there's this necklace I wear layered under countless other pendants that hold memory and feeling
it's supposed to be the symbol "the hand of God"
it's supposed to protect me from evil and give me strength
it used to give women strength and power to be healthy and have fertility
why doesn't it help me find the strength to get out of bed in the morning?
what evil eye has it protected me from?
the history says that the sun and moon are eyes of God, that God is everywhere with us
we can never leave the consciousness of God
it's been traced back to early Mesopotamia but maybe I'm just too ****** up to actually receive some sort of help
why do I even bother?

bruised knees and bandaids
your mom is no longer your best friend, she'll scream words that burn your ears
she won't read you fairy tales before you fall asleep at night
CD's and ballet
school buses, new folders and the boy next door named Tyler
he'll want you for your body, he'll spread rumors throughout the school
you'll only want it to go away
girls you share laughter with and teachers you idolize
everything becomes different
the only thing you'll share with those girls is a pack of cigarettes and the stories you hear in the hallway
gummy bears and juice boxes have turned into prescription medicine and shots of *****
just wishing for one good day
your special blankie and your favorite hair bow
hidden in a closet behind the new skirt your dad doesn't like you wearing
disney movies, popcorn made on the stove and your whole family smooshed onto one couch on a friday night
those friday nights turn into another day of choking back cheap alcohol and ignoring your grandmother's emails

my whole world
my whole life
revolves around a 6'4
brown haired
blue eyed
beautiful boy

and he has the power to destroy
my whole world
my whole life

he has my whole world
and my whole life
in the palm of his hands

but his hands are so soft
and give me such security

swallowing my pride like you choke back that cheap liquor
holding back tears like the way you shove me into the wall and act as though I feel the way you do
believing those words like the things you muttered under your breath

the light in your eyes brings me home every night and i can’t stop following it because it’s the only light i know. it guides me through each tunnel and hallway. it fills a lantern i grasp as i travel through each day, facing a darker darkness. each day i put your light in a jar or a lantern or in my bag and i carry it with me through each and every journey. the light in your eyes is what i see when i wake up and i hope it’s there everyday. i need a reason to keep waking up. every time i look into your eyes i hear wind chimes and i see the light like the sun rising every morning. and your eyes can’t just be described as a color. they aren't just blue. they are wind chimes and they are lanterns. they are stars and they are illuminating. they are candles burning. the lantern cant dim. the candle cant burn out. it cant leave me in the dark. what will i have to guide me through the darkness? what will i have to brighten my days?

Do you ever feel like the words have just been taken right from your mouth
And you're left with a dry,
Empty feeling
Almost numb

Similar to that cold October day when you
Left me

It's an awful thing to feel

Because I can't seem to find the right words to describe it

Nothing measures up to it

pimples and mint life savers
flirting over text and pink lipgloss
crying in class and acting like you hate the world
traveling in groups, friendships you think will last a lifetime and homework you never do
you never thought you'd have to grow up, did you?
everything is temporary
lockers and passing notes
doing everything you can so the cute boy your mother likes will daydream about you, too
everyone in your first hour literature class won't remember your name in 15 years when we all have kids and we marry someone because you simply have no reason not to
colorful backpacks and varsity sports
thinking high school would be the best four years of your life
why would someone lie to you?
gossip and holding hands
you never realized the guy across the hall would break your heart and rip your new blouse, did you?

her name was kept a secret
but she asked everybody what kind of flowers they'd want on their grave
everyday she went to the farmers market
wondering if her dead body would smell the roses
or the daisies
or the lilies
above her
she traced her fingers over each stem
she kept a jar of daffodils on her windowsill
she'd look at them when she felt sad
she knew that even though if her death was ugly,
the beautiful flowers would still
lay above her

I'm wearing your sweatshirt to sleep again
I'm under my own roof and it makes me feel more at home

I've bitten my nails until they bleed
But when I hold your hand, everything seems to heal

I can't undo the tangles in my hair
But you trace your fingers down my arm and every one of my thoughts becomes unwinded and untangled before you

