I understand now
that there is no fix,
no resolution in sight.
There is no direction,
not a single path for me.
There is nothing for me to believe in
and there is nobody I can turn to now.
I am broken beyond repair
but I'm still expected to live
and I understand now
that it's always going to be this way.
They tell me to ignore
this voice in my head
but it's the only voice
that ever speaks to me
with honesty.
A white flag drapes over me,
I am face-down in the dirt.
Everyone collectively tramples over me
and every single thing I've ever wanted.
The only relief I feel is when I imagine
a life where I never existed.
It only lasts a minute
until reality fades back in,
I have to go to sleep alone now
and repeat this cycle tomorrow.
It happens over and over,
then I rinse and repeat.
When confronted with my life,
all I want to do is retreat.
I am broken beyond repair
but I'm still expected to live.
I can't escape myself.

I want to wipe away your tears,
place a band-aid on that mark
branded onto your skin.

The worst days I spent climbing
I probably gained a thousand feet
but the best part of the climb was
the inches that it took to reach the peak.
That applause in the end means more
than all the work that almost killed me.
Like a picture, every picture,
that credit brings a still in me.
The look on your face is instilled in me.
Nobody cares about all the negatives
that I keep housed in this dark room,
all that matters is the final prints
that slowly develop in my hands.
That skyline which we see in the end
wouldn't be visible if we never made
the decision to start the climb
from the ground up.

Not being able to make eye contact,
trying so hard to make a ****** expression
that matches the mood of the conversation
because you don't want to be the one to **** it.
If someone notices what you're trying to hide,
there's always those awkward sentences when you
try to divert their attention from all your problems.
It's weird, it's strange, it's concerning how we try
to keep an imaginary peace to appease everyone else.

Why am I always expected
to cross this lengthy bridge alone
when it'd make so much more sense
for you to meet me half-way?

The date was 3/25/27.
At 3:52 in the morning,
I felt a presence in the room.
The lights were all turned off
except for the glare of a computer screen.
The loneliest moment of my life
became the least in a matter of seconds.
My room became crowded in no time.
I felt so much gratitude when it happened
but I couldn't help but feel completely empty
when it came time to part ways.
What was it? What was it? I couldn't tell you.
But I know we had a conversation.

I'm tired of being sad
but pretending that I'm not at all.
I'm tired of being so sad
and having no real reasons why.
I'm tired of watching the phone ring
but being too scared to pick up the call.
I'm tired of everybody moving on
while I'm still stuck running in place.
I'm tired of wearing this mask
when it's the ugliest thing about me.
I'm tired of being trapped in this sickness,
tired of wearing the shackles of a slave
when all I want is to be free.
I'm tired of feeling everything
but constantly telling myself that
none of these feelings really exist.
I'm tired of nothing working.

I wear no flag on my back
and I identify as no one else,
but myself.
I push no outside narrative
and there's no idea that I
wish to sell to the masses
except to be yourself.
Mob mentality has made it's way
inside like a disease into society.
No, there's no "I" in "team",
that's something for certain
and I for one think
that it should stay way.

Words don't come from the tongue,
they only form from a keyboard now.
Now the world's branded and marketed,
everything's traced and recorded now.
Tracking movements, digitizing the soul.
I long for a chance to escape it all,
to disconnect from our captors up above.
Marry the tide or observe the birds in song,
bathe in the rain and hide within the snow,
I want to become one with the stream as it flows.
Discard the cycle of news which aims to separate,
disarm our weapons of war before they annihilate.
Cut up these cords that tangle in our minds,
I long to escape the glare of the screen.
All I see are dulled whites, blacks and greys
but outside of this is an endless green.
I want to go there.

Dodging these shots and I'm
picking these knives out my back,
my heart feels like an all-out attack
and inside my brain feels like a car crash.
Hyperventilate while meditating,
no all of the peace didn't work.
I keep tunnel vision for everybody around me
the only color I see is the red on their hands.
Every time I take a stand I fall back to the floor,
don't have any sense of direction anymore.
Dealt with so much heartache
it almost looks purple from this angle
and while my whole world falls apart
they expect to me to resemble an angel.
I can't see at any point into the future
'cause I can barely comprehend here and now.

