this is the first outing since you

Since "we" became and "you" and "I"

And I was terrified

But, it went alright.

Butterflies formed in my gut

But, not the kind you used to give

A different kind

A new kind

A kind that I could get used to.

I watched his face as he talked

I observed his mannerisms

And probably looked like a creep

But, for an instance, I could not recall yours.

We watched a movie and he laughed

A loud laugh that was contagious

A deep, full laugh

That was so different from what I've heard before.

I was awkward

And he was nice

We talked

And it was nice.

I apologized for being awkward

He said it was alright

He asked what I'm writing

I said "Nothing special"

I think I lied.

Not that I'm in love

But, now a bit less afraid

Like a weight lifted

Who knew fear weighed so much?

So what am I writing?

Just jotting down some thoughts

...Possibly

But...nothing special?

I might have lied.

When I cry
I let my tears fall to the floor
The tears I used to dry
They aren't mine
But, alas, they are mine to dry.

The sleepless nights
They are countless and growing
Those nights are not mine
But, alas, I am the one awake
My body is the one begging for sleep.

I am mine
Because you never were
And I never was
I am mine and that is how it shall stay
I am mine forevermore
Until the end of time
I will be mine
Until my bones grow weak
And my skin grows cold
This heart will always be mine.

My heart
My heart is mine and will only beat for me
Because when  you let it beat for someone else
That's when the tears are not yours
And that's when the sleepless hours become nights and days
And there's no willing them away
My heart has beaten my skin to the punch
Seemingly cold and motionless
My heart sits in my chest
What once used to ache for you
Now beats for no one
And hurts for no one
An impenetrable fortress of cold, hard ice
That I hope, for your sake, never gets melted
Because that's when your tears will start
And the sleepless hours will become nights
And you will be as cold as I.

I have so much love to give
What is this life
If I cannot share it with someone
What is this life
If all of this love I have
Is all wasted just on little old me.

In this life passion is the why
And you are the how
But who are you
And how can I life this life
Without you by my side?

I miss making dinner and the late night tickle fights
More than that I miss the intimacy
I miss the foot rubs after a day at work
I miss the way you're a dork
I miss loving someone.

I am meant to love
I meant to give it up
But then I relapsed and fell
It was then I realized that I'm miserable
Without this funny thing called "love".

Now society tells me to be a strong woman
But, who says I can't be strong
Along with someone
Be stronger together
Ordinary apart, extraordinary together
That is way I want
But, it is too much to ask.

So I'll have all of this love to give
And just wait for the next who is worth of it.

Too many front row seats at funerals
Too many tears shed over bodies
Too many cold hands help in hopes to feel warmth
Too many goodbyes that can't be helped.

It's a sad day when there are too many
When siblings realize
And kin begin to visualize
A day without their mother
A day without their brother
Too many, I say
Too many.

Too many sorrow and not enough joys
It seems, these days are numbered
Numbered and riddled with sadness
With the occasional laugh and smile
It seems, at least these days...
There are too many.

I fall in and out of reality
Every day could be a different dimension
Depending on my mind
And what it chooses to hide in illusion.

Back to basics
It's where we all need to go
Go back to home
And remember how it all started
When you hit that wall
Come crawling home
Because that's where the heart is
Because that's where you left yourself
All those many years ago.

You left to go search for yourself
But, you were unaware you were always right there
Just behind you
Disappearing when you turn around
Eluding you
As stealthy as a ninja in the shadows
You left to learn how to find yourself
And now you can
After years of searching
You're ready.

It's the hardships
That make us stronger
And make us appreciate
The times when you don't need to be strong
And all of those hardships...
Disappear
Like they never even happened at all
No memory at all
Of those things that made you so strong
But, those times when the front comes down
That facade drops
And it's just you
You and that person
The walls come down and you're real again
But, just at that point
Of comfort and happiness
That's when shots will be fired
And without walls how can you protect yourself?