I'm that baby in the cradle
******* on a pacifier
With a loaded gun in my face
Waiting for a flash then darkness
I'm lost again to my own thoughts
Traveling street corners
I no longer remember
Waiting in almost every one for death
Like bus stops into the afterlife
Yet mine only promises
An emptiness filled with a paralyzing numbness
Leaving me dumbfounded
Confused on which way I should go
It's the small things in life I embraced
But watching pulses drop
Quicker than raindrops
Has me terrified of tomorrow
I'm scared to live yet too scared to die
I'm in between in which direction is right
Yet everyone who listens tells me
Have faith in The Lord
Give yourself unto God
Yet what do they know
When they can't tell me
What the color of their aunts brains are
What the smell of your soul taste like
As it rots away in your arms
....
It's those dots you should worry about
Bc it might lead to me no longer existing
In a world of people I thought I could save
And put meaning to my own life
Leaving a sense of hope that I'll be ok
When all else fails to give it to me
But a blind man will create a false world
Where only he can see
A deaf man will create sounds to hear
A mute man will speak in riddles
So he can be the only one with the answer
Yet what does a depressed man have
When all he had faded before it existed
....
It's an ending to a life
An maybe all this death has me petrified
To the point I'll go insane
Far beyond the breaking points
Of my own limits


....I'm sorry....

Restricted access
Refrained visits
Just another inmate
Lost in thought
Future endeavors questionable
Cardinal directions backwards
What am I without her
Fear set
Concrete on my soul
Maybe my path will awaken
Who I need to be
What I should do
Every God a prayer sent
Every star wished on
Her happiness and health
The only thing I yearn for
I'm left as a number
No longer a citizen
Criminal in their eyes
I let the darkest part of me
Get the better half

Tick tock
This stupid clock
Tortoise hands running by the seconds
158 days still too long
18 here I come
Candles already know the wish I'm going to make
Cake is cutting itself
Eating it will be no problem
Ice cream cake from Dairy Queen
Yumm ;)
158 days and counting down
Waiting to hear the BOOM
18 makes when the door hits the ground
Screeching of car tires
Sirens blaring behind me
Across sixteen states
Cops singing their song
Bad Boys Bad Boys Whatcha Gunna Do
When They Come For You
I'll press the pedal through the metal
Let the world choke on my dust
158 days & counting down
Catch me on the news
You'll never hear from me again
A ghost will be pushing that 454

Drugs, lining glass tables
Alcohol, bottles replacing carpets
1996 was the year I overdosed
Born a drug addict
Alcoholic by nature
This is who I am
Whether I like it or not

R.I.P
Robert Louis Guerrero Jr.

That's really all there is to say
Everything to be put on my headstone
To mark my final resting place
I can't be certain when it will be my time
I have lied many times over
I have cheated just o get where I am
I have stolen things that should of never been tampered with
I mocked the life I was given
Secrets hold bounty's of truths
That no man or woman should ever know
But here is one
I attempted suicide four times
Each time I failed
I cut my wrist almost every night
I recently stopped for the sake of my heart
I drink like alcohol is going out of style
I have stopped again for my heart
You may be wondering why I have 1996-????
As the title to this redundant poem
Well it's to say that even though I am 17 years old
I am too young to die
Even the good who have died young
Wish they lived to see tomorrow alive
I have been told that I'm too young to hate this world
Yet I have seen enough of it to know
This place isn't for me
I'm not going to **** myself
The world is
They're going to pull this trigger
They're going to carve rivers into my wrist
They're going to determine whether I live or die
That is the reason for the "????"
Because I don't know when
This world will surprise me
By introducing me to Death's cold bony hand

That first shot you heard
Wasn't to the brain
The second shot was
All intentions when loading
Closing each channel
To this reality
Heart, Mind, Soul
1 round each
3 round clip
I'm finishing this out
Homicide a suicidal thought
****** on my mind
Got a 138 personalities
Genocide I guess
I'll fill a mortuary
Create my own cemetery
Send flowers from hell
My heart hurts constant
My mind adhd on crack
My soul fatigued
1 round each
3 round clip
I'll put them out of misery
Call it selfish
Call it brave
You'll each have an opinion
So plant me
Like the **** I tried growing
Caring for you all
No thought of myself
Cashing in death
While I sell out life
I'd rather accept the truth
Then live a beautiful lie

I'm just sitting in the dark
A blank stare on my face
Listening to the rain pelt my roof
I'm lonely tonight
Only thing to ease my troubles
Is the sweet thought of you
Typical cliche but baby
Sad to say it's true
I could ******* to online ****
I could watch anime on my tv
I could drink till I pass out
But I'd rather think of you
Think of your voice
An old jukebox in my head
With you on repeat
I'll whisper to my hands
The feeling of your waist underneath them
I'll scream at my arms
Hurry up and hold you
I'll signal my fingers
Push your hair away from your neck
Rest my head on your shoulder
As I fight to keep my lips
From ravaging your desires
Maybe one kiss
Gentle and smooth
Sweet addictions arise
I can't seem to stop
A gentle push from you
I'll quit
I know it's your lips that want it
That arousal
That sweet fix only I can give you
I'm no drug but I know me and you
We might just sail away on this kite
Internal ecstasy gave us
I'll open my eyes and witness my own hell
You're a hundred miles away
But only an inch under my forehead
With an image of you smiling
And I'm alone again
Wondering why the hell
Am I not heading your way