These are my flaws.
I never speak for myself
and when somebody gets close
I always go the other way,
there's an invisible wall
blocking me from the rest
standing up so tall
I can't see over it's ledge.
They always find a way to leave
the same way as they came
and I think it's all my fault,
I let it show on my face.
I wasn't built for any of this,
it's a cycle that repeats,
I carry my sins on my sleeves.
There's no chance to repent,
don't know what to believe.
You say I'm too stubborn,
I think I'm just incredibly lost
in a world with no answers
when answers are all that I need.
It gets worse when everybody's asleep,
I don't want to depend on anyone
but I don't think I can do it alone.
I hate being so defeatist
but I feel so defeated,
I forget everything
just as quick as they teach it.
All the energy in me
has been quickly depleted,
and all the progress I make
has been swiftly deleted.
I reopen the wound
just as quick as they treat it.
Still I move up the goalpost
right before I reach it.
This expectation rises
before I can ever meet it.
I hate being so defeatist
but I feel so defeated,
I'll probably go blind
before I will ever see it.

You don't seem the same,
I can't put my finger on it
but no we don't ever relate anymore.
You've grown more tame,
I can't see any life in your eyes
and I don't know who I am no more.
Needlessly vibrant,
but these colors don't represent
who you really are inside
yet the people still believe it.
Over-processed
and lacking something special,
this is how I view the world now.
You used to be some proof I was wrong
but these days you blend in
and I stand out in the worst way.
You talk different, you walk different,
I think you're just like them.
Indoctrinated into some clique,
I think it killed your precious soul.
I can't see any life in your eyes
and it makes me think about things.
You're further and further from me, yet
I don't really know who I am anymore, either.

Even if I were to go today,
I know that I'll never die.
Every action, good or bad,
still lives on when I go.
The world I've left behind
will continue to spin on
long, long after I'm gone.
Her smile will still peek out
and his voice will still sound
no matter how deep I am
inside of the ground.
I find comfort in that fact alone,
that I'm just a passing piece
of this picture that's infinite.
My piece of this world
doesn't vanish after death,
my part of the picture just finishes.

This is
the fall of civilization,
this is where our homes
become glorified bunkers
made by us to hide
from the rich outside
as they tug on our strings,
on the TV, on the web,
through our phones
and through the paper.
Pin us against each other
so we don't ever meet
all of our makers.
Their news
is your noose,
how you die,
they will choose.
A leash is a leash,
no matter how loose
it's made to seem.

I don't think I feel much attachment
to this world I was born in anymore.
It's not a plea or a desperate attempt
to garner some pointless sympathy.
What good does sympathy do
when anyone loses anything?
What we've lost doesn't come back.
That is not my goal.
In fact, I don't have any goals.
There isn't anything I'm good at
except putting these words down,
expressing how much I hate myself.
That doesn't pay bills,
that doesn't give any relief
to my parents who are sick.
There's no security found in admitting
that I've somehow ****** my life away.
Sure, I'm still alive but in what way?
My heart still beats, I can shout
and my lungs still stretch in and out
but that doesn't accurately determine
someone who's really "alive" to me.
There's always that one headstrong guy
who yells at me to just "go and fix it"
and to quit whining about my life.
News flash, I've already tried.
Let's go back to the beginning.
I don't think I feel much attachment
to this world I was born in anymore.
It's not a plea, a cry or an attempt for help.
I could go tonight or wake up tomorrow
and it wouldn't make a difference to me.
You've already judged me subconsciously
so I'd rather hear it from you directly.
What does all of this say of me?
Don't answer that, I was just kidding.
I've probably already guessed your answer.
You see, I do that daily.
I predict your ****** expressions
and every single word you'll say
before they come out of your mouth.
I don't get closure that way,
I only get it when I post
words that actually
come from my soul.
Some of the poems I post
are complete garbage
but I mean every word
that I've typed today.

Closing off from the world,
I've gotta lock all my doors.
Nothing good has ever come
from agonizing over every second.
The world is only lonely if you admit it.
Out of sight, out of mind, I've been evicted.
I've got no option, that's the hand I'm dealt.
I've put up all of these walls to keep me in
and to keep everybody else out.
I've gotten my hopes up countless times
for so much disappointment.
I think I'm going to embrace this lifestyle,
take a couple steps back into solitude.
The world is only lonely if you admit it.
I listen to that demon on my shoulder
which says it's better if I'm left alone
and I've slowly started to agree.

Mind covered in storm clouds,
heart closed off from everyone.
I don't see in color anymore
that's why I look down to the floor.
All I know is something is wrong
but I won't ever talk about it.
There's a stigma I must avoid,
I won't be viewed with those eyes
that only look with concern and pity.
They always want me to talk about it
when my entire world is shattering
and my being is broken in two.
Some things don't need to be explained
because some things are just plain to see.
When I'm lost inside my own head
the last thing I want to do is spell it out.

