the hands of the clock are spinning
still
12
with broken bars on the playground
skipping stones
when things started to get a little heavy
we paused our breathing for an aftermath of sorts
but never saw it happen
14
the chiming gets louder
the bad kids come out to play
stringing words through fences
hardly a crooked smile
or stare
we're not going anywhere
16
it's daylight
we snooze our dreams because
they might never take flight
we sit on the bleachers
we live vicariously
we tear jealousy from magazine covers
because that's how we live
we step on broken mirrors but they do not hurt
18
these times in twos we're forced to live
the heavy gets heavier
the heart gets harder to breathe
we begin to look for fingers to grab
fingers of grief
kisses through teeth
we make bad decisions that spin
on some nights we kneel
but Sunday morning is not for another 12 hours
we return to wallow
in a certain hollowness still unfilled
the cycle repeats; we're waiting for night to come
around like a boomerang
were these years formative?
or maybe just an excuse for destruction
regrets fizzle
but never make it pass the sheet of ice
20
and a little wiser
just a little
the handlebars come off
once upon a time this was a vision
and now the hurdles are broken
until new ones come along
once upon a time this was a scream in the night
now there are bells
and lights
and buzzing
the chiming gets louder
the albatross is passed
around like a boomerang
an encumbrance
it berates me
we're looking for reasons to swallow
all this guilt and all their shadow
21
I scramble to my feet
to put this banner together brick
by boring brick
it feels all too valorous
to exclaim that I have broken the wheel
in time to come I shall fall back
into clutches
and fingers and teeth
and bad kissing
a half-open grey goose on the mantelpiece
half-opened desires
and some squabbling in my chest
more chandeliers
and more yet to come
as I fizzle into some chasm unbeknown
surely there is more falling to come
but for now
lucidity
the hands of the clock are
still

the day is new
so let’s not break it
I tell myself to triumph
every single time I trip
and there is no one there to hold me
but it’s a fall from grace with a view
with time and space for thought
and so I spend it on you

the day is new
you hurt me last night
and it is out of my memory
you maimed my thighs again
with the flowers I bought for you
you tried strangling me this time
and I thought it could finally be true
that this is how love feels like

the day is new
and so I sit here in comfort
wearing a sweater as always so no one sees
sipping a coffee pretending to be me
I make up lists in my head
to prevent me from going insane
for fear that I might like this
for fear that I might not run

who was that from before?
the day is new
and this is me
surely my pain is sorely somatic
I’ve heard my senses call me psychotic
but there is no war inside my head
there’s just me
screaming on the television with my sockets at my cheeks
sunken within me I fade
until a new day begins

the day is new
you told me so yourself
you taught me to forgive and I did
you taught me penance and I perceived it to be
my sole purpose and the sole remedy that will save me
before I go insane

the day is new
we play darts with knives and we’re neck to neck again
winner takes all
it’s been our tradition ever since the fall
how could I possibly need somebody so much?
why am I still here?
no, you taught me to never question
the day is new but you are a staple in my life
one that I could never live without
I’m stuck with stilts on solid ground

the day is new
sometimes I wish the day will never end
the day is new
maybe it’s time we stop the play pretend
the day is new
the room is spinning
the curtains are falling
the windows apart
a distant sweet churning
the sound of your heart
maybe it’s chaotic
but maybe it calms me
the sound of wares crashing
threats thrown again
the day is new
but these habits stay the same
the day is new
so overused it’s nauseating
I double down on this disastrous misery
who am I to call you a fiend?
I’m no villian yet not quite angel again

the day is new
I dispose of yesterday’s prey
and reload
for today’s new hunting and today’s new game

Lamentations and a trigger
Questions and closed walls
Loneliness is a dark place to be
When you're a riptide in the sea

We are the hunters and the terror
And we give ourselves away
To every strobe that once brought euphoria
Cascade into the darkness of the day

At gunpoint no lies survive
As they walk the weary wastelands
As you think dog days are over
Knives find peace in hollow hearts

Darts and an anchor
Death by December
Sealed with a kiss and
Promise to deliver
Roses thriving on the remains of the night
Trampled by a stampede of prides
Crags that congregate for catharsis
Fossilised into the ground

Dusk and dawn
Dust and pawns
Lust and taunts
And we give ourselves away

One December morning I found my feet in the deep water
After a storm
As I brewed and brewed trouble
In the form of marble shards
In the innards of a porcelain cup
The holy grail of languor
Skin meets teeth
Placidity greets
Habits die hard
Victims live vicariously
Through rose-tinted glasses
Waiting to be saved
Sinners can't be brave
Like broken ocean waves

The darkest days are over
So rejoice
For the worst is yet to come
But there is silence
Silence in our downfall

Even with nine suns arising
Caressing the canvas that shrouds the clouds
Even as the firmaments fade to black
Sinners can't be brave
Sinners can't be brave
And we need someone to save us all

Save me
Here I lie beneath the rubble
With my mind in a mess
And my heart in a storm
Save me
Before I become brave again

If only you knew
The poems I wrote about you
Every gaze left unrequited
Every time you rustled the leaves in this garden
And I had to turn myself invisible
Because I could not let myself love you
Because I knew you'd never love me back
Not in the way I wanted you to

Fall comes and I hurt
Sights of couples stacked on benches in parks
Even the leaves collide more consciously than ever
But here I am still
Pinning for a touch

Here I am sitting in your car
Watching the windscreen wipers go left and right on this rainy Sunday afternoon
If only you knew
How oppugnant my mind was too

Even the trees dance
Even the trees dance?
Even the trees dance!
I warned myself not to get into this trance
Even on the nights you wrap your arm around my shoulder when I'm hardly myself I know
Nothing warm is gold
And it will not stay

