1  It's the strangest phase of your life EVER.

2. You're sort of transitioning into an adult but you're still very much a child at heart.

3. You start to take up multiple responsibilities - at school, at home, maybe a part-time job. And sometimes it can be overwhelming for you.

4. Pursuing an education takes a whole lot of work, no matter what type of course you take.

5. It’s also a privilege for many, so be thankful for that.  

6. People can be a handful. Some are literal pieces of ****. So know your battles; know when to engage and disengage.

7. Friends worth keeping are the ones who let you grow and flourish without having to be there 24/7.

8. Show kindness, no matter the circumstance. (Because kindness always wins!)

9. It's better to just stop thinking of what others think of you.

10. And gosh, stop judging yourself too hard.

11. Overthinking does ****. Take that leap of faith once in a while, you'll be fine.

12. You're already amazing, as is.

13. Sometimes the ones you love most are the ones who hurt you most.

14. Sometimes the ones you love most are the ones you hurt most.

15. You will fall. And you will fail. Over and over and over again.

16. And jatuh ha gedebuk gedebang tergolek terlantang into the furthest, deepest pit of the hole.

17. But somehow you’ll find yourself back up again. And somewhere along the way you realise it wasn’t that bad of a fall.

18. Then you realise there are so many things to be grateful for, Alhamdulillah. (and that you were just being a big *** whiny drama queen, exaggerating every little, minuscule thing all along)

19. Also, it’s okay to be sad, miserable and feel so alone once in a while. And boy oh boy you WILL cry like you’ve never cried before.

20. But that doesn’t make you a baby. It makes you stronger. Feelings and emotions are important and they do matter. You matter.

21. Despite it all, you’ll always have God. And that is the best part.

At 24,
I still don’t know who I am
and who I want to be,
I still get bouts of anxiety,
Still questioning my hopes, my faith, my identity

They tell me I’m smart, I’m pretty,
As if things get any more easy,
But the truth is I’ve never felt any of it,
Constantly reshuffling puzzle pieces that don’t fit,
Which part of me is smart when all I feel is clueless,
Which part of me is pretty when this face no longer lights up with hope,
When this heart just feels... incomplete

Things I dreamt of doing have become a distant reality,
I’ve lost track of time, writing poetry at two thirty,

Is this what growing up really feels like in this century?
A deadly pandemic, an economic downfall, a political mess, a vicious war-zone,
Too much of this turmoil and emotional complexities
For my head and heart to make sense on its own

Sometimes
I'd rather stay awake at night
To stare at ceilings
And think of you

To be blinded
by darkness
instead of seeing daylight,
To listen to the rhythmic squeak
of the old rotating fan
instead of the chirping birds,  
To find comfort
under the warmth of my blanket
instead of the warmness of sun

Sometimes
I stay awake at night
Just to feel alone
And think of you

Thoughts somehow became clearer
And music sounded so much better

I am still
In deep thought-
Wondering, how easy I’ve let you slipped
From my hands
And from my heart

--

Let’s take a step back
And recount the moments
Recollect the memories
Reminisce the good old days
And reassess this overnight decision I’ve impulsively taken

Let’s take a few more steps back
And remember the first time I met you
Back in high school
The first time I said hi
And thought you were cute

You were a plethora of my firsts
The first boy bestfriend I’ve ever had
The first boy to ever ask me out on dates
The first boy to talk to me on a daily basis
The first boy I ever liked…. Who actually liked me back

Undoubtedly,
You were my first love

I thought I loved you like I’d never love anyone else
I told you everything
Wrecked these walls I’ve sheltered from for so long
Just to hand you this little fragile heart of mine
Through the cracked linoleum and the broken glass windows
I gave you a golden ticket and an aerial view
To my world

And after two years,
In the end,
You did decide to return the favour
You trusted me enough
To let me enter this mystical world of yours
These two dimensions you seem to always get lost in
Those two roads diverged in a wood
That you can never seem to wrap your head around
and choose

