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Jan 2020 · 60
time passing
rebecca Jan 2020
i left your home
i never wanted to
you sent me away
lost soul, lost home

time passes, grief stricken anger
stressful situations swallowed me deeper
i didn't understand why, so
i cried drops of flame
then he foreshadowed his goodbye

beginning to heal with new friends
i found my joy on stage
growing like a phoenix from the
worst ashes. moving into independence alone
faith became thick and grew deeper
why did you leave me, justin?

i was a firework, exploding into my
new life. expanding mind, healing heart
preparing for life, making sandwiches for minimum
thriving by myself and with friends everywhere
still angry, still confused, not the same
words on pages on stages inspiring me
my new life taking shape, new dreams

no more orphan annie, more grounded, older, wiser
excited for new beginnings, finally letting go, but then
smoke from underneath, my dreams crumble, he's gone
stuck with female felons and corn, what is hope?
where is god? where is my hero? why
am i here, alone in life, **** this
no more sandwiches so no more legal independence
slipping back into darkness, no hope or light

pointless living, running behind, getting by, three years, how?
how did i get here, why are you gone?
justin come home, save me, please be my god
trying to keep my head above water while sinking
at least im healed, ive let them go, somehow
wanting my life back, how did i get here
less than a month, my dreams supposed to kickstart
but im drowning, falling, gasping for air desperately, but
i wont show you, i cant show you, strength

Dec 2018 · 315
it isn't fair
rebecca Dec 2018
it isn't
that my mind wont
it wont
it wont
it wont

it isn't
that all i want to do
is to
in a
traced with
that just so happens
to be
Oct 2018 · 9.5k
rebecca Oct 2018
girl friend
girl                   friend
girl                                                 friend
girl                                                      ­                         friend
girl                                                      ­                                                       friend
Oct 2018 · 290
the saving stage
rebecca Oct 2018
My life was quite dark
but then the golden curtains opened and Act Two began
with it's first remark
Oct 2018 · 300
rebecca Oct 2018
It's a ball of tangled yarn that I just can't figure out
I need to untangle it before my time runs out.
What if my "what-if's" come true?
I can't sleep because the threads twist and constrict
I just don't know what to do.
Oct 2018 · 946
a song of unrequited love
rebecca Oct 2018
thin finger tips touch the smooth ivory and ebony
she cries with ease, singing for her master
her skin is as smooth as her perfectly tuned voice
and you are her artful director
you love her and her cousin
both just as beautiful as the other
i love to watch you as you tickle and pedal
your smile, your passion lights something in me
my heart wants to sing
to belt at fortissimo with fire and wind
but you're unmoved by my quiet inflections,
so i'm forced to sing only in secret
causing my soul to develop several deadly infections.
<<< sad boy hours >>>

please tell me how to make this better
Oct 2018 · 339
rebecca Oct 2018
I'm not drowning
                                                                ­                                        I am flying
I'm not crazy
                                                           ­                                               I am valid
I'm not dying
                                                           ­                                              I am living
I'm not unwanted
                                                        ­                                                 I am loved
Let me know what you think!!!
Sep 2018 · 202
Psalms 18:2
rebecca Sep 2018
When I read that verse,
I felt His arms wrapped around me in a fatherly embrace
My overwhelming anxieties fell away,
the ground on which I stood turned to stone,
and I felt protected-for once safe, relaxed, and not alone

When I read that verse,
I saw the ways that he has worked in my life already
He's blessed me so...
so much that I can't begin to fully express it in words
He saved me from those stormy waves
And placed me on the solid ground I stand on today

When I read that verse,
I tasted freedom from my demons and my sins
It was sweet, and somehow savory
It was warm, thawing my chilled interior

When I read that verse,
I heard the shouts of praise from both angels and people
I heard the fanfare of victory,
The sound of my own shackles breaking

When I read that verse,
I smelt the calm ocean breeze,
The wildflowers that started growing from the dirt of my past.
I smelt honey amongst other sweet things
All as sweet as the thought of being His.
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety."
Sep 2018 · 714
rebecca Sep 2018
i've caught feelings like viruses
but i know you're immune
when i ran into you today
in a rush
in a daze
it made me sicker
but a smile still hinted at the edges of my lips
and that's why i hate being sick
Sep 2018 · 695
rebecca Sep 2018
deep down
i know:
if i sleep,
my demons do too
so maybe
that's why
i cant
wake up
Sep 2018 · 274
To Do:
rebecca Sep 2018
live your life to the fullest,
don't waste even a second.
go after your dreams,
I know you can do it.
be the person that you want to be,
not what society wants to see.
Sleep well everyone!
Don't forget to love yourself!!!
Sep 2018 · 478
rebecca Sep 2018
your eyes
your hair
your mind
just you
everything about you is just so

Sep 2018 · 208
Remember Me
rebecca Sep 2018
How will you remember me?
The one who wasn't skinny?
I want to be who God wants me to be.
Not someone labeled by society,
I want to be intelligent,
have a warm personality
He sees me as lovely,
so why do I care if I'm just remembered as the one who wasn't skinny?
Sep 2018 · 509
She told me
rebecca Sep 2018
When I was 13
She told me I'd never be 14
She'd hit me until my limbs turned black and blue
My heart was just as bruised

When I turned 14,
I almost stopped my heart
so I was surrounded by my closest strangers
They made me cards and gave me a cake
A month before, I thought I would break

When I was 15
I focused on living
getting good grades
my love for acting.
I was living, not surviving.

