I'm so tired
it's better to pretend
that your words don't cut me
even as I bleed out before you

I hear you loud and clear; your words
like writhing snakes in my ears
and I still choose to pretend—
pretending is a way of life for me,
an escape, a coping method,
or the only way I can live

I dare you to shout at me
once more or one hundred times more
I stopped listening a long time ago
or I pretend to, as I choke back the tears
I won't cry for you
you don't deserve it

So I keep pretending
it's the only way I can live

Quiet and unassuming,
silently celebrating her victories
Soft and warm,
always loving, always unconditional
Tough and dependable,
and always giving her all

I could list a thousand things about her
but she'll probably never believe them
She's going to laugh it off,
but keep on loving and caring just the same

She doesn't think much of herself
and always puts everyone's needs before her own
She loves and loves
and never asks for love back
Always taken for granted
yet never stops and never tires

And maybe I can no longer tell her
everything that I should:
that I love her
that I always will
that I'm sorry
or that I'm grateful—
And maybe I should learn to say these more often

But I know that she's going to keep loving,
all unconditional and warm and soft—
and I hope that someday
I'll finally be able to show her that I love her as much as she does

—Rozelle Javier

5/14/2017 I wrote this for my mom on Mother's Day.
Rozelle Javier Oct 2016

Please give me something to hold on to
For those days when I don't feel real
For those days when I can’t be alone but need to be
For those days when I don't feel like living

Please give me your heart,
Your soul, your warmth,
If it isn’t too much to ask,
Please give me yourself

Rozelle Javier Oct 2016

The rain falls
Unrelenting, unpitying
Heavy droplets
Drenching everything on sight

The rain falls
Unperturbed, unassuming
Pulling on sleepy eyelids
On lachrymose days like today

The rain falls—
Wipes away my tears
Takes away my loneliness
Washes away my love for you

Rozelle Javier Oct 2016

Didn’t you say that we’ll figure out this life together?
Coffee in hand, talking about the good things in life

Didn’t you say that I was like a soul mate to you?
That you loved me, unlike anyone you’ve ever met before

Didn’t you promise me that I never had to be lonely ever again?
“I’m here,” you said, “I’ll always be here.”

Didn’t I tell you to wait for me a little bit more?
I have a distant way of loving and I’m afraid I’d push you away

Where are you?
Why am I drinking this too-cold coffee without you?

Come back,
I’m still waiting here

Rozelle Javier Oct 2016

I loved alone
I was left alone

What should I do about this
This love thing
That gives me nothing but loneliness

I tried to love you
With my all
With my own distant way of loving

I hoped it would be enough
It wasn’t

I loved you
With my all—
But in the end, I was all alone

Rozelle Javier Sep 2016

You're too cruel
I wish you'd just tell me
That you've grown to hate me
That I'm no longer worth your time
That I'd have to live without you
From now on
Instead of the sleepless nights I spend
Trying to figure out what I did
Trying to remember where things went wrong
Trying to understand why you left
Without a word

You're too cruel
How can you disappear
Without any goodbye?

You're too cruel
How can you leave me
Looking at the places we've been
Remembering the things we've seen
Listening to the songs we've loved
With an ever-growing hole inside

You're too cruel
Aren't you going to say goodbye?

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