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  Mar 25 rebecca
It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived
rebecca Mar 1
I don't hate you.
I'm not actually mad at you.
But this white-hot rage won't let me go.
It controls me like a puppet.

I don't want to say these things
but its hands are around my neck and it wont let me breathe unless I do.
I do and then I would rather choke.
But then it's too late.

Saying those things when I see you breaks my heart
But I cant control my own chest.
If only I could hit reset
**** it while it's young
then maybe I wouldn't be crying right now.
Maybe we'd be happy.
maybe we would love each other again.
But I cant hit reset.
I cant escape.
I'm in too deep.
I can't sleep.

I look at the blood on my hands
and in the reflection I see my face
but it isn't me behind those eyes.
I'm a slave to my rage.
I'm so sorry.
rebecca Mar 1
I walked through your doors and felt out of place
But she insisted that they wanted me
Three years have passed and she doesn't want me anymore
And now he’s the one who loves me at all.
The boys though
The boys
They hate me they want me gone
They aren't innocent
Our sins are equal
But no matter what I do she still loves them more
I get it I do,
They're her own blood, her own sons
But she said she wanted me too
Now she wants me gone
And I do too.
  Feb 27 rebecca
Jeordie S Dahmer
Forever doesn't mean
my hand you'll always hold
forever means
there's a part of me
that you've stole
written in 2017
rebecca Feb 27
im going through a lot right now
and i dont know how to escape it

im fighting with my mom
my dad is in stressed denial
my brothers hate me
my fake family is breaking
and i dont have time to process

ive missed school for the things i love
but my assignments are missing
my grades are dropping
my teachers are angry
and i dont have time to catch up

my anxiety is sky high
my depression has a thirst for blood
my drugs arent working
and ive resorted to toxic ways
because and i dont have time to feel anything

im losing my way
im losing my patience
im losing my mind
im losing feelimg
im paralized
but still my mind is running
and the world is lagging behind

im going through a lot right now
and i dont know what ill do to escape it
havent written in a hot second
rebecca Dec 2018
when i was younger i wanted to fly

to this day

i still can't walk across a bridge

without dreaming of flying away
theres a bridge and under it is a highway. i can walk there from my driveway in 10 minutes. it's not great for depression
  Dec 2018 rebecca
Sara Buzz
But I don't look like a tiger
they call me fierce
but I feel like a liar.

Only I can see
the damage done to me
and it didn't have to be.

But nobody knows
everything's faded so it doesn't even show.

Can you see the discoloration?
in summer heat, jacket halfway off,
notice my hesitation?
I've been conditioned,
"scars are ****"
but you can't even see them.

That's where I draw the line
not again
no more pain
"I promise I'm fine".

All this hiding has been in vain.
it's been such a long long time,
how much happiness did I feign?
Just to get through?
Just to survive.
Doing what I can just for
one more, only one more day.
I didn't believe but I looked up at God and begged for another way.

He told me to be brave
He told me He'd make a way
He promised He'd shed 1,000 tears of forgiveness for 1 single mistake.

But I didn't believe Him,
I didn't do my part
so 457 lines I've made.
Crossing the line away from real life and stepping into the darkness within and hoped I'd fade.

Not as bad as it could've been,
but forever it seemed, it took that long, 5 years to come out.

5 years to give up and look for another rout.
But it's a battle I still fight.
I remember myself and Gods promises of life,
I have to read it all back to myself every single night.

Do I carve away at skin or erase all of my sin?
I can try to look for Gods face but I know that I'm only human.

457 cuts on my body
but the words you gave somehow felt worse.

I messed up.
32 more, an unforgiving night, devastated and once again alone.
But God understands and knows
He sees my mistakes and woes
457 cuts on my body.
but 457,000 healings on my soul.

I'll look forward to the day
where the razors wont get in my way
I'll live life, Gods promises fulfilled
I'll try to do my part,
praise His name, look ahead
no longer making grotesque red art.
I'll let it fade, let the memories decay
I won't have to lie about being ok.

5 years of my flesh punished for experiencing sadness and existing.

Sure those who may know me may call me a tiger,
mocking memories of the old broken skin.
They could call me fierce, or weak, or strange, or a cutter, like I'd been.
But if one thing remains then I know that it doesn't matter.
Only God can forgive my sins.

You can hate me,
but if you haven't been there don't blame me.
I don't have time to listen to lies.
You have a problem with my past?
Speak ill of how I had to cope to last?
God forgives you too, yeah, but I know you didn't ask.

Yeah, I'm a tiger, a lioness, bird whatever,
freedom under God will allow me to soar.
I'll reach new heights that they never expected, and they'll never forget the roar I've perfected.

All that my agonies were,
but I won't let it continue to happen anymore.
And one day I wont even remember that number...
I won't even realise what it was for.
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