I know God is lonely
He gave me arms to hold him

I know God is lonely
Because when I hold him
And our hearts are side by side
They start to beat together

As if this entire time
His heart was looking for another
To prove that someone cared
That someone loved him

I know God is lonely
Because when I sit in the rain
Burning joint between my lips
And no one around to watch

The rain seeps to my bones
So that sitting by your side near the fire
Will be sweeter for it

I know God is lonely
Because we are apart
And I am lonely

Maybe I don't have enough tears
Maybe no amount of tears would be adequate
I find myself shaking
Screaming
Retching
And in all my misery
Still I do not have you
And I can not cry an ocean
I can not cry a single tear

Swallow them down
Lumps of coal leaving dust in my throat
Cough once
Cough twice
Spit out black coal dust
Brush my teeth

In my chest
Or sometimes my stomach
The pressure builds

When I *****
And my stomach wretches
And my heart seizes

They'll climb back up my esophagus
Edges sharpened
Reflecting crimson gore
From the paths they cut as they came back out

If coal can turn into diamonds
Can my "self restraint"
Turn a bitten tongue into silver?

I cut my voice on diamonds
They looked like rubies when I spit them out

My sister has curly hair
From day one
She has cut and burned it at every chance

Her hair is dark and thick
Like our fathers
I wish I had his hair instead

I wish the follicles on my head
Wernt thin and brittle
And quick to fall

Would that make me a man?

My sister has a flat chest,
My ******* have been called the best
My family and friends alike

She calls her own chest, childlike
If we traded, and my breath was unstressed
If they fell from my body

Would that make me a man?

What an unjust God
Who would give us bodies
That did not fit our souls

What cruel diety
Would leave us feeling
So cramped

There is a scream stuck in the back of my throat
But this body is not mine
So I cannot let it out.

This scream is generational
An heirloom who's barers begged to not pass on
They were given no choice

This scream wraps it's claws around my words
It wants them to help lift it out
But my voice is too small to be a vessel for so much pain.

Did this scream taste like blood at the back of my grandmother's throat?

Does it taste like blood at the back of yours?

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

If I scream towards the sky and you cover your ears, will your God hear it?

Will you put our faces in the dirt because you do not like the look in our eyes?

Will you say you have been cut when we spit ****** mud at your face?

There is a scream stuck in the back of my throat
It is my birthright, this clawing grief
My condolences to whoever bears it next.

Why have you come to sit upon my shoulder?
Demon in my ear you curse my waking days
When was it first that your foul words came to echo along my own thoughts?
From which abyss where you hatched?
Did the fiendish imp upon my mother's back spawn for me my undying companion?
Lord of lies your tongue is not silver.
White hot it sears me, every word a brand on my moral conscience.
Was it from birth then, that you came too me?
What burden to me which you and your kin have become.
I cannot pry your talons from my flesh with any more ease than pulling my very thoughts from my head.
Foul futures you whisper to me.
The world is set aflame by forlorn candles in the mornings and perhaps by the left wing of a monarch I am painted blue in the night.
I am beset with the scars of your care.
Hold me gently while you serenade me with tales about the noises in the night.
Perhaps tell me again about how the crash I have just heard was poison falling from the cabinet to feed the cat who will surely now foam at the mouth and die.
I will get up to find him and tell you that you are wrong.
And then something will rattle and bid me here you speak again.

If I could
Pull my clockwork heart out
From my chest and point
To every gear that refuses to tick

If I could
I would dismantle it in front of you
To show you where
And why it gave out

If I could
I would show you the gear
Unattached to any other
Spining desperately
Because it doesn't know
It's spinning along and for nothing

If I could
I would tell you I think
That I didn't know
That clockwork was so delicate
I think I have clumsy hands
And I broke a few parts
Trying to fix it

If I could
I would give you the windup key
To stab me in the back and twist it
Hoping for something to click into place

But I can't.
I gunked up the keyhole
Hope and fear don't mix well
Like chewing gum they stick
And mix until they're both brown