We only move on for our own gain,
tossing aside what gets in our way.
No value, no moral holds us back.
We press forward until we
take all that we want.
No stone left unturned,
we'll watch the world burn.
This is a view into our psyche,
flawed actions of a dying breed.
That's the ego, that is human.

How many bad days must it take
until this becomes a bad life?

I'm irate, tired of this place
that I can no longer face.
The bitterness, the distaste,
you amplify it all the way.
I've grown sick of comparisons,
slight jabs at my psyche
and the sarcasm in your voice
when you say you're happy for me.
You think I'm going nowhere
and no you don't need to say it,
I can see that sentiment plastered
all over your face.
You compare me to him and her,
thinking you've made a discovery.
I know you just love to hate me,
you only talk to me out of pity
and you laugh at my expense
every chance that you get.

"If only you were smarter,
if only you really listened
and went down the path
that I organized and pre-planned
then you wouldn't be such a loser
with no goals and no social life.
Your friends have abandoned you
and now you're just left all alone,
without me you'd be dead
but to me you're already dead."

Thanks for the lecture,
you know I just love those.
I love the feeling of your fingers
picking and prodding in my life.
That microscope is built perfectly
for examining everything
that's wrong with me, right?
You only know my name,
you don't known who I am.
You've only seen me in person
but never seen inside my soul.
You keep claiming to help,
that excuse is getting so old.
You talk and you talk
but nothing real comes out
of those lips ready with venom
to pierce through my skin.
I'm fed up with my life
but you're only making it worse,
just spare me the displeasure
of your toxic company.

I want to be truthful to you
but if one day you start
looking right through me
instead of looking at me,
I don't know what I'd do.
I can't take another failed friendship
and I'm not racing into a relationship.

Can I tell you nothing but the truth
or do I have to live with this lie?
Cold, lifeless and grey,
that's what makes up my life
so tell me is it really greener
over on the other side?

Don't sell me a pill
and don't cut me some deal,
don't give me a number
to talk to somebody
who's supposed to fix me.
I won't live like a zombie
and I won't be prisoner
to more than my mind.
I'd rather suffer as who I am
than be happy with who I'm not.

Can I tell you nothing but the truth
or do I have to live with this lie?
Cold, lifeless and grey,
that's what makes up my life
so tell me is it really greener
over on the other side?
Can you handle my truth
or are you more comfortable
with my lie?

I won't show you my demons
if you only shake their hands.
I won't open my mind for you
if you can't open yours in advance.
I can't tell you the truth
if you keep entertaining the lie,
I can't show you the proof
if you turn your back on my life.
Can you handle my truth
or are you more comfortable
with my lie?

Thinking in a bad way,
I'm living my mood.
Locking my doors
and I'm breaking in two.
It never comes easy,
I never get to choose.
It's just another day
living in my youth.

They lie every letter,
inching to my noose.
I'm thinking in a bad way,
I'm living my mood.
I'm stuck in a bad place
and today is the proof.
They say it gets better
but I never pull through.
They say they'll be there
but no they never do.
I'm locking my doors
and I'm breaking in two.
Yeah, I'm seconds away
from making the news
'cause either way
I'm going to lose,
it's just another day
living in my youth
'cause I'm...

Thinking in a bad way,
I'm living my mood.
Locking my doors
and I'm breaking in two.
It never comes easy,
I never get to choose.
It's just another day
living in my youth,
it's just another day
living in my mood.

I always take it there,
going too far off the edge.
I'm currently waiting,
sitting too close to the ledge.
Just a little bit of crazy
and a lot of dysfunction,
found myself more issues
while looking for the solution.
This past year I became self-aware
of just how bad this situation is.
I fall apart and pull myself together
in a repetitive pattern, lasting 24/7.
My heart is just dangling in the distance
and my brain's full of exhaustion.

I could let it all go if it meant
I'd make it to a better place
but there's no guarantee.

There's never a definite beyond death,
so I trade coffin dreams for bed sheets.
Hope tomorrow treats me better
'cause today's been abusive to me.
I could trade everything I've got
for just a semblance of happiness.
I'll swing the balance if it means
I can change this rude reality.
What is a better place?
They always reach it when they die
but who's to say we reach it?

I could let it all go if it meant
I'd make it to a better place
but there's no guarantee.
There's no guarantee I'll get it.

How can I find comfort in today
when these questions don't go away?
There's no guarantee I'll ever find it,
there's no such thing as a definite fix.
If there was, I could confidently give up
and find a better place than this,
a better mental space than what exists.

I always find a way to disappear
because that's what they did to me.
I can't say it's wrong or right
but it's what comes natural to me.

