Reaching out for something more
Before my mind shuts this door

Until my soul lingers for more
I’ll keep the faith that fills every pore

Why can’t I take this frame
And bend it back again

Will I be lost in this game
Unable to see through the shame

Shadows cast over the light
Which barely braved the darkened night

My question is, how long will you fight
When there’s only this horrid image in your line of site

Am I capable of something more
I’ve never succeeded when keeping score
The sense of loss becomes a chore

When the life you’ve longed for is no more

I wrote a poem, and I set is aside
But the words leapt off the page as if they were on fire

I wanted it to be the beginning of the end
Of a land where I grow restless, longing to hit SEND

Should there ever be that one final piece
Which claims the conclusion to this beast?

Would there ever be that final scrawl across the page
That left me so satisfied, I never again felt the rage

Perhaps I should look longer
For the keys to success couldn’t be farther

When you cast a wide net, you hope for a bigger catch
You work diligently, hoping for that match

And at long last, when you’ve made the journey for the solution
All you are left with is zero absolution

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
I'll figure it all out in due time

I'll hide my pain behind my smile
Even if I have to struggle for a while

Am I a misguided fool
Hell bent on breaking every rule?

Do you see me as I am?
The one trying to take a stand

Trying steadily in vain
To circumvent all of the pain

If you were to ask me if it's all been worth it
I would shrug it off because it's not over yet

It's amazing how what is stored in your brain
Fills you with so much shame

Can you find a way out of this game
Or will you forever be bogged down by pain

Each day when I wake
I steady myself to challenge my fate

I've never asked for perfection
I only sought an end to the deception

Does the game ever end?
Because I'm drowning in the shallows

If I close my eyes and try to find an answer to these riddles
I lose all hope I once had, however little

I'm a doormat, a punching bag, a waste of time, a failure
Every day it's something new and I can't find my savior

If I take one wrong step, I'm afraid I'll fall apart
I can't stand many more jabs straight to my heart

What I allowed to continue, beat me down to nothing
I didn't choose you to be my family, but I can choose something

I've chosen for you to exit my life
There will be no returning

You've burned your last bridge and this fire will burn forever
Just remember we had a lifetime to spend together

She's up there watching you and she knows what you've done
Believe me when I say, she's not the only one

You're a waste of my time and a drain on my energy
I have none to spare and I will show no mercy

So, I'll say goodbye to you for the very last time

Funny, as I write this, not a single tear escapes from my eyes

You don’t like to stand so close to me
You don’t want to see things the way I see
You’re afraid you’ll become just like what I’ll be

Ask yourself what it is you want to be
If you had a choice you would never be me
Your fear guides you too far away to see
You pretend you’ve got some other place to be

Do you know what hurts the most?
You don’t even know what I struggle with lately
You can’t be bothered with learning about how I feel

Are our lives so far apart?
Maybe you’ve got a broken heart
Perhaps you’ve watched it all fall apart
And when it does, where do you turn?

What if you had a friend like me?
Strong enough to conquer those fears daily
What if I could show you how to be strong
Or that surrounding me with stigma is wrong?

What if you felt it all for just one day?
Maybe you would have a lot more to say
If you could look through the eyes of mental illness
Would you really find so much of a difference?

I bet you’ve had good days and bad days
I bet you’ve felt lost and out of place
I think you’re scared of the way you feel
So you blame it on something that’s not even real

Stop for a second and take a look
Ask me a question, maybe share a look

Be nice to everyone you meet
You never know what pain they’ve beat
You don’t have to look sick to be sick
You don’t have to look ignorant to be ignorant

If you try it, you could gain something you’ve always longed for
If you carry your shield of stigma forever
What confusion you’ll endure

Maybe you don’t want to know me
What about him?
Standing there looking scared
Or her, with her nose in a book
So nobody truly sees her

There are many faces of pain and sorrow
And there are many faces of stigma
You don’t have to struggle with either

If you reach out and find the wrong person,
will you blame it on the disease? Probably.
But you’ll have learned
So that the next time you meet someone like me
Standing in a crowd, terrified of the judgement
and the stares, you’ll know to go slow.

Trust isn’t easy to give or receive

When you find an ally in a face in a crowd,
Couldn’t that be your proudest moment of all?

When the anger begins to set in, I feel as if the weight of the world rests
on my shoulders.

It burns me with the fire of a thousand suns
I have to lash out

Were you there, standing behind me? Hoping for the best...expecting the worst?
You’ve been gone so long, I can scarcely remember the details of your face

In a time when acceptance was the only thing that could put out the fire,
all you had was more fuel for the flame.

One day I’ll forget but now that you’ve shown your true colors
Your bright, hypocritical colors
I don’t find it necessary to forgive

I was there every time you were lost and unsure of yourself
A helping hand when those closest to you had let go
Yet you walked out on me when I was too scared to find my own way

Hating you keeps me going
The horrible things you said are a constant reminder
I’ll never stop what I’m doing to be better

There are things you’ve accomplished that I never will
Only because I’ve never wanted to

Blessings in disguise come at strange times
And the light of the truth often shines when you least expect it

My mind wanders too far for me to catch up
The world seems so foggy
I can’t find my thoughts

I struggle just to collect the memories
That were left behind
Like a whisper on the breeze

When I’m wide awake
As the whole world sleeps
I feel no mercy from the darkness at my feet

I hear the laughter behind me
The pain only I can see

Is it too late for me to start again?
I must believe that every now and then

I can’t leave behind all that I know
So the world can learn
What it should have known long ago

I’ve never come this close to the fire
The truth is all that I desire

Pick myself up to knock you back down
If you only knew how I called for your help
Without making a sound

She grew her auburn hair long, like a waterfall down her back.
She had dreams that it would mean so much more.

