Without my abuse
Who am I now
When drugs were my muse

Was I ever talented
Or just creative in addiction
I traded my emotions
For an anti depressant prescription

I want to be heard
I want my words to mean something more
than scribbles on a page
Or a hobby when I’m bored

There’s a message in my madness
If only I could see it myself
I’m in a tea cup spinning
Tossing fake news in a wishing well

Tonight I will
Enjoy my bed
While you lay in yours
I wonder if you regret it all
After the first night when guards closed the doors
When you were on the inside
With absolutely nothing you could do
I still can’t believe the time has come
Punishment for the destruction that comes with you
I never thought it’d be real
You understanding what it feels like
To be a powerless prisoner
Giving everything you got- to still lose the fight

Do you lose sleep over me
Putting you where you belong
Do the voices in your head still tell you I’m in the wrong?

I wonder how many months
It will take to break your spirit

All you have is your thoughts
How many memories till you hear it

The muffled screams, my terrified eyes
Or are your memories filled with stories saying I’m the bad guy

Blaming your true colors on account of being high
While you looked down at me on the floor, beating me just enough not to die

Are you angry with me because I got away?

If you could see me tomorrow do you know what you would say?
I think you would walk right past me
Without even a look
Making me feel like I was nothing
It’s the biggest play from your book

I think about this often
If I had the chance, what would I say
I forgive you for making the biggest mistake of your life
Knowing I’m the one that got away

And bringing my mom flowers when she’s sad
I been chasing a high I’ll never feel again
While spending every dollar I’ve ever had

I’ve withered away to nothing
Scattered bruises cover every inch of my pale skin
Make up hides the tired black eyes
If only it could shade the feelings within

I’ve never felt a pain like this
The unknowing of my future
The friends who come to my funeral
Who say we tried to help her.

I’ve never felt so alone,
How can the person I love make me feel so unwanted
Maybe I’m just a temporary fix
An empty soul, forever haunted.

Shadows are real
they move when you don’t want them too
When you think your taking steps further away, and they slowly move closer towards you
Flash light and colors in your face, sending you signals
But I’m only human, don’t they know I’m not bilingual?
Or has the crack made me lucid
Feel the presence of the other side
Why did they choose to torture me?
Because I didn’t hide? Because I kept getting High?
Maybe because I was close
This devils dying to taste me, inching closer every time I crush his powder.
Making ticks on the clock louder, every minute of every hour.

Our connection was inevitable, I could tell how bad he wanted to break through
Enough for him to convince me,
crashing my car was how I’d get to you.
Your cheeky in the way you move
Fed on my weakness because you’d know I’d listen
But you’ve mistaken my blood shot eyes, for ones that glisten.
How could you think I’d be that easy?

I’m stronger than you realize, It insults me you mistook me for a phoney
You’ve been taunting me for years, how infuriating that your voices haven’t made me enough lonely
Your angry, losing patience in the divided line
But your poison kept me alive when it came down to my life and a telephone line

I’m a fool, not foolish. Near sighted, not blind
You made me weakest, gave false hopes on becoming yours and no longer mine

I’ve realized maybe you wanted me to meet my real demons
While they flashed red and blue in the taillight behind

I can’t decide if you wanted me at the bottom
As payment for my sins
Or gave me an opportunity to start solving all the real problems,
The ones from within.
I can’t find the right words yet.
I’m hoping this was our last dance
But I mean it when I say I met my maker
I know this time is my time, a real second chance.

Chest tube leaking blood from the side of my breast
Alone and uncertain
in a pale blue hospital dress
He told me he loves me
With a closed fist that felt like a loaded gun
cracking two ribs that must have argued with my lung
sign this waver
We’re running out of time
I wonder if he wouldof brought flowers to my grave.  
If I didn’t write my name on that line

I want to keep my eyes clear so I can see the moon
I want to keep my eyes clear so my funeral won’t be an empty room
I want white around my pupils, meat between my bones and skin
And less green and purple patches from the bleeding within
I want clarity in my voice when my parents call
I want to be telling the truth behind the excuse that I didn’t mean to fall
I want the numbness to feel warmth, and my ears to stop ringing
I want to be sleeping every morning when the birds start singing
I want gentle love and passion from the man who has been my best friend
I want kept promises of our future, not threats of a near end
I want to stop talking in circles, never finishing a conversation
I want a life that has journeys but also has a destination
I need to keep my eyes clear, no high is worth chasing
I need to keep going even when all I can think about is escaping
These drugs will never love me back, they’d never chase me like I do them
Yet here I am begging for love to a man who makes me feel less than  
I’m tired of running after things that don’t even notice if I’m there
This life is so painful unforgiving and unfair

