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Jun 2018 · 279
Twelve AM
Pure of Stars Jun 2018
At twelve am my mind wonders
It wonders from each memory to the other
It starts off with the sound of my parents falling out of love
It starts off with all of the screaming
I watch my own mom bring a gun to her head
Only to be stopped by a slap and than another one
And than it gets quiet a bit
Quiet enough for to hear a little girl crying
Crying because suddenly she has no friends
Suddenly she feels so lonely
That girl has identical eyes and hair as me
And than it gets worse
The sound of a blade against skin for the first time
The first time turns into the second time, then into the third
Until it’s an addiction
Than it stops
Because suddenly I watch empty bottles of wine lay around the ground
I watch my own mom tell me how it’s my fault  
My fault that my dad left her
My fault that I have no friends
That I wasn’t supposed to be born anyway
But she doesn’t remember that the next morning
I watch my eight year old sister tell me to **** my self
Tell me that no one will miss me
That I’m nothing but a burden
Then it gets louder and louder and louder
Suddenly my dad is telling me that he’s sad
so sad that he wants to **** himself
He’s sad because of me
It’s getting even louder
I’m shaking
My whole body is shaking
But my hand is over my mouth to keep me from making a noise
To make sure I don’t wake anyone up
Because at twelve am
My mind wonders
Just some of the reasons why I can’t sleep at night. Why don’t you tell me why you can’t sleep? Don’t worry though, the stars are there to keep you company.
May 2018 · 196
The dullest star
Pure of Stars May 2018
When you look up into the night sky you never notice the dullest star

and when you gaze into a pond full of rocks you never see the smallest pebble

No one wants to explore a stream of water when there are oceans of beauty

  Yet I hope to be seen in a garden of flowers when I am but a blade of grass

And even if I’m the prettiest asteroid what am I compared to Jupiter

For what is a girl like me in a world full of people like you
Is it just me or is it hard not to compare? I try my best at everything but I always fall short. Falling shorter than everyone else. I watch everyone rise above, as I only fall.
May 2018 · 217
Pure of Stars May 2018
I breathe in, my lungs inflate like a ballon inside the barrier we call skin, they burn. As if a fire has been set in me, no longer allowing me to breathe. I manage to breathe out one long shaky breath. My eyes are like a dam, holding back water, tears. Tears that have been stored for months, maybe years. Each mean word and rude comment filling more water into me. I close my eyes. Words come out of my mouth. Words that I’ve managed to say. Words that come up empty. Words so hallow that you could knock on them and  only hear a remaining echo. You ask again, as if repeating a question will change my answer. You ask if I’m okay. You ask if everything is fine. My heart tightens, my lungs stop. My jaw clenches. These words. That question. Always that question. Then my heart starts again. And my lungs. Everything starts again.I say I’m fine. I always say I’m fine. I always tell the same lie. A lie that is so forcefully shoved out of my mouth. And so I pretend. Making up dreams in my mind about me being okay. But it is okay, because sometimes I believe my own lies too.
Can you relate to this? How do you make this feeling stop?

— The End —