Even when you brought me away from the fangs of the safari
Even on the dusks you've saved me I know
All you do is tie
And cut
And tie
And cut
Our strings
And how well I played the fool to all your tricks

But you will never know
You will never know
Like the tattoos on your back that you will never read
Like the airs I feign that you will never breathe
Because you will never
See the way I look at you
When you turn the other cheek
With your eyes on someone else

I wish I was different so that you could learn to love me

Just words hanging in the air now
A comical portrait of self-destruction when I look back at the words I've written
So necessary
Fringing on insanity
Harping on a monster without wings

Still I had the last laugh when I
Played the fool to play you now these
Scratch marks mar the charms of your tattoos

But you'll never see them just as how you'll never see the ink I bled for you

I am tired of writing love songs about you

Because they do not work
Because I cannot bring myself to summarise the hurt
When it's greater than just words

I traced your lips with my fingertips
As you held my neck and drowned me

I tried to keep the bubbles in my hands
For the day you'd come drown me again
Funny how a heart so small
Could wreck such treacherous trouble

Will you hold me closer?

When you say 'sing me a song'
And I think it's because you love it

But you were right all along
You were in love with my need
A need for something more than greed
And I could not play along

So the songs sounded the same
Because all we had was a blank page
Blander than a desert tongue
Will you hold me closer?

And still I begged
Because it is all I know to do
I crashed walls through
Just to get to you
A fool a fool a fool
I played for you

I turned tipsy as the world went spinning round and round in psychedelic swabs
Liquor after liquor
Anesthesia
Only brings out pain
I gave in
Because it is all I know to do
In a dark place full of wastrels waiting for love

Will you hold me closer?

I came here
Ready to regret
A little revelry to rock the bland away

Yet how far could I run with your clutches round my neck?

I tore up the pieces of paper
That I wasted all on you
Happier times
Haughtier lies
I tore up all the words I gave to you

No more poetry for the first time your lips touched mine
Or how you playfully pushed me by the seaside
The days before you showed your wicked side

No more circles with endless lines
Here I'm staring at the blank page right before my eyes
Ready to rewrite

What was life like
Before you?

Your eyes meet mine amd smile

One last time
Will you hold me closer?

1:11am:

in my lungs you breed a pale disease
you are even in the air I breathe

3:29am:

heart in half chasing electronic dreams in technicolour screams
your claws in my teeth as I drown out my whims

3:45am:

and all the nights I spent lying in the freezer
and all the little lies we wasted telling each other
and even as you left I had not come around
I was the reckless wrecking havoc on wicked ground

4:59am:

last night I was flying around
dazed and dazed and dazed all over
awaiting my jewelled crown
adorned with the prestige of an empire

even in a new cage I could not throw you out

5:27am:**

even as the sun rises surely troubles stay the same
even if you came back now I would gladly play your games
even after all this while all the daze you left me in

still you are imperial and my grailed heart it shakes like porcelain

There were flowers
On the day she left him
Fanfare echoed
Against every corner of the room
There was silence
In a sea of sound
And for once
She felt unbound

She was free
And so was he
Two strangers
Side by side
There was silence
In a sea of sound

Minuscule we are
Yet grand we choose to be
To love with our hearts
Locked in cages
To keep it on a leash

The day we lose our lucency
For singularity
As free as Viper's ocean
Of mist and disbelief
A lighthouse breaks the silence
As loud as light can be

There were flowers
In the courtyard
There were flowers
In the breeze
There were flowers
Down the aisle the day
They swore to never leave
There were flowers
On the day one left
And none could be the same
Growing violently towards the sun
Always on the run

There were flowers on her deathbed
Petals washed back to the shore
Running back in bloom and gore
Like they'd never done before

There were flowers in his hand
On the day their love turned ten
Yet she never got to see them
And his words laid in the hang

Thwarted by dwarfs
I am the patron saint of benevolence
I am the eye of the emerald stone
I am the long road from dusk to dawn
I am alone

Hunted by rabbits
I am the crucifixion of sin
I am Judas who lets liars win
The sailboats come in
And even in a storm of solemn sailors
I am alone

Black roses devour me
Ephemeral lungs that I have but cannot keep
The coffins scream
Havoc comes running like salt to a stream
Distance is perched on a stream, waiting
Eye to eye we look but never see
You like a shadow of a romanced daydream
And me
Lowly
Neanderthal
Spirit

Foxtrot
Darling you never liked to dance
You spoke words
You spoke words that set dead feet to dancing
Encumber me to never let the wolves in
Freely I chained my dead veins to your skin
Now I stand grieving
Like a corpse rising
Strange clouds once demure now poisoned like ivy
Deadly

Ivory
You scratched your fingers down my spine
To make you mine
Bring on the great flood
And untangle your bones from my blood
Wicked vines
Crippled times
Crooked lines
Sounding as same as your lies
All that darkness for the sake of losing you from my mind
From the inside

Carthage
Here comes the end
Fence up forgiveness you'll do it again
Never a friend
The water's rising
My feet are failing
You shake out my sins like a ghost in a garden

Daring to try
Until the day you slit a sword
And called me yours
Darling

I remember the thunder
Cascading down your spine
The night that you told me
Our love was now all mine

I remember a bang
Then nothing else
I watched you
The magician
Work your last trick
And out from your hat
A serpentine

How could I not have heard the cries
How could I not have read the signs
Howling wolves come late at night
Procure their next delight

I was a paper plane
And you were the eye of the hurricane
I was a skeptic slip
And you were the robe beneath my feet
I was a butterfly with a fear of falling
And so you clipped my wings

You were the ink
Spread out on sheets of unused paper
Line after line
Stroke after stroke
Vestal canvas
Tainted over time