While her hair was truly lovely, she still felt inadequate among the crowd.

Her weight was more than she could stand and she felt her age creeping up on her.

What she sees with her striking hazel eyes is shame mixed with the years of pain she had to endure.

Perhaps if the day would come when she would feel beautiful once again, she could let go of all that has held her back.

Her loving husband found her beautiful, but she never
felt she deserved the admiration.

During moments alone, she took a long look in the mirror and dissolved into tears.

Perhaps if she hadn't heard so much cruelty growing up, the negativity wouldn't be so easy to believe.

Deep down inside, she hated herself and her body
no matter what progress she made.

She was frightened there would never be acceptance, happiness...pride.

Maybe one day she could erase the pain of all those years, instead of collapsing under the shadow of fear.

Do you bask in the glory of a life untainted
or do you brace yourself for the next catastrophe

Will the other shoe drop before you've truly
succeeded
Or can your expectations satisfy your needs

If you stand by and watch as your world slowly
crumbles
Are you to blame as your life becomes a pile of
rubble.

Inspiration wakes your inner flame
Until you feel that sense of fear
And you're burned by the shame

Have you faced more pain than should
ever be allowed
Or were you always meant to stand out from
the crowd

Shout it from the rooftops they'll tell you
Until you've fallen under their spell

And in the end, you can only glance at the image
in the mirror
As you wonder what life could have been like
without all of these fears

So many years I spent searching for my soul
All of the mistakes I made trying to fill that hole

Hurtful words followed by painful actions
Part of me knew this wasn't what I deserved, yet I couldn't turn away
Through all of the abuse and lies, I hoped one day I would find him
The one with kindness in his eyes

At times I walked slowly, blinded by tears
Carrying all of the burdens of the past years

At long last, without ever expecting it, I ran into you.

At first we took a chance and couldn't make it work
We were too afraid of our pasts and the many times we'd been hurt

It wasn't long before we found each other again
It felt as if a warm blanket was draped across my shoulders

As if somehow, I would never be hurt again
I looked into your eyes and I found all of the answers

I found love without consequences and acceptance without fear
As last I knew what I needed, it was so very clear

I never dreamt of a time when even being away from you for an hour would be a struggle

In the last 15 years, you and I have faced trials, heart-break, sadness, and grief

We've lost people we loved and felt pain beyond belief
Through it all, not once did I doubt your love for me
And only briefly did I consider that I should set you free

Now I know that our love only grows stronger with each passing year
Too much time together would never be enough

I'm grateful for everything you've brought into my life
I've never felt like I belonged anywhere else but at your side
I take so much pride every day that I call myself your wife

I hope you understand now that any sadness I feel has a different source
Unfortunately at times, my brain takes a separate course

I will always find my way back to you, mind, body, and soul

Because without you I'm nothing...nothing at all.

How do you let go of a dream you never thought
would die
Can you live through the pain of knowing it was all
just a lie
Pain seems to be a constant in life

Yet, I work every day to make myself believe I am so
much stronger
I look around at all of this sadness and wonder
How can I face this for even a moment longer

In the middle of the summer I'm wrapped in my
blankets, trying to get through the chills
I hide away from anyone and everyone.
Let them believe what they will

I feel like there's a weight attached to my leg, dragging
me down further and further
Please stop! I beg as my life becomes a blur

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to put my life out there
I wish I could accept the negativity without a care

It's clear to me now that I continue to let the past repeat

Wouldn't it be amazing to finally overcome such a debilitating defeat

Did you let go because it was too hard
Could you feel where you went wrong
Or was it everything it should have been and more

Have you stopped to count the hours since it last
    occupied your soul
Or have you let that dream wither and die

So much to say, so few ways to say it

Look into her eyes
Is she staring back at you
Do you meet her gaze

What happened to her
She is an empty shell of what could have been

It must be done now, before it's too late
Before she fails to turn the tables and her foolish mistakes
    are the only legacy she leaves upon this world

In the dark, I hear so clearly
Yet I can never see what is truly pursuing me

I question all that I feel so deeply
And I wonder why I can't just simply forgive me

When the sun goes down, the fear breaks through
I can't face all of this truth

My heart flutters with each beat of sadness

I can only hope the morning brings a long
awaited change
I can't keep this going, there's too much pain
Yet, I will fight like there's an entire world to gain.

It's just beginning now; my breathing feels so shallow
Is my chest bound by chains?
When will I recognize my life again?
When will I find a sense of strength again?

Across the room, a single light shines brightly
As I make a bargain with my soul that at long last,
I will not sleep so lightly.

I followed along on this path I'd never taken,
hoping it would make me new

When the pain on the inside became far too dark,
I could no longer hold true

Now, I fight to find the light and I struggle as I
hold tight to you

I've lost all that I had become,
and all that I knew

It hurts with a pain I've never
carried as I'm searching for the truth

I stumbled, I fell
I feel I'll never steady my view

I've lapsed into the loudest silence,
I stagger my way through

Tomorrow I say, tomorrow it will be
I need so much to believe
I have to find what I've lost

If it's the only thing I ever do