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Oct 2019 · 48
Dedicated to August
pisces Oct 2019
The summer I was 18
I fell in love with two men

The first was a secret
His desire for me went beyond what could’ve enchanted his eyes
He craved my soul the same way I understood his
What could it mean to fall in love again?
To let myself be loved
To know that it was possible
To understand that it was okay

I fell in love with him in June
I fell in love with the woman I became when I was with him
I let myself admire the way his hard muscles would move beneath his skin
He’d kiss me so slowly
He’d hold my face between his hands
And I’d tell him he was the only man in this world
I promised him that I never lie

June was the month that corrupted my mind
Everything became him
God, I welcomed it
The wind would blow and I’d catch his kiss
The sun would set and I’d wonder if he was watching it too
The stars would shine, existing only for him to make love to me underneath them

But June isn’t forever
June was beautiful
My love for him was beautiful
June isn’t forever

July came and I realized I’d been in love with a different man all along

This man looked the same
God, he was as handsome
But it wasn’t possible
This couldn’t be the same man I let myself fall in love with
In June

When he entered me
I’d feel him instantly disappear
When he’d squeeze my hand
When I’d meet his gaze
When he told me the same things the first man did
Their voices composed of the same shade of velvet
He no longer made me feel like we were the only two people who could have ever existed

Now, it was July
Now, all that consumed me
Was that I knew
with every part of who I am and who I’ve been
His love for me was like a hurricane
beautiful in a way that could only be understood if admired from afar
But sporadic
And the calm after each storm was what became the chaos that destroyed every city he’d built inside of me
His silence
I could never ask why

He made me wonder if I’d invented the first man in my mind
I opened my eyes and suddenly he appeared
I craved someone like him so desperately that it was as if
He was created just for me
He was created by me
Which will never be the same thing

He was as captivating as he was cruel
He told me that any love I’d felt from him was a lie
He told me how much he loved to lie
Maybe he loved to lie more than he loved me
His body lay still and asleep after he’d violated mine
I wish I could say he did not know how to love
But I knew
In a way you could never understand unless you knew him the way that only I could
I knew this man loved himself

But I loved him still

I loved him still

What to do when you fall in love with two men?
I could've sworn both men belonged to me
Neither exist, really
He could only hurt me in ways that mattered

Does he think about me as often and as desperately?

Does his heart break over and over the way mine does each inevitable moment his beautiful face enters my mind?

Maybe not.

People like him will never love anyone
Because they don’t know how
People like him were never worthy of knowing what it means to be loved
By me

I told myself that I understood him
I told myself that I still loved him because I’m the only one in this world who knew how

I understand nothing
I never will and that is okay

My life is no longer dedicated to trying to relive June
Trying to make sense of what I did to deserve July

My life
is dedicated to August
Jun 2019 · 119
Anti poem
pisces Jun 2019
I told you once I was a poet
You asked me to paint you with my words

Words aren't enough for me to tell you how I feel
and besides
I only put my pen to the paper when my heart aches so terribly, I cannot speak them aloud

Here I seek refuge
Here I find peace

I could only write you a poem if my soul perished at your disposal
I could only write you a poem if you could make my tears stain the page

Some days I am so happy I don't even want to speak

What makes you think I can be an artist if I am not starved?

I could write about how your eyes are so green that sometimes your gaze frightens me
I fear that I may never look away
My eyes will dry out
I'll fall, fast and suddenly, and never land
Safely or otherwise

I could tell you that every time you kiss me I feel every string in my heart tighten and collapse
I could tell you that you make me feel like I am re-born
over and over again
and yet, I know that a piece of my soul has belonged to you since men could breathe

But I don't want to do that

You make me so happy that I couldn't diminish what you mean to me into a finite number of lines

If I am being truthful
Maybe I'm simply not a good enough poet to bring justice to describing the way you make me feel

Don't let the pages of my notebook turn wet as I romanticize how terribly you've hurt me

You're the first man who has ever made me feel so alive that the only thing I can do is live

So let's just live
May 2019 · 68
pisces May 2019
I'm on fire for you and you may never know

I'll survive the burn in my throat if it means I can be brave
I need courage when I am near you

Don't make me feel so electric
Stop fueling my thoughts with what we could be

"Could" is an empty word to me

I wish safety could light my heart on fire the way your smile does
I wish I didn't crave your touch the same way I do his soul

Do you know what they mean when they say "young love"?

Do you know how I feel when you show me?
May 2019 · 287
dont ruin the moon for me
pisces May 2019
You took away my God given right as a woman of words

I dedicate my soul to filling the empty spaces of a page with the thoughts I am too ashamed to admit aloud

I lay awake when the sun begins to rise
I sing them to my guitar
My gentle voice can soften the cruel words I whisper to myself

I took your laugh and turned it into a symphony when I pressed my pen to the paper

When you pressed your hand against my thigh

When you entered me and I felt you instantly disappear

"The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man"

You stole hours of sleep from underneath my pillow when I lay awake
repeating conversations over and over in my mind
what I could have done to dismiss you so terribly

You ruined the moon when you kissed me underneath it and told me it was ours

Now the night sky doesn't shine like it used to. The moon doesn't sing to me as I fall asleep anymore

She reminds me that she's beginning to disappear
and I am still awake thinking about you

You took away my God given right as a woman of words

I exist to write about how I feel

Now I feel nothing at all
Mar 2017 · 334
pisces Mar 2017
Run away and stay soft for me, not rough
can't bear the innocence, we've all been so blind
insomnia renders us awake
with thoughts in our heads but nothing in our minds
Feb 2017 · 384
pisces Feb 2017
If God is real, then why do you still cry?
The breath in my lungs follows when you go
I gaze as hollows creep into your eyes

Your promises to me were cold and dry
Your laugh, so sweet, it (almost) saved my soul
If God is real, then why do you still cry?

I’ll pray for you, I’m blessed to call you mine
I know I'll cry, but it won't hurt at all
I gaze as hollows creep into your eyes

I see your face in each cloud in the sky
I'll lie down on the grass till I turn cold
If god is real, then why do you still cry?

The parts of me you fear, I'll watch them die
Your rough hands on my cheek are all I know
If God is real, then why do you still cry?
I gaze as hollows creep into your eyes
Dec 2016 · 1.9k
pisces Dec 2016
you're in my chest
and you're running down my cheeks
the pain and the pleasure all feels the same

snowflakes land in your hair
your eyes smile
you look so pretty when your lips turn blue

car lights dance in your eyes
dont make me cry
i can't stand how much i need you

— The End —