Now I grab your fingers
Now I run away
Now I'm swirling in slabs of sapphire
Falling wave after wave

Now I'm crouched beneath my sink
Crying
Now I load old pills in my gun
Take aim
And fire
Cremate all of
My desire

Now I walk on all fours
Primal
Sleeping on the debris
Of my defeat

And watch you sheathe your two front teeth to taint your next great masterpiece

Save me

I am the chandelier falling deeper and deeper
I am the rubble born out of the friction between love and lust
I am the lovechild of gold and dust
I am falling

My sides crack
Enlarged wrinkles
Clandestine fracks

Spare me from the crooked stares of the pixies in the dark
Innocent and untainted
Guiltless and untrapped

I am the disjointed words wrecking havoc between your lips
I am the dark circles underneath your cheeks
I am the flaws that you see in the mirror
At 3 in the morning
Free from disguise but
Wrapped up in sin

I am the poet who brews trouble
Just to fill my canvas with stormy weather
I am the lover who knows not who sleeps beside me
Because that does not matter
Long as this bed for two is occupied
By an else that I can thread
Two strings need not be attached
Long as warmth finds itself on my shoulder
Care not to whom warmth belongs

I am the ship without a name
Sailing freely and untamed
I will tame the sallow seas
Else I would have lived in vain
I am passion with a ransom and a devil on my back

I am
I am

Save me

restrictions we seek
to follow every word
given unto us by the
ones who seek a rule
relentlessly they go
boldly against every
system of convention
for a simple selfish
reason for a greater
accomplishment there
is no overcoming the
odds that stand in a
fight against us but
time will tell truth
and soon light shall
be shed on the shade
that veils our minds
and dystopia will be
overthrown boring by
boring brick and the
ruined shall rise in
triumphant waves now
we have won the final fight tonight

Regarding this sin that I do not speak about
Yet is silence a granted blessing?
Silence works both ways for us
Putting faith together
And breaking noise apart
For seventeen years I lived mum
But on the eighteenth one summer drum
Rang the sound of an epiphany
And jubilation came in voice singing
Love is still love after all

Regarding this sin that throws people off
Yet why is that so?
Why is it easier to look up for divinity
Than it is to look past differences
For difference is not sin
Are you bathed in flames for being
Different from your kin?

Regarding this sin some lives have been lost
And anonymity gives ****** a helping hand
But most flawed are those who pretend
To be a sheep in a lion’s den
To don the crown of power and speak
On the behalf of their conqueror
Yet no thorns to the head they suffered
And for them it is easier
To be vile than to pass vows
Funny how difference
Can be similar in so many ways

Regarding this sin are we not all human?
And conflations have been made about this
And poetry spun with lexis that runs
The course of skeletal rivers
Lungs that breathe in purple air
Eyes that tear at the sight of hatred
Lips that just want to be loved
And skin that warms at every touch
But senses do not prevail
Against the laws that trap these sinners
And heaven knows that schadenfreude has been attained
At their expense
For we omit them almost entirely
Till the moment they are drowning
But us quiet sobbing sinners
Shall exist in different ways

Regarding this sin what more is there to be said of it if we have run the course of debate but yet nothing ever changes?
Perhaps expositions such as these to start
We must be less afraid to speak
Less afraid to show the love we choose
But then again

Did we?

Regarding this sin you have so labelled
Are you fit to give us names?
All our dog-gone days are over
We were not the first to be made
And neither
Shall we be the first to be torn down
Running gets tiresome when you
Are constantly playing a game of hide
And seeking to be found
But patience is the toughest waiting game
And
With faith beyond reasonable doubt we know

Love is still love after all

Where then lies the beauty of a moment
If it does not last?
Though a neck craned easily
Can appreciate the beauty of this sky
Regal
Like lilac wine
Yet the sky soon fades to black
As do all things
Rust
Soon the moon shall rise
As spirits sink
And some others are poured in glasses
We have this liquor as an anchor for the soul
Firm and secure
Gripping tales of gripping hearts
Yet this too shall pass
Feelings fade to ancient lust
Cycles come and fade to art
History is a contrived archive of the past
Repeated routines of things that go

Slowly dying like your roses in my vase
But enough of false pretense
Today my love for you
Ends

Disappointment comes in futuristic forms
It is the
Realisation that
I will never breathe the oxygen
of the Arctic
Or what is left of it
And it comes in waves
I see myself swimming
In oceans that I will never come to touch
Buildings that I will never come to climb
People that I will never come to meet
Between plane rides I hop
From trajectory to trajectory
Losing myself
Out cold in this cowardly world I crave
For a little stability
For I know neither
What
Nor
Who
I love
Any longer
And mysteries such as these
Shall wreck confusion like thunder
A storm blows though I have no sight for it
And life goes on as usual
I see the world in film and grain
Assisted vision that brings me closer
But to stand on these fields
Uninhibited
Will that remain a vision too?
Adventure calls and I await
But machiavellian blocks they tumble
There is no pride in living
One day at a time
But time after time it seems
Choice is not on our side
And some dreams that you have will just
Never come to be
So you sit and wait for life
And you start to play with fire
Till the lonely harp in the labyrinth starts to break the strings of time

Glass that is shattered
Is not broken
And hope
Is anything but lost

Child you
Must learn the difference
Between the end of a chapter
And the extension of it
One that begets colourful depictions
Of the future that is yet to come
A future that you must not discolour
Simply because it is contrary to expectations

Throw yourself into the sea
And swim with daggers
Let yourself be surrounded by danger
In no other way shall your spirit be developed
In no other way shall you learn