I can't
Reach that little gear
Spinning so relentlessly

I can't oil it
And stop it from screaming
Screeching so loudly
At all the other gears around it
That won't turn no matter how fast it goes

I can't
Turn each gear by hand
I've tried
No one warned me
That clockwork hearts are warm
And bruise so easily

If I could
I would take up my clockwork heart
In my clumsy callous hands
Feeling it's hummingbird wing beats
Struggling in Morse code
Begging and pleading
To be held gently

If I could
I think maybe I would grip it
Feel it sputter and struggle
Like every time before
Just for clockwork gears
To grind together
To spark for all the wrong reasons

If I could
I would squeeze just a bit more
Until the last spinning gear halted
I would sob as I crushed it
Because it's already bruised and sore

If I could
I would be gental and lay it down
Let it hummingbird wings beat
And see that it's a cog in a dying machine

If I could
I would let it go cold
Numb it so the bruises stop hurting
I would put it to rest for pities sake

If I could
I would be soft with it
But I have clumsy callous hands
And cruelty will have to do
I would dare to call it mercy
If it would justify my tears

Blood of my blood
Prints in the sand
Red it has fallen
From where we now stand

Breath of my lungs
Exhale and lay
The sorrows have yet to pass

The tears that were shed
Have left for the dead
To the end of the day at last

Blood of my blood
Born of my name
Rebel all you like
And see we are same

Plan your escape
Use whispers and lies
Understand I see through your eyes

Daughter and son
The door to life is through pain
So blood of my blood
Wash yourself in the rain

Dash now my hopes on foreign shores
Let the distant ocean stake her claim
She cannot do any further harm
Than silver devils who have done the same

Thoughts of the heart are unrelenting
Yet bared teeth have made
The tongue they bite awfully craven
They dare not utter what the heart may say

Sit among the willows
And do not bow your head
Lay low along the sweet grass
Which hides the stench of dead

Bury deep then
Your darkest thoughts
And think upon them still
As they sit with that which rots

It is not your place
To hide your face
From life which already knows it

Foe nor friend nor love long gone
You may not be guided here
The sweetest wine is dust now tasted
Lay low all which you hold dear

The simple savories you indulged
Have bled through bleeding hands
Now twice and thrice they wither
In foreign familiar lands

Take up this sword O daughter, O son
From now until your job is done
Burn twice as bright as me

Little toy soilder
Sat under a boulder
Your hat has been knocked off

Your knife is now rusted
Your glasses are busted
And you've lost your favorite socks

If your head weren't ******* on
It'd to be long gone
Though where it is now must ****

Your commander is gone
Your friends still fight on
And a bird took your dog tags along

So little toy soilder
Laid under a boulder
Without you the game still goes on

Were I but a butterfly
On eve of summers past
Born to struggles brief
Handed dice not mine to cast

Upon unforgiving wind
Which bows the stoic tree
To land at last beneath the sun
And allow lady death to cradle me.

Ever green the blue grass grows
Sitting now on jester hill
Nonsense spins to nonsense new
And only if she ever knew

Colors pop and fade again
And soon the willow wind blows blue
Sit 'neath the leaning tree that weeps
Follow then the hummingbird

Onward, step with grace and care
Ignore the cat that cannot blink
He cries to a moon that died
Its last breaths drawn in later months

Rest now but do not lay to long
Get up again when the crow has come
If still you lie when the sun is up
Only your bones will remain

Not an easy thing
I am shriveled and weak
So see through my eyes
I am small and meek

Look into my head
A constant chatter
A thousand thoughts
Echo that I don't matter

I'm grasping at straws
And wishing on stars
That I could see any value
Underneath my scars

Do you think I don't beg
At night as I scream
Desperate for relief
Desperate to dream

So far I am worthless
No inherent use
My entire existence
Is unhinged and loose

So throw me away
Lend me some meaning
So that when I am gone
It won't be so unseeming

Let me do what I can
Vicarious meaning or not
So perhaps I'll wake up
Instead of laying to rot

