I've always resorted in writing as a way to escape the dusts.

The dusts that intoxicating oneself,
A mere moral mortal,
A miniscule minute member,
Of an entire gigantic gigantua.

I stopped for a while to think,
To decide on what to love,
How to breathe,
How to stay alive,
In this vacuum of Sadness.

I don't know the what & how anymore.
For I’m learning myself again.

I have realised that these past few months have reaffirmed a feeling that I have longed for - of to be wanting and to be wanted by you.

While we were both too quick on our mouths to say the magical three words, we were also too quick on our feet to leave the chaotic madness we ourselves brought into our lives.

At the end, of our phone calls, of our verbal conversations, of our faces on the screens and of subtle touches; we have went through this - by the feeling of to be wanting and to be wanted by each other.

I have always wanted you since the beginning and you were clever enough to say that too. You were sincere as much as I was on playing the hide and seek game of love in the beginning.

It was enjoyable to say the least; you were over the moon and I was already at the edge of the galaxy. It happened in split second - too fast to even realise we have stepped into the medieval game of *******, of controlling ourselves and the other.

Suddenly things changed, we were anchored by our feelings, our minds were hanged on the thread of irrational thoughts, blinding our minds of the same feeling we sought for in the beginning - of us wanting and to be wanted by each other.

Yes, I am greedy to want you all to myself. No one can touch you, complement you or even smile at you. No one shall dare neither to want you like I want you nor to look at you like I look at you. It is who I am - greedy for the best thing that life has to offer to me and you are, my love, the best thing that I have wished for.

Yes, I am selfish to want you all to myself. By succumbing you to my harshest, meanest laws - without ever thinking about you and your own greediness and selfishness. It was a mistake and for that my love for you forever and always is the price I shall pay by sweats, toil and tears of my soul and body.

Sayang,
I have chosen you for my greediness and selfishness;
I have chosen you to be the world that I show my darkest desires;
I have chosen you to be the world that I indulge my fantasies about the brightest days of my life with you as my wife.
To live is to choose and to live with you forever is a choice worth taking - for all the happy memories and sad emotions we have fertilised our stories together.

Sayang,
I want you alone and I am yours alone, too.
Let me be your knight, your Protectorate,
The man of actions that you wish for me to be and I will serve you;
For you are the Queen of my heart.

Your sweet vanilla scent lingers around my skin.
Your beautifully pampered skin touches my soul.

I am mesmerised by the fact that it happened at the same time;
How my heart wanting you more and more.
How my mind aching for your existence in me,
By every second that passes, by every tick of the old swinging clock that passes.

Baby, please know that I need you more than I need the air to breathe.
As cliche as it sounds,
As melancholic as it seems,
You are my want and need at the same time.

Call me greedy, selfish, arrogant for wanting the whole of you, just for me,
As I am such a sucker for your love,
Wanting, needing, demanding, requiring,
Every drop of your worthy love,
Growing flowers, making the life liveable,
For I need you as my air to breathe,
For I need you to survive this cruel world.

I am hooked on you, baby.

For the nth times we have made each other sad,
I was more addicted to you, baby.

It could be the pain that I have once become numb with,
For my miserable life have led me to those paths before.
But baby, with you, it was unlike those that I have experienced.
You made me crave for more of us and that very moment,
I knew that you are worthy of my heart.

For the nth times we have made each other happy,
I was more addicted to you, baby.

It could be the happiness that I have cherished with the sweet lovey phrases we relayed and those unforgettable memories we made,
For I know that absence makes the heart grows fonder & at the same time, they say: out of sight, out of mind.
But baby, with you it was different.
The more that I miss you, the more I realised that:
I need you, baby.
For I am hooked on you, baby.

Now I long for us to be in togetherness forever.
To love is to grow.
To grow old together,
To create more memories together,
And of course, because I long for your hugs and kisses,
Forever - in my hectic mornings and in my cold nights.
I am hooked on you, baby. I really do.

To whom I love so dearly.

It is unlike me to open my heart so easily.
I wish that we would never need to go through sad moments together, but we did.
I wish that we did not meet each other, but we did.
I wish that we never knew each other like we now knew, but we did.
For I fell in love with you, deeper & deeper as the day goes by.
For now I am stuck in the vortex of love - opening up the floodgates of happiness & sadness at the same time.