You may shed tears
And that is permitted
For you are human
And sadness is inevitable
But cry only once for the future you envisioned
Gone up in flames
And cry twice
In joy
For the one that I have put in place of the old one
One that needs a twist or two in the road to get there
But who shall grumble about the road to paradise
When it is a worthwhile road like none another
Oh, the places you will go

Some may see this decree as torture
As an impediment on brighter days
But you shall not
For you have heard the news
And no time shall be wasted
On aimless rumination
The unknown is not to be feared
For it is unknown only by you
And the master of the blueprint
Has everything long set in stone

Shattered glass shall never hurt you
Though it comes in torrents
And pierces through skin like a mindless murderer
Protection is always around the corner
Waiting to dart at every necessary moment
Against your adversaries

So live on and live bravely
For danger shall not hurt you
Danger exists in many ways
And the devil is always at work
With morbid Machiavellian honour
Making sure that ships
Shall never sail to shore

Play the game well
And play your cards right
The king and queen yet conquered
And neither should your might
Hold fast to what you live for
And don't let love lose sight

New paths shall make their way to you
New doors open to tides
So live with highest glory
And never once begrudge
For you were born for reasons
Fire don't lose your light

And in the end these tangled knots shall find themselves untied

Life is the riddle that you will never solve
A multitude of complexities weaved together
By the black widow of good hope
With a dash of unmoderated uncertainty
As you find yourself toeing the line
Between sadness and happiness
Life is that simple riddle without an answer

Life is the nights you remember best
Being up at 4am
Making a home within your cozy corners
Eager to escape
Eager to belong
But too afraid to try

The rules of life govern it as such
And sometimes we are privy to its restrictiveness
And we are not as free as we think we are
But time bends
The laws of life
And patience
Is the greatest reward of all

Extensive ruminations on life are futile
Life is as volatile as it is big
And we are best left guessing
Our magician's next trick
Some things are hidden just to be found
Some things you see it
And then you

Right from the day you were born
With a treasure chest strapped to your back
You knew
That our secrets did not define us
Secrets do not deny trust
But secrets
Secrets could defy guns
So when you **** a man and set him on his bed

You lie

For it does not matter
Which side of the story they buy
The words are to blame
It is their fault they sound the same
And we trust too much the rhymes we hear
For they crystallise us
But metal belies meaning
And only rust
Rust can uncover the truth
Before the ticking clock betrays us
Until the day you die
With the cluster bomb strapped to your-

Blasted back
The day you realise
Lies set us apart
And in between life and death
'Lies-'

I went without breathing for days
Days after I was alone
Because I craved for a status quo
I craved for millenniums to stop turning
And I craved for the birds outside my window
(Oh those ****** birds)
To stop chirping
There is beauty in such stillness that no one else will comprehend
Much-needed stillness after nights of revolution
The sputnik in my brain is going places
But all I want
Is stability
For once in awhile

I looked in the mirror
And combed my hair the other way
And that was the most changed
I had engineered in days
I tossed my coins
To make decisions
And I lived on leftovers
From the previous summer season

Loneliness came in like a platinum plugger
And I shut my doors for days
I left logic on my front porch
And it grew tired of breaking in
I tried to throw caution to the wind
But I was careful to nail my windows shut

And so I lived within myself for periods
Not the person I used to be
And admired how the birds could always chirp
With such
Vigour
Unlike
Me

How to live the next 365 days:

10 days
To remember how it feels like to begin again
33 days
Of non-consecutive sadness that you never asked for
56 days
Of exploration
For your compass is a ticking clock
Go places and meet faces
Nothing found without a loss
200 days
Of mindless rout(in)e
Drowning in a system of (ter)ror
A mechanism of much (lac)k
But there is sanity in rigidity met(ed)
(And reckless will come)
12 days
Of alone time
Once a month
31 days
In December
Waiting for the next year to come
20 days
Of trying to go for a run
3 days
Without seeing the face of the sun
And 365 days
To discover yourself

365 days
Of ticking boxes
But before that
Cross out the resolution in its 5th year running
And accept that some things
Are just not meant to be
365 days of contentment
With yourself and your surrounding
For nothing shall call you victim
And lastly
365 days of loving
Whoever they are and whatever it is
Because no feeling in the world
Is better than this

Growing up
They tell us two
Things at the same time
To enjoy our childhood but
Also to become adults as fast
As we possibly can and we ache
From the failures that shouldn't be
And the lines that slowly weave through
Our foreheads give away our inclining age
Life is a sordid battle of sorts and an awkward
Amalgamation of feelings without names and people
Who come and leave when they fancy and trust is all it takes
To make and break a person standing on the edge of the sea line
Waiting to dive headfirst into the unknown because ignorance is bliss
And nights contemplating death are few and far between but they do exist
But feelings exist for no raeson and reason is an unwarranted current
For we strive too strongly to incite logic into everything we know
And strip ourselves of reckless decisions for solemn strictures
What if we left our feelings alone and accept that they
Unlike us will never be gone and wrecked or ever torn
Life is the awkward waiting game for the end
And that will come soon enough
But till then we must live
Fully and greatly
Rush not and
Hold on
Tight

I am the flipper
Rejection of shots
And I don't hurt when I dig deep
And I go underground

I am
'Good with words'
yet words seldom ever seem to fall out
Of my flippant mouth

I am nothing that I wish to be
Borderline rambunctious
And my thoughts constantly spill over
When I spout in a crowd

Flipper is flippantly
Objecting
Objectify me now
I am the silent breather that never sends chills down your spine
Yet you wonder if my calling
Has gone overtime

Flipper speak
Flipper be gone
Flipper take shelter
Flipper don't make a sound

Flipper give you best smiles
Flipper win all their hearts
Flipper give them charisma
Flipper keep all your darts

Flipper tires from trying now
Rusting with time
Have I let my guard down
Or am I at last
Feeling fine?