Hey Bartender
I'd like three shots of whiskey
Here's to the ******* in me
For apparently not caring
Because one bad joke
Led her to get ******
Without me realizing it
You think she'd tell you
It offended her
That way you could apologize
But delayed reactions cause pauses
In thoughts and roughly
I can't stand being ******* at
For **** I didn't realize I ****** up on
So I tried to make a peeping tom funny
While trying to show I cared
Because I didn't want you to be viewed
Like drive through ****
So three shots whiskey
Here's to the ******* in me
For not knowing why you were ******
You never wanted to say it
You never explained it
And before we had a fight
All you had to do was say
Hey ******* this is why you ****** me off
But no, I'm a mindreader
I'm a California psychic
Able to tell you your thinking tacos
Over a thousand miles away
I'm the amazing Gorvoski!!
I know all see all
Let me look into my crystal ball
Three shots whiskey
Here's to the ******* in me

It's all it takes to make me happy
All I need to put a smile on
3 things reason enough
To become a better man
Than I was a second ago
My daughter
Innocent and energetic
Heart of gold
I'd plate with titanium
So it would never be broken
Lock away in a far away castle
Too high for even dragons to reach
But I know you can't hide
The radiance of her eyes
Intrigued by everything
With a giving hand at her age
My Family
Jokes and burns
Scares and bruises
We give each other just for a laugh
Toughening each other's minds
Keeping the wise still sharp
Forging the young
Into durable adults
Prepared for anything
Ready to take charge
Tearing out walls
To open their own doors
My friends
Uplifting and always there
Significant to someone like me
Who fears the dark
Wishing to never be left alone
If not for them
I would have given up
On chasing the dream
Of becoming a man
My little girl is proud of
It's gratitude before me
Oceans of debts
Money could never pay back
Only my success could do
Proving to them all
Their failure to give up on me
Wasn't in vain
That I was truly worth
Every drop of effort
They didn't realize they put in
A simple smile
A helping hand
An "I got you if you need me"
Late night talks
Advice I didn't think I needed
It all molded me
Every bit of kindness
I didn't think I was worth
I say it's 3 things
Yet that's just the categories
I've placed the thousands of hands
I refuse to let go of, in
Thank you
From my soul
To the tears that fall
As I write this
While I'm supposed to be working
All of you saved me
When I couldn't save myself

So small
Fragile cry’s
Laying cement in my chest
Look just like me
With your mothers eyes
But how could I have helped
An architect to perfection
Innocent and beautiful
Our little bundle of joy
How can I not enjoy
The changing of diapers
The constant feedings
Wake up room service
Midnight calls
6lbs 13oz
Only 20 inches long
And already a bigger boss
Then her mother
Speaking Morse code
On every cry
Still blowing my mind
Your a product of me
Finally giving my life a definition
I know happiness beyond bounds

Which would be easier
Less noise
Which would be swifter
I'm in a killing mood
This man staring back at me
Seems to only taunt ne
We're both ready for a fight
But can't seem to choose
Our weapon of choice
9mm or a 12 gauge
Maybe I'll blow a hole in his chest
But I just want to erase that smirk
That evil vile smirk
Smeared on his face
Paint to a childs drawing
**** it
12 gauge it is
Looks like he decided too
Same weapons
Guess we both die
But there will only be a call
For one body bag

How else did you think
That I wanted to end my life
Why did you think
I was so distant today

Look I have to go
I dont want to waste
Any more time
Like I have already

See if you ever wanted to know
Exactly how much
I truly loved you
Look in my wallet

You can see the drawing I did
Its a heart with wings
Three little roses
And your name in the middle

I wrote the deepest love poem
Directly under it
And I told you everything
That I ever wanted

See I was head over heels for you
Sadly it came to an end
And the scars I have from that day
Are proof of every mistake I made

Error
ER...R...RRROR
Threat detected

Its eating away at the tissue
Within my skull
Developing thought and recognitions
To only one word
"Sorry"

Trojan Detected
Delete and Reboot
Error 4.67.B11.809C

How do you protect against an assault
To a dictionary with only one page
Capitalized in bolder print than tattoo ink
"Sorry"
Definition not recognized
What the hell happened to never caring
No longer letting others burden you
With whips and freight
Ox to this world begging for labor
I only have one word
When I **** up like I always do
"Sorry"