As I write this,
I start to realise why and how I stopped loving you

I think I got tired
Of trying to pull you up
As you let yourself drown in the seas
of your undecided thoughts

I stopped loving you
The moment you say “I’m going to change”
But the next day you woke up
You put on the same old clothes
You took the same route
To the place that led you exactly back to where you once were

I got sick of
Saying the same things
Over and over again
Asking you to change
Only to expect nothing in return

Truth be told
As similar as we are as people
We live in worlds too distant apart
Your world is too foreign for me, too fast and scary
Whereas my world is too small and tightly guarded, all child’s play

As much as I’d want to love you
I can’t seem to do so
And if I could, I'd say this a million times to you

I truly am sorry.

I hope people will always remember me with good memories instead of the bad ones.

I hope people wont ever have to feel a loss when i'm no longer in this world.

I hope my grave will just be the layers of earth and nothing else that covers my lifeless self.

I hope the people that I love will always know how much they mean in my life.

I hope whatever I've done in this world is enough to be entitled to enter the doors of Jannatul Firdaus.

How is it that
People with money
Think they’re so powerful
High above everyone else
When the truth is
They’re only slaves
To nothing but
Numbers on paper

Guess it's back to being strangers again, huh?

No more nervously waiting for your texts
Telling me you're on your way here
And sneaking out the house and telling my parents
Pretty little lies, just to keep you all to myself

No more giggling and acting like teenagers in love
Stuck in our silly bubble, drifted from reality
Walking around in our matching green sandals
Being pretentious food connoisseurs and ****

Guess it's time to forget all the bits and pieces of you
The way you grin and scrunch your nose
Or when you stick out your tongue a funny way
When you're feeling that little bit of anxiety

Guess it's time to slowly erase the memory of us
And the way I always found it funny
Seeing your tall, bulky figure
Stay hunched like a little boy, in your tiny silver Kelisa

I guess it's finally time to say goodbye

Falling in love with the wrong person
can feel like you're moving backwards sometimes,
Bits and pieces of you you've lost along the way
They can be hard to salvage and make whole again

I don't believe time heals all wounds
Because when you decide to love someone
You will love them completely, unquestionably
Parts of them will have become parts of you too

But that's the thing
Life continues to cycle on and on, doesn't it?
You will heal, eventually you'll get better,
You will grow, someday you'll find a new her

Slowly and steadily,
One careful step after the other
You see brighter days ahead
Onwards you go, never looking back

I'd just like to know if maybe
All this while
I haven't been writing ****

Books and books
one after the other,
I shall let myself drown
in all its comfort and warmth,
and live vicariously through the lives
of these pretty paper people
that’s much more preferable,
for as long as I please

I shall hope and dream in fiction,
Sing words of poetic dictions,
Find peace of mind in metaphors,
or both hilarity and clarity
enveloped in poetries and fantasies,
Perhaps I’ll let my guard down,
and fall in everlasting love
with the men that breathe charm and ooze chivalry (Re: Dawsey Adams & Mr Darcy)

So brb world,
I'll just pore over these books
as I pour myself another cup of tea
and perhaps read another page (or two or three)

You see
These walls aren't simply plastered together
just to run away from bad weather
or to hide from being tethered
These walls are meant to be built for her
The epoxy keeping pieces of her together
Her safe space - the one and only shelter

So if I may, my little advice to you dear sir,
Don't come stepping in with your beige loafers
if your only wish is to be a brief visitor
Don't come bringing in your jar of nectar
and happily spreading her toast with butter
if you're only stopping by -  a mere spectator

These walls are so much better, stronger
than the last time you saw her
They're built to last forever
Sealed and painted her favourite colour
So stranger, here's a little reminder
To tiptoe ever so gently like a feather
Perhaps whisper a little sacred prayer

