February 1, 2014
10:52 PM

i keep pausing between messages
hoping that you'll come online
and tell me in a rush just how much you love and miss me
but that'll never be the case because
no matter how long i wait
i know you're not coming back
i'm on my own
alone in my head
vulnerable and weak from the constant buzzing going on in there
i do not like what the voices have to say but they get so chatty at nighttime
and it's getting harder to tune them out

i just want to be in your arms
i always feel safe when i'm with you
but you're miles away doing who knows what
though i'm sure thinking about me is not included on that list
you aren't here and i don't know if i can fall asleep
with this chatter in my brain
and this emptiness in my head and my heart and this room
it's all much too big for me i feel so tiny and
my bed feels huge without you here to take up the other half
or to hog the blanket when it gets cold

my thoughts are loud but the voices are louder
and they will keep getting louder throughout the night
i doubt i’ll be able to sleep much tonight
but if i do manage to silence my demons and put them and myself to rest
i know i’ll only dream of you because you’re
all i ever seem to think about anymore
even when i’m unconscious and have no control over
which memories my brain chooses to thumb through

my eyes burn from staring at this screen all day
i really deserve a break but can never find the time
to just let myself be free and happy and simply okay with myself
it’s what i really want and what i should be doing with my time
but instead i’ll just sit here in bed thinking about you
i won’t move a muscle i’ll just hide here in the dark
thinking about you and what we were and what we could have been
dreaming about you during the night and
daydreaming about you during the day
no time to eat or drink or bathe or sleep or breathe or live
only ever time to think and wonder and cry
and write down my messy feelings in
a way that appears to be poetic
but really is ****

January 19, 2014
12:21 AM

the tiny galaxies in my mind
behind my eyes have burst
temporarily blinded, the world is lost in darkness
****** into a black hole where am i
where am i going and how will i get there now
maybe by bus or by train
riding on the back of a shooting star
or the wings of a monarch butterfly
oh darling will you be my starlight
my everlasting sunshine
and guide me through this
everlasting absence of it
will you hold my hand
and promise to never let go
to never let me fall into the abyss?
i've fallen enough in my life and
by enough i mean once and
that one time was ‘in love with you’

your fingertips glide across my skin;
tracing the curve of my back and
all the faults that reside thereof.

scars,
dimples,
birthmarks,
s t r e t c h marks.

these little imperfections
appear to be not just here,
but everywhere
on my godforsaken body.
they are all so uniquely diverse,
yet i find myself loathing
each and every one of them.

your touch sends
a sudden shiver racing down my spine,
as if a wire were tied around it,
sending electric waves throughout my body.

i can feel the goosebumps forming,
and the familiar chill that comes with them.
they spread [across my body] like wildfire,
making them a contradiction.

my pulse quickens,
and i find myself feeling restless.
as the night goes on,
i cannot help but give in
to the terribly obscene thoughts
that i have for you.

the kind of girl
who loves the world
but can't stand to live in it.
who loves to cook
but can't get herself to eat.
who loves to write
but fails to express herself.
because all she feels is 'numb'.

the kind of boy who
has a big heart
but doesn't know how to use it.
who gives to others
and helps them as much as he can
but doesn't leave enough time
to help himself.
who wants to be the hero
but doesn't realize
that you can't save everybody
(especially those who
do not want to be saved).

a girl with a shattered heart
and tear-stained cheeks
found in her room with
slashed wrists
and blood-stained sheets