Pull the air from my lungs.
So I can't speak
Cut my throat so I'm quiet.
Kiss me so I don't say anything.
Silence me, suffocate me.
Drain my heart.
Please stop me from saying I love you.
Because it would ruin.
Everything.
I love you.

I hate this feeling.
Like I'm trying too hard and bothering him.
Like I'm creepy and I need to go away.
I hate this pain in my chest.
It's like he's left me everyday since we met.
Sometimes the hate gets to my throat and my eyes
Sometimes the hate spills out.
It feels like he has hated me since the first moment we spoke.
fear of adulthood and the fear of being alone.
Or of being hated.
I've never had anybody so when you started talking to me I took it seriously and clung to you.
Then when you changed your mind and said you hated me, I learned to hate myself
I took your disinterest in me as a sign.
then when we messed around I took it as my life was starting and I could finally have fun.
Only to find out you were using me. And the hate reached a new threshold.
Only when I took you back as a friend only to have you date another girl did I hate myself the most.
Only then did I clench my throat in class to stop myself from crying.
Only then did I wish I could slit my throat and bleed to death.
Only then did I love you the most and feel the worst about myself.
Because you loved her after a month of knowing her and all you've done is hate me all this time. Because she gets the best parts of you and I get blocked, and hated.
Hate spills onto my cheeks and onto the floor.
Hate clouds my eyes and comes out through my pores.
Hate fills my lungs and my heart instead of you anymore.

And now I don't have anybody. I wish I could replace him just have someone to take up the space. Because there's this huge space in my life that was so full when we were together. That's why I let him go on for so long he just made me feel so great about myself and my future and I was excited when I was with him and it was real and now I just have nothing. He just moves on with the next girlfriend and I'm just empty again

Sit in my car with my friends
Mind so far from you
Then
You're ahead, but I don't know that
Your girlfriend comes up to the window of a car in front of us
Just as I've convinced myself it's not you she's talking to
,
You lean out of the window
Your lips
On hers
On and on I can't tear my eyes away
Like a car wreck but I'm the one crashing
Affection I craved that you gave to her
Right
In front of me.
It's easy to forget our conversations when I see you love her
What we had pales, no it dies compared to just a single kiss with her
Something that overtakes my mind every second of everyday is nothing at all.
Your lips
On hers.
Only tears on mine.
Only screams on mine.
Only.
Once I thought you loved me.
Once I thought we were everything.
Then
I saw you kiss her
And lay your head on her chest
I saw you give her everything and realized how little you gave me.
Realized how much I missed.
Months of trying to get over you destroyed
Just
Seeing your lips
On hers

One second of seeing you and I'm in the bathroom smoking
So stressed and upset I need a hit
One moment seeing you happy without me and I need to get away
I need to smoke and
Forget

Choosing to finally stop feeling so bad for myself
Cut people out that hurt me
Choose to leave
Choose not to hurt
Choose a future
Choose to hope
Choose my life
Choose myself for once

Or depressed?
This never ends, it's interrupted by moments of being
Ok. Returning every time.
"You're just heart broken" then why does every bone in my body miss a person who only hurt me.
If only my heart were broken.
Instead it's my mind.
"You don't know my pain"
You don't know mine, a special kind of weakness and loneliness.
Maybe it's temporary but my friends make fun of me
The ones closest to me put me down
Maybe I don't know what I am