I promised I'd stop searching for the ocean in my veins

I could put millions of stars in the sky on a perfect July night and I'd still think of you as the view

I wouldn't mind to have all of my little-girl dreams crushed by your fingers that trace my skin so perfectly

you hold my hand as if it's made of glass and you're terrified to shatter me. i've never been so fragile to someone. how did i get so lucky? i can't look at you without my heart driving full speed on the express way. i wish you could hear the way i think about you because i'm sorry i never know what to say and when to say it. but it's okay because someday i'll have collected all of these thoughts and i will put them down on paper. i'll read that paper to you with shaky hands and tears in my eyes and afterwards i'll say
"i do." and think to myself, how did i get so lucky?
i just hope you will, too. and, you know, maybe you won't, but at least i had the privilege of spending my time with the most beautiful blue eyes in the entire world.

you're killing me by doing absolutely nothing and I guess I did expect more but
who wouldn't?
I still sit here on Sundays and think of you having breakfast with your grandmother
I think of our visits to the nursing home to see your grandfather
I think of our times playing with kittens at the local shelter

I think of my heart being shattered
to a million pieces
as your overconfident,
****,
self-centered,
**** attitude got in the way of your seemingly non-existent feelings
I think of the tears I cried when I realized all of the *******
I put up with
for so long
because I was too blind to see what kind of a person
you really are

i thought the braces would have stopped those people from talking
i thought starving myself would have made me feel good
i thought ripping open my veins would take away all of the pain
i thought boyfriends were supposed to compliment you
i thought my parents would be proud of me

maybe one day when my hair falls perfectly and my thighs don't touch
i won't think as much

Place my cheek
against your careful hand. Look me
in my anxious eyes. Look and see what
is inside. You can see
every strand of fear.
You can see
every hole in my heart.
I don't think you'll want to see
every broken piece.
But look.
Look and see.

I keep praying to what seems to be a nonexistent God. I ask for some sort of strength to get me through these hard times but all I can find are reasons why I should give up

I feel like I'm drowning but I have all the air in the world. the only thing pulling me closer to death is the ocean that flows from my veins and I can't seem to get up. memories of you are flashing back to me and it hurts to know you stopped caring. my eyelids are heavy and the only thing wrapped around me is this towel but all I want is his arms.

knowing you're 8 hours away doesn't fill the piece of my heart you took with you
it doesn't remove the guilt from the bottom of my gut
and it doesn't take away the empty tissue boxes next to my bed

knowing i found someone new doesn't make me feel better about you gulping back cheap alcohol
and kissing someone else's cheeks

knowing that i could take my life any second and remove all of the pain that demands to be felt
doesn't make me stop wondering if you'd  
even miss me at all
or want to hear the sound of my voice again
or sit in silence while we watch the night sky
as if all of those stars
were equal to the butterflies in my chest

it's october 30th
3 months and 26 days since the first day i really saw you
heart broken, i couldn't get you out of my head
3 months and 18 days since the night i fell in love with you
you, twirling me around on the dance floor
you, just a stranger
you, handsome
you, god why hadn't i met you earlier?
me, a nervous bright-eyed girl
you, a confident boy
me, just a stranger
i fell in love with you
i fell in love with the way you said my name
i fell in love with your gentle hands on my hip as we danced
i fell in love with each conversation we had
i fell in love with you
i fall in love with you, again, each and every single day
3 months and 26 days ago, the most beautiful person walked into my life
i'm not much of a prayer, but i thank god for you every night
i thank god for 3 months and 26 days ago
i fell in love with you
i am in love with you

your hand brushed against mine when i went to open the door
your hand brushed against mine when i turned on the radio
maybe it was a sign
you gave me a hug that day
for 15 seconds i felt safe
you dried my tears that day
i remember the feeling of your thumb on my cheek
maybe it was a sign

