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 Feb 27 rebecca
 Feb 27 rebecca
ting is
your           life
thro             ugh
a ne           edle
and         if
you sew
If tomorrow never comes for me
If I shall not wake in the morning
Would you know I love you
Would you know I care
 Dec 2018 rebecca
I told a girl she was beautiful
and that she should go easy on herself today
why can’t I tell myself the same thing

My friend told me she has depression
I hugged her while she cried
and told her she would be okay
why can’t I believe that for myself

I became an online listener
for people who have mental illnesses
and spent hours convincing them
they are good enough
why can’t I convince myself

I stayed on the phone
to convince my friend not to self harm
for five hours
telling him that it's okay
to be kind to yourself over and over
why can’t I tell myself that

I spend so much time
saving other’s lives
why can’t I remember to save my own?
I love you. You're beautiful, it's going to be okay, you are good enough, and it is okay to be kind to yourself. Take some time for you today.
 Dec 2018 rebecca
 Dec 2018 rebecca
You don't realize it
But you are a part of the reason too
Why my snow skin in stained with red blood.
Why I stare up at my ceiling at 2 am asking myself
"Why am I like this?"
You say that I,
I can tell you anything but,
This "anything" is limited.
I stand up for myself and you say I'm not old enough to speak up.
I don't say a word and you say I must speak up.
You don't understand,
You don't understand how you are the depths of my misery
dragging me deeper towards ****.
You aren't dragging me to ****,
You turned my mind to match the devil's,
You've turned my reality into ****.
Trigger Warning
 Dec 2018 rebecca
Real (tw)
 Dec 2018 rebecca
It gets worse
At night.
When all the lights are off,
When I'm completely
The feeling
Can be overwhelming.
This heavy, black
This pulsating, pointless
I'm driven to tears
By my frustration at
And fear of
Things that are far, far
Beyond my control.
When I am in this feeling,
It is real.
It is so,
Scarily real.
But the next morning,
It's gone.
Some sadness may linger,
But that blackness
Is gone.
It's like
It was never real.
And I don't know how to fight this,
When almost all of the time,
It isn't real to me.
So I make it real.
I make sure
That this feeling
Is remembered.
I write about it,
I mark it into my skin,
Letting the faint scars remain,
So I can look at them
And remember that
The black feeling is real.
That forgetting about it
Won't make it go away.
It'll just render me blissfully ignorant
Until the feeling comes back,
And there I am again,
Exactly where I was last time,
Feeling like this is the first time I've ever
Broken down in this way.
Then I feel like a child
Without any experience,
Any means
Of dealing with this.
I mark myself
So I don't forget
That what I feel
This is kind of my way of venting, thanks if you read this, I hope if anyone can relate, I made them feel a little less alone. At the risk of sounding like a total hypocrite, please don't self harm, if you feel depressed, talk to your loved ones and people who can help you.
 Dec 2018 rebecca
Sara Buzz
 Dec 2018 rebecca
Sara Buzz
But I don't look like a tiger
they call me fierce
but I feel like a liar.

Only I can see
the damage done to me
and it didn't have to be.

But nobody knows
everything's faded so it doesn't even show.

Can you see the discoloration?
in summer heat, jacket halfway off,
notice my hesitation?
I've been conditioned,
"scars are ****"
but you can't even see them.

That's where I draw the line
not again
no more pain
"I promise I'm fine".

All this hiding has been in vain.
it's been such a long long time,
how much happiness did I feign?
Just to get through?
Just to survive.
Doing what I can just for
one more, only one more day.
I didn't believe but I looked up at God and begged for another way.

He told me to be brave
He told me He'd make a way
He promised He'd shed 1,000 tears of forgiveness for 1 single mistake.

But I didn't believe Him,
I didn't do my part
so 457 lines I've made.
Crossing the line away from real life and stepping into the darkness within and hoped I'd fade.

Not as bad as it could've been,
but forever it seemed, it took that long, 5 years to come out.

5 years to give up and look for another rout.
But it's a battle I still fight.
I remember myself and Gods promises of life,
I have to read it all back to myself every single night.

Do I carve away at skin or erase all of my sin?
I can try to look for Gods face but I know that I'm only human.

457 cuts on my body
but the words you gave somehow felt worse.

I messed up.
32 more, an unforgiving night, devastated and once again alone.
But God understands and knows
He sees my mistakes and woes
457 cuts on my body.
but 457,000 healings on my soul.

I'll look forward to the day
where the razors wont get in my way
I'll live life, Gods promises fulfilled
I'll try to do my part,
praise His name, look ahead
no longer making grotesque red art.
I'll let it fade, let the memories decay
I won't have to lie about being ok.

5 years of my flesh punished for experiencing sadness and existing.

Sure those who may know me may call me a tiger,
mocking memories of the old broken skin.
They could call me fierce, or weak, or strange, or a cutter, like I'd been.
But if one thing remains then I know that it doesn't matter.
Only God can forgive my sins.

You can hate me,
but if you haven't been there don't blame me.
I don't have time to listen to lies.
You have a problem with my past?
Speak ill of how I had to cope to last?
God forgives you too, yeah, but I know you didn't ask.

Yeah, I'm a tiger, a lioness, bird whatever,
freedom under God will allow me to soar.
I'll reach new heights that they never expected, and they'll never forget the roar I've perfected.

All that my agonies were,
but I won't let it continue to happen anymore.
And one day I wont even remember that number...
I won't even realise what it was for.
 Dec 2018 rebecca
your lips


of honey

and so our kiss

is just as sweet
 Dec 2018 rebecca
I'm Fine
 Dec 2018 rebecca
I’m sorry
No, truly I am
I’m sorry for wanting to die
But I’m more sorry for being alive

I drink a lot at parties
One shot, two shots, ten shots
All to forget that I’m a prisoner
And that my body is my cage

I’ve stopped worrying about myself
So please stop worrying about me
Too much is wrong with me
My brain is dysfunctional

I’m a broken porcelain doll
But nobody can repair me
No pill can fix me
I’m not your art project

Criminal tears ******* in the corner of my eyes
But I can’t continue to cry
I’m completely numb
I’m a piece of **** furniture

I’m fine, I am
Apart from the starving
Apart from the anxiety
Don’t you see my true fake smile?

This thing I taste:
Anxiety, bitter anxiety
I just want to be free
But I’m simply a pile of waste

I’m not living
I’m simply surviving
A heart shall be shattered
And it must be mine
 Dec 2018 rebecca
Is it wrong to want to die
To just give up, no longer try
Or to dwell and wonder why
I feel alone and always cry

Why am i always so sad
Always down and rarely glad
While many times everyday
For an end I often pray

Why do I still feel this way
Wish these feeling I could stray
Instead I feel like dying
Too tired from all the crying
Just how i often feel
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