i start by telling her i am convinced there are almost no moments that matter,
like really profoundly matter,
and i am subliminally convinced of this, especially when i am alone.
but then i swear to her, there i was all alone in a basement staring a small, blurry two dimensional copy of you,
and when i look at your smile in the photo, mine grows bigger
and i let out this soft, unintentional laugh,
at the exact moment i feel tears rolling down my face, and my body seems to know before my heart does, and my heart knows before my mind does.  
and i knew then.
i knew then that i was wrong, that i was not stuck in a series of inutile moments that in grand design, meant nothing at all. if all the other moments i thought a waste led me here, i valued them.
this moment was a brick wall and a cleansing rain. it was the absolute moment i knew i would spend my life happily earning your trust, your time, your heart.
i tell her this with relief on my breath because the hurricane in my head named after you has settled, and i am more than ready to start building back up.

I remember you when mom died grandpa.
I was so small and frightened.
You took me to your home.
I remember your unshaven face and
brown hard working hands Grandpa.
you fixed everything with your hands.
But you fixed me with your love.

you gave me mom's old room.
You told me it was her safe place
and she would visit me there.
When she was settled in heaven.

I told you I did not
believe in heaven Grandpa.
You said it's alright I will one day.
Heaven was a different
place for everyone.

When I got hurt
you always picked me up
in your huge arms Grandpa.
it was always so safe.

I never told you Grandpa
I lied when I said
I don't believe in heaven.
You and grandma were my heaven.

I know you have gone
now to your heaven.
Sat in a kitchen up there
eating food from the old country.
Grandma at the stove
mom on your knee listening
to stories of Europe
before the war.

My heaven was
with you all grandpa.
I think I will
change my heaven
to yours after all.
That's all I want Grandpa
just our heaven.

I only wish
there was a post office
in our heaven
and I could send
this letter to you .

All My Love
Jude

There's an angel in my heart.
She is beautiful and so loving.
I can hear her weeping sometimes.
She wants to come out of me
And to let everyone see her.
But I keep her imprisoned,
She is my very private angel.

People can see only
the worldly tough me .
the one who doesn't
take wooden nickels.
The one who never cries.
With a Missouri
show me attitude

But sometimes
When the night is long
and quiet.
And you are
Lay with me beautiful
and full of softness.

I let her out
Just for you to see her.
She changes the glow
of the gentle light
that outlines your body.
She frames your hair
like a halo.

She softens my voice.
Almost to a whisper,
I say stupid things.
That Tough old me
would never say.
Like
you are the most
beautiful thing in my life.
And I love you
so very much honey.
She makes me
gentle and loving.
It must be some kind
of Angel trick.

But then as the morning
yawns sunlight into
our bedroom window.
I put my angel in prison again
And get ready to face
the garish world.
For just one more day

Sometimes when
you stare at me.
I feel naked
and made of clay.

Just a sheet of white paper.
your eyes cut me
like razor blades.
Your white teeth
chew my shapes.

you have all the powers
I am being folded
into the object
you desire.
A deer
a bird
a building.

your deft fingers fold
and cease my shape.
can you not see me.
Can you not feel me.

my flesh is
soft and pliable
my heart beating
wildly with passions.
Like a captive bird
held in your hand.

My mind clear and decisive
I crave only your love,
your tenderness,
to please your needs.

yet you fold
me once again
firmly sharpening
each crease.
In your eyes
I am just
origami.

"These streets reminds me of you. Every corner, is like a fragment of once was. Every smile from a stranger brings back memories of your own smile. I've traced your footsteps like it was mine. I knew going back to this place will be painful, and reminiscing every happy memory will be a torture but I could care less. This is the closest we've been. For me it feels like home, that you're just here, that there's still hope in the story. Then reality hits me, you're not here anymore. The damage has been done and these are all just ghosts of the past. In my mind I wish I could've said these words "Stay. Just stay a little longer."