But really now, if you must remember,
genuine honesty is truly all that matters

And maybe... she'll let you quietly wander
Where it all feels familiar, someplace warmer
Faces lit with genuine smiles and generous laughter
Finally, a welcome sign for you to enter

You can come in now, stranger

What is it like, when the flowers start to bloom?
But the skies seem dark, filled with gloom

Or when the peaches are gold and starting to ripen,
But the pain inside- you could feel it tighten

And when you thought the stars above had finally lit up,
But your heart remained the same like an empty cup

People change, they’re ever-growing
The world evolves, time’s ever-changing
Our roads are long, they keep on going
Don’t hold your breath now,
nothing’s ever stopping

But you
In the midst of all that’s happened
Somehow you’re still you
Kind, passionate, beautiful
And perhaps everything in between
Still my favourite colour
You remain evergreen

I remember I've dreamt of you before,
And I have loved you; from your outer layers to your very core

Your dreams, your frustrations, your fears
What makes you happy and what wets your eyes with tears?

Everything, I wanted to know it all,
Before I even knew I was going to fall

I mean, look at this. Look at it! A world built on fantasy. Synthetic emotions in the form of pills. Psychological warfare in the form of advertising. Mind-altering chemicals in the form of... food! Brainwashing seminars in the form of media. Controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You want to talk about reality? We haven't lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century. We turned it off, took out the batteries, snacked on a bag of GMOs while we tossed the remnants in the ever-expanding Dumpster of the human condition. We live in branded houses trademarked by corporations built on bipolar numbers jumping up and down on digital displays, hypnotizing us into the biggest slumber mankind has ever seen. You have to dig pretty deep, kiddo, before you can find anything real. We live in a kingdom of *******. A kingdom you've lived in for far too long. So don't tell me about not being real. I'm no less real than the ******* beef patty in your Big Mac.

- Mr Robot

Your name
seems to roll off my tongue
somehow so effortlessly
like velvet across my lips

Always stuck between
admiring you
and despising you
with my entire being

And it certainly doesn’t help
that your friends feel like my friends too
and places you drive to for dinner
are places i’ve been to too

I really can’t tell
if our small, weekly conversations
about the most trivial things
will one day add up to something

Or if they’ll just stay as they are
like where we are now
stagnant and insignificant
just constellations of what-ifs and maybes

Dalam retrospeksi
minda naif kecilku pernah berimaginasi
memikirkan dunia luar sana yang bagaikan fantasi
hati merontakan suatu kebebasan yang diimpi
namun kini ku sedari, itu semua hanyalah persepsi
seorang gadis kecil yang dahulunya bercita-cita tinggi
masa sudah tiba untuk kembali ke realiti.

Selamat datang ke Kota Korupsi
di mana manusia-manusia bertopengkan syaitan
kehausan kuasa, kerakusan harta duniawi
dipuja, dipuji dan disanjung tinggi
pil penawar pula makanan ruji untuk depresi
tiada lagi tempat mengadu, tempat meluahkan hati
hanya tinggal kata-kata yang kehilangan erti
terpapar di kotak skrin empat segi.

Bangsaku semakin alpa, agamaku jauh sekali
soal halal haram tidak dipertikaikan lagi
hanya topik sembang santai di kedai kopi
bicara hari nanti ditolak dahulu ke tepi.

Dunia yang dahulu semakin pudar
hanya serpihan di hujung sudut memori
masa berlalu terlalu pantas, terlepas dari jari-jemari
sekarang sudahpun tiba generasi baru menapakkan kaki
namun, lihatlah sejarah mengulangi dirinya sekali lagi
selagi nafas belum terhenti
selagi kita belum pergi.

Like flowers,
You were beautiful in my eyes,
A faint sweet smell would engulf my senses,
As I held each stalk delicately in my hands,
Everything about you; I admired.

