Start with the unknown,
A first time at something new.
One little taste won't matter.

Will it?

One time.
Just a try,
Just because she has a craving
For something
To preoccupy her mind.

What's the harm in that?

Months later,
Habits are clear.
Ribs show.
Pills spill across the counter.
Cuts etch sorrow into her skin.
Music screams about someone else's problems,
As she tries to forget her own.

She can no longer help herself.
She can no longer stop.

When did 'just one time'
Become every day?
When did 'just wanting to try'
Become a routine part of her life?

Years later,
Problems still haven't stopped.
In fact,
They've only escalated.

Arguments seep through a cracked door,
Louder than ever.
Taunts still echo in her head,
Stronger than ever.

Clothes still don't seem to fit.
Once too tight, now too baggy.
Stress still pounds at the door.
Once too much,

Still too much.

No music is loud enough
To drown out all the shouts.
No drug is strong enough
To take away all the pain.
No pang of hunger is depriving enough
To satiate her dissatisfaction.
No cut is deep enough
To carve out the problems
That envelope her life.

So tangled up in distraction,
So distracted from her problems,
That it was too late.

Her 'just one time' decision
Has become a fixation.

*An addiction.

Wandering through silence,
I'm guided by your voice,
Leading me nowhere
As if I've a choice.

I'm drawn to your presence,
Your effortless smile,
Your bubbling laughter,
And enchanting guile.

We talk on and on,
Through the dark til dawn's break.
A fairytale so real,
Now so blatantly fake.

I eagerly follow
Your mellifluous lies
Of halcyon days,
A promising guise.

Now, though you're gone,
And you've drawn the line.
I still feel your hand
Entwined with mine.

I still hear your whisper,
See your goofy expressions.
My heart's still in your hands,
Such a foolish confession.

Because, don't you see?
I would say, "I love you",
If you hadn't turned
And gone to someone new.

Falling
for the way you make me feel
for your contagious grin
and the way your presence lights up the room.

Laughing
over the most ridiculous things
over our sing-song rapping
and the absurdity of life.

Wishing
that you would take my hand
that you would kiss my lips
and hold me close.

Watching
as you entered bliss
as you held her gaze
and you fell for her.

Missing
how it felt to be with you
how your touch lingered on my skin
and your voice echoed in my ears.

At 8AM
Their voices rise
Angry statements
No surprise

By 9
Their shouts seep under doors
Revealed to all
Through vibrating floors

At 12
Mom comes down the stairs
"I'm going out."
We all just stare

'Cause though she smiles
Her eyes vacant
And the makeup she wears
Can't hide her hatred

Her eyes swollen red
Tears streak her face
As she puts on her heels
And tries leaving with grace

The house is silent
No one voices concern
We all know she'll be back
It's just something we've learned

By 7
She's back pretending all's well
Setting plates out for dinner
For an unspoken hell

By 8PM
The silence grows
No one speaks up
And they throw silent blows

Which turn into doors
Slamming shut as plates fall
Accusations now flying
Forming a verbal squall

"How could you do this?"
"Well it's your fault, not mine!"
"I'M NOT TO BLAME."
A common tag line

Above all, I hear
"I have expectations of you!"
Looking down, I whisper
"I have expectations too."

To faded hugs
Worn and frayed over time
To the smiles and laughter
Lost in years gone by

To pinky promises
Vowing a friendship forever
I realize now
There are some storms we can't weather

To that mischievous grin
That melted my heart
The one that I'll miss
As we spend time apart

To the effortless love
I still feel when we touch
To the one-sided lust
That became all too much

To the memories growing fonder
More contrived and cliché
To the determination I have
Claiming we'd be okay

For years this has been
An intense tug-of-war
With our hearts on the line
I can't take anymore

So goodbye to you
And the road that we've paved
I'll forever cherish
The memories we've made

In your eyes,

     it doesn't matter who I am.
          who I think I am.
               who the world thinks I am.

All you see is who you think I am.

A blundering fool
     constantly failing to meet expectations.
An incompetent child
          perpetually running in circles.
An insolent girl
               who is bound to crash and burn.