the first time i met you, i had a beer in my hand
i pretended like a beer was enough to hush the voices in my head
i sat down next to you
you asked me if i wanted anything stronger, so i made my own
i didn't know your name
you were singing, you were laughing, you were smiling at me
you told me your name
i told someone i was good at pingpong
you told me you wanted to play me
i sat there hoping that it'd be tonight
you were smiling at me
i couldn't stop looking at you
my phone kept buzzing, the guy i thought i loved thought he loved me
you asked me to follow you downstairs
i couldn't play ping pong for ****
you kept smiling, i kept shaking
i kept drinking
i kept drinking
i kept pretending like you didn't interest me
i don't remember the rest of the night
all i could do was hope
hope for another night with you
i kept drinking
you kept smiling

the first time you told me how you felt you were drunk
i was holding the neck of a bottle of bacardi
we kept taking shots
you held my face

"you're so beautiful"

you'd tell me to look at you
i wish i could've said something
i wish could've walked out the door

              "im so sorry"

you called me baby
i wasn't yours but i could be

"you're so beautiful"

               "ill always be here"

i didn't speak for a minute
i couldn't believe i was living

by the time i finished the bottle
and you finished your beers
i promised myself i wouldn't believe a word you said
i grabbed your hands and you clutched me
like a stairway railing
we walked to your room
i had to help you take your contacts out

"i like you so much"
    
                "why were you dancing with him"

i fell in love with you
i fell in love with that feeling
i fell in love with your slurred words, your blurry eyes

i didn't mean to fall in love that night

every face i see, they can't see through me
they can't see the mask
the smiling and the laughing just covers everything up
everyday i put on a layer
i put on my nice clothes
i try to put on my smile
i try to make myself fit in
each person that talks to me, the mask is still
invisible
the mask
i paint it every day
i put it in
i put on the clothes i put on the attitude

but, when will they see the real me?

i've always wanted to own a bookstore

i'm not sure if it's because i hate my life so much
that i want to engulf myself into other peoples
love stories
or tradgedies
or celebrations

or if it's because
finding a new book
is one of those adrenaline pumping things
it's like a whole new adventure within bindings

i never knew that i'd one day be hooked on your eyes. the feeling i get leaves me intoxicated and breathless. god, i don't know how someone could be so beautiful. i'd do anything to feel this pain for my entire life. i love you so ******* much it hurts me. it hurts me to know that i lay in the palm of your hand, pondering whether or not you love me back.
you say you do and i think i believe you when you say it but there is always that fear. the fear of not being enough. i want to be enough and more. i want you to love me like i love you. these thoughts haven't stopped since july 4th when i saw you for the first time.
your ******* eyes, i could drown in them.

everybody will wait up to hear you speak his name
you will know how to identify drugs but not how to start a conversation with your aunt at thanksgiving
you will count the hours of sleep you get
you will not trust anyone
you won't realize the beauty of a secret
everybody will want to know how good it felt to hear you scream
you won't know what a happy ending is
you will look at the bruises on your body and make constellations
you will choke your meds down with *****
you won't recognize yourself

as the smile on your face fell, i fell with it

2:24 am

do you think it meant nothing
when your fingertips
danced across my skin?

i still have that feeling
in the pit of my stomach

and i have a galaxy growing in my mind
of all the kisses you planted into my body
on my collarbones
on my cheek
on my nose
on my fingertips
on my heart

I love you so much that it hurts and when I hear windchimes I feel your fingers running down my spine. the ocean isn't as pretty as your eyes and I love the sound of your voice, it's as calming as the waves. you make me feel safe and your two eyes and your heartbeat and your two arms are my home. I wouldn't want to spend my Tuesday nights anywhere but in the car listening to music and talking about our future. God, you make me feel like a little kid again. the sunset tonight doesn't even come close to how beautiful you make me feel and I love you so much that it hurts

for him
thank you:

for rubbing my back so i fall asleep
for moments when you make me laugh instead of make me cry
for loving me when i don't love myself
for kissing my forehead
for reminding me that there still are good people in the world
for caring about me
for calling me when its midnight and i can't stop crying
for telling me i'm beautiful
for days like today
for keeping my hands warm when it's cold outside
for keeping me safe
for laughing at my jokes
for letting me tickle you
for teaching me how to love again