I feel like I should wait around
for things to steadily improve
but it's like I'm waiting for something
that's never going to happen to me.
I wish we could turn back time,
go back to the good old days.
I miss the old me, the happy me.
It makes me so feel empty,
everyday feels like the same day.
It's all difficult to explain so I just stay quiet,
sometimes it's just better to say nothing.
I wanted someone to tell me it's okay
but all I got were a list of letdowns.
I guess expectations break hearts
so I keep everything deep inside.
They say I'm crazy, I reply
"maybe I am."

Enough of the persecution.
Quit applying all of these labels,
stop forming these opinions
just based off of appearance.
Don’t base your respect
off of one’s skin color.
No, there is no gender
that’s more or less worthy
so enough with your ideals
because they’re only damaging
a society already fragile enough,
your discrimination’s damning.
What are your beliefs?
That doesn’t really matter
‘cause if you don’t come with love
then really who is your master?
We all need to regroup
and end this social segregation,
find comfort in our cultures
and let them pull us together.
Things feel so separate, but
that’s not how we should have it.
There’s no opposite push
if you flip the magnet.

There's something
somewhat otherworldly
about a woman's charm.
Each child only delivered
through her perseverance,
born safe from any harm.
There's nothing more tender
than a moment of her embrace,
a smile shines a little brighter
when it comes from her face.
At times it's a unique feeling
that you can't put into words,
one of Earth's greatest works of art
is most certainly what we call "Her".

Wow it's been such a great day,
please ignore everything that I say.
I always say everything's gone gray
and I always hate the way I'm made.
I never make enough on payday
and I always say that it's not okay
but I swear that I'm okay.
Ignore this, just a rough day.
Man, I gotta say
that I really hate that trait.
I never speak up til' it's too late.
That side of me is so fake,
but don't mind me and my self-hate.
Can't turn this around, find a new way,
this side of me would make you break,
so please don't read into what I say
'cause even I hate what I say.

Wow it's been such a good night,
I hate most everything I write.
This shirt sticks to my skin too tight
and it's not making me feel alright.
In my room I keep out all the light
'cause I can't handle when it's too bright.
Meet up with the reaper, I just might
'cause it'll only be a mistake with hindsight.
You don't need to tell me that you're right,
I already know that you're right.
I wear glasses 'cause I lack sight,
if only I had the foresight
then everything would be alright
and I wouldn't ever need to fight
to keep my personality up-right.

I've been left behind by so many
but did they really "miss out" on me?
I can't help but doubt my worth
and undersell all of my qualities
because my weaknesses seem more plentiful.
So many have come and many have gone,
so is it fair to say that they all missed out?

Don't sit there and pretend
that you're here for me now,
you're twenty-three years too late.
You're in one ear and out the other,
where were you when I was drowning?
Massive waves, verbal assaults,
mental games and endless taunts,
all of my patience is now gone.
Your act doesn't hold for long.
It'd be easier for you to just laugh at me
like I know you should be doing now
instead of pretending to be sympathetic.

Without you here I'm empty,
these words are schizophrenic
if nobody is listening.

I remember the day you broke me,
that was just the beginning
of my collapse.
The reason I'm afraid of people,
I jump when I feel their touch.
It reminds me of those times
where you ruined me
and felt nothing while you did it.
You're the reason why
I can't do anything in my life.
You're the reason why
I'm defective, unable to move.
Get your hands off of me and please
just rip your name from my memory.
It's cruel enough that I have to remember
but I couldn't bear it if anyone else found out.
It sickens me to the point of nausea,
I almost can't live with it.
Why did you do this to me?
I feel like I could drown.
After all of these years
I still can't figure it out.

Doing everything I can
to forget about you
and forget about this feeling
I get every time I'm near you,
but still it's not enough.
I'm still getting trapped in this,
caught up inside of your eyes.

Good days so far away,
there's no magic in my eyes anymore.
I miss the cool breeze, I miss simple things,
I miss wondering what I'll do with my life
'cause now I know what I've done with my life
and I'm just not satisfied.
Childish dreams, so unrealistic,
guess I have to give in and admit it.
I went from resenting adults to becoming one,
I went from reaching out to staying inside,
I went from wanting the whole world
and now I just want to be left alone.
Is that too much to ask?
Is this too much?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
concerned about the headlines flooding in.
It's all so timed well, way too well.
I'm sick of hearing all about change
'cause I know that nothing really changes
on this spinning globe we call Earth.
I used to be so positive, I'm a pessimist now
'cause everything can and will get much worse.
I used to wanna get away from my parents
and now I almost worship them in a weird way.
I used to want to be the boss now I hate my boss
and I hate my life 'cause now I'm lost.
I used to stop to grieve about all I lost
now I just shrug like everything is all routine.
I went from wanting everything under the sun
to just wanting enough to survive, reality hurts.
Everything used to click, it used to feel like magic,
now I'm shocked when something goes right.
Good days so far away,
now I know what to expect when I wake up,
just counting down the hours til' I can sleep again
and forget about the stress that comes with waking up.
Can I have that much?

