a mere reminder of a good thing
but turned out good in itself
my mind traversed the ladder
in this prison of high shelves

and boy, was i doomed
for you can't marry a man you just met
but from across that very room
i ached to taste your cigarette

schemed it all until you noticed
my eyeliner and highwaist
soul shaken by the gyrodrop
when our eyes met in the hallways

you made me feel like twelve
in year twenty-two
cause in a vase full of roses
a lilac was you

how frightening, to forget the lyrics to my favorite song
how frightening, to get lost in a place i call my own
t'was horrifying, not having things under my control
horrifying, being pulled back as i try to crawl

the books were wrong and the movies lied
you weren't a storm, and i didn't cry
you were an ocean silently seeping through my boat
and i was smiling, thinking above it i could float

it didn't feel like 8am on the first day of class
but a 4pm sunset on an empty room so vast
my mind was in shambles, looking for an answer
no word in the dictionary could my heart ever muster

and what was my sheltered being supposed to do
with all that i've ever known suddenly untrue
my peace was shaken, i couldn't move forward
the reality of you has rendered me coward

you are no longer
a lump in my throat
but i still drown
in the waves of self-loathe
cause falling was never
part of the plan
but your presence shook
the grip of my hands

you were the vice
my mom warned me about
but your name will not be
traced in my mouth
cause you may taste
like wine on my tongue
but of all the things i like
wine was never one

so i'm finally going
to spew you out
i'll spew and spit
and puke out loud
you'll leave me like
you've never been here before
and i won't be dragged
back to you anymore

it's nothing like they painted in the books,
this thing we call home
where hearts and souls roam;
only throats constantly hanging on hooks

hand in hand at dinner tables, praying;
but what they forgot
was pleading with God
for some patience at 6 in the morning

no laughing under the bright christmas trees,
warm conversations,
pointing stars til dawn;
only tighter grips for a hug and kiss

is it me or them or the books that's wrong?
is home even real,
or a far fetched dream?
because this place feels very far from home

she stares at her reflection on the mirror
drunk in eudaimonia, she sways to the beat
there she has it, what others try to fight for
there she has it, what the hopeless badly needs

letting the song blast, she leans against the wall
eyes twinkling as hard as the stars in the sky
to both of her cheeks, a strawberry curve falls
cause in loving herself, she's found her own fire

regardless of who was there to hear, she cried
in happiness, in faith, in hope, and in love
regardless of who was there to see, she strived
with soul, with grit, with the freedom of a dove

and though there are scars that would never heal
she'll live and love to see what the world reveals