Swirling in my head
A white noise screaming
But stuck quietly
Softly seeming

One moment
And ten all glued together
Stuck up all in a knot
A noose neck tether

What do I make of it
A tangled chest of something
Rattling and clanging
I fear it to be nothing

This is entirely your fault
A song stuck in my head
Playing on a messy loop
I can't even go to bed

I held you once
And once again
Messy unkempt emotions
I leave myself to pain

And silent sealed lips
You shall never hear of this
I'll stew and roll over
And hope the emotions miss

Ignore the way I look at you
It will leave if given time
It was a kindness for you to hold me
It does not make you mine

I'll pray that time may stop
Just for a second or more
To etch your eyes into my soul
Before you walk out the door

This may be simple loneliness
But your smile lights the room
I'll catch it just one more
And accept bittersweet doom

Common
Brown eyes
Brown on so many faces

But if eyes are the window
Straight to the soul
And every soul is unique
Then nobody's eyes are common

Honey on leather
Sat in the sun on a sunday
Right after noon
Sticky smile
Warm

Dirt
Rich in the shade
Of a tree that has seen all
Full of life
And secrets
A bit cool and damp
And yet inviting

Leaves fallen and dry
Crunching and sharp
Drifting and floating
And landing softly

Glass bottle eyes
Shining and clear
A little see through
But bright and childish
Like rose colored glasses
But better

Chestnuts
Textured and wooden
Rough and intuitive
See right through you
And hold you tight

So many browns
Dismissed and unseen
By people who don't take time
To look and really see
And absorb

Brown eyes
Brown windows
Looking in on every type of soul
Waiting to be written about
By someone who is looking

I want to love
But I hate me
So what love I deserve
I cannot see

Pray and hope
For someone to embrace
Glance in the mirror
And I'm not worth the chase

So back away now
Before my heart latches on
Don't step so close
So I can tell myself it's wrong

Frail and grasping
The slightest kindness
And you outshine the sun
I will never bare that likeness

In my eyes
As much as I want
Don't touch me
It's a cruel taunt

My heart sprints to keep up
Attempting to reason
With a self mutilating mind
Saying to love me is treason

So don't touch me
I'll love you for a while
Tell myself I'm undeserving
Move on, nod and smile

And you'll never hear a word of it

For my family.
For my friends.
For beginnings.
For the ends.

I have to thank the people.
Who helped to pick me up.
Who stuck by my side.
Who filled up my cup.

So thank you once again.
Thank you for a voice.
One to oppose my inner own.
Thank you for a new choice.

Alone
Do you hear it?
The vibrating universe
It reaches deep as I sit

Alone
Shaking so silently
As if it could shatter
Now numb, yet absentmindedly

Alone
Because it vanishes
Among company and sound
And only creeps in when I am

Alone
My heart beats while I breath
The cosmos, it shivers
Then holds steady when I'm not

Alone
It is not an audible sound
Only heard in the silence
Peaceful and constant and

Alone

It's quiet
But only around me
It's loud
But from where, I can't see

I ask
Why do I lie awake
I answer
Because I cannot sleep

I scream
But it is quietly within
I whisper
And yet it rings in my ears

It's dark
Maybe I'll swallow a lightbulb
It's bright
So I'll turn off my phone

Forwards and backwards
Mirrored upsidedown
Don't look quite so close
You might see me frown

I zoom into the day
I can laugh and smile
Take a wrong step back
And regret for a while

Pull a single mask off
See another beneath
Imposter times two
With zero relief

I zoom out of the day
Can't be bothered to care
Ask the one who zoomed in
If they've some emotions to spare

Zoom in zoom out
Puffed eyes dipped in apathy
Crystal ***** rolling randomly
In biweekly duality

Pick my brain for a joke
Find chewed gum thoughts
Lost under my tounge
Next to half undone knots

Ran in a circle
To see where I'd been
Landed flat on my face
Just to start again

The past is the past
But I never understood
What moving forward meant
Or how anyone could.

Rapid fire memories
Could sink this floating ship
Into the cruel undertow
My blur heart would dip.