Please Restart
You Are In Danger
FILE CORRUPTED

There is no warning
When you become another broken dictionary
Left with one word
And a prayer that it all ends
Excuses begin to pile
Quarantine the problem
It never helps
Just begins a back log of information
Frying your brain quicker than flames on flesh
This life can't begin
If all I'll ever know is one word
With no worth
That couldn't buy me a tear to quench my thirst

a childs cries
as her mother lies
her blood staining the tiles
she hides in the closet
waiting to be found

as hands grab her
she screams and yells
she blacks out
and as she awakes
in the corner of white walls
her screams muffled by silence

a child cries
as he watches blood flow like rivers
his father tells him the highs
of sweet victory obtained
so he runs to the mountains
where he hides in a cave

as hands grab him
he screams and yells
he blacks out
and awakes to a cold floor
with four walls without a door
his screams are muffled by silence

our unheard cries
of help or sorrow
we pretend to hear
we refuse to listen
as children cry
for thier mothers and fathers

the world has turned cold
yet some choose to fold
others stand strong
proving thier might
even without light

we abandoned all hope
when hope seemed lost
we vacated all faith
when faith seemed unreal
when a child cries

still the childrens cries
the first to die when death struck
like lightnings quick flash
echoing like thunder through the ages
forever remaining unheard

If you ever wondered
what happens in my mind
Where I drift
When my eyes glaze over
When I no longer reside
In this barren plain of existence
It’s a bit scary
Even for me
I strangle cats
Detach limbs from dogs
Mutilate humanity
Roast souls on open flames
Consume my own darkness
In the hope I’ll be able to brave it
The uncertainty of living
Finishing what I started
Giving up when it was necessary
Knowing when to stop lying to myself
I know I’m not happy
Yet I fake it till maybe it’ll go my way
I’m starting to resent it all
With myself at the top of that list
How can you love
When your entire existence
Was fueled by hate
How do you find happiness
When happiness is undefined
I know what happy moments are
But it’s only a temporary fix
With unpleasant side effects
Chasing and chasing
Playing cat and mouse
With silhouettes and laser pointers
There’s a target
But no chance in hell of obtaining
And even when I want to say it
I can’t
I’ll be interrogated
Asked what’s so unhappy about my life
Who do I hate
Why do I hate
It’s as simple as
My own emotional standing
Disregarded
Hate myself
For never measuring up
To invisible standards
Always being told No
Just accepting it
Because it’s all I’ve known
But what does one life mean
Even if my biggest accomplishment
Can’t even understand
Her father is dying before her
I hate myself mostly for that
Bringing her into a home
I don’t even consider a home
Nothing I built with my own hands
Slipping deeper into a depression
I don’t even want to admit to
I just play Happy
With a Resting ******* face
If my expression never changes
You can’t tell how I’m feeling
Even when I crack a smile
In the hopes you’ll keep walking
Stop talking to me
Sure your problems may be bigger
And this might sound
Like a useless person complaining
Pathetic in his own right
I wouldn’t even object
But what’s so wrong with wanting
Aiming to do something amazing
Even if you consider it stupid
Never given the opportunity
Just for once I’d love to hear
That sounds awesome so do it
It’s a small feat
For someone with smaller ambitions
As long as I can remember
I never wanted to live
But I’m not ready to die
I just accept that it’s coming
Ready for when it does
Won’t resist
Already wrote up a physical DNR
So here’s my emotional one
Call the time of death
Notify those that need organs
Leave the heart
It’s too broken to use
Donate what’s left
Maybe my final act
Will be what defines me
And bring happiness to someone else
Then I snap back to reality
Ask for you to repeat what you said
Because the amount of ******
In my head
Drowns out the sound of your voice

they fall with a piercing silence
every drop burns his face like acid
he doesn't know what they are
he only knows their there because of her

he knew that love was dangerous
he became silent when she left
as his hatred for cupid grew
still he knew he wasn't the monster

his blood flowed like the Nile
he cut his wrist
he never looked back on the path she paved
his footprints never lingered
like a demons tears

his family didn't know him
his friends hated him
she took his world away
that little angel wasn't so angelic

a demons tears
you dont see in movies
or at any given time
they just fall with silence

he ended up the monster
with rage uncontrollabe
emotions never showing
but still she lingers on his mind

he thinks he doesn't deserve to live
he contimplates his suicide every minute
she watches closly
only cheering for his death

a demons tears
never come twice
they just fall with his body
limp and lifeless
due to her hatred for his existence

I want to write for me
Not be conflicted
Between the thought of another relationship
Or the dark, twisted demon
Scurring under my flesh
Elephants use me like a park bench
I just want to breathe
Without being on life support
I'm tired of walking a fine line of *******
Just write the raw emotions that made me
Not let them break me
I'm the poet not the poem
Words shouldn't destroy me
Come, conquer, and celebrate
The mind that they plundered
I walk a fine line of *******
I know what to let go of now
And what's important to hold onto

