Sometimes I want to be seen, heard,
witnessed, followed by every word.
Sometimes I want all eyes on me,
feel like what I do means that much.
Sometimes I want my name to have
some type of legendary feel to it.
Sometimes I wish my life had that
hint of "highlight reel" to it,
but it doesn't.

I wish I could make big moves,
raise some eyebrows with my words.
Maybe that's just the ego talking,
'cause honestly I get disappointed when
every moment isn't better than the last.
Sometimes I want to be seen, heard,
witnessed, followed by every word
but other times I don't think
that I'd be able to take it.
You have to be ignored for so long
to truly appreciate the attention.

Empty still, but can't sit still.
Pacing the room just to feel normal,
just to keep myself from going crazy.
I'm blending in with the crowd now
but none of these people know me.
I'm keeping busy, just steadily living,
but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't all alone.

This is a waste of my time,
are we just opposite pieces
trying to connect together?

Today I’m thinking
about someone else,
how they’ve gone far away
and I’m here by myself.
Maybe I just miss feeling
someone else’s body heat,
but a hug right now
would be good for me.

Some of the world’s greatest people
were great because they were different,
but I feel alienated because of my difference,
I don’t feel great at all.

Today might be the day
that I succumb to the pain
or the day where I start to feel
as if there's some point for my life,
like there's an exit in this room
with no windows or no doors.
Today might be the day
where everything changes,
I just don't know when
and I won't know how.

How can such a beautiful face
have such an ugly soul?

No, I don't fall in love
'cause I don't wanna fall.
Yeah, I mute my phone
'cause I don't want a call.
You say so little, yet you think
that you're a know-it-all.
I won't fall in love
'cause I can't give my all.
I can't move on in life
'cause now I always stall.
I'm a human being, yet
you treat me like a doll.
I try to act so cool, but
I've got no life at all.
I won't fall in love 'cause
that means I've gotta fall.

I imagine a light
traveling through a crowd,
on it's way into nothing.
That's what
passing will be like.

no way
here i go again,
i’m giving it up.
i had the same dream
of you spinning around,
dancing in the living room.
i’m feeling out of season,
proof that i’m so out of pace.
moving so often because
i feel so out of place.
you’re so expensive and
these days i feel off-brand.
it might hit me soon that
i might be the one who
needs some change.
soon enough
this room will be empty
and i’ll still be looking
for your familiar face.
i’ll still be stuck in place
while the world is
treating you.

Oh she sleeps around
just to feel something
and he only feels her
when she’s wearing nothing.
Oh she sleeps around
‘cause she feels nothing
so the dress falls down
when he’s asking for it.
They remember
all the nights,
stashing the guilt away
waking up for the day.
Can’t remember
who turned off the lights
but still they both got
into that same bed,
under those same sheets,
thinking the same things,
no future and no rings,
something “for now”.
Forget the world
we’re living to die in.
Close your eyes
and dive in.
Oh she sleeps around
just to feel something
and he only feels her
when she’s wearing nothing.
Oh she sleeps around
‘cause she feels nothing,
now the cigarette’s burned out
and it’s time to leave.

Your smile is bright,
your eyes are brighter,
almost blinding me when
I pay them close attention.
I will not write you a love poem.
Your heart is giving and
you expect next to nothing.
The words you choose
are always the right ones.
I will not write you a love poem.
Your presence fills the room,
I love everything about you
but I will not write you a love poem.

Shaky hands,
freezing room.
Thinking thoughts,
impending doom.
It is all
happening soon.
It is all
happening.

Burning,
yearning,
earning
every twinge of pain
that runs down my back.
Getting cursed and cursing,
forgetting what I'm learning.
Nothing is changing despite
all these pages I'm turning.

I feel it,
I feel like this.

Lost in the crowd,
sometimes surrounded
but feeling isolated.
Thinking thoughts
while not knowing
what they're thinking.
Their voices scare me, but
their eyes scare me more.
Eyes speak
quicker than the mouth
so when they stare at me,
I start to assume
what they're thinking.
It's scary, I am barely
holding it all together.
I am feeling like this.

