it’s the kind of smile
that hurts.
you know the one,
the painful yet
unavoidable one.

that inevitable feeling.
just smile through the pain.

i hate that every time i see you
i think you feel the same
i hate that i think these scenarios could be true
i hate that i only have myself to blame

i hate that i build you up inside my head
i hate that your smile makes me feel high
i hate the words i still haven't said
i hate that i continue to try and try

i hate that i can't make you see me
in the way that i see you
i hate that no matter how hard i plea
you won't notice the things i do

but most of all the thing i hate
is the hold you have on me and
the simple fact that i would wait
forever just to hold your hand.

i should be sleeping
it's 2:52
i shouldn't be weeping
or thinking of you

i can't help it
though i wish that i could
so here i sit
and i wish that you would

come over and tell me
you can't believe you didn't see it before
you realized how happy we could be
we'll have everything and more

but that's all in my head
i'm far too late
i lay back in my bed
and try to fall asleep at 2:58

I wished upon a star
last night, when I should’ve been asleep
I wished to be where you are
and for your heart, for me to keep

but when I awoke
you were not around
a few tears I had to choke
at the disappointment I found

so on night number two
I wished on the moon
I said I would do anything I had to do
for you to get here soon

you can imagine my dread
after a week without you
you’re still in my head
but my wish still hasn’t come true

so I decided to wish upon the sun
maybe that’s what I need
I said “please grant my wish, I only have one”
and for another hour I continued my plead

I couldn’t believe when
the next day, there you were!
but someone else must’ve been
wishing, because you were with her.

i felt it immediately

my jaw dropped
my hands froze
my heart sank

i had been in denial for days
saying that it couldn't be true
you could never hurt me like that

i feel so dumb
thinking of how oblivious i was
how safe i thought we were

because at 8:04 pm
you broke my heart

i don't blAme you
for wanting to do
things without me

lateLy it's just
that when yOu're
goNe
i havE nobody.

and no it won't always
be easy
there will sometimes be hard days
but you will get through them

he was as bright as a star
he spoke endless dreams
he walked like the ocean
he smiled sunshine
he laughed like a bonfire
he dreamt in colors
he adventured like summer nights
his scent a field of daisies
and his warmth as soft as a puppy

he was everything
and more

i'm trying to better myself.
sometimes it makes me feel great.
i think of all the things i'm going
to accomplish and do to make
me a better version of me.

but other times i get really down
and i can't find the motivation to
do anything. anything at all.
i feel useless and sad and dumb.
and i start from square one
all over again.

that one moment
you wish you could take back
that moment you hurt the person
that cares about you
more than anything.
i wish i could
have that moment back.

im no cynic
but sometimes i
really do wonder
if love can really
last a lifetime

nothing will ever be the same
i knew it the moment i left
but even still i was surprised when i came
back and everything had changed.

he was like a cigarette

bad for me
even though it feels good
and i knew i shouldn't
but i took a drag

and just like that

i'm buying packs
every other day
and smoking whenever i can
i feel my lungs
crying and begging me to stop

but i can't
i can't stop
i can't stop loving him

the way you say hello
makes me yellow
your cheesy grin and wink
make me feel so pink

my heart that you steal
it feels like teal
i swear it should be a crime
the way you make me feel lime

how you make me swoon
feels like maroon
and your hand i get to hold
makes me feel like gold

but talking to you
can make me feel so blue
the words that you said
burn, bright red

what I’ve just seen
makes me green
seeing you in this light,
has turned me to white

when you left that day
it made me gray
i wish you’d come back
because now all I feel is black.

it's pretty ironic how you
call it a crush
i used to think it was due
to that feeling you get, the rush.

when just thinking of him makes
you blush and feel
butterflies. you dream of him and it takes
waking up to remember he is actually real.

hearing his name
can make you smile
like nothing else. trying to tame
that feeling will take a while.

when he sees you and gives a smile and wave,
you feel extremely happy.
and that moment you will save,
despite it being sappy.

but then you see him one day
with somebody new.
he looks at her in the way
that you wish he looked at you.

you turn away because you can't bear to watch the rest,
and you swear you heard
your heart being smashed to pieces in your chest
and you realize that crush is the right word.

do you know that feeling
where you can feel the tears
coming up your throat
begging to come out
and you do everything you can
to keep it in
but you just can't.
they start slow but
build fast and you try not to make a sound
but you do.

For the first time
In a long time
I cried.
I cried myself to sleep
And once I was done
I cried again
And again
Until I had no more tears.
It felt good
And bad.
And now I feel like
Crying.

Dear mom

I know by know you're wondering
why i haven't called.
I know you probably think
its because I forgot or don't care
about you enough.

That isn't why. I've just
been going through some stuff
lately and I don't want you to worry
and I know that if I hear your voice
I will break.