Everything & Nothing

Seems like it's inevitable
Somehow this folly of depression
Sickening as it may be
Is my only saving grace
My super power
To harness words
Delicately placing them
In ballet slippers
Watching them elegantly
Summarize emotions I'm plagued with
Constant fears and thoughts
Screenplays Broadway ready
Tragedy to fantasy
Rarely comical
Yet a jokers laugh is heard
Deep in the cellars of my heart
Knowing all too well
I am what my opinion of me is
No religious text
Deranged teachings of dark minds
Or philosophical psychology
Can eradicate it
I'm lost beyond hope
Trying to make a dream
A not so far off reality
Hindered quickly before
I even take my next breath
What will it take
How does it happen to me
When will it end
Where will I be
Who cares anymore
I'm surrounded by myself
Engulfed in my delusions
Try to become my own martyr
Why can't I be my own god
Carve the destiny I desire
With only a snap of fingers
Or the wiggle of my nose
I know I'm not hopeless
Yet mind and body
Reject truces or seek compromise
Again
I'm lost in these senses
Hating myself
For feelings I can't control
Loving myself
With little avail
I'm detestable
Deplorable
Defeated
Yet waving white flags
Seem only to incur wrath
From whoever raises it first
Again
Another war
Futile in all aspects
The answers the same
Outcome forseen
Again
And again
And...

              ...again

It's only one purpose
So tell me already
Show me what I'm meant to do
Who I'm to become
I'll strive to make it true
If only there's a sanctuary
From the me I am again

To be a side thought
All this time driving myself insane
Poem after poem
Conversations worth a ****
Drawings to think you loved me
Like always its all a joke
I had a feeling it was coming
A hole once covered
Reopened in a matter of seconds
I should have took you up
On the offer of forgetting you
But I love when I'm right
When all my fears come true
All of this and for what??
You to never talk to me
Me always starting the conversations
Hey **** it
I wont lose any sleep
All of this was just a wake up call
That love is pointless
Just a waste of time
Hours spent trying to talk to you
Waiting for a reply
Oh well another got away
Can't **** what's already dead
Guess we died without a word
Who's fault was it?
Dont matter
What's the point
All of it was just *******
I fed myself thinking love was possible in my life

I saved a "life" today
I didn't run it front of a bus
I didn't take a shot to the heart
I didn't catch a speeding bullet
I simply broke the mirror
Saved my reflections life
From looking into my death gripped eyes
After all who will I talk to
When I'm all alone
I'm almost a hero...
                               ...right?

Walls creaking
Whispering chatter
Rain outside a low rhythm
Razor glistening
Lighters flicker
Everything caving
It's 41° and I'm sweating
Everything moves in warp speed
As I'm stuck in slow motion
Unbearable
Dark thoughts play yoyo
With threads of sanity
I barely saved
I'm lost
Confused
Existing in loneliness
Few more hours
I tell myself to hold on
One slip would all it take
Out the back door
No one would notice
I'd fade quick
STOP
I don't want to listen anymore
It's all I hear
When I'm alone
I'm not safe
Monsters under my bed
Hiding in my closet
They all find me
When I'm left alone
Skeletons reach for me
Rooms shrink
Coffins call me
Fires hold no warmth
Freezers only burn
This tidal wave of anxiety
Licks at my feet
As mudslide avalanches of depression
Give warning to my head
Someone help me
Save me from myself
Before I do it
I don't want to be alone
Not with these voices
Not in these walls
Breath of fresh air
Trees start laughing
Birds giggle
Shadows crawl
World's weighing
Drift me off to sleep
Before it becomes eternal
I don't want this disease
Corroding me
Sulphuric acid to paper
I'm going mad
Everything grows louder
I feel the itch
**** it I'll scratch
Just this once
NO
I don't want to go down that road
Not again
Cast aside all I've worked for
I've clawed and fought
Yet this feeling is overwhelming
Sheetrock pounded to dust
Still ceram wrap to my soul
I'm caged in these emotions
As long as I'm alone
Please comfort me
I'm a child
Lost in the dark
Someone find me
Before I drown in it

i ran without looking back
left all those i loved behind
the last words i said
still haunting and echoeing my ears
and i know the further i go
its going to be a long road home

i never made them cry before
but when i left
i heared the weeps
and the tears hitting the floor
like a stampede of hoofs
stomping my heart a mile away

yet i continued on
never looking back
because i knew if i went back
my world would be black
thier hearts would be cold
and the truth would remain untold

i couldnt live a life like that
i had to escape
but my ties to this life
remain in the object of my love
the soul hier to my heart
the one whom i never thought to leave

she stands under an oak
using the leaves as an umbrella
for the rain has started
covering her tears she now sheds
as realization that i will not show sets in
she sits at the beginning of a long road home

i got a long road home
but the troubles i faced
will be worth it
when i find what i've searched so hard for
my sanity that was stripped at birth
my soul that left a pair of hollow eys
and i know this road will only get longer

Inhale
Exhale
Fruits of our labor
Hidden in the breaths we take
Fresh
Stale
Nothing seems to explain
The reasons each one matters
Huff
Puff
Pass out from lack of oxygen
Fatigue sets in
Breathe new life into me
With every prayer
Every second I waste
Compliments to my lack of concern
My life is alot like smoke
Once created
Slowly fades into the stars
There only for the addicted
Once obtained
Brutally abused