It’s not your fault
You were raised broken
I don’t care about your town but I care about the words spoken
To you, or your siblings
When all they wanted was love
But they were stuck in a dark place where everything was unsure of
How do you agree to bring someone into this world
How does a mother try to trap a man knowing there relationship toxic
But
This YOUR BABY GIRL
how does a man agree to a baby when he knows he can barely take care of himself
Im so mad at this world, I wish I could be anywhere else.
I met women who have babies and made that her source of income
But that baby didn’t ask for a mother who had no plans to be one
Let me be clear when I say I don’t involve myself in politics
Because there’s flaws in every family, every future, every decision that makes me hurt for ALL people going through this.
There’s a stigma for the lower level of the Totum pole.
There’s a standard, an expectation, or a call of role
I think the world we live in today is a terrible place
I’m a single white female I dont see color and don’t judge circumstance based on your race
But we’re all in the wrong. Ain’t nothing easy anymore
I failed out of college and spend my days mopping floors.
I don’t blame the system for that because it’s on me.
But I blame the system for safety when things got scary, when ex boyfriends goes far enough to hurt my family.
I know there’s no rhyme or reason, there is absolutely no sense in believing in the law
But it took me fearing my life and realizing there isn’t ever anyone to call.
I was always different because I understood the people who lived in struggle and pain
My trauma is different, but the words I heard always felt the same
I still won’t understand how people could bring a child  in this world
When they don’t have a long term plan for this little boy
Or little girl.
I wish I could understand why all of us are expected to feel pain
And I wish I could save every person whose words hurt worse or hurt the same.
This life is so unfair no matter the lengths you’ve felt it
But we all suffer in our own ways. I just hope you find the strength to never quit

Every day is different and unknown
You wanted to leave the house but your mind wanted you home
Shifts of emotions come with out warning
How could so much happen from now since this morning
It only takes a second to lose control
But a life time to recover the time that it stole
You’ve been given a million reasons to feel all this rage
It’s in every chapter of your life on every single page
I know you feel hopeless like your trauma has damaged you beyond repair
How couldn’t you, when your constantly let down by the ones who said they’d be there
One day you told me that I had no ******* idea what was going on in your head
I stopped trying to compare and started learning how to be there instead
Your unique when it comes to your pain
You get so pattionate about something, it shouldn’t but makes you feel insane
I have seen every version of yourself and some tried scaring me away
Your dark days are hard enough but sometimes I don’t know what to say
I wish I could save you but it’s something only you can do
None of this is your fault but why are you letting it win when you hate to lose?
It’s a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply
Please don’t make permanent plans on a feeling you have briefly
I don’t take it lightly when my best friend tell me she wants to throw everything away
And my words are not enough to make you want to stay
Our friendship is so real from even when we were broken
Why would you spend so much time putting out fires in your life just to let the smoke in
I know how bad you want to quit
You have so much to live for, please open your eyes wider so you can see it

I’m sorry I can’t bring you into this world
Wether you were a boy or a girl I’m not ready
My spirit is low and heart heavy
I don’t love myself and it’s unfair
It’s selfish to bring you into a world of despair
I’m a drug addict trying to find peace
In a miserable place where no where feels like home
I’m trying so hard but I still feel like I’m on my own
I wish I could be happy and give you a life worth living
But I’m stuck in a broken tea cup that won’t stop spinning
I wish I could get off and give you my love.
But I’m too young to bring you into a world I’m so unsure of

I’m stumped on this one
I know it can’t be me because i always seems to be the one
Who guys’ve got stuck on, loose self control & become obsessed with a perfect pair of **** to bust on
Things were much easier when weeks at a time melted together
Feelings didn’t get brought up and smiles depended on weather
Everyday was new, the places the crew, or the color of the pill
Nothing mattered..
we coasted and vanished everyday, until
Someone caught feelings
And ****** up the vibe
Made no mans land complicated and brought warmth into a cold place to hide
It was always fun at first, till front row seats on the real you tour
When fun becomes numb and avoiding lows is what she lives for
Sticking around lost it’s appeal to a guy with bright eyes
Who’d wanna deal with a lost girl in never land thriving on uppers and lies
**** was always easier when everyone gave up on you
Darkness felt closer every time the devil flashed red flames in front of you
I get frustrated that I’m always the one to bring anything close to an end
Everything was easier when it was me burying me.
Not me burying them