But you know what?
     Think what you'd like.
          I'm done trying to be the person you're looking for.



                                                         ­                                     Or so I tell myself.

8-years-old, he comes alone
Bruised and battered to a broken home
Tears in his eyes that he won't let out
Because his father once said life's nothing to cry about
For years, he had a bulls-eye pinned to his back
He was nothing but the target of taunts and attacks
He didn't feel love, just punches and shoves
Once, he'd tried praying for help from above
Sometimes he called the lockers he's shoved into, home
Now laying, ice cold, his parents insist they had never known
Because as he got older, he learned how to hide the scars
Learned to smile even while he felt caged behind bars
Growing up, his mom said kisses would make it all better
Now all that's left of him is a body and a letter

Only 15, nowhere near an adult
How could they ever think she could handle the insults
Staring at her emaciated body, all she saw was fat
It's what the media told her: short, ugly, a brat
She let boys take advantage; they'd said it'd make her feel better
Their hands rubbing the skin and bones beneath her sweater
Until no one would touch her, too brittle to break
No one wanted to **** her, to make that mistake
But to her, losing touch meant she was no longer wanted
A feeling that left her cadaverous body empty and haunted
No one stopped her, they looked on as she stopped taking bites
They just watched as she gave up the will to fight

Kisses can only help for so long
But there comes a point where we can no longer be strong

When people you know become people you knew,
When friends become strangers you just can't get through to.
Change happens so quickly as time rushes past,
You can try all you want, but close ties just won't last.

The crooked smile you once sought can't be found,
In its place a cold, deep, unfamiliar frown.
This path that I take, it's all on my own,
There's no trace of the warm house I'd once called a home.

I try to let go, escape old memories with age,
But the harder I try, the tighter the cage.
Memories once false, now memories true.
Rosy retrospection, now splotches of blue.

The pleasant memories, once neat and pristine,
Full of pastel colors: pinks, yellows and greens,
Now sneer scathingly, they're superficial and fake.
The past, once so beautiful, now a giant mistake.

I sat at my desk, poised.
Calculated.
Pencil in hand, I wrote
each line slow and straight
so that the page would be a page of print
marks of lead so mechanical that the answers had to be right.
I sigh.
Anxious.
In my little town,
my small world was everything.
It was massive and impressive.
Daunting. Terrifying.
Each little breeze would pick me up
and throw me across the room,
leaving me winded.
Breathless.

Now I sit on the couch,
leaning my head against his shoulder.
My words are a scrawl,
a scribbled mix of loopy cursive and hurried print
racing across a notebook
crookedly propped on my knee.
I sigh.
Content.
The city rises and falls,
the steady thump of my heart.
Silent and small in comparison to the rambunctious world
swirling in circles
over and over again.
It is bustling and unnerving.
Promising. Intoxicating.
The papers beneath me flutter as the wind picks up,
but I stand my ground.
Afraid.
But undeterred.

What do you do when you wake from your sleep?
Do you mumble and grumble, or not make a peep?
Do you throw your covers overhead, escaping all time
To return to your sweet dreams, where nothing will bind?

When the day dawns and work needs to be done,
Sometimes we can't help but just want to run
From the stresses of life as they beat and they batter,
As they wait at your door, their knocks getting louder.

Some people frown; they groan and they pout,
Others, unfazed, just dawdle about.
There are people who jump up to greet the day,
While others, brows furrowed, shake their heads in dismay.

When I wake, I don't toss and turn.
I don't frown, although there's something I yearn.
Each day now, I wake with a smile on my face,
For my mind thinks only of our fingers, enlaced.

And the comfort I feel, wrapped tight in your arms,
Keeping me safe, guarding me from all harm.
The thought of your voice, soft in my ear,
Leaves my mind muddled yet simultaneously clear.

Unparalleled beauty,
a reflection in the mirror.
To the world's inattentive eye,
it couldn't be clearer.
Smiling, she shone,
her appearance alluring.
At first glance, she was gorgeous,
beauty only maturing.
A mirror, she was used
by others, free and unfettered.
As they primped and they powdered,
flipped their hair, fixed their sweaters.