Perhaps you dislike me for saying these, but:
Listening to your voice of which is my favourite, melancholic sound.
I wish that you never stop talking.
So that I would carry my heart with high spirit - knowing that you will be there for me every time.
Through happy, sad and tiring times.
Because the moment I said those three words, please know that I have vowed - I am yours & you are mine.

First thing in the morning & the last thing at night,
Seeing your prettiest curling smile, blooming up my early hours and late thoughts.
Looking at how you cheery laugh, making me foolishly smile.
How stupid for me to make you sad, even to the slightest bit of my unintentional intentions.
For now I am in awe of how lucky I am to know you, to meet you & to finally fall in love with you.
The idea of you, the very idea of having you forever in my life.

At least by now, you should know me & my feelings.
Even the smallest piece of sadness could shatter everything that we have built together.
But fret not, for the bridges we built would not be blocked by the forts and barriers I constructed, for every time you made me sad.
For I wish you are here with me - soothing me through our journey in love.
For I wish you are here with me - colouring the canvas of our story, one in the making.

This is a new beginning, a new era of our lives.
Of both me and you, of us, in togetherness.
I wish we would be in two, for so long that the world remains as it is.
Never once I wish to stop loving you, not even a thought.

Again, I fell down the deep black well,
Without even thinking of dipping my feet.

Again, I fell too deep, succumbed by my sense,
In a place too dark for me to see anything but in blackness.

Again, I did the same mistake &
counting my steps for numbered days.

And again, I knew how this will end.
Like they always did.
In a deep, dark place.

The sunrise lightens up the skies,
Like how your laughter lightens up my life,
It is natural to you to make me smile,
Every single time.

The sunrise warms His art,
Like how you warm my heart,
Through your lovely ways,
For the n-hundredth days.

It is you.
That I wished and longed for.
Treasuring these precious moments,
Not to be awaken from this dream,
Not for a moment.

It is perfect,
Your existence to me.
It is delicate,
Your presence to me.
Fusing my perfection of you and me.

It is a suffering to miss you,
A second long spells,
Thousands countless moons,
Of gloomy nights & a mind wanting you,
Sitting by my side.

It was something different today.
It made me happier than some of the gloomy days,
We sometimes had in our lives.

Genuinely, I noticed that I love you,
Not because we are perfect in our imperfections,
It was because you are perfect enough for me.
A longing emotion attached to that feeling I had towards you.

Truely, I realised that I love you,
Not because you smile and laugh every time we talk and meet,
It was because the sincerity behind all those actions you did.
A sense of trust and hope clinging to that feeling that I had towards you.

Certainly, today, I figured out that I love you,
Not because of all the brokenhearts we had,
In solitary or in togetherness.
It was because I said your name in my prayers for all this while,
That we will be one forever,
Even after everything has come to pass.

Today I felt the truest and the most authentic,
Indescribable syllabus to the phrases of “I love you”
and for that I thank you.

Darling,
I feel like writing to you when you are next to me.
That is the best option I have,
For I cannot paint your beautiful smile and cheerful laughter,
For you are seemingly an art, a poetic typology of words.

But you are now far away,
And I miss you so much.
Only words can convey the magnitude of me missing you,
Of your entire presence and existence,
Of moments we had together,
In sweet surrender.

Darling,
I wish to be your wings,
And you will fly up to the lilac skies,
To the yellow stars of the galaxies,
To the green places you have dreamed of;
When you do not feel at home, even when you are home.

I wish to be everything to you,
And devote my entirety to you,
To be the shoulder that you cry upon,
To be the arm that you lean on;
When you are sad, even when you are laughing to my silly jokes.

For the time and distance signify,
The barriers that separate the worlds of us.

But darling,
Fret not.
They do not make me love you less;
They make me miss you more.

There were days when I tried to philosophically explain things;
of why certain existence existed,
of what shaped them to be them.

It is you who can understand why,
after all this while,
and for the nth times,
I wonder why it is you.

I have walked through the parks,
the art museums, the galleries;
I have traveled through the mediums,
spaces, in books, in poems;
Just to understand why it is the way it is.

It was meant to be self-destruct,
to be falling for you unconditionally,
completely without any showings.
But it did not, why?

Perhaps the answer is not supposed to be found?
Perhaps it is best if it is left unchecked?
Perhaps letting the river flows and the wind goes by.
Like how your smile glides through me nonchalantly?

