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 Jan 2019 Raven
fresh laundry
 Jan 2019 Raven
slipping and sliding
i’m slowly drifting away
everything i thought i was
i simply no longer am
my skin is worn and leathered
slowly peeling away like scales
to reveal something new .
 Oct 2018 Raven
kill me slowly
 Oct 2018 Raven
movie theater kisses
march madness
muddied boots
cold beginnings.
i love you,
i love you like midnight rain
wet chalk
washing away childhood memories  
falling in every direction
cold lifeless
seizures on the sidewalk
your friend jimmy is drowning in the pond
and your looking in a reflection of a puddle as if you have your life figured out.
 Oct 2018 Raven
 Oct 2018 Raven
i imagine you’ll smell like chamomile
and fall asleep on my chest
I imagine it will be cold
the stars looking in at us
I imagine your little toes
curling in excitement
The coos forming from under your breath
I imagine being happy
laughing like a frightened child for the first time since I was five
I imagine the world being a better place with you in it
full of life and love
so much so that parents don’t need to bubble wrap their children before taking them to school anymore
I imagine a life painted in happiness and adventure for you
I imagine you’re favorite color
your favorite books I’ll read you, you’re favorite song to sing
And on this cold night
snuggled in between my *******
your little body will be my warmth
and I yours
and we will hold each other for the rest of the night,
until the morning comes.
    and when the sunrise creeps in through the curtains
I will hold you for the rest of my life.
 Oct 2018 Raven
 Oct 2018 Raven
of many
gather at your toes like fallen leaves
autumn breeze
tickles the nape of your neck
you giggle
like a frightened child
if only it were so easy
to scratch me right off your back
like a scab
you’re peeling away but needing to keep in place.
 Oct 2018 Raven
and i fall
 Oct 2018 Raven
you’re growing
inside me
like a ****
you thought was a flower as a child
before the days your mother threw the dandelion bouquet you made her into the yard waste pile.
it was a definitive part of growing up she’d say.
im smiling but my feet are bare and the floor im walking on is needles
needless to say
i already know you’re darling
in every way
we’ve been communicating these last nine months through a layer of flesh
like we’re pen pals
you know my skin and bones like family
and I know your kicks and punches
like it’s yesterdays news.

i can’t tell you this but i am fearful

fearful of who i will become
what i have to offer
fearful of
the control of my life, the constant day to day swing of things i know I must leave in the rear view mirror

only for once
i don’t care
for once  

autumn leaf

down to uncertainty
only instead of fighting it
i surrender.
 Oct 2018 Raven
green river
 Oct 2018 Raven
green river
wet thighs
white towels
yellow lines
street signs
cracked pavement
City lights
Ambulance siren
hospital lights
dog barks
water drips from the faucet
running out of time
grey leather seats
wheel chairs and nurses
galking people
wet eyes
hands, shaking
sharp turns
down the hall
cold floor
green river
hospital tissue paper
phone calls
too much
can’t breathe
nurses laughing
hands on your shoulder
Happy for you
three centimeters dilated
nurses talk
cold hands
heart beating fast
can’t breathe
Fluorescent lights
green river
where’s babies heart beat
Cold hands
Creeky bed
Oxygen mask
Can’t breathe
can’t breathe
all fours like a dog
Blue Shower cap
Running down the hall
wet eyes
Green river
Florescent lights
hand sanitizer smell
Can’t breathe can’t breathe
hospital room
no blanket
shaking nervous scared
heart rate dropping
Galking eyes
cold air
Fuzzy vision