Now in two weeks,
I'll turn 16
My life is now yellow, no more blue
But I will never forget
what she told me while she was upset
I wrote this while I was rushed, so tell me what you think!
Sep 2018 · 1.3k
p a n i c a t t a c k
rebecca Sep 2018
I don't understand
p e r s i s t e n t
I was fine two minutes ago
u n c o n t r o l a b l e
I know I'm okay
o v e r w h e l m i n g
e x c e s s i v e
I can't
i r r a t i o n a l
d r e a d
why did
d i s a b l i n g
I even say
p o u n d i n g   h e a r t
s w e a t
do that
t r e m b l i n g
why am I doing this
s h a k i n g
I can't
s m o t h e r i n g
do this
c h o k i n g
c h e s t   p a i n
d i s c o m f o r t
help me
n a u s e a
save me
d i z z y
I can't stop
u n s t e a d y
am I
l i g h t - h e a d e d
f a i n t
am I
c h i l l s
h o t   f l a s h
they all
n u m b n e s s
think that
t i n g l i n g
a freak
d e r e a l i z a t i o n
no one will
d e p e r s o n a l i z a t i o n
l o s i n g   c o n t r o l
love me
“ g o i n g   c r a z y ”
why does it feel like I'm
d y i n g
N o
n o
. . .
. .
Sep 2018 · 1.1k
The Future is Now
rebecca Sep 2018
The river of possibility is an endless stream
and still, I'm lost, trapped in this small town dream.

I know I cannot change what happened in the history,
but I can change the soon to be.

The past is forever,
but the possibilities of my future are without measure.
I want to write better poetry, so please comment with tips and suggestions!
Sep 2018 · 113
Sonnet #4
rebecca Sep 2018
My mom has unpredictable issues.
I grew up living with a volcano.
It took its toll on me and gave me blues.
She’d hit me then hug me and call me beau.

Conflicted with love and hate, I moved on
I discovered anxiety and fear,
I fell into a deep, dark, depression.
When I moved out, my feelings became queer

An angry, sad, happy, guilty potion
Flowed through my veins. I couldn’t think clearly.
I wished of drowning, dreamt of death’s coming.
Swallowing pills, I signed “sincerely.”

Now it's two years later I’m still fighting.
Now, I’m living instead of surviving.
Sep 2018 · 71
Sonnet #3
rebecca Sep 2018
When the seasons change from winter to spring,
And the snow melts away, replaced by rain,
The dogwood booms; its buds are breathtaking.
The pure beauty makes my cold sorrows drain.

My sadness and anger drip down my cheek
Thoughts of beginnings and pastels and green
Bloom inside my mind with antique pigsqueak.
Baby bunny hops so sweet I could scream.

It’s not too hot nor too cold but perfect
Not too busy or boring, it’s just right.
While it was snowing softly, beauty slept
I wish it wouldn’t leave with all my might.

I know summer, fall, and winter must come,
But I am still frightened to overcome
Sep 2018 · 167
Sonnet #2 - Dear Mom
rebecca Sep 2018
Why must the good girl feel sad and broken?
Is the world bind to her cold desperate prayer?
the sun too mocks what darkness has taken.
The devil has dragged her into his lair.

Her once bright eyes are now dull with sorrow
Her once happy spirit wants to depart
You set out to hurt like a stone arrow
You were her love until you tore her heart

It’s clear to us that you are a monster
Your eyes disguised to hide the hellish red
She still gazes sadly at your picture
She doesn’t trust the truth inside my head

Oh, if only she could see and let go
Perhaps maybe her joy could overflow
Sep 2018 · 858
Sonnet #1
rebecca Sep 2018
Forbidden love for her keeps me awake
I lie in bed and dream about her eyes
How they sparkle and cause my heart to break
All I can do is let breathe another sigh.

I want to hold her lovely hand in mine
Lie with her on the grass underneath the stars
and kiss her lips until the end of time
It is a shame Venus must go with Mars

The one who made the world condemns my sin
Maidens must only love a lord or king
In this world, I can't love, nor can I win.
I don’t desire a straight, arranged wedding,

but if my love for her is horribly wrong
Then why is my love for her so strong?
Last year, my English teacher made us write sonnets, and I wrote this. Let me know what you think!
Sep 2018 · 3.2k
That Boy
rebecca Sep 2018
if the sound of your voice was somehow written
it'd be written in cursive.
if your eyes were a feeling
they would be an explosion of warmth that is so beautifully overwhelming,
it can't be confined or defined in one word.
when i see your smile,
my stomach fills not only with butterflies,
but with a seven-acre garden of sunflowers and roses.
i know i'm only another girl to you,
but i wish i could tell you that you're
boy to me.
Sep 2018 · 500
rebecca Sep 2018
she puts one foot in front of the other
she inhales, exhales rhythmically, robotically
she crosses the street when she sees them
she has adrenaline and anxiety and fear replacing her blood
she hangs her head
she tries to be invisible--
she used to be
she wants that life that back.
she knows they're gone now, behind her, but
she still feels watched, followed
she never asked for this trauma.
she is trapped, held hostage
she's locked up inside of her head
she wants out
she wants courage
she wants to say those two words
she wants to be free again
she never asked for this
she never wanted to be trapped at the top of her fleshy tower
she stops walking
she says it
This is from a prompt.
Sep 2018 · 2.3k
The Seed
rebecca Sep 2018
It starts with a seed: small and dark
It starts to grow: a stem and a thorn
It grows some more: twisting inward on itself
Now its a bush: one that smothers
It has sharp thorns and soft, black leaves. they ***** out all of the light
It tightens around something soft. you cant feel it but you sense it
You keep watching the plant as it grows
once it was a seed, now a still growing plant
until one day... cant...

— The End —