The fondest of relationships
Have been worn to one side each
And the glued on ruby lenses
Will not let them teach.

Perhaps I shall sink
And mourn what time tore
I do not have the strength
To swim forward anymore.

When the tears come
I cannot name a reason
Except for the crime I committed
For existing, which is treason.

I ponder as I weep
Into the gleaming night
On cracks I must’ve slipped through
With the end nowhere in sight.

Exhaustion of the heart,
Drag me to it depths
Each new fall from grace
Made with willing steps.

The oceans waves rage above
As I sink to the numb
Current carry me to tears
Among the ever growing thrum.

At the bottom lies despair
Hardly that which I escape
And soon enough shall I sink
Allow my life to fall out of shape.

You’ve no heart of gold
Nor shimmering silver tongue
You’ve not ivory words
From which listeners are strung

You’ve the soul of a star
Which in the night was forged
Which deepest dark and inky void
Upon your light has gorged

And I stayed up and stared
From a distance yet unknown
From the confines of mortal flesh
To see what might be shown

I wondered to myself in silence
How one could be so bright
There was pity found with the awe
For you who floated in the night

I understood the poets praise
For the moon who hung above
While it sat just out of reach
Did not burn their professed love

E’er longer did I stare
And ponder the vast you call home
And the brightest burning beauties
Must shed their light alone

You, my dear, are not the moon
Calm and cool and close
Burn with E’er growing splendor
Yet, from solitude, reap your woes

I am a selfish girl
Laughing as much as I do
Smiling as much as I can
And forcing you to laugh to

Telling jokes you can’t resist
Just to see you grin
Show me your beautiful joy
And maybe I can win

And when you can’t find your laugh
Hand to me your heart
The pieces it’s in don’t matter
I’ll fix what falls apart

Because I’m a selfish girl
And if you’ve had yet to see
I’ll hold your world together
So that I don’t have to fix me

You grabbed my heart
I turned to look
You're the hope that vanished
But it was my world that shook

Your smile is a pick
Strumming at the strings
And as you walk by
Every bird sings

And I am a shadow
The moon to your sun
Made for whispers and tears
Not smiles and fun

I'm stuck in the back
Raising my hand
All eyes to you
And I don't understand

I'm not admired
No one cares for my work
My personality's flawed
Unlike yours that has quirk

No one will see me
With that gleam in their eye
The way they see you
The best butterfly

Blue sky
Barbed wire
To climb is to bleed
But I must go higher

Fluffy clouds
Lazy sky
Wounded hands
And wishes to fly

Shut up
Close your mouth
Quit your talking
Because its going south

For Christ's sake
My ears are sore
And I swear my head
Can't take anymore

******* hell
These walls are thin
The garbage you spew
Crawls on my skin

Just shut up
It's all white noise
You abuse your voice
Like children with toys

The more you spew
The value decays
The more you repeat
The less it conveys

I absolutely wonder
If maybe you can see
The long and lanky demons
That sit and stare at me

In the corners of my room
They sit and stare at night
In the edges of my vision
Just within my sight

And I just can't help but wonder
Which set of eyes I should trust
The ones that say demons don't exist
Or the ones that say they must

And you must understand
My reality is twisted
What I continue to deny
Has gone on and persisted

And I have to wonder
That if I close my eyes
If the demons remain
Or if they're but a vanishing lie.

The sky is changing overhead.
The earth is moving fast.
Time keep pushing forwards.
I keep looking to the past.

Where could yesterday have gone?
I feel it in my cheeks.
Not the kindest kiss goodbye.
The tears remain for weeks.

The stars above are staring
But do they understand
That like tears, stars can fall
Forgotten when they land?

I cannot wave goodbye
Into the silent night.
Waiting in the river
Slinks a terrible fright.

The sky above is spinning.
The stars are falling down.
The blackness is insatiable
and never makes a sound.

Yesterday is weeping
For what it once knew.
It can't see the future
So what is it to do?

Yesterday is dead
The future holds the gun
But quickly faded away
With the setting sun.