Here I come
13 loops later
All dressed
Glistening in red
Tiny bottle empty
Cryptic code
Silent disappearance
Adios good riddance
Alright **** it
Let's get this over with
Before I chicken out again

Father can you listen to me
Will you listen to me for a minute
I don't feel loved by you anymore
You were never home
Mom practically raised me
Everything I learned as a man
I learned by another man
Who took me under their wing
You didn't even talk to me about ***
I learned what I was doing as I kept on having it
I didn't know what an STD or *** was
I learned that in *** Ed
I had no idea on how to change the oil in a car
My boyscout leader taught me
Father we never spend anytime together
I wish we could play catch
I wish you could teach me how to ride a bike
But wait I forgot Rafial's dad did
You were always gone
No wonder I'm half a man
No wonder I'm emotionally distant
I have nothing to offer anybody
But half dead poetry
Based on killing myself
Because secretly I don't have a father
Even though he sits right next to me
I wish you would listen to me
But you're not here for me to tell you this
I hope you can forgive me
For resenting you all this time
I'm leaving in a year
And you still make no effort
In being here to see me off
Fine
I made it this far without you
I will make it farther without you
Hello father nice to see you
Goodbye father sorry you just got home
But I'm leaving

in this icy world
in this constent nightmare
in this ruthless war
in this flooding ocean of blood
am i alone

on this path to darkness
on this island of screams
on this edge of sanity
on this sinking ship of hope
am i alone

i cant possibly be alone
because with every step
i hear a voice
a faint whisper
but i cant comprehend its words

as i shatter under the pressure
i finally see the source of the voice
i hear its words with perfect clarity
coming slowly from her lips
"your never going to be alone"

Like Broadway
Only brighter
The actors are stars
And their scenes are on the coattails of comets
One star falls
Another reaching out
Preventing broken legs
On this midnight stage
Millions come out to play
Only few eager to watch
Maybe oneday the moon will smile
At the love I'll have
But for now
Its all a play
Entertainment for the next
An empty venue
Awaiting an audience
For this midnight play
Where catastrophe and beauty
Dance in perfect harmony

Was I all along
Too blind to notice
Sanity a self illustration
Painted in the dark

I wasted over 16 relationships
Never meant to be a player
Never thought I was
I just wanted a woman to love me
For the monster I am
I never meant to hurt anybody
But how bad can one man be at love
If I can't love someone
Who the hell will love me
Am I really that bad at love
That you wont even look in my direction
Have I left disgust on your lips
Have I not tried to make you happy
Walking away was the hardest
But You made it look easy
The first time we parted ways
So I tried it the other two times
I must be really bad at love
If I can't seem to keep a girlfriend for longer than a month

Am I the reason
For the pain
In her eyes
Or the scars
On her wrist

Am I the reason
She feels nothing
In her heart
Or the voices
Echoing in her head

Am I the reason
For the tears
Falling down her face
Or the hole
Growing larger in her chest

Am I the reason
For the 45
Stuffed in her mouth
Or the bullet
Taking her life

Am I the reason
She contemplated suicide
Every second
Or the mistake
That should have never happened

Am I the reason
She felt loathe
Towards life’s beauty
Or the inchoate feel
That made her die

am i the reason
she haunts
my very dreams
or still yearns
for peace to come

i guess that
i am the reason
i should be dead
i can't say i'm sorry
i have no remorse

am i the reason
you never forgave me
for tearing your heart apart
or taking that last bit
of sanity you tried to perserve

my actions say i am
my soul says i am not
but yet you lurk
around every corner
partying with death
hoping and waiting to feast
in my list of sins

am i the reason
you were selfish
enough not to take me
or care enough
to say goodbye

am i the reason
your sorrow filled yells
remained unheard
or for wasting
time on such evil

am i the reason
you ignored
my warnings
or was it
your stupid heart

my heart says i am
but i can't believe it
you wrote your story
unfortunately you finished
a bit too early
are you the reason
for these tears

Am I the Reason
she didn't find love
for anyone again
or cared enough
to even try

Am I the Reason
she tried to drown
all her sorrow
or hide her life
in blood stained white walls

Am I the Reason
she grew distsant
from all those around her
or faded into the background
of a fleeting memory

All I know
is that I'm the reason
for many of these things
I just wish I was
truly and deeply sorry

she made her choices
I was only an excuse
for her to do it
because there was
no one else to blame

her blood stains my hands
her fear I controlled
her death was my fault
and realization that
I will never see her smile again
makes me feel even more pain

Am I the reason
Her prayers never get answered
or the reason they're no longer whispered
I can't keep living this life
If I'm the reason
For everything going wrong

Am I the reason
Her chest no longer heaves
Or the reason her blood ran dry
It's pointless isn't it
Asking this question
For as long as I have

Am I the reason
Her memory is forgotten
Or the reason her father
Is still crying three tears a day
I can't take this blood on my hands
I don't know if it's an illusion

Am I the reason
She never found the peace we both deserved
Or the reason I'm sailing on that fantasy
I can't live two lives
But I'm trying for her