Call it anxiety
Call if whatever you wish
C'mon call it an excuse
Isn't it brilliant to use?

Flipper: better or worse?
Flipper sets off a fuse
Flipper takes over mind
Flipper takes over news

Hush now stories are dry
For you let Flipper in
Build your walls up so high
Just to keep our your sin

Yet
Humans do lie
Courage comes from within
Sometimes it pays to hurt when you let your heart win

Darling tell me why you
Kept my hopes up for two whole hours
From sunrise to sunset
Neither of which we ever got to see
Together because you were too afraid
And so was I
Of something we didn't even know of
Then again one-sided tales seldom last
Fire and gun seldom match
Just like us
But I pulled out every emotion I knew
And all you did was to give the cold shoulder
Tell me what is worthless about me
I'd gladly listen
That beats leaving without a trace
And tension without reason
And I begged myself to let go
Till the one day you returned
Came back like a gift on New Year's
Made me think the tides had turned
Still again your disappearing act relapsed
You left me lonely with an urn
But maybe all this trying ends here
Maybe this is not what I need
Losing myself for a stranger
Smashing barriers out of greed
Maybe patience is the puzzle piece
To lock this labyrinth
Lovers come and strangers leave
Maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much if I had loved my skin

Crossroads may break ties
Or patch hearts

And as we go our separate ways
When shall we meet again?
With nothing but a map in our palms
And eagerness in our hearts
The time that passes with each passing
Is slow to end though quick to start

Half-world travellers
And wanderlust
Will we still carry
The same old dust?
The stains that plague us
Though we abhor them
Against our own will
Define us

Laughter lines
Italicised
And bolded underlines
Slowly time affixes its mark on us
And the creases make a path

Even then as days of past
Will spirit still be stayed?
When we endeavour to change our paths
Will we find our way back home?

The light is on
As always is
And hope is keeping vigil
Some shall never return
And even if they do
Things change
And feelings pass

The glory days
Have come and passed
And we will never be
As golden as we were
Time can never bring us back
To remedy our wreck

Can we ever move forth
With the lingering longing for the past
To relive days of serendipity
And to find the people we lost along the way
That only begged us to stay

Bravest is the soul
Who can master the tides of past and present
And forge on with nostalgia at the back pushing
While running into the imminent unknown

Perhaps transience is inevitable
But so shall transcendence be
Happiest are the souls
Who are full of hope and vigour

And though crossroads they break apart
Perhaps we'll meet elsewhere afar

Memory is a beautiful thing, is it not?
Nostalgia works in ways
You'll never understand
Innocence
Lost, true
But yet
When I fix eyes with my own in the mirror now
I know
That it used to house innocent intelligence
Days when my simplest of worries
Were counting from one to ten
And my demons could never banish me
To be a mongrel in a lion's den

Staring at the family portrait
I am reminded of days without organisation
The door is half open
Our smiles are half ready
Our clothes are unironed
Buttons unbuttoned
The mantlepiece is overflowing with mess
And even the painting on the wall is crooked
But behind it
Subtle lies
For it was never straight
And for years, misguided disbelief
Like a mimer ****** to sing

Those eyes stare back at me now
The sparkle in those eyes
Never let anyone dull that sparkle
Sparkle is hardly a bad thing at all

Isn't it funny how the world stays constant
Yet time changes us all?
Time slowly charges
To prepare us for the fall
Time comes disguised as wrinkles
Turns a leap into a crawl
And before long we are lonely
Hearts curled into a ball

Growing up you must have realised
That the world is strangely
Not what it seems
All the lies that you've been fed with
Now are bursting at the seams
And when gold is not all that glitters
Truth evades ears like a breeze

Living in paradise lost
Watching fires fight the frost
Feed your loved ones with the lies they want and watch them hurt the most

One night as I crept into bed
And said a deafening prayer
With a heavy head
And mightless weight
I thought about how I'd aged

Flashbacks of childhood days
Began to take small shape
Things I thought I'd long forgotten
Began to return in little ways

With the company of the lightning
Oh what a calamity it was
So calming yet damning
For I knew it was for me
Some transgressions need to be tranquilised

At once I became a tinker in a forest
Lost beyond comprehension
Like the child that I never was
With the happiness I never lived

Delirium slowly takes over as
The pills begin to take effect
I have always wondered
How such little contraptions
Could do so much damage to our bodies
Wreck it entirely
And leave us frothing for a second chance

And as I ruminated at length
As my mind darted from tree to tree
I began to wonder
How I came into existence
And a little satisfaction as I thought
'Why me?'
Oh nights like these
Can leave you hanging
When questions have no answers
To be seen

As the flashbacks ended so too did the lightning
Though thunder stayed to remind me
That wrath and wreckage will deliver
What courage cannot make quit

For years on end I
Traipsing on ropes as thin as these
Living on a trampoline
But what if delusion blinds
And there is no one at the end of the string
And as I hit the ground
Blood smashes me piece by piece
And loudly I chide myself
For my lack of belief
Where is all the hope I used to have?
Though I never was doe-eyed
Nor ever claimed to be
But innocence lost is tantamount
To the human spirit's defeat

And here I lay
Hands clasped
On my chest
How I remember the last time I ever wished so badly
For recovery
How I threw caution to the wind
And expected to be protected
So recklessly
The last time I envisioned
How my funeral might be
Will I be clutching roses?
Will I die without anyone knowing?
Will the silent screams of the sea
Overshadow all my grief?
Or will there be none
As I leave smiling
Happier than I have ever been
And to these thoughts there are no answers
To such wild dreams no reality
My heavy head was not wired
To ever ruminate so deeply