Today is all we have
And yet the tears remain.
The memory that burns
Is yesterday's bitter stain.

Endless corridors
Walls that shift
This string on my wrist
Isn't a gift

I feel like some
Have a bright glowing thread
A strong little string
To lead them to bed

My broken line
Leads me to traps
Drowns me and burns me
While my strength it saps

And I pity it so
For the meal it eats
A meager meal
And the feast yet shrinks

Black and frail
And cold to the touch
My broken thread
Has never helped much

Sleep in your bed
As I fall in a pit
Until my broken thread pulls me out
Here I must sit

I do hope you're a *******
Because the smile on your face is horribly sadistic
And I'll make it hurt
As I carve it from your face

Almost is the happiest word I know
She almost left him
He almost lost
They almost crashed
The fire almost burned it
Twisting things around when all hope is lost
Taking certain doom and making it almost
At the end of a book
When the main character is is bleeding out on the ground
They almost didn't make it
Almost makes us leap for joy and cry tears as we smile the biggest ******* smile we could
But
It can **** it just as fast
He almost beat cancer
The dog almost made it
The car almost swerved in time
Almost, almost, almost
Then the tears aren't so happy
Then the books let the villain win
Then our hearts break and we are left there gasping for breath because even our lungs don't know how to react
Because almost can override muscle memory
Almost is a heartbreakingly beautiful word
And almost
Is the saddest word I know

I feel it
The spontaneous and wonderful hope
That hangs in the air with each breath
With each lingering word comes "if"
Because every action is a fork in the road
And that fork leads to more of its kind
And as you stand there on the verge of each decision

I feel it
The spontaneous and wonderful hope
But a fork is a fork for a reason
And on the other side is a horrible fear
Because a hope is just a hope
A longing that you turn the right way
The way that will land you on a rainbow with a smile on your face

I feel it
The spontaneous and wonderful hope
And the potential for it to be
Absolutely
Destroyed

Dance with me
Demon
For I am a poet
And I will dream on

My dreams may be nightmares
That you dragged along
But I'll use my pen
And make them a song

Everyone had demons
But I am a poet
And through words
I will show it

I fight with my demons
Just like you
But for a few short lines
I'll dance with them too

I will wander
Through forests deep
Standing under moonlight
Watching shadows creep

They'll dance on the edge
Out the corner of my eye
They tug at my sleeves
As I wander by

Soon I will leave
The forests behind
And my dreams with the shadows
For others to find

I could dance with sunlight
Or sing to the sky
I could stare at the clouds
Wishing to fly

I could dream of the blue
That paints sunlit skies
But a dance with the sunlight
Is full of goodbyes

It is warm and lively
All day long
But as soon as it sets
You must pause the song

I will dance with the dark
And under the moon
I shall never say
"See you again soon"

Even in the day
If in a shadow it be
This soft whispering song
Is for the darkness and me

Do you see it,
The weight I bare
The pencil in my hand
And the smile hardly there

Salted tears
Become my ink
And the timer runs fast
On my time to think

The tip of my pen
That I struggle to pull
Is denser than gold,
The weight of a soul

Envy my work
And the words that I say
But you will never envy
The price that I pay

A pat for a pat
Or an eye for an eye
I scratch creativity's back
And it leaves me to die

Tears burn like fire
At two in the morn
But choking on sobs
To silence I'm sworn

With tears as my ink
Now littered on the page
Each word is a needle
And each line a cage

Inspiration is fleeting
Do not take it light
For we so named poets
Our genius is our blight

It's looming again
Over my shoulder
Watching everything I do
It's weight like a boulder

A clenching of my chest
A shortness of my breath
A slowness to my steps
And a wishing for death

Gripping at me hair
As tears run down my face
Screaming out my lungs
Pleading to get out of this place

It's looming again
It's eyes waiting for a chance
Looking for a reason
To start another dance

Fear is on the floor
Bowing at my feet
Asking for a dance
This dance is my defeat

Trust
Is paper thin
And you can't think of it
As a second skin

It takes time to build
And like a wall
Removing one piece
Can make it fall

Built up for years
And destroyed in a day
Betraying it
Is never okay

It physically hurts
When trust is shattered
Because it showed
Someone once mattered

Trust
Will remain scarred
Once wounded
Forever marred.