It is you that I want to return to,
in the warm caress that is beyond anything.
It is you that I want to fall for,
of belonging to you, captivated,
of yours, in sweet surrender, forever.

To be drowning in these moments,
treasuring garden of roses,
a beautiful palace,
that your heart is.

I wasn't lying when I said,
You were the wildflowers that bloomed the garden of my heart.
For their existences brighten my gloomy world.

I wasn't lying when I said,
The scenery was beautiful yet majestic.
For truthfully, you're that scenery.

I wasn't lying when I said,
I fell in love with that scenery (read: you),
As much as you love the pureness of white Halstatt.

I wasn't lying when I said,
I prayed for us to end well too.

For not a second goes by,
That I don't think about you.

Walking by the seaside these past few days made me realised,
How your significant existence to me,
Was in parallel to the existence of the sea waves,
Crashing the beaches every day, every hour, every second.
Continuously, without a break in the betweenness of moments.

Watching the purplish sunsets,
Nonchalantly thinking how you were not here,
To watch their beauty with me.
Such a wasted, majestical moment,
Blew away in the dust of time.

If only you know how much I cared for you.
If only you know how much I longed for you.
If and only if you know how much you meant to me.
But it doesn’t matter, does it?
That everything should be left unsaid.

I still remember the first time I met you.
Of blurry memories and vivid feelings.
Of our fiery hearts and egoistic natures.
And yet, I did fall for that smile.
Time and time again.

I still remember, in the sweet old London.
Of blurry memories and vivid feelings.
Of overwhelming awkwardness of me and you.
And yet, I did confront the fear.
Of getting to know you.
Of opening, giving my heart to you.
Trusting you, to not pull the trigger on me.

It wasn't easy, trust me, but happiness is what I wish for both you and me.

It wasn't selfish, I hope, to yearn for the wish as far as the brightest star in the galaxy.

To just be with you, always.

It felt both winter and spring,
at the same moment,  
when I was with you.

You were the wildflowers,
I held so dearly,
and sadly,
wilted away,
they died.

You hurt me time and time,
the numbness of feelings,
Or the sense of everything.

Yet you wished for me,
to be pure and true,
yet your cast flew.

The fault is on me, this time.
It has always been since the beginning of time.

It is killing me dreadfully,
this reciprocity,
in a beautiful way,
only to be fathom by a *******.

Only keeping a promise no one is sure of.

It was never a misstep to ask for a few,
Even it did feel weird at times yet it was pure and true.  

It was surreal, unimaginable yet joyous times, like a dream.

Such in a graceful dance, how beautiful life is,
For the heart is not mine to dictate,
For the soul is not mine to possess.

Such in a tranquil, a quiet dark room,
Listening to the sounds of nature,
A waterfall fitting into the picture.

Such the state of grateful, in remembrance, in the living memories of sweetness stories, of happy moments, no longer a torment.

For the initials were barriers, for the waves to not destroy the sand castles of bottled feelings.
For the good endings, come into lovely shapes of a smile.

From the bottom of my heart, should I write this to you:

It was a dream that we shouldn't dream of.

It was an idea that we shouldn't think of.

It was a question that we shouldn't answer.

Let it be and let it fly away;

Like nothing happened or let it be real and authentic.

For we hold the keys to the unambiguous reality.

It was nearly winter when,
The dried autumn leaves crumbled,
The laughter of yours warmed me.

Nonchalantly it sounded to me when I realised that as if it was so easy,
Throwing jokes here and there.
Seeing that pretty smile curved away.

It was a cold night accompanied by pocketed hands through the freezing weather, when I realised everything.

It was too late. Too late.

For now, it's getting harder as if distance hurts me badly,
As if the skies are cursing me, away from you.
As if forever means forever and ever, like it never happened.
Like it was a fictional chapter written by a brokenhearted typist,
Seeking banishment from the surface of the world.

It was sad yet happy, for memories lasted more than words and promises.

In between time, have I wondered through dimensions of sacredness.

Between the spaces of unfrozen relic of us.

It was both pure and holy,
Untampered by the cold seas of dark night.

One day, might I lose to the wilderness of nature, to the untamed creatures of worldly beings, will you recognise me?

Every now and then, have my thoughts keep tangling themselves, from nothing to everything, from making sense to nonsensical.
From flowery visuals, vividly in shapes.

It was both pleasure and pain,
Unnamed by the strong winds of feelings.