I know you
can feel it in your sleep,
all the things, all the people
you'd rather forget.
Know that I can do
all of the hating for you,
so you can sleep a little longer.
Just to be at peace, it seems
we give up almost everything.

I'm so bad at getting with the vibe,
so please forgive the intrusion.
I recognized your sigh
that came from your shoulders
and escaped just past your lips.
It's like a language
I've known from birth,
feeling like we're tired of it all.

Your look says it all,
I don't need a word.
A feeling described,
I can feel the hurt.
You don't want my thoughts,
I know you just need a hug
that has no other meaning.
No, I don't need a word.

To go back
to how things used to be,
I'd turn the earth
back a mile for you.

Life goes on regardless of who leaves.
I've given up on self-importance,
learned time doesn't revolve around me.
I can't find the exact words most nights
so I have to settle for the first ones I find
to ensure I'm not forgotten in the silence.

Sorry, I'm so sorry
I got so good at this.
Words are all in my blood
and I let it rain, rain, rain.
They called me a monster
'cause I am the way I am.
I just stash away the pain
and watch the rain, rain, rain.

I tried to get with the spirit,
smells too teenage for my tastes.
I only do this for myself,
these words ain't for your waste.
Can't imagine it any other way,
your look of disappointment
and all my self-awareness.
You called it smug,
but I can't get enough of it.

Sorry, I'm really sorry
that you can't relate.
Talking over me every day,
but only I can hear my brain.
You think you know it all,
but you can't keep up at all.
I can't get enough of that,
no I can't get enough of it.

She came and she stayed
then she went far away.
I can't remember the day
that thought really hit me.
Kind-of got with the pattern,
now it's just a flavor of the week.

Sorry, I'm so sorry
I got so good at this.
Words are all in my blood
and I let it rain, rain, rain.
They called me a monster
'cause I'm the way that I am.
I just stash away the pain
and watch the rain, rain, rain.
So if you see a new stain on me
just know it rained, rained, rained.
And if you read another word,
remember all the rain, rain, rain.

We're all dogs
just measuring
the size of our leash,
barking to no avail.
Hungry, we're starving
for the moment they
drop crumbs in our pail.
We're all troubled,
but we don't talk about it.
Only speak when spoken to
'cause conditioned dogs
have no choice but to sit.

Aiming high
like a skipping stone
reaching the other side
of this infinite ocean,
what an impossible prize.
I'll say this while I can say it,
I've looked into ocean eyes
of many beautiful girls
but like staring into the sun,
it’s only ever gotten me hurt.
I said the dream is dead,
yet I still find a way to fantasize
about the day "me" becomes "we".
What an impossible prize.

Are you not entertained?
You give me not much to look for,
vague replies and casual glances.
Does that mean that you see me as a stranger?
My heart is hollow and I'm numb to most
but that idea hurts me in ways I can't explain,
to think I did this all for nothing.

You're dazzling and calm,
yet bursting with passion.
Yes, you carry fiery stares
that would cut through me.
So elegant and poised
in everything you do
and I can't help but feel
inadequate compared to you.

Be scared, be bound
by current breaking news.
I can’t tell if the reporters
are ever honest authors.
They see profit,
they see dollars
as they craft the headline.
Let’s forget basic dignity,
just meet the deadline.
I think now I know why
they call themselves anchors
‘cause all they ever do
is weigh us all down.

It makes me sad
how afraid she can be
without her makeup.

It makes me sad
how she worries
about her weight
before she ever
sees her worth.

It makes me sad
how she's given up
on the idea of love.

It makes me sad
how she looks
over her shoulder
when walking alone
to her car.

It makes me sad
how I can't fully understand
what some of these things
really feel like.

Sometimes your body
will give up like your mind does
and you can't move a muscle.