In the span of 20 minutes
I saw my life flash past me
Perhaps not because I was about to lose it
But for the sake of reminding me
That of all the things that can be lost easily
Life
Has most melee
And we are taking so many things for granted
As if they're guaranteed
As if our heart is build to last
In our ribs of helix steel

And this night most of all
I decided I was going to live freely
In the new life that soon awaits me
To be who I need to be

And these pills that foremost mean to heal will guide me into sleep

The moon shakes our embrace
One last time
And for the last time
Our parting shall be sweet
Though our hearts are far
From complete
But grant me one last request
Though I cannot love you again
Let me love you
Like I did before we met

Do we surely become strangers
Like two lines that'll never meet
As they converge for once forever
Then split to smithereens
Like the veins that form our hearts
So widespread
That defects are hard to spot
When one fails to function
Who shall serve to see?
One to many like our loving
Who's to say we won't deplete?

So the next time that we meet
Do we act like strangers incomplete
As if love had never happened
It was just a time of greed
Greed to love and to be loved
Triggered all these thoughts of folly
We were blinded by the kind deeds
Born out of desire to keep

Now you too shall let me go
Like the ones that left before
Before twilight starts to set in
And we break our words once more
Before deliberation breaks the pace
And we concur with objections raised

Walk away from madness brooding
Walk away from penchant gloom
All these flowers will stop blooming
As if warning us of doom

Till all our transgressions come clean
We are faulty to play judge
Of whose love (or lack of) was culprit
That brought about this great downfall

The next time we love we fill ourselves
With reassurance to start over

But you never really do forget
The lips of your first lover

Your love is one that does not age
Like the lilac wine that blossoms Into a beauty over time

Time and timelessness will bind
The vines of this enchantment

A dichotomy so intertwined
Like the asphalt in the ocean
As we float above the waters
In ceaseless beating motion

Our dispositions secure
We live in spates of wake
In homes built with our hearts
We bend but do not break
In a distant possibility
Perhaps an ending looms
Though ours is no exception
We love what we can take
Of smiles and half-creased wrinkles
Of tears and jumping lakes
These ribs protect intrusion
But lungs are built to fail
Yet though the heart is naked
Fragilities prevail

I love you with the ticking
Of clocks that won't rewind
For the first time you left me
Our cross became a line

3am; I look out the window and all I see
Are lights - my one and only company

But these lights are unlike me
They never have to worry about blowing out
Because they do and they will
And I wish that I, too, would fade away somehow
To belong with the tender imagination of my swollen skin
Or even a nightmare
Give me one of these
Give me all of them
Anything but the blank limbo of nightspeak
The loud voices in my head that break the silent peace
Long before the call of the first free wing
Signaling the rising of the sun
And the dark of the day to come

4am; I am dancing with my devils
No longer counting sheep
There is futility in savouring
A darkness we cannot keep

5am; I am battered beyond belief
Swollen wounds and sunken cheeks
As if my fists were made for this

6am; I awake from consciousness
With bones that feel too heavy
I watch the last star flee
And wait for the cycle to repeat

What has become of us
Amidst the hustle and bustle of city life
When did evolution condone us to regress into a state
Of uncalculated caucus
As we meander our way through the rapids of life

Rapid
Is hardly a best-fit descriptor
For we are past the point of speed
We mill around like headless horses
Buzzing bees
Stinging roaches
Fallen leaves
Roaring lions
Try to lead
But fail
Like cottons fighting breeze

Is this all we are?
Is this what we were made for?
To quickly climb the climb
And await the graceless fall
Parachutes prepared for praise
But our pride prevents and prevails

Till the day I climb the ladder
Shall I not attempt to see
What the view at the top might be like
I fear it enthralls me
But then reality strikes like a maddening blaze
And suddenly I see
That I'm well on my way up the hill
As I swing from bridge to bridge

Is this the way to live?
Uncautious steps with kleptomaniac ease
As we take what we desire
From our capitalistic divider
Though we hate to be the same
Not at all do we differ
Are we not all blinded mice
With a tetra-human vice
Spiders apt at spinning lies
Banking life on Friday highs

All around me boring beasts
Lost to whims, to say the least
What I fear most is the day
I give in and join the race
Is the day I eat my heart out
Just to enjoy the highest gaze

Till then here trapped in the zoo
Enclosure encasing truth

Finding fault with every human till the day I conform too

I knew you were different
Right from the moment you wondered
Why the Sun had to come up
Everyday
Religiously
And sacrilegiously
When darkness had such beauty

As the world looked on in amusement
At how you went against the grain
I knew all of the reasons
Every fibre of your brain

Everytime you stopped to admire
The things that went unseen
Like the bubbles in the river
As they smashed to smithereens

As you spoke in tongues so similar
To the ones I didn't give
I knew you were building barriers
From the people who couldn't read

The people you knew
Would never see your world
And still love you the same
Would shut their windows from you
And leave the way they came

A different one to call love
A different way to sin
So crude and void of self-worth
A king and not a queen
Arrest the fallen angel
You almost heard them say
The baby in the manger
Shall not atone such sin

But heed not what their mouths say
They're not the one who made
You full of imperfections
The potter without clay
Made gardens without rangers
Raised demons from the dead
No soul without a soldier
Shall come between this faith
This rock across all ages
For bloodshed has been laid

So child when you next quiver
How shall I comfort thee
Shall I sing unto you a theme
Of calming clemency
As clemency shall not be given
For none there needs to be
Now speak these words of wisdom
From bare to arid lands
And spread these words you've listened
To each and every man

The next time you go thinking
That all of hope is lost
Just bear in mind the promise
Borne for you at the cross

We were like broken skins
Tatter tales
Smithereens
Smashing perfect
Broken seams
Flashing splinters
Cut our lips
But we will never bleed