And one day, might I fall out from these untimely moments, will you be there to save me?

This is the epitome of hopelessness, hoping for mere dreams to become a reality.

Maybe it was a little bit too much, of everything.
Of things said, of us sharing memories.
Of cold hands and happy days.

Maybe it was an old nostalgia,
Of the mix-up synergy,
Of honesty and sincerity.
Of yearning for longevity,
Of hopeful feelings for you.

Maybe the long nights and the short days,
Maybe the sad skies and the broken hearts,
Maybe the uncertainties of life,
Of saying goodbyes.
Of splitting ways and long distances.

Maybe it was merely a dream to live on, to never be awaken from.
Of your sweet smile and hopelessness of me.

Maybe it is just me, overthinking.

As much as I miss the London Tube,
for its grandeur aesthetic,
for its fast-paced movement;

I fear of missing you,
for the way your lips shape up your pretty smile,
for the way your brevity articulates your erudite thoughts,
for the dreadfulness of the warmth,
and the heartbreaks that follow suit.

As much as I fall in love with The City,
for its vintage Victorian era buildings,
for its chaotic hectic way of life;

I fear of falling in love with you,
for your deep meaningful eyes,
for the firmness of your principles and values,
for the dreadfulness of the warmth,
and the heartbreaks that follow suit.

But the fearfulness of life is what makes us humans,
To be in fear, to be wishful, to be hopeful,
To move forward in higher spirits and stronger heart.

I guess it ends now like everything has its own ending.

I guess it ends now like how the sky poured down rain in the evening even when the skies were lit up with shine in the afternoon,
like how you were there with me putting up your bright smile even when the rays were dimming.

I guess it ends now like the way the world works but yet,
darling, my heart doesn't want to.

This is what I said about feeling hopeful and hopelessness at the same time and it bit me again, stronger this time.

The truth is, I really want you forever but it is such a shame to think that we cannot stay longer than sunsets.

Franz Liszt's Years of Pilgrimage was playing at the back,
the music was beating as slow as death,
it had something special about the place,
a rather quiet but buzzing with unrequited feelings.

Nonchalantly was a nature of him,
to be pulling and pushing emotions back and forth,
but something was not always meant to be right,
nor it was always meant to be wrong.

Something was to be ignored and life moved on.

The ocean waves were washing down the beach,
they destroyed the sand castle of sorrow and despair.

Nothing to grief or figure about,
It was something new, fresh with scents.

The end of the saxophone solo snapped him out of it,
a sense of emptiness seemed to be draining out lately,
the void was filled with a gray tiring matter,
and it was nothing altogether.

Dear you,

It feels like I am rafting into a mystical land that is full of evil and dark creatures.

There is no moon and the skies are pitch black. No sign of anyone, including you.

I keep on going, like I always do. But this time it is different.

Because I know that at the end of this journey, it would be worth it.

Yet I may be dead by the end of the day but at least I could smile remembering how you were there for me, at least.

With regrets and foolishness,
(1.42am, 29th August 2017)

Dear you,

I don't really know why,
Yet I am still writing to you,
Hoping that you'll read this.

But to my fear,
I hope you don't.

Days have becoming longer,
The sunrise feels dimmer and the moon is covered by white giant clouds.  

The flowers are blooming beautiful,
Just like you when you donned the
majestic blue dress.

I don't really know why,
For me to still waiting for a miracle,
For us to be in synonymous, I guess?

It's too early to call but some say,
Late is better than never.

I think I'll grow tired of this feeling,
But I hope I'll never cease from writing to you again.

So that you'll know how I feel all this while,
Only for you not to notice.

With regrets and foolishness,
(1.21am, 18th August 2017)

Dear you,

Today I realized something new,
too much oxygen can suffocate a living soul,
like too much feelings can intoxicate you.

Today I realized something new,
don't put high hopes on something that could fall,
like one's heart falling in love with the smile of yours.

It was a surreal yet a wishful dream,
to be writing this just for you.

Shelves of books and you, I imagine,
could light up the whole room,
could enchant the whole world,
captivating those who surround it.

Motion pictures, fixated cameras,
moving billboards & neon lights,
they are living proofs,
- that colors have meanings.

But wouldn't it be idiotic to say:
what is the meaning of this black and white life,
if I am without you?

Yet it is not the matter of patching up the pieces,
or even filling up the empty void.

It is the matter of how you live the life as it is,
to create memories and,
to cherish them, with everything.