It's never easy
To say goodbye
To someone you love
And you'll hear your heart cry

It's easier
In the rain
Because then
They can't see your pain

Even if it's better
For everyone involved
Goodbye doesn't leave the problem
Feeling solved

You may see them again
But goodbye is forever
And finding the words
Isn't an easy endeavor

It's never easy
To say goodbye
And the tears will run
Until you have no more to cry

Slipping sanity
Shattering mind
Disturbing thoughts
And no reason why

Falling apart
1,2,3
I don't understand
so I flee

Into the deepest
Corners of my heart
I watch my glass sanity
Fracture and depart

I don't know why
I don't know why
So I build a brick wall

I build a brick wall
An earth deep
And a sky tall

Terrible thoughts
Leak through the cracks
And I'm terrified
Of the joy I now lack

I don't know why
I feel so sad
I don't know why
It's so easy to get mad

I don't know why
When I'm alone with my mind
The dark of the world
Attacks me from behind

Age is measured
by number of years
10, 20, 30
counted by your peers

you're born with a number
that sticks with you through life
you can't shake it off
no matter the strife

you're labeled by worth
"how much money have you?"
not by your soul
or how far your heart flew

you're labeled in death
by the year that you died
not the life that you lived
or the tears that you cried

you get a number in prison
your name doesn't matter
for all that they care
you're another mad hatter

you're judged by your height
or the pounds that you weight
only those who are famous
are judged by what they say

so many numbers
and to you they are sown
judged by a number
and not the unknown

A lone king
Sits on his throne
In the crumbling castle
He once called home

The crown on his head
No more than gold
Can't bring back
The life that he sold

He sold it for power
And lost it to greed
He focused on the want
And not on the need

His people were poor
His nobles were fat
He did not see the mess
On which his throne sat

He started many a war
The greed drove him mad
It was easy to tell
His kingdoms condition was sad

It all fell apart
Others invaded
But to funding the army
He would not be persuaded

Now here he sits
On a crumbling throne
Both his body and heart
Surrounded only by stone

I fade into the background
So easy to forget
And though it's not my fault
I alway come to regret

And every conversation
Despite the laughes or tears
Now all seem so meaningless
Sad forgotten years

They never seemed to notice
What the silence meant
A silent cry for help
My energy, on forced silence, spent

So back to isolation
It's clearly understandable
For though all others are
I'm clearly not irreplaceable

Check in the closet
And under the bed
I thought something moved
Was it in my head...?

The shadows have eyes
That branch is a claw
That clown on the chair
It moved, I saw!

Was that a scream that I heard
Or just the screen door
My sanity is slipping
I can't take anymore.

Cover my head
And wait for the sun
It's all in my head
And there's nowhere to run

Sand through and hour glass
And breath on a window
The grass growing back
Soon after you mow

Memory through age
Legend through time
Story to myth
And myth to nursery rhyme

The moon in the sky
The cycle of stars
The tide of the sea
The red glow of mars

A breath in
A breath out
A small whisper
A sharp shout

The sigh of a breeze
Swaying of trees
A red cherry blush
And weakening of knees

The orange glow of the clouds
As the sun rises at dawn
A rubbing of eyes
A lazy, tired yawn

Moments are fleeting
And hard to keep pinned
To precious to loose
But they are like dust in the wind

The snaking river
Winding past trees
Making small boats
Out of tiny leafs

Its journey is long
And lonely at best
But it continues to flow
Needing no rest

Its soft burbling sound
Is calming to hear
And its pure, clean water
Draws animals near

It brings life to the land
Making it green
Causes flowers to bloom
And stones to gleam

It provides for the life
From large bears to small mice
Yet no matter how much you try
You'll never touch the same river twice