Morning:
Wake up
Lather up
Wash off the nightmares
Put on my mask to hide the ugly underneath
Everyone loves your pretty face
Have to show them that so they can stand to see the rest of you
Hide your arms, your stomach the best you can
**** it in all you want, they all see your muffin top
I tell them, "Just makes me more delicious" so they will laugh **WITH me, not AT me
Because somehow that makes it okay
Finish the punchline before they even have time to think of the joke
Afternoon:
Take mental notes
Snap cerebral pictures
Remember every time you feel the stabbing eyes of disgust and pity
sting you like a thousand and one bees
Lock them away
Bury them down
Cry on your own
Don't let the fat girl tears spread their seed
Evening:
Make small talk
Tell them your "plans" for the night
Pretend that I'm not just going to go home and scribble the dribble that pollutes my thoughts
Hope that someone is actually listening
Hope even harder that this someone will show the slightest glimmer of interest
and for one speck of of a moment think that you are somebody who is worthy of any of their attention
When and where
and in what time and place did this ever become "my routine"
Did I do this to myself?
Why would I indulge any part of myself to fit this mold that society made for me?
News flash:
I am never going to fit
Day after miserable day I scramble for the approval of those who don't deserve to know the real me
The ones who snicker to themselves as I pass by
I'm fat, I'm not deaf
The ones who have never and will never walk a mile in my heavy shoes
Notice how the weight of my body leaves a much bigger imprint on this world than they ever will
My waistline is big, but my voice is bigger
My words will shutter your very existence in this stupid, mundane and sometimes beautiful world
I can sing and shout louder and stronger than any of those dainty, petty little girls
ever could or EVER would
I can feel and love much deeper than those so-called "men" who never gave me a second glance or even the slightest chance
Enough is enough
This routine stops here
I'm calling curtains on this performance I tricked myself to play
My mornings
will be filled with memories of sweet dreams
My afternoons
will be overflowing with good deeds and kind words
to those who really need them
I will bury and burn the pain and disdain I have felt through my years
and REFUSE to let hate be at home anywhere in my heart
My evenings
will be surrounded by my loved ones
Together we will stand and raise a song of
Truth
Beauty
Freedom
and above all other things
Love.
And as I lay my head to rest
I will count my blessings as I drift to sleep
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow is on it's way