Am I the reason
Everything turned to ****
Or the reason it's no longer turning
Her world was perfect without me
Maybe I am the reason for all of this
And sorry doesn't cut it

Am I the reason
Am I
Why shouldn't I be
It was my name on her lips
That her last breath carried to my ears

I ran to your aid
When you called me late that night
I broke several laws on the way
Because I heard your screams
Before you even screamed

Am I the villian now
Because I wasnt fast enough
Am I as I opened the door
To your bedroom
And didnt flinch at the sight

There you were
Wrist cut open
Eyes rolling back
With your breath escaping
I tried to help

Am I the villian
Did I try hard enough
I loved you
You just walked out on it
And bled out for your mistake

Am I the villian
For telling you I loved you
For trying to make things work
I did my best right
So where did it go wrong

The doctors tried their best
They said I did everything I could
But I still
Feel like I failed
And I wish you were still here

You would of comforted me
You would of answered
My jumbled up questions
But the one stll unanswered
Am I the villian

I get looks from everybody
Your parents wont talk to me
I feel like a man being crucified
For not being able to save you
Im getting shuned by society

Am I the villian
Because it feels like I am
What was so wrong
In trying to save you
Was it the fact that I failed

I cant apologize
No one will listen
I love you
Please come back to me
Even if that means haunting my dreams

I want to see your smile
Hear your angelic voice
Feel your hands on my face
And taste your lips again
I know its too late for all of that

Am I the villain
In this fairytale
I feel like I am
Somebody tell me Im not
And let me be with her once more

Fresh cut
There it stands
Waiting for your name
After so many years
Of running from your fate
You finally collapsed
Under the tidal waves of depression
Loaded up your 45
Tied a noose just in case
And sharpened your blade as a last resort
Ran to the place we both found peace and solitude
The one place I now refuse to wander
To me its not a name carved in stone
It’s your name I am carving into this stone
This marble headstone
Where in a few hours your body will be placed
Six feet below the shadow of this headstone
As the sun finally sets
I stayed after the ceremony
I asked you if you remembered those days
When we were just little kids
We would walk to the beach early in the morning
Stay all day
Listen to the other kids play
Their parents yelling at them
To not play with the jellyfish
That washed up on the shore
Hours before we arrived
We would walk hand in hand up and down the beach
Letting the water lick at our feet
Sat together in a silent embrace
We would wait patiently for the sun to set the sky on fire
With colors of the rainbow
We would watch the gulls shadow cross our faces
Reach for each other’s hands
It wasn’t selfish to sit here alone
It was just we loved being close
Sharing a common passion
The sea would extinguish the sun
The sea would glow with a neon foamy green
And we would swear it was the most beautiful place
The most perfect memories
The greatest moments within our history
Now here I am
Tears rolling down both cheeks
As I carve this name into the headstone
But its not just any name
It’s your name I am carving here
Trying not to mess up
Because deep down
I never told you how I feel
I regret not asking you out to the movies
The Valentines Day ball
The Homecoming Dance
The Middle School Prom
All the opportunities and instead
You sat at home alone
Crying your eyes out
Wearing the dress your parents bought
For you every time there was a dance to go to
I regret all the small things
That led me to pass up
Spending time with you the way we used to
And that pain hits me harder
With every time I carve a letter of your name
Into this ice cold marble headstone
I should have been there for you
The way that I promised you
I told you I would always be there for you
But I regrettably failed to keep that promise
And look at where it landed the both of us
Your dead and six feet below where I now stand
I am here standing looking at your name
The fresh name carved in stone
I am sorry
I still have all those secret Santa presents
And anonymous Valentines cards
The very ones we both knew where from you
Because you would blush
Every time I talked about them
You would try to hide your smile from me
And I thought it was the cutest thing ever
Because deep down I really do love you
And this pain I have from all the regret
Unfortunately gets passed to all the girls
I will use to cope with the pain
Your suicide has brought me
And I know it wasn’t selfish
You wanted to prove a point
And I hope these tears that refuse to stop flowing
Are evidence enough that your point is very clear
I Miss You!
I am sorry for all of this
But sadly the one thing that haunts me the most right now
Is seeing your name carved in stone
A name that I carved
Into ice cold unforgiving marble

I offer it to you
For it is all I have left
I know its a wasteland
But within your hands
It holds potential

I have brutally murdered
All those I loved within it
Sacrificed everything
Just to be with you
Hoping you would take it

So as I stand here
In the cold pouring rain
Offering this wretched wasteland to you
Will you honor me
And make it an angel kissed wasteland

Please I beg of you
I ask only this
I know you cry everyday
I know you feel pain
So allow me to take it away

Allow me to love you
The way you have deserved for so long
Allow me to love you
The way you have waited for
Just give me a chance

I know you are reading this
I don't plan on hurting you
But if it comes to bad times
I would rather have them with you
Than any other person

I love you so much
I hope you will consider
To make my barren wasteland of a heart
An angel kissed wasteland
So we both may find happiness in each other