The sun will always rise and set at the end,
just the way it is for thousand years,
The moon will always shine and dim at the end,
just the way it is for thousand years.

But what is there for us,
the broken & senseless souls?

With regrets and foolishness,
(1:31am, 14th August 2017)

Dear you,

Believe me, the calmness within;
It was anything like I have tasted ever before.
It was something that I adore purely the most.

Believe me, when I say;
That I dreamed about you twice tonight,
but it was rather a magical feeling
or subconscious obnoxious thoughts,
- they left out traces.

Believe me, when I say;
Some people have the brightest smiles,
but they hide in them thousands of wonder pictures,
millions of living emotions,
- their broken pieces.

But truly believe me, when I say;
To indulge in life is to savor both sad and joy,
to delve deeper in the dark deep wells,
to swim in cold stormy seas,
to fly away in black night skies.

True, time would not heal anything,
it merely creates a sensation of curing,
it merely deludes one to think it does heal something,
yet even wounds leave scars,
- that are meant forever.

It is about how you write your chapters in your life story
& how you shape the ending,
either sorrow or exuberance,
if it has one.

With regrets and foolishness,
(3:03am, 10th August 2017)

I don't know what is more painful than;

Seeing your sweet killer smile,
Listening to your cute intoxicating giggling,
Fading away, just like that.

I don't know what is more tormenting than;

Watching your pretty quiet eyes,
Hearing to your tantalising hopeful words about us,
Disappearing through the thin air, just like that.

It's such an act of masochism, addicting to the pain one inflicted to oneself.

But darling, it is you that I am addicted to.
The drug that kills me slowly but surely.

It is a contradictory paradox.
It is a conflicting oxymoron.
The half of my reasoning thinking that
you want to be mine,
the other half of my sanity thinking that
you just want to be of use or at least to be using me.

It is not easy,
for both me and you to be in unison
and all the reasons are in the state of plateau.

Maybe I am taking too much caffeine and nicotine,
Maybe I am lacking too many hours of sleep,
Maybe I am lacking of you?

But there is one thing I am very sure
and that is,
I did fall for your treacherous smile, again.
I did fall for your deceptive but cute expressions, again
and again.

I never knew that pain is this addictive
and your ignorance is my drug, forever.

It was 2.36am in the morning and
the thought of you came suffocating
my mind.

It was 6.36am in the morning and
a text from you came by,
it was simple and sweet.

It was truly unexpected,
it was absolutely unplanned,
to meet you again,
to see your smile again.
It was something to die for,
at least of my existence.

Hearing you laughter,
listening to your cherry-blossom stories
brought back the colors of my life
as it was plain and dull these past few months.

It was truly unexpected,
it was absolutely unplanned,
to fall for you again;
even after everything
even after the 'day'.

You bleed me with your smile,
tantalizing my soul to a new level;
immortality.

You hurt me with your words,
mending up my broken heart;
absurdity.

To be honest,
I dont even know why,
am I deluding myself to this insanity?

I dont know why,
yet I want to know
everything about you,
except the answer.

It is too complicated,
the complexity of me and you
to exist as a whole,
it is less than a possibility.

For us to be together,
for infinity.

It is fine,
I will just wake myself up everyday,
hoping for you to miss me,
hoping for your love to warm my cold world,
frozen by the deep chill of misery and agony.

I am pretty sure
I am in no place to tell you this,
nor I even have the right to ask you this,

To love me like you love your Korean celebrities,
To miss me like you miss your beautiful yet ignorant cat,
To snuggle me like you snuggle those sweatshirt of yours,

Yes,
I pretty **** sure,
I am no one in your life.

Is this what they called;
So close yet so far?

I was a fool, once.
A lovely one,
a romantic fool.

I thought that
I was her world,
only world,
of all pieces of the broken soul she was.
but sadly enough, I wasn't.

Wise men says;
only fools rush in,
yes, I admit that.

But you can't make the same mistake twice,
the second mistake
is not an err,
it is a choice.

To err is human,
to forgive, divine.

I rather live by
"To improve is to change;
to be perfect is to change often."

Yesterday was something.
It was the day where i felt like
if i were reborn, into
something new,
something different,
something more beautiful
than ever.

Yesterday was something,
everything was beautiful
and nothing hurt.

Yesterday was something,
you were as radiant as the sun,
striking out the ray of love, nonchalantly.