I need a break from home and
our family and all of the ****
that has happened within the past year. I wish
things could be the same as they used to be.
One thing that will never change is that I love you.
I just need space and
I think 700 miles should do the trick.

I'll talk to you soon.

i hope that you’re happy
i hope you laugh everyday
i know this sounds sappy
since we’ve gone our separate ways

but i want you to smile
even brighter than before
i know it’s been a while
since i walked out that door

i hope you realize now
that it wasn’t meant to be
i hope you know how
it wasn’t easy for me

the truth is i miss you
i honestly really do
i’ll always love you too
but we both needed something new.

he was the kind of dream
that made you want to
stay in bed forever
even after you woke up
just thinking about it
over and over again

Last night I dreamt
That You were here with me
That You left that girl
And realized I was The One
For You.
You kissed me
And I swear, for a moment
It felt real.
So much passion could not
Just be a dream.
But seconds later I woke up
And I checked my phone
Only to see that she posted a picture
With You.
I laid back down and
Closed my eyes,
Because that's when I realized,
My dreams are the only place
That You and I are together.

it's easy to tell yourself
that you don't need something
or someone.
it's hard to actually believe
that you don't.

i think its pretty funny
how the poems i hate the
most
are usually the ones that
succeed the most.

i hope you're not mad at me
i see your disappointment when i close my eyes
i hope one day you'll see
and maybe then we can stop with all of the goodbyes

people think of happiness
too much in terms of
a destination
and not enough
in terms of
a feeling

i used to think of happiness
as a destination.
some place you got after
working really hard.

you might have to endure a lot
to get there
but once you arrived you realize
it was worth it.

it took me too long
to see
happiness isn’t a place.
it’s a feeling

and if you get absorbed in
the idea of finally
reaching a point where you’re always happy,
you never will be.

i toss and turn.
in my memory, i feel you burn.
the look on your face
keeps me locked in place
i try to help, i try to scream
but i no longer can. now you're just a dream.

my highs are so high
unbelievable
and truly captivating
they almost make me forget


that my lows
are
so
low

i left home
or at least the place i'd always called home
it's been almost 6 months
i love the place i'm in right now
but somethings missing
i don't know what it is
but i know there's something that's just not there
and now i don't belong where i came from
and i don't belong here.

How can i live
Unpunished and full of
Regret after what i did
To

YOU?

it’s funny
in a twisted way
when you finally realize
that you’re not fine
and that you have been lying.

lying to your friends
putting on a smile
pushing down that feeling
hoping that by ignoring it
it might actually leave.

lying to your family
the people who can see
something is wrong.
but no one can help
if you don’t help yourself.  

worst of all
lying to yourself
thinking that you could trick yourself
into believing those words.
but you can’t.

it’s difficult
thinking of you
with her
and happy

it’s not that I don’t
want you to be happy
I do.
I just wish it was me who made you happy.

thinking of those long summer nights
when we were together
in a room full of people
but it always felt like just us two

I know it’s my fault
I should’ve said something
done something
to show you how I felt.

but now I sit in the same room
tank tops have turned to jackets
flip flops to boots
and you’re with her, not me.

I steal a glance
or maybe two
and you’re smile
makes me break.

im sorry for hurting you
i never meant to
but i did anyways and
i cant take it back.
hurting you hurts me more than anything.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im not asking for your forgiveness or understanding.
im just sorry.
and i wish i could tell you this.

it’s unfair, really.  
to expect someone to read a book
without being able to open it.
to understand the characters and the plot
without reading a single word.

all this time
i thought i was helping
by keeping that book closed
and holding it out of anyone’s reach.

but i didn’t help.  
now my story doesn’t have an end.

sometimes when
i listen to love songs
i think of you




okay i lied

i always think of you

I've never said those words out loud.
I've never felt those words, not truly.
But once they were spoken, they couldn't come back.
And those words were true when they left my mouth.

I knew you didn't feel the same way.
I knew that saying those words wouldn't change anything.
We both knew from the beginning
this wasn't a good idea.

If I hadn't spoken those words
Would I feel any better when I watched you leave?
Replaying over and over how I feel
I don't regret anything.

i wished you saw me.
the way i saw you.
and i couldn’t believe you didn’t see
how it hurt, how you turned me blue
but my love was always true.

the way you laughed, the way you talked
was music to my ears.
even small things, like the way you walked
made me feel as if I could conquer all my fears,
but now all of it brings me to tears.

because you didn’t feel that way
you never looked at me the same
you rolled your eyes at everything I would say,
my voice was loud, my shoes were lame,
and i was always to blame.

i tried to fight
for us, because i cared
but you always had to be right.
you just could not have bared  
a compromise, we could have never shared.

i cried when i told you that
i couldn’t do it anymore.
i looked where you sat
and realized you walked out the door
and you left me and my heart on the floor.

it took me too long
to look back and see
i did what i could, you were in the wrong
i smile as i realize i am finally free
because now i know it was you, not me.