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Shapeless soul candy beautiful boy
You're hot, no need to be coy
So why am I calling you boy?

Blue eyed man
I know you got tired of who I am.


Meet me at the threshold
of our worlds
Who shot me? I am losing blood
take me
where aliens escape to earth
I tasted human water
now spacey air no longer fed

You live at the border
between madness and light
you peek inside
and you found me there

And I found you there
your blue eyes and your entrancing touch
dark **** nights at parks!
you are a gift I was given now
now I know how love feels
now I know how wholeness must be!
not inadequacy and dysfunction
(not all the **** I took from him)
now I know how warm it must be
when you just can grab what you wish
a melting sweet in your palm
grab it while it's cold

You are beautiful
you are shapeless too
it's one of the reasons
why you're so good

You are shapeless because you need nothing else
no enhancements because you're yourself
I paint you in my brain this way

Kiss me goodbye
or kiss me hello
keep me in your heart
I will do so
even if I could not be enough

Shapeless guy
Miracle in Bumble
A dream to hold close
Though, he is probably gone
1d · 26
When it crashes
it does not make a sound
muffled scream, no alarm
All the pain, contained

When it crashes
it just shatters, breaks
there's no warning in the air
there's no outer signals
of what's coming over
it crashes, and you crash together

No catharsis at all
The crash creeps in slowly
till it shreds the core!
There were patterns and omens
(there always are)
but we were partially blind
to them
it wasn't in our fate to see those lights
When it crashes, be (not) ready
Because it won't be a tragedy
You will be torn in a million parts
no pictures to match
what goes inside
3d · 23
Lover bandage
(Mom does not know a thing
Mom she never did
I am a ****** to her eyes, the ****** queen
with a thread of men in my dreams
Mom does not suspect, the pain
can she see through me?)

Know you're hurt inside
We all try to survive
We try to get along with life, put people in our ride
What am I to you, what have you been to me?

I trust life a lot - got nothing more
I see the signs in the roads
they speak worlds
Everything speaks at once
And it's way too much

You're a wounded child
******* with anyone you find
You love me in your own twisted way
And I love you with my characteristic strength:
obsessing, but also giving myself

Are you the bandage
no, you're more than a simple passage
a passage zone - that just maybe

Sometimes I envision the future
I can feel your hot kiss
The caress that he would never give
You could save me
you could take me away from here
but first I need to save myself
first I need to be my own agency

I am trapped on him
he doesn't let go of me
not even in my bed
he spreads all over my dreams
like plague, like spring

But slowly you're creeping in
Still, it's all about him
I hope you do,
I hope he decides quick

Are you the balm
you're beautiful God you are!
you turn me on so much
but I've got a lovely limp
he cut my feet
he restrained my limbs
and I am happily gagged
while he roams around without me
But I can't live like this

Are you the key
tarot cards can't help me now
let's take it to the park
let's take it to our dreams
Blue eyes against hot glasses.
Spring against scorching dangerous summer.
Climate change!
"A lot of love, a lot of blood", she said
You're not a bandage
but maybe you should be happy
to cauterize the wound so good
4d · 16
Love junkie
She's a love ******
She can't dissociate
She loves, or either she breaks

She got freed a darkened day
But she always gets carried away
with some thing that she shouldn't crave
She knows the truth, she knows it well
But others can't help but differ instead

She's a ******
for thrills and chills
She bleeds...
Can you get free little girl
You are on your way there
You have walls to break - but so do they
To know I know now
and I pushed you away back then!
Like a little girl with the new toy
between my legs

To see the truth clear
that I love you, I think
but I do not dare say
now I know it is real

To have your vision blurred
by a million mists
yet knowing you've witnessed
something at last but not least!

To yearn for you in a way I had never felt
it breaks my heart, but I can cope well
I won't die anymore, but I can tell
if we don't survive, it will be a bit of hell
In fact, somehow it is, and has been
Paradise and hell - so close in a way

I don't want the past back. At all. I don't.
I want to create something that blows our minds.
Do you love me? (Or have I killed that)
Do I love you back? No anxiety, no fear of abandonment
this time?
Be careful - but do not fear too much
Beware - of yourself, but do not fret
Do not stifle yourself!
Stay tuned to the possibility of mess - but please do not stress
5d · 21
Modern girl
I've got a ******* in my bed
I've got a therapist for my wretched head
I want to get away from my parents
but the money does not help
I give good head too, lovers say
(and I am always at the brink of telling it the way it is
or hiding to never be seen)
But I've got my heart broken instead

Polyamory crosses my brain sometimes
to rip out my guts and solve my own life
I am wild as ****: give me a hot kiss that will calm me down!
And I will become your housewife, and will I rot?