first kisses don't mean anything
old photographs of family get togethers don't mean anything
your first dog
doesn't mean anything
the smell of your favorite flower
doesn't mean anything
the first home run you made in a baseball game
doesn't mean anything

because all of you go to hell

and all hell is,
is rewinding those family videos,
reblowing out your candles on your 6th birthday cake,
getting your heart broken by that one you thought would never break your heart
all hell is,
is a landfill
of those times you thought you'd live forever

the voices in my head, they won't stop yelling
they won't stop telling me to give up
the migraine in my head is pounding from their voices
i wish i could **** the migraine in my head but i don't know how
the vicodin makes the pain go away but what about the voices

missing his kiss is like calling for your dog even though it ran away

missing his touch is like trying to put back together a mirror
that shattered against the floor

missing his laugh is like attempting to put the blood back into your scraped knee

missing him is like asking your dead grandmother to make it to your birthday party

the earth crafted you so precisely. your skin is soft, cloudy, comforting. you are not just a road you are the whole city for a weekend getaway. you are home. you are not a hotel room. you are the light, not just a match. you are the entire garden. not a simple petal. you are the music in my ears. you are not just a song on the radio. it's terrifying to think that i am hypnotized with not just a small part of you, but all of your existence.

when i went overseas it was like each worry
each feeling of anxiety
each puzzle piece left out
each door left open
went away.
i stopped worrying.

we all need to stop worrying.

we don't have forever. each of us could be gone tomorrow, so, why're we living like we're trapped in some box?

make the best of it.

i'm broken inside and all i can seem to do is trace the mountaintops i wish to climb onto your skin. i try to envision our future in your eyes but lately i can't see past the tears i'm hiding. when we're laying and my legs are tangled with yours it's so hard to look past that moment and realize all the **** enclosing us. i want nothing more than to stay in your arms all of the time but the world bangs on our door and reality hits and i have to face my fears

things you left behind:

a case of shaky hands
a shirt you wore the day i fell in love with you
my heart, barely in one piece
(but it's fixed now.)
anger
(your mom still texts me every week)
a piggy bank of money we saved up for our retirement
the walls we painted in my room
(the walls aren't completely covered. it's ironic because you must not have completely loved me)
a box of movie tickets, roses, cards, all memories i haven't removed from under my bed
(your sense of humor is still with me but i don't think its funny that you now drown yourself in cheap alcohol and you probably can't remember my middle name)
bitterness
(i can't stand the thought of me being so weak because of what you did)

_

most of all, you left me behind
you left me to be weak
you left me to cry
you left me to hate myself even more than you hated me
you left me
and you left me so i could learn to love again
and i have, i have learned to love someone so much better than the way you loved me

thank you for leaving me behind

the dark nail polish doesn't begin to convey the sadness I feel
three people I know in the past few days
are gone

in a blink
in a flash

they are gone

but I guess I will be too someday.
tomorrow? next week? next month?

you lit a fire inside my eyes
it's only been four months but i feel like i've known you forever
you save me
it's only been four months but you're already my hero
you kiss me
it's been four months and i haven't stopped wanting your kiss
you can't put out the fire
even if you tried, i wouldn't let you
you lit a fire inside of me and i love you so much it burns

When I went to your house, I felt at home again.
Your dad gave me a hug. He probably felt each bone in my body rattling inside of me. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you again.
By the time I left your house, I hadn't stopped crying. Your lips stung my forehead. Your lips tasted like hell.
I wanted you so badly for all of the wrong reasons.
I wanted you to help me love myself. But you only hated me. You only muttered words under your breath.
When I got home that night, I finally stopped crying.
The "home" I felt at your house, was just familiarity.
You never loved me like I needed to be loved.
You changed.

your love
made me feel like a butterfly opening it's wings for the first time--
beautiful
yet terrified

your love
made me think i could stop all crimes and fight the biggest battles--
ambitious
and stupid

your love
made me crave you
like an addict craves it's needle--
dangerous
and helpless