i always thought twenty would be an age of maturity
the age of "put-togetherness"
the age of emotional regulation

as i near the age of twenty now,
all i can do is sit back and laugh
how far i still have to go

i still feel like the same little girl who picked at every physical imperfection in front of a mirror
i still get the same sour feeling in my chest when someone criticizes me, i never got better at not caring
i still tap my foot repeatedly as anxiety pulses through my veins in a room full of people

nearing the age of twenty,
i realize i am still consumed by the anxiety i always wished would magically fade with age
mental illness isn't a phase, yet it's something i have to deal with for the rest of my life

am i incapable of falling in love?
they say those who have been extremely damaged are the least likely to fall in love
i mean it makes sense, all of us damaged ones have never been shown what love was
our version of love is being treated like a dog, constantly begging for love

when i found you it was a different type of feeling
part of me knew i'd end up with you though
we've had our bumps but i've learned plenty on this journey
about you and me
we've definitely had to build on each other but we've come a long way

oh how i wish it were you all along
i strongly believe it's the timing of it all
if it was you since the beginning i'm 99% sure falling in love wouldn't be so hard
but unfortunately i had to be damaged a million times before meeting you

they always say the hardest relationship is the one after the toxic one
for so long i've been used to abuse and emotional manipulation,
that now i find myself getting bored when i'm not on that crazy rollercoaster ride, begging for love

but i'm happy i've met you
i just wish it was earlier
if only.

and then i realized
only medication or temporary rushes from substances would relieve the pain
the pain of living,
the suffocation of being trapped in a body i feel like i don't belong in
the never ending cycle of anxiety

and so i cried
and i cried so hard until i couldn't breathe
knowing there would never truly be an escape to this thing called life

the piercing screams of insults
ones that became engraved in your subconscious
just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife
another scar to add to your extensive list

run

like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air
similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way
each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target
she always manages to find another target

run

the wrath consuming me
years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy
all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions?
but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst

run

in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky
while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me
knowing my end, knowing my impending doom
but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win

you can't run anymore. the run is over.

i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you
but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted

but oh how i miss being held in your arms
in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you

to feel your embrace
to feel your presence
to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine
when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me
that everything would be okay in the end
but it wasn't.

i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end
the disappointment still consumes me

like the leaves on a tree that fall each year
when skies become darker, the world becoming more frigid
they slowly detach themselves from me
eventually i'm left with none in the end

each leaving my life for a different reason
a possible circumstance, or maybe they just grew tired of me
for each and every person there's always a different reason
the outcome is never different though

but then the spring comes around
a fresh start, new leaves begin to grow
and everything will return back to normal
however, the cycle will always repeat itself

preparing months for an exam
for a number that supposedly determines your worth
******* up to teachers, people you don't even like
just for them to hopefully write a few commendable words about you

all for the hopes of being deemed "acceptable" to some supposed authority
for a place that will decide what you'll be doing for the rest of your life
making these drastic decisions at the age of 18
when not too long ago you were just picking out your prom dress

listing down any type of hobby or recreation you have
to make yourself seem a little more unique
since the competitiveness between you and your peers is sharper than a knife
who will make the final cut in the end and be deemed worthy?