Like flowers,
You needed sunlight to grow,
Carbon dioxide; vital for respiration,
And water, aplenty to seep through the saps,
to bring you to life

Like flowers,
I took you to the heart of my home,
Placed you in the prettiest *** I could find,
Filled it up with water,
Fresh from the tap,
I put you on the table top,
for everyone to see

Raw, rare and real,
There you sat,
Beautiful as you are,
The centrepiece of my home

Like flowers,
Days went by,
and so did your petals.
The leaves had started to wilt,
The stem- shrivelled and weak

Like flowers,
they reminded me of you,
of the feelings I had for you

Fresh, crisp, beautiful at first
But in the end,
All that remained faded away

Like flowers,
You start to bloom again
everytime it's spring

And now,
Spring has come.
I love you
I love you still
I love you always

you’ll comfort me like a best friend
A giving heart, a helping hand
time and space, you'll try to bend
millions you're willing to spend

But let me tell you once and for all,
no matter how far those hands reach
trust me when i say that
it'll only pull you in deeper like quicksand

Maybe one day you'll finally understand
how some broken things aren't for mend
and why this shattered heart stays
a no man's land

My dear bestfriends,
Who’ve become my safe space,
The other home I run to for solace,
Thank you for lending your ears and hand,
For becoming the sister I never had,
Thank you for deciding to stay,
Despite circumstances coming into play,
Thank you for being gentle and kind with my heart,
Safeguarding my innermost secrets from the very start

My dear bestfriends,
Time and time again you’ve proven me,
It’s never about the amount of time we
Spend together when we are together,
Rather it’s the small acts of love that changed my life
It’s the random check-ins, love confessions and life talks,
The birthday presents of stickers, books and silly socks

My dear bestfriends,
Life has a funny way of meeting us together,
All of us travellers of different passages,
Yet our stars remain aligned no matter the weather,
I’m proud of who you you’ve become
And now I am proud to see who I’ve become
Because I see little fragments of you
Ingrained in little fragments of me too

Oh ***,
you and your puns
I've had too much fun,
laughter- tonnes and tonnes

Happiness to me
is like sticky toffee buns,
bubble-shooting guns,
or late night cartoon reruns

But with you,
it's like a thousand splendid suns

As long as you have God,
Your trusted friends,
Your loved ones,
Who know you inside out

And most importantly,
You.


You’ll be alright.

"We cannot imagine how to be happy, but such wild imagination is the secret to happiness."

1.  It always happens completely unexpectedly.

It could be a year from now, perhaps another 5 years, maybe tomorrow. It could be the person you've been liking for the longest time, it could be your bestfriend that you didn't think you'd fall for, it could be the guy you met for three days during your sister's graduation day. Nothing's ever really certain. You just don't know when it'll happen. And with whom.


2.  It's good to know what you want. But never set expectations.

I've come to realise that what's most important is that you share the same or similar end-goals with the person. Having different outlooks on life isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as the things you wish to achieve in life are, or should at least be aligned to one another - whether it's family, career or personal life goals. It's also good to know what you want in a person in terms of his/her core values. BUT, having a list of what your dream person should physically and mentally turn out to be? Nope, throw that out.  


3.  Self-love before anything else.

It's about acknowledging your flaws. Knowing and understanding your little quirks. Enjoying time by yourself and taking pleasure in your own presence. Looking in the mirror and feeling beautiful/badass. Ultimately, it's about accepting yourself exactly the way you are. Loving yourself first and foremost, above all else. And eventually having enough confidence to know that however and whoever you are, the other person will come to love every single little detail about you.

.....but what if they don't?

Simple. Get outta there. You don't deserve it.
You've got too much self-respect for that.


4.  Take all the time you need.

In an era of technological advancements and glorified instant gratification, it's easy to fall into the abyss of wanting more and more and wanting it NOW. Everywhere you look, everyone around you seems to be falling in love and having the time of their lives. Pfft, it isn't that hard is it? People find their soulmates all the time. It's just a mere click of an app. Swipe right, there you have it.