Hold my hand
In this instant
Sing me deep
A lullaby of finished dreams
Slit me in
We cut the sins we cannot clean
We do not sleep

In the stars
I see our rings
Half dust and broken links
Creator of broken things
Chalice of golden limbs
Promises released

You to keep
Locked away in a grid of greed
The darkness screams
Let her be
And I concede

You to lose
Everyday
I wish I hadn't seen
The way you looked at him
And not at me
We breathe
But never breed
We leave
We cut the sins we cannot clean
Until the red turns green

Deep in the silence that cannot speak
There is a sadness that blooms and breathes
Battered by twigs and fallen leaves
Lungs of air thin and bristle ribs
Blossoms of dark trajectories
Skeleton figures in submarines
Drowning in lies of jubilee
Halos to hold to sink or swim
Beauty in scars of skin cut deep
Loving the thrill of broken swings
Capsuled in valleys far from dreams
Living on salt and crystalline
Lucidly slipping on ice so thin
Autumn in winter summer springs
Nomads run free on vast prairies
Flowing through veins of tributaries
Tasting the new blood on their lips
Lining a cusp between their hips
Blade descends slowly tongue in cheek
Building a palace with their twin teeth

Deep in the silence that cannot speak
There is a sadness that blooms and breathes
Sadness in brooding symphony
Sadness in chants of majesty
Sadness that rises like morning glory
Sadness that flourishes like a disease
Tracing our bones from link to link
Constellate like stars and planet rings
Sadness that thrives on melancholy
And the synthesis of metal and skin

Cover up
So they can't see the scars
Oh foolish child
To think that they
Would bother anyway

Welcome to the garden
Of forbidden fruit
Caring is costly
And happiness is *****

Don't ask
They'll never see the scars
Don't tell
You're a blasphemy from hell

Life goes on
The moon proceeds
With its waxes and wanes
Ice grows thin
But yet it does not break

Trapped in a crowd
Of soulless faces
Didn't they ever tell you
Continuity is the opposite of change?

Oh foolish child
You never learn
And once again
The silver burns

Not pain that begets memory
But joy from trapped blood being set free

Not skin that never will be stitched
But velvet pools and satin strings

The silver burns
You love it so
Now wonder what
If they could know

You'd think they'd say
'Always be there'
But child oh child
They do not care

You'd beg for queries
In the most subtle way possible
But child oh child
They do not care

You'd sell your soul
To Lucifer
But talk is cheap
And you're not cold enough

To cut off all ties
Fallen in the ornate web of lies
Intricately spun
But the Black Widow is on the run

And then you see your face
On the underside of the blade
Look how far you've run
Toward the monster you've become

Not a devil of dark descent
But a storm
Well-hidden by the cascade of clouds
You're a hologram with a heart

And the cycle repeats itself
Butterfly with broken wings
Skeleton of stealth
Risen from the broken links

Lost in translation
Awaiting a pilgrimage to Hades
The petal that dries before it blossoms
Eternally anticipating its turn

Oh foolish child
You never learn
And once again
The silver burns

It is fragile
It is us
Teetering on broken glass
Figure skater pointed blade
As we draw our figure eights
Figure eight is what it seems
It is inverted infinity
Infinity is a new life
But from birth we live to die
Figure skater lies in wait
Till the day last grace is said
Figure skater life in traipse
Figure skater draws last eight
Though the funambulists unite
Figure skater falls from grace
Charting vulnerable territory
Thinking glass will never break
Then the grand tribune arrives
Figure eight is half a piece

And I never fully understood the gravity of life
Until I watched somebody leave

And we sit here pouring:
Tea into our porcelain cups
Our hearts out to each other
Lift burdens from our porcelain hearts

We look at people passing
And wonder where they go
If all the rushing strangers
Are real or just for show

The maddening crowd it thickens
The waves are here again
I'm drowning in existence
Your hand is all I hold

You tell me that you're cold dear
I offer you in zest
The knitted sweater that I have
That keeps warmth in my chest

You kindly shake your head
And demand for something warmer
I carefully rest your head
And fix it on my shoulder

These bones of mine
They do not
Offer much protection
But rest assured
That they will
Lift off all your tension

'Is December coming early?'
You wonder as if true
And rub our palms together
While coldly the wind blew

December was not yet due
But the end was indeed near
I sieve your hair with my hands
Like leaves with morning dew

Trickling, so did the rain
As we hid beneath the heat

Seated under the cafe lights
That light up me and you

Six feet beneath the stars
And inches apart
The distance between our lungs
Can be measured by the thumps of my heart

The brilliance of the sky
It’s as if the stars rejoice for us
And somewhere constellations loom
Bewitching even non-believers’ hearts

Nocturnes be played by orchestras
In this vast prairie of growing vines

Flickering lights shine bright again
A perfect vision of a lullaby

Just two lovers
And a million stars
A billion stars

Whoever dareth shepherd the stars?
Even four eyes are barely enough
To overlook a sky so vast

A quiet wonder strikes a chord
What be contained within these stars?