Sometimes I hate the whole world
and sometimes I hate myself more.
Sometimes I curse those who curse me
and sometimes I curse my own mouth
for playing along with this sick game.
This pathetic, terrible game.
Even when deep down I know
poison only spreads when you let it.

Poison only spreads when you let it.
You've gotta clean out the cuts
before they become infected.
Cut off the circulation,
before it spreads any farther.
Poison only spreads when you let it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm better off dead,
but sometimes I wanna **** off any thought
that tries to get in my way
as I'm figuring things out.
I'm wringing out my clothes
after they rained on my parade,
but sometimes I'm feeling A-OK.
It will only hurt for a little while,
so I can't let it swallow me whole.
Yeah, deep down I know that
poison only spreads when you let it.

Forgiveness
is so much harder
when you’d rather
attend the funeral
you prepared for them
deep inside your head.

She just wanted a little peace,
to feel safe in her own skin.
Never did her attire matter,
there's no justification whatsoever.
The scariest people alive will
find sense in senselessness.
Some of the greatest evils
will continue clawing away
at a girl's innocence
while so many people
will turn a blind eye and
open another book of excuses.
I'm disgusted at the idea of her saying
that she's not safe in her own skin.

And just like
another door slamming shut,
I closed my heart to the world.

The entire world
is right before my eyes,
all the negativity I carry with me
is contrasting everything that could be.
When I hold my hands to the reflection
it's almost like I can feel fate's warmth
heat my shaking, frozen hands.
I can see it so clearly
yet it seems like a distant land,
it's almost like a different universe.
The gateway to my future
is the mirror to the soul.

If I've never truly spoken,
then did I ever really exist?

the hands
     on my clock
        stopped moving
                 a long time ago.

it seems i
   have forgotten
         how much time
              has passed me by.

If I loaded my bullets,
went to war with who wants it,
would that truly solve anything?
I need to take some pages out of my book
and I need to stop stealing from yours.
I need to take more pages from my book
and stop stealing from yours.
Anger breeds anger
and I'm no stranger to the concept.
I need to ignore what I hate the most
because toxicity's most infectious.
I need to get out of these circles
'cause that's when I'm most reckless.
I gave too much of myself
to moments that didn't deserve it.
I let you take enough of myself
to make me think I deserved it.
All this pain that I felt,
my depression just worsened.
I gave my heart out too much,
I never thought to conserve it.

Most of my life
I was angry at the world
and at this point in my life
I'm only angry with myself.
Most of my life
I wanted them to understand
but at this point in my life
I want to keep my energy to myself.

If you were here right now,
I'd probably never let you go.
I'd tell you how it feels.
Know there's a feeling of loss,
there's a feeling of emptiness
that comes from every goodbye.
I know yours was your last.

You have no idea,
no, you have no clue.
In that moment of desperation,
we all have to choose.
When it all falls apart
we have to choose to live.
Yes, it's a choice.

It was such an awful, rainy day
when you were stolen from us.
It was after that fateful day
that I lost the ability to trust.
I can never forget that feeling
sinking deep into my chest.
It was the moment in time we knew
that you took that last journey.

You have no idea,
no, you have no clue.
In that moment of desperation,
we all have to choose.
When it all falls apart
we have to choose to live.
It's all a choice.
It's always a choice.

If I could devour that feeling
that plagued you into your bed,
if I could rip that thought apart
as it relentlessly entered your head,
I know I would've.
But you will never know.

In my thoughts of denial,
your death is spiraling.
Goodbyes can be final,
but closure will never be.
Goodbyes can be final,
but closure will never be.

I will never know
what you would have grown into
and that destroys me to no end.

