There is a significant person in my life,
one of which I have no acquaintance, one I do not truly know.
Merely an image my mind refuses to distinguish from the blur.
For even my waking life could not conceive the truth of the night he knew me.

Yet the image still lurks its way into my dreams,
the ones most surreal.
It subsists always in a threatening manner.
The road not to take, the wicked to the just.

It leaves me with no escape in my own world.
I cannot evade myself from this blur for long.
I cannot shake the feeling I felt that fateful morning.
I cannot disregard a loss of innocence in adulthood. An unnatural sensation.

I will never be able to ignore the physical pain I endured.
As much as I cannot see, I feel twice as much.
I could not explain where the pain came from, but I suffered through it days on end.
And the pain in my mind, the one subsiding itself into my head day after day,
nothing will restore the virtue I once held onto.
Nothing will cover my shame.

Years have passed, yet I have come to know,
that time does not heal all wounds.

I remember the first time I saw you.
The image still lingers in my dreams.
The late summer sun radiating off your face,
your beautiful brown eyes captivating my entirety with such force.

I remember the first time I spoke to you,
My legs quivering in fear, and you were oblivious to my infatuation.

I remember the first time I kissed you,
The small sound you made, the smile on your face,
And you were unaware how much I longed for that moment to last.

I remember the first time you realized my heart was yours for the taking.
You told me I was brave, and I laughed in silence at my own terror.

I remember the first time I realized I love you.
I remember the exact moment.
I took hold of you, and kissed you like I never had before,
because I knew nothing could ever feel better than that precise moment.
And I let the memory prolong itself until I could see you again.
And as I watched the mountains roll by, alone, and lost,
I never lost sight of you. I never lost the image of your smile,
the sound of your voice, the feel of your touch.
The hope you made me feel. The safety, the fearlessness.
Because with you, I am never lost.
I am simply on a never ending road with a love so strong,
That I will never lose my way again.

I am absolutely petrified
afraid of little and big alike
living like someone half-alive
not radioactive, but acting spite
If I could exist another way
be born into night, as I was into day
it would be much easier to hide

Why exist at all when not really alive?

Ponder upon the hatred of all
Why exist for something that is nothing at all?
These people, these peasants ask for it
these stupid, whining, petulances
talking to me as if I care
With so-called clever small talk, unnatural air
gasping and panting for one more breath
that they'll get and ask for again

A cycle, a cycle of loving demands
that will end with me, by my hands
Why exist for nothing at all?
It serves to remind
It is alright if you've already died

I was so scared
of someone getting too close.
I was so scared
of someone getting close enough to break me.

I was so scared
of being broken so badly that I could never be fixed.
I was so scared
that I closed myself off.

                                                                    And I ended up breaking myself.

(a.d)

What is she to you?
Another body?
Another Tool?
You broke her once,
and never again,
you took her heart,
and smashed it to pieces,
you tore her to shreds
corrupted her meekness.

Look at what you've done,
you two-faced liar,
you're on the next high
just trying to get one step higher.

Look at yourself, you ***** piece of trash,
everything you say or do,
is all in a rush,
and all rather rash.

I'm not perfect,
but God forbid should I strike a woman for the moment,
cause when the law catches up,
it'll be time to confess your sins,
and confess to own it.

What have you done?!
What has she to you,
that you had to commit,
to say it led to what you said you had to do.

Why?
What was she to you?

you were the first
the very first
i remember the first time you looked at me
a glance for a second too long
we were both so enchanted

i was the one for you
no one else mattered
everything was centred around you
i never wanted to let you go

our slow walks through the autumn woods
our skates across the winter ice

then the spring came
with it brought new life
i remember when you told me you loved me
we kissed
just a delicate pressing of the lips
sealing us together

you said "what's next?"
i pulled you into my embrace
you kept kissing me and kissing me
i felt like i was falling

falling into the depths of love
oh so carelessly
my infatuation with you had filled my mind
i knew love was dangerous  
but we were one now

we couldn't stop ourselves
we kept falling deeper into the realm
we were happy

months later
the love i felt had begun to fade away
the passionate embraces
replaced by lustful behaviour
i knew

we were falling out of love
and into lust

come back my love
my first love

the pain pierces into me
i want to tell you
help me get better
its time for you to know

please be my backbone
please hold me tight
when the pain starts
whisper to me that everything will all be alright