I used to wonder why
we always chase the things
that bring us to early graves.
I used to think about it,
if this life is so precious to us
then why do we race to die?
I think now I realize the answer
despite how morbid it may be,
death is forever and life is short.

Hearing the good
does no good for me
when the negatives
are the only thing I see.
It’s hard to take compliments
when you always disagree.
Don’t give me another title,
I only want to flee.
I'm no role model,
I’ve always been running
with bruises on my soles.
Your warmness and tenderness,
it's contrasting against my coldness
and I'm immensely uncomfortable.
I'm no role model,
I'm just another *******.

I’ve died and came back
at least hundreds of times,
ran out of the right words
and forgot how to rhyme.
If I was given ten cents
each time I was left to die,
I’d have an incredible
amount of dimes.

I’ve changed the locks
on my heart as well as
every single password
you used to get access
to the inside of my head.
I changed everything,
yet still you won’t leave.
I thought I locked you out
yet now I can see it clearly,
you are locked in here with me.

Remember when I
asked you to stay?
Not as just a friend,
but in a closer way?
I wanted to listen to
the sound of your voice
until you found a way
to fill up this void.
Remember when I
asked you to stay?
I never thought
that I'd be alone today.

Just seconds until disaster,
my heart beats even faster.
A million thoughts a minute,
with no signs of the finish line.
The sky is closing in on me
and the world is pouring in,
it's a race to make it out the exit
while not knowing if I have enough time.

Depression
is a great ocean to me
and I'm just a small boat
which is lost at sea.

My eyelids refuse to close,
I lay covered and motionless.
I’m held hostage by a force
that fights off my attempted sleep.
Eyes burning, but still yearning
for just a moment of relief.

Total chaos around me,
land of broken and free.
Terror in the streets but
still we all decide to sing.
Propaganda for the masses,
I hear the sirens scream.
We're getting cuts on the skin
but we've gotten used to the sting.

We're orphans from broken homes,
abusers with tape around the mouth.
The shackles all rattle the same
as the system ignores our doubts.

Millionaires made in mansions
make more money from monopoly.
Con-men dressed as congress
confiscate our wills and our dreams.
We're victims brought to the station
and we're all asked to pick out
the one who's done it to us
but everybody in the line-up
are all equally guilty.

I never meant to be
another trigger for you.
I think I've been desensitized,
it doesn't even cross my mind
that my personality could be
damaging somebody's life.
All I can do is apologize
as this becomes more irreparable,
another story added to
a lifetime of trauma.

Just a drop of water
lands into the pond,
yeah it’ll make a ripple
but it won’t last for long.
It’s like picking one tide
when they all work the same,
it may reach the shore
but it’ll return where it came.

Your eyes are like the day
and my mind's like night.
Your smile pulls me close
my name tears us apart.
Your words heal me
while my hands injure.
You're warm like the summer
and my heart's like the winter.

How did you feel
when you wrecked me?
Do you like what you saw?
The only thing you wanted
was to see the death of me.
Put me six feet under
with an unmarked grave.
There's nothing left of me,
you're every reason why.

So this is how I run
away from the noise
and dodge every question
because I can't make a choice.
I claim there's nothing wrong
with how much I've been wronged,
and I just hide underneath the mess
when I lose my all of my voice.
I always fought for love
while I found hate easily,
depression held me down
when life made me dizzy.
I stopped right in my tracks
at the intersection
and saw headlights coming
from every direction.
It's about time to pick up
all of the pieces again
but every time there's less
left for me to grab in the end
and one day I don't think
there will be anything left
of who I was
before they shaped me
as horribly as I am.
To say this changed me
implies I was something more
than just another nobody
walking down this street
with no one who can relate.
That was the fate I was given,
so don't look me in the eye
when you say I'm forgiven.
I can't forgive anyone,
can't forgive anything,
not even myself.
What can I say?
That's just the hand
that I was dealt.
This is how I run
away from the noise,
I just hide underneath the mess
when I lose my all of my voice.
I don't think I will ever change,
because change requires action
and I can't ever use my will
because somebody broke it.