One second of seeing you and I'm in the bathroom smoking
So stressed and upset I need a hit
One moment seeing you happy without me and I need to get away
I need to smoke and
Forget

Choosing to finally stop feeling so bad for myself
Cut people out that hurt me
Choose to leave
Choose not to hurt
Choose a future
Choose to hope
Choose my life
Choose myself for once

Or depressed?
This never ends, it's interrupted by moments of being
Ok. Returning every time.
"You're just heart broken" then why does every bone in my body miss a person who only hurt me.
If only my heart were broken.
Instead it's my mind.
"You don't know my pain"
You don't know mine, a special kind of weakness and loneliness.
Maybe it's temporary but my friends make fun of me
The ones closest to me put me down
Maybe I don't know what I am

The school bathroom
The darkest stall
Standing trying to stop shaking
Tears enough to ruin my face
Sobs loud enough to make everyone leave
Thoughts of you kissing her
Pure defeat

Just the fat girl. The one nobody really likes. They all say hi and humor me but in the end, I'm nobody.
I'm nothing. I'm meant to be ignored.
I'm meant to be alone.
I'm meant to be replaced and forgotten.
Just dirt. Just an end. Just a mistake. I thought if I ended things between us I could get over you
But my happiness only lasted a moment
Then my jealousy rises from my stomach
I'm thinking about suicide letters
Fighting with my friends
Getting put down and mistreated
Just a second longer
Just another year
Just another person telling me I'm too much
Not enough
Nothing at all
Thinking about ways to end it all
Thinking about what to say to my mother
To my sister
To my 11 year old brother
To you.
Just one more.

Today I thought I might connect our dots.
I might smile. Maybe with you.
Then you looked right past me, dead eyes.
Alive in another world with another girl.
You forgot me, you let me go.
So our dots stayed disconnected.
I decided to end the potential.
I couldn't bring myself to see you
Because I know I'm weak when you're near.
So I messaged you and said
I'm realizing a lot and there's stuff I can't forgive you for. To move on in my life I need to promise myself that I'll never speak to you again. It just isn't good for me. Just don't want you to take it personally, I still respect you. Just don't want to go back to anything, I'm a different person.
You were cold, and short.
I hope you understand that I wanted to love you
But none of this was right.
I need to move on.
The first step was to end it between us.
End all the memories, good and bad.
End all the possibilities and all the feelings.
End all our chances.
I pray I was right to end this. Please let me be right.
Please tell me our dots weren't meant to connect.

you stole something from me when you lied
i believed you
i trusted you with everything in me
i didn't doubt you at all
you threw it all in my face.
broke me bit by bit, lie by lie
made me feel stupid for being so blind
you embarrassed me
trapped me
convinced me you were changing
only for me to learn your only change was me
you were getting rid of me
throwing me away
tricking me into thinking you were good and new
when really you just got tired of me
i wish you had just told me the truth
that i'm annoying and a burden to you
i wish i didn't feel this
i would do anything to tell you
but then you would lie and i know that
i would
believe you