"They say that there's always a rainbow after the storm. That there's someone who'll pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and will fill the missing fragments of you. They say that you'll love again. A love that will shake your world and will come knocking at the walls you've build around you like tidal waves. Someone that will lighten your already dark world that is brighter than all the city lights. Late nights won't be about you crying on your bedroom anymore. It'll be about you staying up till 4am because that's how much she makes you happy  Someone that loves you so much you'll question your own sanity. I am a living, breathing proof that someday someone will come who will make you smile more than ever. Hang in there my friend, it will all be okay.
-Note to self

It was 4am when I started writing about you
I still remember how the last “I love you” sounds like.
Every minute that passes the pain grows
But It wouldn’t even compare to the pain I’ve caused you

Baby you have limits. I’m sorry I’ve forgotten how I made you feel that night
When I started destroying the last piece of trust you have in me.
I can hear the sorrow in your voice. Oh the disappointment.
My eyes are drenched with tears flowing like rain.

You told me how much it hurts that you couldn’t even cry.
Your face is pale and your arms is shaking.
I wanted you to hurt me so that you could get even
But you loved me so much you couldn’t.

Regrets. Those ******* regrets. Is it too late to say I’m sorry?
You told me you wanted some time to think.
I was too scared to give you that space.
I was too scared you’ll learn to live without me and eventually you’ll leave me.

I’ve asked you everyday “Do I make you happy?” And you said yes too many ******* times. That was my goal since day 1 because I knew you deserved it all. All your life you have been putting other people’s sake before yours.
I wanted to be that man for you but I was the one who destroyed you.

I was supposed to be the one who’ll help you rise from the ashes
But I was the one who started the wildfire in your heart.
I was supposed to protect you from harm but I was the one who put you to it.
Baby you loved me so much you didn’t care.

I got so ******* wasted
I couldn’t recognise the taste of water anymore
My mouth is drenched in alcohol and my lungs is filled with smoke.
You’re not supposed to feel that way. I was supposed to be your ******* saviour but I’ve killed what’s left in you.

I taught you why hurricanes are named after people.
I brought the storm in your life.
Darling, I’ve wasted your young years.
You said you didn’t care. You said you still loved despite of what happened. But your eyes told a different story.

I knew from the start that it would be you.
My mind was like “oh hello, there you are. I’ve been looking for you my whole life.” I was filled with familiarity with the passion you have shown me. I drowned in your ocean of melancholia.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I want you. I ******* want you.
I don’t want you to be another failure in my already ****** up life.
You weren’t scared of my monsters but they ate you whole.
I’m sorry. Love me. I beg you.

We talked about the universe under the roof of my room.
You calmed me when I was too ******* frightened of the heartbreaks that other people has caused me before. Love me again and I’ll show you that during that moment, you were the only person I’ve cared about.

Let me go back to the start. Take another path.
I’ll bring back the galaxies in your eyes. Until I met you I have never known the word addiction. Forgive me I craved the the canvass that is your body that I forgot you were protecting it. I was just too mesmerised with you. I ******* adored you.

You took my heart, I will never ask for it back. Carry it as if it’s yours.
Feel how every beat of it screams your name. I don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore just to **** the butterflies in my ribs. I ******* miss your smile it hurts my whole body. I’m sorry for the coward I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Madness, madness utter madness, a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear!All of last seasons are out style and no shoes match this seasons designs! Two closets later and nothing seems to fit right. Have I lost my mind or am I just to picky? What shall I wear? Will someone please tell me? I cannot decide on what colors go together and I am flustered! Only 8 hours until I must appear at a party to die for, I just need to get a new wardrobe and start all over again!

Love is a principle
Not an emotion,
Feelings are too flighty
On which to base your devotion.
Love flutters
She’s a butterfly to catch your attention
With net in hand,
She defies comprehension.
Labels are helpful
But they never stick
Try reading her palm,
But it’s only a trick.
So I live in limbo
Confused and never knowing
I see her there,
Is she coming or going?
If I stop thinking
It all feels right
I’ll let myself go
And melt in her light.