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Kat May 17
Regret is a question - why?
Regret is the absence of an answer
Regret is a statement -
Should have would have could have
Words whispered past tight throats and
Twisted tears
Regret is frustration brimming out of a body
Like wax from a candle burned to the wick
Burning every happiness
Every hope
Every “everything happens for a reason”
Because if everything happens for a reason
I haven’t found it yet
And how could I ever think
I am better off now than I was before?
Regret is anger
Anger at the world
Anger at my bad luck
Anger at the ones who say “focus on the positives”
At the ones who stole my seeds of joy
And sowed sorrow instead
Regret is crying over what could have been
Grieving for goals, now misguided memories
Of what I wanted but can never have
And no, not everything goes as planned
But suddenly nothing has gone as planned
And I wonder
What the purpose of planning is
At all
Regret is pain
Physical mental and so ******* personal
Hidden behind subtle smiles and subtler sighs
Singing songs of surrender and silence
Setting limits I thought I’d never see
Regret is a realization
This is my new normal
There is no going back
I have to live with all the things
That regret is
And they will hurt me
They will make me cry
And curse
And tear silent screams from my lips
Yet I will survive
Because the world is too wonderful
To give into the
Should have’s would have’s could have’s why’s
Because every moment spent regretting
Is one less spent living
Because in the end
Regret is just another word
In the poem
Of life
Kat May 9
You’ve had too much despair in your life, you know now
You need rest, you need hope, you need happiness, how?
I’ll describe here a place where I choose to unwind-
The fantastical world that has captured my mind

Choose your plane, choose your town, choose your world in this place
Want a castle that’s suited to your very taste?
A nice nature-filled landscape, the city instead?
That’s alright, all’s fair game when you live in your head

Here you’ll find silver blimps that sail over the sea
Sunken swamps, farm-filled fields, raging rivers, trust me
Once you find your way here you will not want to leave
You’ll be lost in the stories you come to believe

Here you choose every character you want to play
What’s your past, what’s your place, what gets you through the day?
What has driven your actions in this ancient land?
What will drive you insane, and for what do you stand?

Here you’ll battle with demons, you’ll wander, you’ll steal
You’ll be cursed, you’ll be cured, you’ll perhaps learn to heal
You’ll make enemies, friends, allies, some in between
You’ll find portals and planes, some unseen and some seen

When you’re tired of pain, when you don’t want to think
Of reality you’ve been confronted with, sink
Into this — and imagine away all your fears
Spend some time in this world, you’ll find solace for years
Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time lost in my imagination, dreaming of a world inspired by D&D campaigns, TV shows, music and novels. However, escaping to this place has helped me get through some rough times, and I continue to turn here to help me relax and thrive in the “real world."
Kat Apr 10
They think
I am so kind
They see my
Awkward apologies
Offers to help
Smiles at strangers
Kind words to people
Who are not kind back
They call me cheerful
Optimistic
Opportunistic
They think I’m motivated
Not melancholy
But they’d never know
That inside me lies the ice
Of apathy
Of cynicism
Cold in my stomach
Cold in my soul
They'd never know
That sometimes
When I can’t take it anymore
The chill spreads
Creeps into my bones
Wraps its ghostly fingers
Around my heart
My gut
My lungs
And I can no longer hold in
My thoughts:
Nothing matters
We’re all going to die
People are evil
Want an example?
Just listen to the news
Just listen to my story
Friendships fade
People pass away
The world is filled
With so much ******* pain

They don’t know
And when I explode
They are surprised
Shouldn’t have been surprised
This is how I deal with the world
Hide behind a facade
No one wants to be friends
With a cynic
But one day this cynicism
This apathy
Will freeze me solid
See
I have walked through fire
Fought embers of anger
And I like to say
I am a phoenix
Who can rise again
From the ashes
But I know
I was not made
To withstand the cold

They think
They know me
But they don’t know this thing
That lies in wait
Waiting to envelop me
Entirely
To kiss my lips
Until they crack
To freeze my brittle bones
Till they break in two
To destroy my skin
Till it turns black and dead
To distort my pretty face
Into a twisted grimace
To leave me a frozen corpse
To lie forever
In the eternity
Of this cruel world
I wrote this poem about one of my D&D characters, but it draws upon some of my experiences with feeling apathetic and cynical when depressed/anxious.
Kat Apr 10
I am so tired of this pain

Sometimes it’s physical -
The dull ache of muscles permanently tight
The sharpness of a joint flared up
The stinging and burning of an injection
The constant throb of a perpetual headache
This pain
Contorts my face into grimaces
Clenches my hands into white-knuckles fists
Arches my back when I want to stay still
Tears cries from my lips when I want to stay silent

Sometimes it’s emotional —
Anger settling in my gut like a slow-burning fire
Fear turning my stomach to a bottomless pit
Sorrow ripping my heart and squeezing my chest tight
This pain
Makes tears flow down my cheeks like drops of rain
Leaves me languishing in lethargy till I have nothing left
Leaves me shaking in a ball, too scared for comfort

Parasitic pain
Burying into my calm
Eroding at my resolve
Until it crumbles like a building in a quake
Until I explode
And the glass of my windows shatters
And the fire in my stomach flares up
And consumes me whole
Until I scream at the ones I love
Until I tell them how nothing matters
Until I break free of my facade
Of calm and kindness and concern
Exposing the raw cynic beneath
Until I keep doing it
Until it breaks me
Until I lose anything and everything
I have ever loved
Until I tell myself to stop
And I don't  
Because hurting others
Hurts me
And although I have already
Hurt so much
I still feel like
I need to hurt more
Kat Mar 30
Can you write your sorrow into a lyrical flood,
Ink staining the page instead of tears,
Words dripping from your hand like drops of blood,
Lines so potent they bring back memories, fears?

