I heard your voice on the radio
Each word transmitting
from your lips
You touch me more than you even know
From my neck to your fingertips

To be under your skin
is where I should have been.
From the start I knew
a little bit of everything
except you.
And to know you
is to know everything.

I'm not getting better
In fact,
I'm getting so much worse.
Everything is falling down
The tall pillars are crumbling down
All around my broken body
The doctors keep telling me
I'm cutting too deep
Eating too little
Purging too much.
But I can't stop.
Because you see,
The voices are getting louder
I can't ignore them
I can't block out my own thoughts,
Even though they're killing me.
I see things that aren't even there.
Can't you see I'm insane?
Or do you just choose to look away
And lie to yourself, saying,
"Oh, she's getting better."
Just so you can get a good nights sleep?
While I kiss the razor's sparkling blade.
You're watching me turn to ashes,
I know it won't be long,
Till I'm blown away.
My pulse is fading
My breathing is jagged
My mind is broken
But then again,
Once I'm gone,
You won't have to lose any more sleep.
So don't worry about me.
It won't be long
Until I leave you alone.

she sat underneath the great oak tree
she felt nothing
she heard nothing
beside her bruised knees
lay a dandelion
ripped from its roots
well maybe it was already on its way out
but she thought
what a shame
because it screamed for help
oh she could hear it
and oh
she could feel
the desperation the anger the terror
oh she felt

she blinked her eyes
the dandelion was gone
but she could still feel
and she could still hear
then she realized
there was never a dandelion

she heard
and she felt
her own pain, anger, terror

it was her all along

in the silence
our thoughts are the loudest
they're the creaks of the floorboards
letting us know
we are not alone
whether the voices are good or bad
the silence really will never invade our minds

cant you see?
i'm unsatisfied
with my existance

i dont know why
but i breathe
meaninglessly
aimlessly

i am a zombie

Tired of talking. Always talking.
Do you understand the potential of silence?
Leave me alone for awhile and you may get your answers.
Stop trying to help me.
I don't want to rely on human help anymore. It just ends in more problems.
Yes I know ignoring the problem doesn't work, but it sure is easier.
Why do we fall? To learn to pick ourselves up again.
Well can I just lay here awhile? The sky is beautiful.
Enjoy it and falling isn't that hard anymore.
And when I'm ready, I know there is One who will lift me up again.

A year into our marriage he said he wanted out. I said no I'm not giving up.

Society tells us "Do what makes you happy." We are a nation of quitters. It's ok to quite at the slightest inconvenience, "It's just not for you, that's ok."

No it's not ok.

A small part of me wanted out too but I'm not a quitter and I serve Christ before man. Selfishness was the main problem. I had it all figured out on what my husband needed to do to change and make things better. God showed me trying to fix him was only going to make it worse.

I needed to change, I needed to have the unconditional love for my husband that Christ has for us. Forgiveness and mercy needed to become part of my daily vocabulary. So many nights I cried myself to sleep alone. I could have chosen to hate him and lash back at him. What good would it have done me?

God had me humble myself. God alone is the judge of man. Who am I to judge anyone? As long as I am right with God I am protected and loved. God's love is greater than any man.

Then something major happened to my husband that could have torn us apart if I had been focused on doing what was right in my eyes. Instead I took the opportunity to reach out to him, to love him at his lowest.

If I had been playing by the worlds rules I should have kicked him while he was down. Even after all he had put me through I had a deep love for him that reached a spiritual level. God brought us together and rekindled a love that had been trampled on and forgotten.

Let God's love lead you. 'The opposite of biblical love isn't hate, its apathy. To stop moving toward our spouse is to stop loving him or her. It's holding back from the very purpose of marriage.'

1 Corinthians 13:17- Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 3:19a- For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.

Romans 2:7-8- To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, He will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil,there will be wrath and anger.

James 4:12- God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?

Laying curled up trying to think of nothing.
Ipod playing music unheard.
The wall comes in and out of focus. Stare too long and you see new things.
You don't really want to feel like this, but you can't seem to feel any other way.
Is it worth it to surrender your emotions?
Everyone's got to start somewhere.