Yesterday was something,
you and me,
we crossed the lines, we shouldn't cross.

It wasn't supposed to happen,
at the first place,
to love,
to fall,
to create,
memories, hopes
& dreams.

Out of all things in this world,
you revived me
to be me
again,

This time, a better me.

It is now 1:06am and
i couldn't sleep.

As cliche as this might be,
It's you who i keep on thinking.

How your pretty smile shapes up  so perfectly,
How your exciting laughter fills up the universe so beautifully,
It is hard for me to keep up with your pace at this rate, you know.

They said wishful thinking is a vengeance and i am both a wisher and a thinker.

I wish I was that caramel frappe you held,
I wish it's was my heart that you held so carefully, effortlessly.

I once told you that you're a masterpiece and indeed, you surely are.

I wonder if you think that you're cute as hell when you questioned things, when you asked me those numerical parts of the world.

I wonder if you think you're sweet as hell when you look puzzled trying to solve the maze, when you pleaded for help in deciphering the mystery.

I wonder if you think you will fall for me and i bet that you don't.

Now tell me how do i love you when i dont know how to start? For it's never a right thing to fall and it will never be.

So I'll just let these feelings fade away, away into the darkness.

I may not be the best guardian,
of The Heart,
of yours.

forsaken by those
who failed miserably,
shamefully.

forsaken by those
who keep repeating the same old mistakes,
stupidly.

forsaken by those
who didn't cherish those moments of yours,

the way
how you laugh so perfectly,

the way
how you smile to me, oh wonderfully,

the way
how you make my heart all gloomy,

yet melting like those icebergs in the North Pole
due to the actions of ruthless humans

I  may not be the best guardian
of The Heart.
of yours.

but today, i am here with you
and i am going nowhere
without you.

sorry I couldn't be there
for you whenever
you need a lonely hug,
or a (tantalizing) smile giver
at least.

sorry I couldn't be there
for you whenever
you need someone to hold your hands firmly,
for you to nap your head onto someone's shoulder
trying to forget how cruel the world was - the reality.

sorry for I am the subtle lover,
everyone is scared of craving for
everyone is scared of loving for
their entire life (if they ever live one)
but not you, the only survivor.

sorry for I am the apathetic lover,
trying hard with audacity,
trying hard with tenacity,
in the staggering fight uncovering the pitfall of love.

and it was always for you,
it was always for you,
you,
& only for you it was.

there's something that makes me this way
wandering,
lost,
in a world of our very own.

I can't truly expound it,
but really want to try
maybe it should be this way
& you shall not cry.

and how those clouds hold the rain,
and how the Sun reflects the perfect scenery,
you carefully keep me in vain,
illuminating those image of beauty, auxiliary.

thank you for the days
we shouldn't forget,
gratitude been told
intensely ******.

i don't mind being intoxicated
by the love
-you dictated.

don't ever stop & never cease.
for my love for you will never decease.
and that's a promise
I guess, will forever keep.

Don't say the words
for the sake of,
upholding a glimmer
nevertheless a false hope.

Don't say the words
for the sake of,
holding my hands
while it is raining outside.

Don't say the words, for:
your fond presence,
your deep-meaningful eyes,
your small hands,
your sweet smile,

concluded that the words are no longer needed.
they're nothing compared to
those things
-that can't be comprehended.

Creating the likeliness of
cracking & shattering my heart
as if it was a vase
made of glass.

But
I don't mind,
and yes.
(I need you.)

yes, i know it is a sin
to see you smiling
to see your giggling
and those non-stop laughing

yes, i know it is a sin
to hear your thoughts
to listen to your midnight lullabies
(and for sure its gonna rain tomorrow morning)

yes, i know it is a sin
to hold your hands,
to hold you tight,
to never let you go,
or
to ever leave you for it is
so disastrous to even think bout that.*

but baby,
you know what is the most sinful among these sins?

it is the sin of which i committed,
the first time my heart fell for you.
and i will not stop

for it is the heavenly sin.

this ain't me anymore,
this shouldn't be me.
it wasn't supposed to be this way.
these thoughts can't stop but to keep running.

trust me baby,
trust me hard,
trust me deep,
trust me up up in the sky.

everything starts to be this way
when your existence becomes reality.

and baby,
i'm scared to wake myself from this dream,
this perfect fantasy,
or just a mere faded-blew away reality.

hey baby,
today it is not honeydew or guava or anything,
today i met someone new,

the taste of her is a little bit spicy,
and i don't know if my heart liked her or not.
or whether it sunk deep as
quicksand pulling me down
as it did with you.

but i am sure that it does if it is you, baby.
for my love for you is within lunacy.

to hold those small hands
to watch those eyes blink
to see those happy smiles
to hear that voice

of yours, all of yours.
forced insanity to consume me, deeply, but not too deep.

baby,
two weeks ain't enough for every seconds I wish you're here.
for every seconds I wish you're here,
i wish you're here.