Of hopes and dreams and promises
Crackled reminders of times that past
Like flames that burn on and on and on
And laser beams from heaven’s guns
An incandescent symphony
An elegy sung in harmony
A love story without a twisted plot
These stars make tragedy come to nought

Serenity on high but yet how loudly
These stars shine for us, ever so fondly

Just two lovers
Six feet beneath
A million
Billion
Stars

Nights like these
Accompanied by the howling
Not of the wind
But of my cranium
Slowly caving in
We are swayed constantly
Like willows in the breeze
From perception to perception
Until we know not
Who we are anymore
What is to be believed?
Who is the enemy?
My thoughts have long formed legs
Not two, nor four, but plenty
But more is not always merry
They struggle to keep their balance
But fail
So I am
Traipsing with tangled feet
C l e a r
M y
M i n d
For me
Please
Buy me sympathetic placidity
Buy me apathetic innocence
Buy me antipathetic ignorance
Anything but what I am now
Would be good
I dream of blue lakes and clear skies
But do they really exist?
I sleep in a labyrinth
And wake up
To the hustle and bustle of escapees
We are all but only human
We are lost souls
We are amateurs grabbing tightly
To the manual of How To Live
While concurrently
Playing God
As if we are all that holy
I know not what I am
I know not what we all are
I sleep in a labyrinth
And I awaken
To a stampede
Of people rushing back and forth
In a desperate bid to reach the top
But the way out of the labyrinth
Is not the top
Is it?
Perhaps I am too easily shaken
Too vulnerable for my own good
But I could grapple with the notion of self-control
And perhaps I really should

What is beauty?

Does it hide in obscure places?
Does it dance to symphony?
Does it tease its own existence
So close yet out of reach?

We spend our whole lives searching
For something we can see

To excavate the vision
We think would bring reprieve

But hold on for a minute
Tightly we lose our grip

What if the beauty we see
Is just a fantasy?

Perhaps to leave a mystery
Is clearer than it seems

That beauty may be measured
By invisibility

I cross my heart
With wrinkled fingers
Drenched in wasted time

I look around
All life is gone
The crowds are empty now

I set my eyes
Upon the throne
I failed to grace upon

And set on fire
All my hopes
Of gold and silver skin

I break the mirrors
With my soul
Of omnipotent black

Retreat to where
I most belong
With salt shards in the wind

Turn on the light

Don’t let the darkness consume you
As day takes over night

Turn on the light

Relying on your glow is not enough
Krypton is but a spark

Turn on the light

Not long before the monsters in your mind
Embrace you at your door

Turn on the light

Scintillation then nothing else
Slowly you’re losing sight

Turn-

But what for you ask?
It’s bright and I can see

Well look around
You’re not alone
Darkness has placed its cards

Spring is here
We move like willows in the breeze
Permanently fragile
But yet
Managing to hold on
Somehow

Summer is here
It is the era of passion
Of making love
Sheepishly
As the sun looks on
Berating our childish antics

Autumn is here
We bleed like leaves falling from a maple tree
Our colours change at chameleon speed
But tangerine is just
A whiter shade of ruby
Our love is weak

Winter is here
We trade places like Lunar and Solar do
Solitude chills us to the bone
But we are wrapped up in sheets – of each other’s skin
Two hearts
Are warmer than one

You watched me:

Live the life of a spark, always trying to be a flame
An act of quintessence, a folly void of blame
You burned your hands countless times whilst trying to suppress my sou
A burning string, from flames so bold, they almost felt like glittered gold

But how could I never have seen the cowardice in your eyes?
The anxiety from time to time that produced sweat so cold
I swear they would douse my fires
If they could touch me

You began to withdraw yourself
A recluse
A hermit
But I knew this was more than a gambit
This was not childlike epiphany
This was not a consequence of misery
You had known all along that I was disparate
But yet you acted in congruency with my antics

You are a whiter shade of your former self now
A hue so pale those who once knew you would never know you now
But I’m still a spark, the same old, disconsolate spark

And your sacrifice has been in vain
Ashamed, I am, for your reputation I swore to never taint

Break me into pieces
I volunteer
To cut my heart wide open
For your meticulous inspection
But leave my head alone
What thoughts inhibit there
No soul will ever know
When I die
I want to die with my thoughts
To bring them to my grave
And keep them with me
So no one has to see
The darkest demons
That inhabit my mind

We spend all our lives
Fighting intangible entities
That we forget
That our biggest nemesis
Resides in ourselves
And it can
Never
Be
Beaten

The sky was clear as day last night
Save for a few stray clouds in the distance
I saw a star
And then all at once, I saw many stars
They were all twinkling
In unison
As if the great design of nature
Allowed them to do only so
They were copious like sand
And I wished that I could grab them
And fill them in my hands
And I’ll always remember the night
That night one star led me to many
That night I saw the silver shimmer
From stars that could have died ages ago
But their shine has not changed one bit
Over the lightyears
That night the freckled sky
Was dotted with incandescent pebbles
That night the lilac sky
Enveloped all my worries
As I nosedived into the waters of my bed
With the stars
Watching over me

She owns my heart

In present tense
That statement doesn't hold

Back step by step
I watched her fade
As if I were a ghoul

Where are you going?
I called her out
But not a word she said

Just fear of loving
In her eyes
I wonder what I'd done

In silent shouts
We exchanged looks
A mystery unexplained

Till finally she
Cleared the air
And left me all alone

One's lonely
Too cold
Trees sway
Forlornly

I counted the steps
She took with her
But they weren't the only things
She did
With her my heart had gone away
And without I lay in daze

Should I love clouds?
But they prevent me
From seeing the sun

I wonder how it'd feel like
To put my hands out
And touch one

Are they soft as cotton candy?
Birds love to dance in them
Or do they disappear at touch?
And fade into thin air?

I wonder what they see
When they look down at me
A heart of opal black
So pale compared to them
I wonder if they mock me
But what right do they have?
They travel on a journey
Of transient tragedy

And since I started writing
The clouds have moved along
They're indistinguishable from each other
Was this the one I saw?

The day is quickly fading
The clouds are not as glowing
The moon waxing and waning
The firmaments fade to black

But what about the sun?
For all its splendour is worth
By day the clouds conceal it
By night it's somewhere else

So, should I love clouds?
But they prevent me
From seeing the sun