You say, **** this poem, you’re not yearning for release,
But sometimes letters are better than spoken words.
The memory of what’s said once will never cease,
But a piece of paper is so easily burned.

If humans were stoic like the cliffs by the sea
Or the jagged crags below a mountainside,
You wouldn’t have the need to etch out your pleas
For escape from the dreams of all the times you cried.

You wouldn’t have to relive your relentless pain
When it flares up like ashes smoldering in sand,
And despair comes to drown you like poison rain
As a pencil shakes at the end of your hand.

But you know that we cannot hope for reprieve
From the torrent of emotions that flows and abates.
We live in a world where we suffer and we grieve;
There is nothing we can do but talk and write and wait.

So write your ****** poem, fill it with joy and rage,
Embrace the catharsis, let the embers slowly die.
Pour your heart out onto an open, empty page,
Knowing it’s what makes you feel truly alive.
Kat Feb 25
Like a phoenix I'll rise from the ashes of fire 
The more I endure the more strong I'll become 
Cause I won't live with burns without learning to tend them 
I'll walk through the flames, I won't stop till I'm done 

Like a phoenix I'll make a new life from the cinders 
A heat that no mortal should ever survive 
Some are scorched by abuse, violence, hatred; all struggle,
My enemy lies in the thoughts in my mind 

Like a phoenix I'll show all my brilliant beauty 
Although I know I don't quite resemble the rest 
I'll combat all the hatred, cause people don't know me 
I'm stronger than them when I'm feeling my best 

Like a phoenix I'll fly above all that will hurt me 
I've suffered, I know I'll keep suffering with time 
So I'll take all my memories and use them to make me 
A person I love, who can finally shine
This poem was inspired by a line from the song "Phoenix" by Stratovarius: Like the phoenix I rise / From the ashes of life
Kat Feb 25
They tell me it's ok. 
They say, don't have to be strong on your own -- 
That's what friends are for.
They say, you're not a burden, 
I'll let you know when it's too much. 
They say, your friends will help you now,
I'm sure you'll help them later. 
They say, you already help them
More than you know. 

But here's the thing --
Maybe I do help them now --
Listen to them, hold them when they cry, 
Cook for them, clean for them,
Distract them when they need. 
But what happens in those moments 
When I'm utterly distraught,
Too anxious to do anything 
But huddle in my room and sob? 
How can I help them them then? 
How can I help them 
When the sight of a friend in pain
Hurts like a knife in my gut; 
When my heart aches at hearing their cries; 
When I panic knowing they are upset, 
And suddenly become the person
Who needs comforting
Instead of the person
Who can always be counted on
To comfort?
 
How can I help them 
In the times they most need me? 
How can I repay them 
For what they have done for me --
When I ranted for hours, 
Sobbed on their bedroom floor, 
Told them I'd help them someday
Like they were helping me 
And didn't know if I would ever be able
To do the same? 

They say, you'll get better. 
You won't always feel like this. 
Look at how much you do already. 
But here's the thing -- maybe I won't. 
Cause I will always be an empath. 
I have no shield to separate me from the pain
Of the people I love.
I let it infect me, 
Inflame my fears,
Ignite my indecision, 
And I will always be anxious, 
At least when it comes to those I love. 
There is a reason I can handle the stress of exams 
But I panic when my parents raise their voice. 
There is a reason I do not dream
Of being chased by monsters 
But of hurting the people I love 
And of losing them and being alone. 
There is a reason 
I worry when I think about the future, 
When I question why they are my friends, 
When I convince myself I hurt others 
Even when they tell me
I don't.

I've been told not everyone is like this. 
I've been told I am too selfless. 
I've been told that maybe I am like this
Because seeing people I love suffer as a child 
Caused me to hate suffering now. 
But whatever the cause, 
I hate this anxiety, 
This empathy, 
This fear of hurting and of being hurt, 
This desire to help and this belief that I can't. 

This is not the future me 
I want to envision; 
But it is the only vision 
I can see. 
And I know that part of healing myself 
Is healing this part of me 
The part that panics at another's pain
And weeps inside at another's cries. 
I need to harden my heart 
To the suffering that is part of life. 
I need to rebuild my shield, 
Pick up the broken pieces
And fasten them anew. 
But I'm not strong enough now. 
And I don't know 
If I will ever be.
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