wish I was healed
before I professed my love to you.

Today i wrote a letter to my first love
i grew up with him in my mind
i figured out dreams with him in my heart
i loved with him in every line i read

But today i wrote a letter to my first love
not with him as the antecedence
not with him actuating the things i said
not with him as the reason i wrote it

Finally, i wrote a letter to my first love
for myself who needs to escape this artificial happiness
for myself who deserves more than just the what ifs
for myself whose love has its own fate

and so after all these years,
I wrote a farewell letter to my first love.

I thought to myself
You're not just another chapter
You're what the whole book is all about
that the past ones have gradually built
and i'm the actress
trying to get into your words

Chapter 1
The summary has fooled me
they gave you labels and to me warnings
instead what i found was the right words
i wanted to put my thoughts into
you said it first, and i added where necessary
we somehow felt the connection,
so we both moved on to a screenplay.

Chapter 2
I couldn't keep following the lines,
for that's something a kid can also do,
so i mended where i thought defined me more
that it won't let me stand still on the stage
thinking, wondering and questioning if i'm really exploring
for i'm not supposed to repeat exactly what has been said
what's the point of watching if you can just read.

Chapter 3
I thought I was doing great
cuz you've been applauding since the beginning
but all of a sudden you stopped, and i heard "next!"
then i realized I wasn't longer something you wanted
That i turned out to be different
from what you had in mind

suddenly it felt like
somebody has just untied a blindfold from my eyes
that was when I finally knew,
it was not yet a rehearsal but an audition
with numeral candidates behind me
and I happened to be the first person you judged.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Is it worth sketching
An alluring portrait,
That will catch the eye of many,
Except for the person portrayed?

Is it worth making
a steaming cup of tea,
On a cold rainy day
for a guest who is
more eager to stay outside?

And tell me,
Is it worth it if I
were to light a candle,
For a dead man's birthday cake?

I walk the fine line between love and hate
Consecutively losing balance and falling
Into the deep abyss of either one
Just to climb my way up and slip right into the other

Every landing just can't seem to arrive any sooner
Consistent with it's tasteless teasing
As if my mind has not sat through enough horrors
I reason with myself, that it probably really hasn't

My vocal chords have no more screams to release
Aware that they would just be consumed by the echoes
From the last time I was there
A shift in amplitude never changed a thing.

And still, I walk the fine line between love and hate
Despite the times my body slams onto the cold, hard ground
For it is the only path I have
To absolute indifference.

Some nights
I find myself
Staring into space
And coming back to reality
As if theres a knock on my head
With my heart
Feeling a little less full
A certain part gone missing
Hollow and cold
And i think of you
Of where you were supposed to be

Some nights
I wish we'd talk
And let the broken pieces
Mend their way back
But there's just too much hope
And too little gut
And too little courage in me
To drive myself into it