Goodbyes can be final,
but closure will never be.
Goodbyes can be final,
but closure will never be.
You have no idea,
no, you have no clue.
Goodbyes can be final,
but closure will never be.
Goodbyes can be final,
but closure will never be.
In that moment of desperation,
we all have to choose.
It's all a choice.
It's always a choice.

caught in my cloud,
i look down from the sky.
everybody looks so busy,
another lonely night.
the sun leaves me behind
while stealing all of the light.
in the freezing drift of the breeze,
i can only shiver as i question why.

these are the quiet hours,
these are the bitter hours,
these are the silent hours,
these are the withered hours.
pacing back and forth
with my eyes on the clock,
that's just another moment of waste
in this infinite transitional period of mine.

while everybody's
getting on with their lives,
i'm frozen in place,
mine's stuck in a pause.
in this environment of competition,
my legs refuse to run in the race.
do or die is the phrase that i fear,
because what happens to me
when the butterflies
make a home inside of my gut?
i'll get comfortable in "good enough"
and dig myself deep inside of a rut.
i'll settle for mediocrity
because it's better than failure
and being told that no matter what i do
that i've inexplicably been looked over.

these are the quiet hours,
these are the bitter hours,
these are the silent hours,
these are the withered hours.
how much time has passed by?
can't even bother to look anymore
at the clock without any hands
because i broke them off all by myself.

i wish i could
be that happy person
who always knows
exactly what to do,
but to be honest
i haven’t been able
to make a right choice
for quite some time.
i stand on top of
a mountain of mistakes,
built up so high that
nobody can see me
and i’m too afraid
to climb down.
i wish i could
always find the smile
you want to see on me
but the one that comes out
feels so incredibly forced.
i can’t lie anymore.

This world
has already
taken my eyes,
taken my heart
and taken my mind.
It might as well
take my life
while it’s at it.

Everything's quiet,
not hearing any sounds.
Nobody's loitering,
no moving of mouths.
Now I feel nothing,
if that's a feeling.
Think I'm at peace.

Yeah,
everything
everything
everything
everything's
still­.
When it's my time to go,
just know I will.

Not a hint of war here,
nothing close to conflict.
My perception of life isn't negative,
it's just been a little fixed.
If I could have anything,
if I could have one wish,
I'd gladly take my leave
to give you all some bliss.
I've done it all,
seen what I need to.
I know someday soon I'll go.
Maybe I've just seen enough,
never really had it easy.
Living and breathing, for me,
has never felt natural.

Yeah,
everything
everything
everything
everything's
sti­ll.
When it's my time to go,
just know I will.
Yeah,
everything
everything
everything
everything's
still.
­When I have
nothing left of me to lose,
I'll only have time to ****.

I saw
your pictures on social media,
and I saw I was missing.
I wish I could've been there,
but lately
I've been a little distant.
There's so many things I missed
but I feel like I don't belong in it.
I'd much rather pity myself in solace,
alone in the darkness.
Maybe I should go
give myself to the world
rather than be it's martyr
and maybe I should
just pull away the curtains
and go make some friends.
If only everybody followed
all that good advice.

Yeah,
everything
everything
everything
everything's
stil­l.
When it's my time to go,
just know I will.
Yeah,
everything
everything
everything
everything's
still.
­When I have
nothing left of me to lose,
I'll only have time to ****.

I've only got time to ****.

"Do you wanna make it big?
Well kid, you better be
open for plenty of advice.
Do you wanna feel alive?
Well I hope you know this,
you better be ready to die.

Listen to their words,
just bathe in their words,
until you feel it killing you.
Listen to your hurt
and bathe in the hurt,
wow you're making a killing now.

Keep looking in that mirror
until you can't recognize yourself.
Keep building up that house
until you're living in your own hell.
It stands on top of a hill
that no soul could ever reach,
it's a place where we will never meet.

Agonize about it, you fool.
Please be honest with me,
you've got nothing better to do.
Realize the trick in this,
you need to look cool.
If you wanted her attention,
maybe give her what she wants.

I know you're staring at that mirror,
wondering what needs to change
but you won't get nowhere until
you can't tell who's looking back at you.

Keep looking in that mirror
until you can't recognize yourself.
Keep building up that house
until you're living in your own hell.
It stands on top of a hill
that no soul could ever reach,
it's a place where we will never meet.

