Any love I've ever found has escaped, like I captured it against its will
Only wanting me when you're drunk
Only wanting me when it's night
Only wanting me because I'm close
Only wanting me because you thought I was something else

Never enough. Not yet. I know I'm more than this but somehow my feelings just keep getting twisted and stepped on and it's making me feel bad
It's making me feel bad
It's hurting me now

I really loved you
I really tried
The same lips you kissed me with
Told me goodbye

Running through your mind
I'm not just one of them
Not that I mind
But we are more than that

Forever you will be etched into my mind
I'll remember the mistake we made
And how many more mistakes I wanted to make with you

But there's things in the way, my pride, your pride, our pride
In a perfect world I would explore you
You would be the world I would spend my entire life experiencing

But we are too different
The timing is wrong
It always is
I know you understand
No matter what we will always love each other

And your mom will always ask about me

And I'll always end up thinking about you

I'll even wonder how you're doing
When I'm pregnant and marrying my love

You'll always be special
You were always kind
I will always love you
You will always be mine
I will always be yours

Soul mates in a different sense
A sense of completion
Not always romantic
But two birds of a feather

A beautiful feather
A beautiful bird
A beautiful love, soaring above them all

It's so hard not to equate my worth with my beauty
I wish I could rip off my skin and my bones and muscles so that the only thing left was my brain
My thoughts
My love
My spirit
I hope we end up like that somehow in the end...***** of energy that emulate our spirit
The way we saw the world
The way we tried

I feel like I'm wasting time
Being sad over things I know aren't tangible and connected to my worth
It's so hard to separate my brain from what I was brought up to believe
I've learned that if my stomach is flat enough and skin is clear enough that everyone will like me

(They will. It's true.) Everyone falls in love with a beautiful person a little bit
As if they did something to deserve or create their physical appearance
The only thing that happened to create them is animalistic

We are all animals in the end
Reduced to dust, funneled through plants, eaten by animals, who are eaten by something bigger
A vicious cycle of death and rebirth
There is nothing left for us. Our minds have created a world soft enough to tread through; protected by gods and love and kindness

If you're really a nice person, you'll be rewarded
There is no reward. There is no secret. We are all here to exist and make the most of it
I'm not making the most of it. I'm sitting and dealing with oth(my)ers expectations
I'm going through stress to make my life harder
For what?
Acceptance? To get along with other animals?
We all start, act, and end the same; as animals.

I overheat because my thoughts are running fast in my mind
I turn on the air to cool me down but my dreamcatcher blows in its wind
It blows my nightmares so that I can only catch glimpses when I wake
But the feeling of it lingers
I can't remember though
It's like my body defends itself against the bad feelings

Why is my brain blocking things that it made itself
Why am I attacking my own thoughts
Why am I thinking

Why is my brain parasitic
Why does my saliva taste acidic
Why did we evolve to feel this strangely
God wouldn't do this to me

His ancient grip on women is ignored by modern ones
The tighter he squeezes, the more life is drained out of us
Why are humans so violent
Why are we so parasitic
Why does my saliva taste acidic
Why did we evolve to feel this strangely
God wouldn't do this to me

It bothers me when movies are too loud
Or when I see people that look like my past in a crowd
Or when you get too drunk to walk
And I pray that when you say you can't talk,
It's not because a man is taking what's yours.
It bothers me that you aren't healthy and I worry
It bothers me that worry and sorry don't rhyme bc they're so similar in my mind but come out wrong when I try to convey them

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because good things happen to the bad.
But growth has brainwashed our society to be so positive that only a Holy Ghost could evoke such renewed strength

I guess I'm not rich enough to know that heavens gates are gold
But I'd like to think heaven is somewhere between cotton candy clouds and your arms wrapped around my soul

I understand that never wanting to be without somebody is love.

Laying my head down on your chest felt like the sun was warming my soul. Your heartbeat gave me so much life that I couldn't imagine the day I couldn't hear it anymore.

Crowds bother me. because I imagine the day you're not here and I hear someone whisper my name with your voice

And I turn around

And the only thing there is the thousands of people surrounding me.


And none of them are you.

How do I fix this
Maybe a tattoo, or two?
Maybe another drink
Or a cigarette from the corner store

I'll have them etch the art into my canvas
Hoping that will keep me sane for awhile
Help me bleed when my blood is thin
Help me forgive the sins they say I have

Surrounded by toxicity
So I find other ways to let it enter me
Maybe if I can handle it in other forms
The current ones won't destroy me

mourning a loss
that came before me
Is an invisible burden
I try to forget