No one is to blame,
I fell under a shadow.
Nothing wins again.

I was in love
with Denise,
(She sat behind me in the third grade and
moved away in the first few weeks of the fourth),
but it was Tasha,
(who sat next to me and was the
best friend of Denise),
that I would fantasize about.
I would wait in some bush
for her to pass by and then
leap out
wearing a black ski mask and
armed with a rag drenched in chloroform.

The part of the fantasy that would
constantly change was
the way I would drag her back to my trailer.
Sometimes
I would have a Tasha-size duffle bag and
other times
I just dragged her by her feet
or grabbed her by her arm pits.
I often thought it would be smart
to bring my little red wagon.
except that I didn’t have one

In my fantasy it was always late morning
because that’s when my mom wasn’t home.

Once I had Tasha naked in my room
I would tie her hands with a rope secured
to the ceiling
I would pinch and poke and rub Tasha’s body
everywhere.
And stare
She would be blindfolded but
I would leave my ski-mask on
just to be safe,
in case Tasha’s blindfold fell off,
you know?

it’s hard to find chloroform when you’re
only eight.  

Anyway,
she would squirm and writhe and
wiggle
but soon she would change a little
and she would start to moan
she would gasp
and eventually
she would beg for more.

And then more Chloroform
I would drag her back
so that when she woke up
she would maybe think it was
just some fantasy SHE had.

But Denise,
when I dreamed of her
we just rode bikes and stuff.

I was in love with her.

burn the light of fire
and wax the ears of injustice.

chide the moon
and bid ado to the reckless sun.

count the blessings of misfortunes
and wave verbs in the air--
breathing the hopeful breaths of married sandals

Label the pains of a billion rain drops and fawn the feathers
of a nightingale over the glory of failed
triumphs known as yesterday.

break the hands of a wristwatch and make a ******* of time--
for through the God in Satan was how Earth was won.

Through the rusted gas heater
The bed bends in this winter wind
I've been looking for a peace of mind
I've been searching for a way to spend my time
But when she came to me
She turned me into some other kind

I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling
Peeled white streaks of black brown show
What there is to learn, there is always more know
Too forgetful of the past
None too impressed about the future
The present is all I've got
But when she came I had to stop
And make my way from the bottom to the top

People around me all show to want the same thing
Money, a little power, and a white picket fence
Sport scores and sports cars I hear them roar
We've entered an age where were all wanting more
The grass beneath my feet has browned
Through the thicket I see the sun shine like a crown
And when she came to see me with a frown
I only felt the slow sting of my soul begin to drown

At night when no one is around I listen to these sounds
Dead trains with empty eyed conductors
Their fingers crooked like the beaks of vultures
Dust in their eyes is all they know of nurture
And when the dawn comes and the fawns run
She'll come to me in a faded yellow silhouette
Whistling a tune dangerous as Russian roulette

Sideways breeze rustles the thin white curtain
On the patched' weedy grass they call home
The dogs rest their bodies on a field of bones
Cool March cloud you ruled the sky today
I see no reason to hide this pain, I am here to pay
Four leaf clover in my pocket with my shoe laces untied
When she comes to see me
I hope she don't think that I have lied

The snowy water runs over my dirt stained hands
Free cars drone with broken radiators over free highways
There are two garages with two men I know in them
At last the moon shines through the thick storm clouds
And we put off what we've been wanting to say till now
She's coming through that open door
To show me what I'm breathing for

When I can no longer carry the burden I was born with
Bury me down nameless or tie me to a rock to sink
The waves of the river are gentle here
Look around you, be easy, there is no one near
Breathe the air that keeps you here
Think not only thoughts of comforts, but ones of fear
The best of her is yet to come
So there is no reason to get up and run

You know when there isn't anymore time in the day,
And you're waiting for something good to happen to make the day fit?
Remind yourself, a table is for eating at and the chair is there to sit
Don't rush, take no advice, beware one's who act too nice
Cause' the library is burning and I'm standing here yearning
For what she said to me before I went
Laying there beneath the stars alone in that tent

Faces facing the ember hill stand warmed by the sun
The lake beneath them swimming with shadows
Were all actors on a stage who some see as a cage
But every book that was written, was written page by page
Though some write from hands that are fake
They've always got other things at stake
But I've never seen her so opaque
She's a whispering willow at the line of day break

I saw something I didn't want to see
A land knee deep in a childish permanence
Too obsessed to see past their obvious forlorness
Struck by the thought that perhaps we are lost
So many forgetting that we can find each other
Too many forgotten faces on the streets
Every one fighting to keep their seat
But they know that she can't be beat
As they wipe their worn faces away of grease

At the table in this room surrounded by all this air
The trees dip back and forth in the wind without a care
I see her face blurry in the window from the lamplight outside
The brush I buried stands still in the lack of moonlight
She says my name in the back of my mind
And I've nowhere to go, nowhere to hide
She takes my arm and puts hers around me
A lock with no fit for the key

An intensity of a thought, and the intimacy of feeling produce the sound,
The announcement, immediate and incomplete, but monumental -
The outpour of falling words, running from my mouth like water droplets from the clouds…
A leap towards faith and freedom, towards the excitement of uncertainty -
Experiencing a brief moment of weightless resilience,
Strong, proud and fearless…
Fiercely crashing into their destination without restraint,
Saturating the contents,
          Slowly falling, seeping down further –
                                                               ­             Layer…
                                             ­                                                       Upon layer…
Hopefully finding welcome,
                                  Hopefully finding reciprocation.


It starts with an intensity of a thought, and the intimacy of feeling to produce the sound...

Warm water softly rinsed away all fragility

  a future, open, a fresh scent
    
       You were there when I awoke
             and I always remember

               the shades of light this world allows
                   only when we're together