I truly wish and i'll never stop wishing.

but sayang,
we ain't reading love story,
because life isn't just bout ending-happy,

we ain't reading fictional characters,
because today we are writing our own chapters.

so i ain't coming back,
ain't running back,
ain't looking back,

but i am here trying to smoke my last cigarette,
and how days went by that 'you're my champion' rosette,

because sayang,*
the smoke itself can't prevail the lust to miss you,
even i am indulging myself;
deeper every time my thoughts turn residue.

sayang,
there is no yellow-shining stars tonight,
there is no hot-delicious chocolate tonight,
there is no warmth-serenity hug tonight,
there is nothing here tonight.
and do really know, yes i do;
i am no longer your knight.

sayang,*
you have figured, haven't you?
the first moment, the hearts mended together,
the two souls together, happy ever after.

but suddenly, only a second it took
to turn everything into ashes.
how the swords even the arrows both clashes.

Oh baby,
i dont need medicine,
i dont need a pill,
i just need you, the only drug
to calm me, chill.

Even though the words hurt,
stabbing me myriadly at one time,
even though the blood spurt,
i'll just repeat the - it is okay, i'm fine.

Why you are not here?
soothing the things that are severe,
those phrases, those sentences
i am sure it was sincere.

Oh baby,*
i dont need medicine,
i dont need a pill,
i just need you, the only drug
to calm me, chill.

Today, yes today.
I found something new about you,

Those philosophical thoughts of yours keep
repeating the same *chains-rhymes, that circulate
in the air - showing me
that you are that worth;
to keep, to treasure for.

When those sparks of fire arises,
Let me be the water,
To be the tranquility of yours, to deliquesce you.

When those 'non compos mentis' thoughts of yours emerge,
Let me be the scholar,
To figure them, to decipher them for you.

However, the truth is my love,
Even after breaking those codes,
Smashing those unbreakable walls and barriers
of yours;
I will never fully understand you,
as you yourself don't.

The thoughts of me not having you;
disrupts the sea within me,
destroys the fort within me,

Sayang (read:love),
those inequalities of ours should not be
the river that separates two lands,
the wall that separates two nations,
the line that separates between black and white (even the grey exists)

Promise me that you will
bare with me, will you?

*Even promises are meant to be broken.

Maybe you don't have the eyes that see;
how your love have caused me to become blind,
turning me to be unbridled by others' thoughts.

Maybe you don't have the ears that listen;
how your love have turned me to become deaf,
unconstrained me to be suppressed by these feelings.

Maybe you don't have the mouth that speaks;
how your love have caused insanity to consume me,
and how the love of yours turned out to be
so cruel yet so mean to
eat me alive obnoxiously.

but however sayang, (read: love)
you have that one precious thing in you;
the only thing that is worth my fight for,
**the heart that loves.

How could I not be grateful enough?

For all those disgraceful sins have I conducted,
For all those infamy moments have I omitted you,
For all those ignominy of seconds, of minutes, of hours,
that have I excluded your presence,

I should not count, for
the enumeration of them itself is not,
commonsensible.

Yet, you gave me everything that I wanted, dying for.

Oh God,
How could I not be grateful enough?

You built your wall of
insecurity and heartlessness
so tall even you're trapped in there.

You built your house
of problems and madness
so huge even you're lost in it.

Those barriers you built, those bridges I built.
Were never enough for me to cross the shallow
river of the sadness, that you solely created.

I am never good enough for you,
I am never perfect enough for you,

For you a mere perfectionist looking into the kaleidoscope
of the world through diamonds of errors and colours of wrongdoings.

I hereby stood watching you from far away, making my own heart saying;

"If you repeat a word over and over it loses its meaning.

I have stayed up countless nights repeating your name hoping that you will mean less to me with each breath."

But I was wrong, never a right on you.