i do not believe in god
but i do believe in poetry
and for me
maybe poetry is prayer
and the universe
is an unwavering ear
in the shape of a god

you make me feel like poetry
i too often find myself
turning my relationships
into poems
i write them into
the sea
the flowers
the stars
the song
but this time
you
you make me feel like poetry

the universe must be testing me
she said
there must be something
so incredible on the horizon
that she could not appreciate
without this
the bad
and maybe the universe is reminding her
that bad things do not only come in threes
that is just another thing
we tell ourselves
to justify the hurt
or the universe is letting her know
she is resilient
that she can withstand this long
of this many bad things
and the universe says
that this may be a strange time
but when is it not
the universe reminds her
she is most true in tragedy
she is most authentic in angst
or maybe the universe
just wants to remind her
it is here
to hold her tight
through all of this
maybe that is all she needs

she tells me
i don’t deserve this
and i pretend to believe her
i pretend to agree
i pretend i do not blame myself
i pretend to not find fault in every breath
i pretend like i am happy
i pretend it does not hurt
i pretend
i pretend
i pretend
because maybe for me
pretending is praying
it is sending these things away
hoping for a generous ear
and god is the universe
and i hope that she is patient
and i hope she is forgiving
and i hope that she is there
more than anything
she is there
she has to be

i am from
chipped yellow nail polish
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
i am from
bare feet on the driveway
i am from
shooting stars and full moons
i am from
the rolling stones on vinyl
i am from
poetry books and lavender tea
i am from
vines encapsulating the brick walls
i am from
lazy sundays
i am from
brown eyes
i am from
never enough snow days
i am from
pausing and rewinding movies
i am from
where time moves a bit slower
i am from
queerness
i am from
mom, i’m sorry
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough

i am from
chipped yellow nail polish
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
i am from
bare feet on the driveway
i am from
shooting stars and full moons
i am from
the rolling stones on vinyl
i am from
poetry books and lavender tea
i am from
vines encapsulating the brick walls
i am from
lazy sundays
i am from
brown eyes
i am from
never enough snow days
i am from
pausing and rewinding movies
i am from
where time moves a bit slower
i am from
where happiness is the same as sunshine
i am from
home
i am from
here

maybe there is something about being back here/ something about this bed that feels more lonely/ that makes me want to call you/ i wish we could start over/ i wish that night never happened/ for both of us not just for me/ because i loved being held by you/ i loved the way you played with my hair/ i loved the way you wanted me and wanted to show me off/ i wish i met you at a different time in my life/ i want to be able to care about you again/ and seeing you in this place/ makes me miss seeing you in my bed/ seeing you on the balcony/ seeing you in class/ seeing you at all/ i know i should not miss you/ i know i should hate you/ i know i should hate that night/ but i don’t/ i can’t/ i remember you holding my hand/ i remember you keeping me up/ i remember the stairs/ the car ride/ i remember these all fondly/ and then i remember that night in my bed/ the dissonance hits me over the head like an empty beer bottle/ smashing and cracking with every move/ and i start to feel it all over again/ i know there should not be this push and pull/ but if i stop now/ i lose the game of tug of war