An Angels Sorrow
heavy like her heart
as teardrops fall from her face
falling through the clouds
not knowing which direction to go

i love her even when i lie
waiting and hoping to die
i caught her when she fell
released her from the depths of hell
i wish to carry her sorrow

an angels sorrow
a burden like no other
heavy like my heart
stained with others blood
no longer will she feel it

her sorrow i wish to relieve
her tears i wish to dry
her beauty i wish her to know
an angels sorrow
i relieve with love like no other

my love i wish her to see
her head i wish to clear
lay your head on my chest
listen to the heartbeat of a dying man
for deaths tattered cloak wrapped around me

an angels sorrow
a sorrow like no other
a sorrow i wish to relieve
my heart aches for her
as tears fall like rain

dark clouds shape the sun
an ominous wind blows
as her sorrow grows
an angels sorrow
the one thing that could **** me

as her sorrow ends
her beauty glows
her heart slows
an angels sorrow
i took away with my last breath

Its only 2:05 am
And I havent slept a second
Since 9:00 yesterday morning
The only thing on my mind
Is what to say to you
What more is there to me
I really want you to know
I've told you of the dangerous side of me
I've told you the emotional side
You've seen my complexion
All my faults are truly evident
I've never been more scared
To open my mouth and say hello
Without worrying I'll tell you who I am
I'm a spy
I'm an undercover cop
I'm the prince of some unknown island
I'm Bob Marley's best friend
I'm a zombie
Yeah that works
I'm a zombie not looking for brains
But for the heart beating in your delicate chest
All I want to do is hear it race after ***
And listen to it calm when I tell you all my secrets
As I hold you closer than before I came
Im a heart warming zombie
Only out to infect love in your smile
Happiness in your laugh
And joy in your cheeks
I could tell you how I would do that
But where would the adventure be
When all my secrets of getting you to see
Just how much I care for you
Are spilled marbles on the floor
I'll be your goofball zombie
Walking like the dead into silent screams
Where you'll just be too nervous
To walk out the door
I'll have an audience in my unsuspecting neighbors
They'll know how deep my exploration
Of your fragile frame went
How much gold and diamonds I dug up
When they see you waddling to my truck
Let me stop insinuating I'm good at ***
When I havent ****** in over two months
My zombie ***** are about to fall off
My **** just remains hard when I'm texting you
It seems you've caught the attention
Of everything with a mind in my body
All my senses crave you
I yearn to taste your bubble gum lips
Smell the decadent aroma of lust and perfume
Dancing in harmony on your silken skin
Watch your body unfold
As your clothing collects on the floor
Feel the warmth of your thighs
Gripping tighter to my waist
And even tighter around my shoulders
Hear you melting away in my touch
As each hand reaches further
Rubbing thigh to waist
Waist to shoulders
Shoulders to hair
As fingers intertwine with your curls
Pulling them back exposing pulsating veins
Deep within your neck
Where I'll gently place my lips
And guide them ever so softly
So I won't leave a trace
I'll bite even softer
Just hard enough to make the sensation
Rattle your hips
I'm a heart warming zombie
Only out for you
The last living piece of perfection
Just begging to be explored
By somebody with a Ph.D
In how to drive your body completely insane
Before it even effects your mind
I'm sorry if it seems criminal
But I'm only out for your heart
Bc you managed to leave with mine
I could tell you all my secrets
Yet its so much more fun
When you learn them along the way
I'll never know everything about you
I'll try to make sure you know
Every last thing about me
Just so you know if I'm the man for you
I'm not asking to be your lover
I'm not asking to be your friend
I'm asking only if you'll give me a chance
Show you my hand
Before I even play them
I'm not asking for epic sessions
Of the most intense ***
On nights when we get bored
I'm wanting to know
If this heart warming zombie
I see every morning in the mirror
Can be more than someone you talk to
When everything else loses all interest
I'll take the risk
In destroying walls
Built so many millenniums ago
Thick with brick and steel
Riddled with rust and cracks
I'll bleed as much as I need to
When opening myself to you
Creates thicker scars
Then when I'm just offering dust
To women I'll never see again
Its time this heart warming zombie
Laid down with someone's raw heart
And watched it beat on the walls of your cavity
Tasted all its faults
Listened to its demands
While becoming what it truly desires
I know I'm old and senile at 19
Trying to find the perfect ending to this
Really ****** poem
Jumping all around emotions
I'm just trying to figure out
What to say to you
When all I have left to say
Is a question followed by a statement
I know too **** well
Neither one of is ready to say or hear
I guess I'll end this with an emoji
A simple :* from a zombie
Looking for his princess to be

I feel the early signs of death
The coldness in my limbs
The stillness of my blood
As my heart gives up
The pain falling numb
Darkness engulfing me
As deaths luxurious cloak
Cascades my soul
The easement of my worries
As no light received me
Knowing I did all that I could
To keep my head above the undertow
This time I won't fight the current
Let high tide take me
Far out to this oceanic depression
Let the world consume me
And so it begins
My descent into nothing
I fought for too long

Me: I wonder if I should call
Voices: She won’t answer
Me: Should I text
Voices: She’ll never even open it
Me: Should I Snapchat
Voices: She’ll laugh at your desperation
Me: Did I lose her forever
Voices: As long as there is breath in her
Me: I’ve let her down too many times
Voices: The only reason she forgot you
Me: Still it’s her birthday
Voices: Give Up
Me: Why does it hurt even after so much time
Voices: Not enough time in this life or the next
Me: When does it end
Voices: when the director yells..