Heaven's just an ideal away,
popularity's hidden behind a trend.
Just pull off the curtains already,
show the world what you've been building.
You won't do it, will you?
But still you'll scroll away on social media."

you can be
living a comfortable life
and still there will be
something in your head
that finds a way to ruin it all.
you can seemingly have it all
and feel like you accomplished nothing.
honestly, i feel spoiled
for finding a reason to complain.
spiraling out of control,
i can do nothing but watch
as i dig myself a deeper hole.
one day i'll simply lay down and die in it.
why not tonight?

I've been feeling kind-of empty,
sorry I don't talk about it.
Nobody will listen long enough
because I avoid the buzz-words.
"Depression" or "sad" don't cut it,
I'm more so "not feeling good".
It's the perfect term to avoid concern,
it's not an instant death, it's a slow burn.

I've been empty.

So many thoughts swirling around,
sometimes I get dizzy from thought.
Angry, or paralyzed with feelings
strong enough to make me
want to end it all.
There was no "one" point it began,
it probably existed my whole life
but it only became apparent
during the most antisocial point of my life.

I feel a little "different" today.

I know I've done things I can't take back,
I know I've hurt people
and they'll never see me the same again
so I crawl deeper into myself
and avoid the big crowds.
No, I don't need a friend right now.

I've been staring at the end,
wondering what's left to do in this life.
I detached myself from anything
that brought me pain and now
I'm left with no emotions
to match the view I currently have.
I am empty.

I don't know how to fix it.

Silence is a terrible curse
so if you have someone
that is close enough to you,
open your mouth and speak.
If you’re wary of making noise
or you’re simply full of fear,
keep opening your mouth
until the words finally come out.
Life is too long
to never make any waves.
Make beautiful noise.

I pressed the phone
so close to my ear
but all I hear is
the dial tone.

Everyone I knew went away,
some in a day and some in a year.
I think my spirit made them go,
slowly it grew itself into a fear.
Something about me has
always seemed unpleasant.
Self deprecation
has always been relatable,
but I think I hate myself
more than you hate you.
I think I hate myself
more than you hate yourself.
Still I'd like to know
what you think of me,
even if it won't ever matter
'cause everyone I knew went away,
some in a day and some in a year.
I think my spirit made them go,
slowly I developed a fear.

I've written a lot of bad poetry
and made a few that I liked,
but I thank you all for being
a part of my life.

I lost the formula.

Forgot how to speak,
this is not your kind of love.
Spilled my guts in the kitchen sink,
this is not an ideal kind of low.
Usually the words leave me,
disgusted by my use of them,
but tonight they hug close to me,
I think I’ve fallen in love
with what I digest.

My heart attacks.

This is not your kind of spectacle,
got my devil stuck on speed dial.
His head has no face, face,
but don’t stare too long.
Don’t call him by name.
There is nothing inside myself
because now my heart attacks.

My heart attacks.
My heart attacks.

Attach the strings, test the waters,
see what you can do with me now.
Yes I’ll obey, but I won’t bow.
Break both my legs
just to bring me down
back to the floor,
back to the mud
where I came from.

Fluid around my heart,
but I’m hungry for more.
Still I want some more.
Fluid around my heart,
but I’m just
living,
breathing,
dying for more.

My heart attacks,
my heart attacks,
my heart attacks,
my heart attracts
death to my doorstep.

There is no formula,
nothing makes sense anymore.
There is no order,
I just indulge as much as I can.
My mind is pure chaos,
so don’t believe what I say.
I’m just going through the motions,

You reach your arms
into my chest
and you grip my heart
tightly with both hands.
How am I supposed to feel?
Should I be crying?
Will things ever change?
Maybe this is the first time
somebody’s given me a hug
that meant something.
I can’t comprehend
anything beyond my own body
so maybe this is why
my heart instinctively attacks.
It’s like a wild animal
cornered by humans.
It’s like an alien
with no way back home.
Maybe I’m the one at fault.