Now... here comes the hard-hitting truth. Falling in love is a literal piece of cake. Staying in love, now that's the hardest part. This is where patience and taking the time to know a person is crucial. It's very important to know the person as a friend first before anything else. Also, the friendship should make you feel comfortable enough to know that no matter how much time you take and need, it only proves that it'll further flourish into something even more meaningful as time progresses.

It's like cheese. It's only better with time.


5.  It should set you free.

I used to think love is somewhat this concoction of paradoxes -  it should be happiness and despair, goodness and pain, all jumbled up into one. You're supposed to love someone so much till it hurts. You're supposed to miss him till your head spins and your heart literally aches. It's supposed to make you feel like the worst.... but completely in love.

But as time passes and age matures me, I start to realise that it should be in fact, the complete opposite. Well, yeah, maybe it should make you feel like all those generic lovey-dovey things like in rom-coms. It should make you happy and grin like an idiot. It's gonna turn you into a big ball of cheesy fluff sometimes.

But what it should really feel is easy and breezy, like a pretty summer's day. No one has to feel like you're giving too much and receiving too little when there's mutual understanding and love for each other. It shouldn't feel burdensome when both of you respect your boundaries and spaces. There should too, be times spent apart. You are, after all, two completely different individuals merged together. Your union should make you strong but light on the feet; attached but not chained to one another. You are each the savoury and the sweetness of a PB&J sandwich; both constituting different parts of a whole.

They say words
can cut you
with wounds deeper
than a knife could
But how is it that
your silence
is what cuts me
through my veins
and kills me softly
inside

Take my hand,
As we roll down the hills of melancholy
As we emerge from the ocean of uncertainty
As we run from the monsters of misery
As we exhale the oxides of evil
As we burn the remaining ashes of fear

Take my hand,
As we travel to the continents of curiosity
As we bite into the oozing deliciousness of joy
As we stay afloat on the clouds of comfort
As we fall into a deep slumber of silence
As we build a house out of these little bricks of strength (and patience)

All I'm asking you is to
Take my hand

Every now and then
I find myself catching glances
Of faces
Behind dashboards of
Yellow myvis
Hopeful
To see your face again
Even if its just a mirrored shadow
Of your silhouette

Sadness is a feeling I want to feel
Just as much as all the days I’ve felt happiness
Anger and pain, I wish to fully endure
A slow burn remedy, perhaps the only cure.

Words have been spoken, feelings have been hurt
Lie, deny, sugar-coat the ache as much as you wish
Time is running out, patience is running thin
Nothing quite like destroying your own kin.

Reached out as far as I could’ve ever tried
No one listened, no matter how hard I cried
I knew long ago this journey’s one hell of a ride
But now it’s brought me to my lowest, slowly killing me inside.

My two childhood heroes turned out as enemies
My safe space no longer becomes sanctuary
The place I grew up in grew out on me
Entrapped within familiar walls where once, I felt free.

The shadows that surround me become my friends
Conversations with ceilings ‘till I reach my wit’s end
Past demons resurface and become part of me
Entrapped in my own cage of emotions, or am I free?

I know now this road’s the loneliest journey to take
I am my own hero, my own friend, and my own fate
The warmth within my bones will be the only source of comfort
Time will eventually dissolve, the disappointment and the hurt.

The demons of my past, future and present
I shall celebrate them with arms open wide
Happiness, sadness, joy, pain, love and fear
These feelings are feelings I wish to forever endure

And what is life
of this world
except
the enjoyment
of delusion



//Ali 'Imran 3:85//

I don't know why but lately,
writing has been an excruciating process for me
these hands don't write quite nearly as good
rhymes don't seem to spill out nearly as easy
and stringing words together isn't nearly as exciting
as they used to be

The ideas in my head sound a little too ridiculous
The dreams I have are a little too farfetched
The faith I used to believe in so firmly is dissolving
slowly, bit by bit

Lately, I'm just tired and uninspired.