how can i be completely honest with someone
without scaring them,
without having them think i am still
in love with you?
i swear i'm over you.

i ****** up and said your name
while i was with him.
he probably thinks i'm still obsessed with you,
and he wouldn't be completely wrong.
your name and face run through my mind
at least five hundred times a day.
i just like to fantasize about what we could've had.
it was nice having hope i may have found the one.

driving around
and there's only one thing on my mind:
you.

they kept you at bay.
but once they left,
your face and name came flooding back.
drowning every word i ever said to them,
every emotion i expressed to them.
did i even mean any of that stuff?

****, i even told one of them i loved him.
and it was really hard saying that
because admitting that to someone is next to impossible for me to do.
now i'm questioning whether or not
i even truly cared about him.
did i say it because i actually felt it?
did i say it because he was almost my dream guy?
(God knows guys over six feet tall make me uncomfortable.)
or did i say it because i'm afraid to be alone
and i didn't want him to go
and i needed him to stay so i can forget you?

they all told me the same *******
and i believed it all.
i just wanted to hear it from you.

and everyone tells me that i should be over you
by now.
and that everyone that has come after you is better.
they just don't understand that when your own psyche
convinces you that you two are meant to be,
it's impossible to stop thinking of them.

how could you forget about me so easily?
i act like you ever cared about me.
god, i'm so ******* stupid.
at night i laid in bed restless,
wondering if i ever came across your mind,
wondering if you felt guilty knowing how much i wanted you,
while you were with him
creating memories,
memories i yearned to make with you.
now that he's gone, do you think of me at all?

i wrote a book about you
all while you were enveloped in his arms.
and i published it on the internet, hoping
maybe one day you'd come across it.
i thought that once i put it out there,
i had finally ridden you from my memory and heart,
but that's not true at all.
i still think of you, even when i'm with him.
now i'm the one feeling guilty.

there's this thing that i do once a week
where i spew words onto blank sheets of tree carcasses
and those words always revolve around you.
(of course, they're always about you)
for some god unknown reason, i think that doing this
will expel you from my memory.
i just think to myself,
"maybe if i keep writing about him, it'll be like he never existed."
and i know that is not true.
maybe i write about you
because i like to pretend you're still here,
even though you were never truly here.