I been under fire
for all of my life
I been out lookin'
for my revenge
since I was five.
They got me down,
under the syringe.
Bunch of this stuff,
bunch of these stories
I'll never tell,
maybe I'm living,
maybe I'm dead,
maybe I'm both,
I cannot tell.
I cannot tell.
I cannot tell.
How far have I fell?
Will the words sell?
Will I give hell?
Will I get hell?
It's in my cells,
felt my heart swell.
Wanna exist, that's why I yell,
tired of wishing, wish on the well.
tired of seeing, tired of leaving,
tired of living, tired of believing.
Can't you all tell? Can't you all tell?
Can't you all tell? I know I can tell.
Y'all told me to dream,
this ain't what it seems,
know what I mean?
My skin, it'll scream
but I blend
right in the scene.
It's all in the means,
all in the means.
Tired of rhyming, blowin' off steam.
Not making sense, not making cents,
feel I got a dent inside of my head.
Maybe I'm right, I'm better off dead.

Don't you tune in
to the tune-up,
know they will try
to pump me all up
full of the drugs.
Say if I don't
I'll never love,
so I spill all my guts,
saying too much.
They get what they need
to fill me all up
but I wanna get out
quicker than I came,
they say they got help
but this ain't the same.
Yeah, it's all like a game
and I'm in their range,
I'm being too strange,
I'm being too lame,
can't stay in my lane,
I've been swerving lanes,
fear in my veins.
Look at the stains
all in my past,
look at the marks
all on my back,
devil's been clawing,
hoping I relapse,
fall off the track,
burn all my plagues,
take it all back
to the first day
I lit the match
took it to my life,
to all of the facts,
believed in a lie
so I get what I get,
feel I'm ready to die.
I been under fire
for all of my life
I been out lookin'
for my revenge
since I was five.
They got me down,
under the syringe.
Bunch of this stuff,
bunch of these stories
I'll never tell,
maybe I'm living,
maybe I'm dead,
maybe I'm both,
I cannot tell.

I hurt myself today,
verbal assaults and thoughts
of grabbing that knife.
Stumbling and struggling
through all of the strife.
With this sense of loss,
I question tackling tomorrow.
I take a deep breath
and soon I'll swallow
just to slap my face twice
and go to sleep.
When I was little I cried so much,
now there's no more tears to weep.
They say "find some soul within you",
but my ravine is empty.
I've seen many marathon runners
but my steps feel like leaps.
You all are bright like flowers,
I show my age like an overgrown tree.
Every word you speak
feels like another novel,
everything I speak
always seems so awful.
When I jot in my notepad
I always say the same things,
trying to keep it cool
but inside I am scathing.
If I ever spoke up,
I know you'd probably hate me.
I don't need therapy,
I need something to save me.
I've talked with myself
long enough about these demons,
and the only conclusion I reach
is that nothing is changing.
So please can you tell me
how does a cycle end?

If anything,
I’m thankful for
the opportunity.

What to do? What to say?
Same headlines, different day
but I'm having a lot of trouble
reading the teleprompter today.
Give me the cue, now.
What should I say next?
Ignore what's going on
and forget who did it.
Tell me how to feel,
charge me for pills to heal.
Just drown my face in the screen
and meet my daily dose of caffeine.
Everybody's got a dream,
but I wonder why
it's always called a "dream".

I cannot hear cries of whistle-blowers
because these earplugs are all the rage.
The contents of this sentence mean nothing
because we've all moved on to the next page.
Sell me a pretty new idea
like a ******* sells their body.
I think I allowed you to seal my fate
when I gave you the keys to my safe.
Enjoy the high, grip the moment
and face consequence at a later date.
Still I wonder why they
always call it a "dream".
I'm having a lot of trouble
reading the teleprompter today.
Give me the cue, now.
Tell me what I should say next.
Just ignore what's going on
and forget who did it.

There’s much strength
in firm, solid ground
yet I’m still obsessed
with having my head
deep in the clouds.
We all start to fall when we
get hungover from the high.
We forget how to be humble
when we get a taste of the sky.