Rlavr

Rlavr Jun 2014

I loved you but you are Jackson *******

Too erratic
Too abstract
Too beautiful
And too free

For my structured entropy

I said I really like Physics, and you said, 'Jeez'

Rlavr Jun 2014

Check-up

When the doctor said I didn't look healthy
I thought about you and your endless ennui
That drove you to kiss and **** all those boys
I said I don't get to sleep much
She said read your Bible
And I almost laughed out loud
But I guess I looked bewildered
I stopped believing in god when he stopped making sense

The doctor said I should stop drinking
But sleep wouldn't come and when it did
It haunted me with dreams of losing you
Over and over and over again
I wake up and I still have you but not so much
It's negligibly worse than losing you
Also ***** is my god now

The doctor said I should lose weight
She gave me a number and I wanted to storm out of the room
I saw your mocking eyes staring at me
As you touched and licked their sweaty abs and biceps
I borrowed the calculator
And I saw that all the excess weight was made up by you
So I thanked the doctor and left

I'm going to the airport today
To drop you
As you hand-carry my emotional baggage.

Emotional cardio and move on push ups

Rlavr Jun 2014

The Debate

I thought you were different

You thought I was naive

I guess you were right

I give up, adjudicator

Rlavr Apr 2014

Paintience

I wait for you
In still coffee nights of wonder
In early morning bursts of perspective
In half naked mornings and silent torture
Which are not mutually exclusive.

I still wait for you
Among the faces, in between streaking strips of asphalt and concrete
Among the entropy, in dark gangways of nervousness and catharsis
Among the noise, in impulsive shortcuts and Jack's Mannequin
Which my muddy shoes do not like very much.

I still wait for you
Through the fuzzy vision of late night, walking on existentialist angst, struggling to find the meaning of suffering and life
Through the haze of alcoholic pain, stumbling across residual memories, pleading that all the 3 AM visions would stop
Through the nicotine fog, falling away from depressive reality, building a method heavily dependent on addictive escapist solutions
Which reduces my life span short enough,

To stop waiting for you.

In vain; in vein.

Rlavr Mar 2014

Shelf space

My world is populated by me
Only me
Until you came along
And took my books from my shelves
Like they were yours

You left with my books
And I felt empty
Because now in my world
There is space for one more
And you are not here

Are you done with my books you should bring them back can I borrow your ******

Rlavr Jan 2014

Suddenly

I'm dying on my bedroom floor
Your hair blowing away on my sheets when I realized
I couldn't let you go anymore

I still see you leaning on the frame of my door
With the words you spoke in my memory, I realized
I'm dying on my bedroom floor

The look in your eyes which belongs to ancient lore
The tears in mine as I recalled and I realized
I couldn't let you go anymore

Your hand on my face, my lips on yours
The phantom feel of your kiss as I realized
I'm dying on my bedroom floor

Your non-hesitation as you bared your core
Foolishly disregarded and swept aside, then I realized
I couldn't let you go anymore

I've never felt anything like this before
The love drilling in my chest and the emptiness it bore
I'm suddenly dying on my bedroom floor
When I realized I couldn't let you go anymore

I wrote you a villanelle that you will never read because I'm trying to not be stupid

Rlavr Jan 2014

IQ: 84*

I am an idiot.
I am an idiot for falling in love.
I am an idiot for falling in love with you.
I am an idiot for falling in love with you after you said I shouldn't.
I am an idiot for crying because I fell in love with you after you said you shouldn't.
I am an idiot for falling in love with you.
I am an idiot for falling in love.
I am an idiot.

*Apologies to Haruki Murakami