Where’s my baby
where’s my baby?
 Oct 2018 Raven
 Oct 2018 Raven
three at a time
Tears rolling down cheeks
like car windows
Hands around your throat kisses
Choking out I love you’s
each time
Shaking legs
Shaky breath
the taste of lemon liquor on your tongue
on top of me
screaming into piles of pillows
that never listen
 Apr 2018 Raven
Street lamps flicker like lightning bugs
low on juice
the light barely makes it out of the thick city smog alive
these blinking lanterns stretch for miles
in different directions
leading to new faces and different places and the taste of home on the tip of my tongue.
there is a whole universe beyond this highway
trees that poke holes in the clouds
And blanket the earth for hundreds of miles
they are hidden behind the fog
of the neon city lights and marketing billboards
with cheeseburgers and casinos and naked women plastered on every street corner
everyone is so distracted by the humdrum buzzing of the city
They swarm like bees to a hive  
Slaves to the machine
They are corralled into a certain way of thinking
so the elite that hide behind the curtain of sustainability and everyone else’s best interest can feed off of the ignorance the rest of us helplessly and unknowingly exude
These people are children, they are your parents maybe, your second cousin, your elderly neighbors who are blinded by there patriotism and there old habits that they can’t see reality transpiring right outside there window
people do not like to feel anything we don’t consider pleasantry
we want to ignore the bad feelings and expect instant gratification for everything we do
Forget about the cold outside and heat our houses
ignore the news because the consequences of our actions are too much to bare
so we blame it on someone else, something else far off in the distance
To distract ourselves from the fear that rattles profusely in our ribcage like a cornered snake
these people
are not educated on how to fight the system
they are taught to distract themselves with the new iPhone X
because the easiest thing to do is run when you’re in a corner into something that is soft, and warm and smells as sweet as your mother
something that absorbs the sharp blow of reality
so you don’t consciously have to.
there are a small few that have broken away from this way of thinking
we are told our virtues of minimalism and sustainability are unrealistic
We are labeled dreamers
laughed at
because we don’t dream in Hollywood lights
or corporate cubicles
we are the few that stare longingly into the trees past the city and dream of what’s more
to come then this mundane day to day
dragging our feet.
We are the wind, the momentum to break free
from the cold slab maze of brick wall thinking
that companies and capitalism has brainwashed us into
We must have strength
We must have courage
Even in the darkest of hours for the darkest of people  
to live by our virtues
and stand up for what we believe in
We must have discipline and live by what we say
We must lead by example
We must never stray from our purpose no matter what our parents tell us, no matter if we are told it is unrealistic or things will never work out for us in the end. They will.
We are already being forced against our will into a standardized way of thinking
Subjected to worse social punishment by the majority
it is social suicide to step out of the cultural conformities of the western civilization.
but we must.
the western mindset is a man eats world mentality
one percent of a pie
feeds off of the other 90 percent
economic canibalism
the one percent have bought there way to the top
Sold souls below them to the highest bidder
the other ninety percent of the pie
we will continue
chasing paper
like we’re chasing highs
to determine our self worth
we must break free from this toxic way of thinking
we must put an end to buying our selves clothes we don’t need and expensive foreign cars we don’t even know how to drive
Or else the cycle will continue
We will rack up mile long receipts over things we tell ourselves we need to live comfortably when we don’t
and they will win
If we keep quiet and sit still like we’ve been told to, and grow up the way it’s been modeled for us by the other cookie cutter members of society
that small slice of the pie will win  
and the rest of us
will pay for our tickets
to the end of the world.
The world has lied to you, get angry..
 Apr 2018 Raven
I want you to return me to the ground with an apology letter
Because you’re not supposed to wake the dead
forget the rumbles we thought we had in our chest you make me want to break down
pull my hair out of my head and knot a noose with it
doesn’t matter how far I’ve gotten it’s about where I’m at now
at rock bottom and you can pretend that every time you took me there it was an accident
Just another one of those things I did to myself
but you slapped away my hand every time I cried out for you to hold it
every place I asked you to kiss you ignored
I’m not the only one who feels
you tell me I make you want to put a loaded gun in your mouth because you never feel good enough
but don’t you see I am the one who is nothing
just a bag of bones
hollow on the inside
plastic on the outside
just a ******* toy melted together
with a ******* painted on smile
the type of worthless **** you’d get in a happy meal
only I’m not happy and i haven’t been for as long as I’ve been able to remember
I am just another toy that you tinker with and destroy
Only I am not a car
You can’t troubleshoot me
and fix the problem
I am just a sour putrid pit
that you will spit out and leave in the soil
and then that soil is torn open by cold metal shovels and then I am buried inside
left to rot
in a dressed up coffin.
in a dressed up life, with a dressed up family.
in a dressed up world
 Apr 2018 Raven
Just a ghost that you say you loved the most, you didn’t love a hair on my head until the day I was pronounced dead.    

pedal to the floor
going through life
I’m looking for the color grey paint?
something dull like my life.
I’m trying to paint a picture obvious enough for you to see that I’m not happy  
not trying to be sappy, I’m really quite Suicidal
Kurt Cobain my real life idol.
you thought it was getting better, boy I really had you fooled hate hides in my pillows eating away at my perfectly created facade I wish I could
just swallow the pain like the ground swallows rain drops
Maybe all of this would go away
maybe things would wake up okay
90% probability of it raining tomrrow though so you must prepare for the storm coming instead of running against the wind
inhale the truth of the matter into your lungs
and breathe it out like smoke
it will only sting if you cough
try to drink some *****, shake it off
**** yourself slowly because being extreme is looked down upon
even though the drugs are in your food already and the truths everywhere for them to find it
just **** your self while you can
Stop making wishes in the well and jump in
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