Whitewashed into a white bread world,
the masquerade was what mattered,
the layers of paint covering the cracks,
not the disheartened soul, broken and battered.

She reflected the world's superficial dream,
hiding the emotional menagerie.

Not a girl; she never spoke,
A fragile mirror,
she didn't bend, she broke.

The world's superficial abuse
made insecure cracks become fissures.
Distorted lines marring her figure.

Smiles became sneers
pitifully given by peers.

Taunts left her shattered.

Jagged shards.

Scattered.

You

Don't feel a thing
While curtains are drawn
You're just pulling strings

You're making them fight
Scratch scream and cry
Fighting for life
Saying goodbye

You're forcing them
To cut all their ties
Tearing the hem
Of all of their lives

You're forming lies
And placing the blame
Claiming they're allies
Not puppets to tame

But now there's a twist
You had a role
Rumors amidst
All out of control

Everyone knows
Someone's losing their touch
Things that were simple
Now all way too much

I don't know if you see
Or can even guess who
You might think it's me
But really

It's you.

Suppose time was endless
A never ending cycle
In which we lived the same moments
Over and over again

Unconsciously

My mind wanders
To your watchful eyes
Staring into mine

Endlessly

Your thumb traces circles
A tingling caress
And our fingers intertwine

Tenderly

I feel your shoulder
Strong and unyielding
Press against mine

Softly

You whisper
Your words floating in the silence

"It's okay."

To let the tears trail down my cheeks
Each streak leaving me more and more vulnerable to you

"It's okay."

To find comfort in your touch
And discover solace in your presence

"It's okay."

To fall in love with everything about you
And relive each moment together

As though time was endless.

Stay on your toes
or fall to the ground.
The audience watching
won't make a sound.

No one will help you,
broken limbs on the floor.
Silent pleas screaming
for a painless escape.

You can jump at the walls,
try to claw your way out,
but animal instincts
won't prevail in this cage.

My mind's growing numb,
I just grow through the motions.
Let the seconds tick by
as I wait for the moment

*meant for me to die.

Your eyes meet mine
Piercing, I'm
Caught unaware
Scared, unprepared

Your stare leaves me naked
I can no longer fake it
I'm so confused and unsure
Hesitant, wanting more

Your hands trail slowly
I'm losing all control of me
Intimate, scorching heat
My heart can't help but skip a beat

Your fingers tracing down my spine
Makes me think we've nothing but time
Their path is leisurely, unhurried
Winding, arching, and unworried

Silence falls, cheeks flushed red
Leaning in, I press my head
Soothingly, against your chest
Hearing each and every breath

You inhale deep
Open your mouth to speak
At a loss for words
All unsaid is heard

Catch his eye.
Blink twice.
Smile coyly.
As he heads towards you, turn your head.
Walk away.
But swing your arms, just so.
In a way that'll give him the chance to catch your hand in his.

Nudge him playfully on the shoulder.
Laugh at everything he says.
Unless he's pouring his heart out to you.
Then, listen intently.

Let him be a gentleman.
Let him pay for dates.
Just make sure you pick the cheapest thing on the menu.

Eat.
Don't order a salad and pick at it; it's a waste of food.
Don't starve yourself in an effort to appear borderline anorexic.
You'll have to deal with awkward tummy grumbles later.

Don't let him objectify you,
But accept all his compliments graciously.
Believe him when he tells you you're beautiful.

But don't get too comfortable.

Be insecure.
Because it means you don't take him for granted.
Because it means you appreciate him.
Because it means you care.

Tell him when you're worried.
Tell him when you're scared.
And let him wrap you in his arms and tell you it's ok.
Let him tell you everything will all work out.
And let yourself believe him.

Trust him completely,
But not too quickly.
Because the heart is fragile;
It must transfer hands slowly.

Realize that you love him.
If you cannot bring the words to your lips, then tell him with your eyes.
Tell him in the way your hands fit together.
Tell him with soft kisses.

And know that he'll understand the words behind your silence.