Pistol: CUT

Take me home
Take me home
It's the one place I can rest in peace
Turn off my phone
So many messages I wish I could just delete
Questioning my existence
Questioning my decisions
Burning down all the bridges
Dig a moat
Now I'm finished
Sorry don't want you to visit, no, no
One last pic and I'll be gone
Make it count
Put the flash on
Never really felt like I belonged
So I'll be on my way
And I won't be long
I'll be dead by dawn
I'll be dead by dawn
I'll be dead by dawn
I'll be dead by dawn

Scrolling through my texts
**** I left unread
Never tryna deal with it
There's bliss up in my ignorance
10 dope dealers
Ex want me to see her
Can't trust her
Don't believe her
Reply turn into a needle, yeah
Don't wanna do it again
Got **** I'm not tryna relive
Head ****** up and I'm sick
These old habits will **** me quick
Quicker than I can blink
Quicker than I can think
Lift me up
Don't want sink
Pour me up
I need a drink
What the **** do I do when sabotage is all I know?
Oh, I done dug myself my own grave in this hole, oh no, whoa
**** me slow, slow
Curtains close slow
****, I don't see what's the point of going on, no

It sits there residing
Silently growing harder to ignore
The delicate decisions of my future
Should I continue working
Hours too long to count
Forgotten before they even began
Or rather an education
Degree built just for me
Which trade to begin
Journalism
Art
Gaming
Driving
Construction
Decisions decisions
Made never so easily
When your head is constantly itching
It's a merry-go-round
Chasing an itches shadow
But hey look at me
Money in my pocket
Probably no future
So why does she continue loving me
A has been poet
A wanna be artist
A not so good gamer
Accident prone driver
Failing painter
All I've ever done in life
Skate by with what I had
Never looking at what I could have
Yet this itch in the back of my head
Hazes my future
With questions causing ****** charges
As they stab me in the back
Closer and closer
Seclusion encompasses me
Overpowering burdens of juggling life
Why the **** didn't it come with a manual
But itches are itches
Not all remedies work
So I guess I'll do what works

I've spent a year
Maybe more
I can't seem to remember
This time I think it's goodbye
I'm making a new account
Shutting the world out
I've written over 450 poems
Some ****** ***
Others surpassed my expectations
Thank you guys for helping feel accomplished
However it was recently discovered by someone
That I didn't want to know about it
So I hope you guys can understand
Why it is I must go

We watched in horror
As planes crashed
Into the World Trade Center
And eventually collapse

We watched with eyes dripping tears
As the TV screen
Flashes faces of innocent children
Gunned down at an Elementary school

What has this world come to be
Lives taken for no apparent reason
Lives taken of the most pure
And all we can do is grieve

We wage wars
We seek justice
But in the end we grieve
As we lose more lives either way

We watch from afar
As our troops
Come home on their shields
Drapped in our colors

Another day of grief
Another day of tears and mourns
Haven't enough lives been stripped?
Hasn't enough blood been shed?

Here I stand
Looking at people
Mourning over the death
Of a son or daughter
Another victim to suicide
Another forgotten soul

They say she was happy
They say he was perfectly fine
But how would they know
They didnt know what was going on
Behind thier eyes
But does it look like it now
The proof is before your eyes

Take a closer look
Your son wasnt perfectly fine
Your daughter wasnt happy
They hid themselves from you
Afraid of your disappointment
Lost to thier depression
Having no one to turn to

So they jumped on the blade
Cutting themselves at night
Getting high off the pain
No drugs or alcohol needed
You were to busy in the kitchen
Fighting over whatever you wanted

Remember when they were little kids
After you read them a bedtime story
You would say
I will never let anything happen to you
But now its just an empty promise
As you mourn over thier lifeless body
Cursing the heavens for taking them from you

But it was your selfish actions
You never read thier poetry
You never seen their drawings
Nose deep in work
Not taking time to listen
Dont you regret it now

Its not just your son or daughter in that coffin
Its a soul soon to be forgotten
Thier memory wont live on forever
Just a victim of suicide
Someone no one was around to hear
Another forgotten soul
Again buried six feet below our feet

Have you ever
Thought your life
Was like a Shakespeare tragedy
Or one epic fantasy

Like the love you have
And trust you gave
Was all for nothing
When it couldn't be given back

Like the voices you hear
Or all the fear
Push you closer to the edge
Making you wanna jump off the ledge

This life I live
Is another Shakespeare tragedy
One ****** fantasy
When I failed millions of times over