Anxiety makes familiar faces unfamiliar. My stomach aches in church. The monster in my head turns my loved ones into monsters also. No safety net, only cement. My pastor talks of Paul escaping Damascus, being lowered down a wall in a basket. I feel that sick swaying and tense fear. I am held in sleep but must keep moving. I am kept awake but feel sleep like a strait jacket. Save me God. My life is only nothing without You.

Depression isn't what you think.
It's not slicing wrists and crying.
Not for everyone.
Sometimes it's just a heavy blanket.
You get your work done.
Mostly, anyway.
But you don't leave your room.
You don't leave your bed.
You tell your boyfriend you're going to bed early, but you sit awake for hours.
You get a watermelon from the kitchen and eat it in bed with a spoon.
Lights off, juice dripping down your face.
Watermelon used to taste good.
Sleep used to be easy.

Don't make me go back inside
Please don't make me go
I think I might throw up
They all say "just grow up"
Don't make me go inside, I beg
Don't make go inside

Just when I feel you gone -
You arrive
Just when I feel you dead -
You survive
Just when I think I'm free -
You're not far
Just when I think I'm me -
There you are

There's a little family here.
The three of us.
Perhaps a future,
Or simply just a present.
But forever a gift. This little family -
Of ours.

God -
I give you my misery.
I produce and sacrifice for you.
I pray that you return my misery -
With truth.
In my foodlessness, I will listen.

For every sleep there is a wake
And sleep may last but a wake will always come
For every darkness there is a light
And the light may be small but it cannot be blown away
In every heart there is a place
And a heart may break or stop beating but that place is always full
For every end there is a beginning
And often they will look the same, until a small voice speaks light into your heart -
And you wake up.