I was bullied at 13
and I wrote my heart out because of it
I like girls because I can't run away from
their beautiful **** and forms
but in the end
it's a man's weight I yearn

I am a modern girl, I guess.
I can't help being but myself
A daughter of my time
There are tears and there are pain
There is love and not much hate
Despite all I've seen and felt
There is a hole and a thirst in my veins
And calmness after the rain
always, always there

I am a modern girl
I walk along the city with my girls
and I spend way too much time in the internet
Life rolls like waves
And I have to ride all of them.
6d · 32
Love, love, love
Love killed us
Love fed us
Love won't take us
We'll have to hitch a ride

Love never hurt us
but the word stood in the way
I stood on my pain

But the fear is always there
more than pleasure, it's a safe space
Love killed me, it killed everything
that ******* word, obliterating realities
Obstructing the Sun!

Yet love is the only thing we know
all comes from that source
we forgot true love
we got caught up on regulations
on feminist analysis and stuff
on measures and canalizations
forgot the raw fountain of love
now he throws me a ball
to my own thoughts
I am killing myself
only now I am aware
Girls, girls, girls took me away
I took myself away.
I've been spinning in circles
And now I see truth somehow
I refuse the past, though
Yet I can see for miles now
The Magician has thrown me a ball

But this is no good
I've been going misunderstood
I yearned you...but I thought I could
do something apart from you

Anxiety everywhere
filling always the place
Addicted to drama and pain
kept going there for days

Oh! It was hell to be
trapped in between
always thinking of you, thinking of him
This place of despair I filled with chicks
Further falling in
the pit of me

This hole I try to fill
this hole that ***** my morals down
but no shiver comes

Why can't I stop seeing and thinking?
I forgot feeling
I should have known this
This is where dreams get cut at the root
but never die, the seed is alive
This is where it all began
But you can't grow up
You're just a Bonsai girl, stuck

This is where it all died
much before it could start
I can't recognize a single store
but I do remember the places where I broke

I remember the rhythm between life and death
That royal panic attack, me and that girl,
in the room, out of our breath.
Storms about to come, promises going on
I remember being sweet 16 so in love with him
Teachers hating me but wanting me to **** them
(I bet they did, I was the hottest,
and what to say about that cleavage I rocked
at the prom, yet so terrified of warmth)
I remember to kick the closet with a ****** Mary looking at us
Those years where it all shook up

These years where we watched MTV
And yearned to be slutty freedom drunk chicks.
These years of pink pills and being too thin.
These years where we were not free at all -
but we struggled ******* hard
Kissing dudes and breaking rules -
These years that I erased with all my strength
when I erased myself
Blue-eyed dream
tastes like candy, looks so sweet
but my teeth rot because
it's not him

Who invigorates you after the dark
who kisses you in forlorn alleys
who lights up your fire
who do you think of at night -

The dark waters I know
the sweet moments I hold
He's pure light, he's love
Yet something is off

And when the former He I kissed
I simply exploded, fire works in me
He's a dream, I can't even think
but he's a fantasy - it is not real

Who is real, though?
Which is the path I need to take
not to stay in this ache

Oh man you hurt me so much!
I love(d) you so ******* much
But you got stuck, you froze
I got anxious, heavy, lost
But I can't stop thinking about us
Are we called to our Judgement?
Are we the Sun again?
Are we becoming the World?

He's good, he sends some chills
But he is not you, not as quick
the hit!

Love - the word to ban
Love - the thing to work out
Love - the solution, the knot
Carry it in your pocket, run away from love!
I know I have some wrong ways
but so do you, babe

I am at the beach - you are the water
soaking my feet and my legs
and I love it, but ah what comes after
Change something, it can't work other manner
I can't get out from your spell - but your water
has a bitter aftertaste

And here I am, talking to your walls
What am I running after, or running from?
Your kiss, let it rule and ride along
Let it seize, take control
But I can't hide the depth of what you make me feel
I love the ******* as much as the caress

I haven't forgot you a single minute.
Did you, did you?
But I can't go on the way we did
it will surely **** me
And it will **** the ****** flower
we killed ourselves

So again? No, not again
Not ever back there
But your kiss is powerful
like a thunder in the silence
like a furious frenzied tune
in the amidst of noises
that clears up the doubts
that sows thrills and chills
a call from the Devil
or God - I think it's God's
Jul 6 · 48
What if I am an alien and this was merely an illusion?
What if I have been there the whole time
my skin still green and my feelings froze
no fireflies

What if I should stay in my room
and dream, dream of the world outside
because as an alien, I will never belong
Not my own

The wounds are all too deep
Being alive is too hurtful a thing

Yet there is a feeling of release
in being human for a while
there is something great
in being a part of this mess
There is beauty in being a part of this
I am all speechless

Poets - all of us aliens
Hands tied but eyes staring at the Sun
Jul 4 · 26
Evil patterns
I spot evil patterns, since we left
they give me info, an insight not to fail
but to know the pit, you have to fall into it

Evil patterns - how not to love
or how not to brand imitations with that word
I can see patterns that are nothing but blocks

Evil patterns grabbing me and I let them take over
I can't foresee them, they are well recorded
in my inner workings

Evil pattern the need, the obsession, the lack of flowing
the staying apart, not joining hands,
with life's drums
the bind, the breaking down
Evil pattern to confuse terms all the time, to lose that spark
******* them? They went away
I will learn their names
No love, no love, that sickening word
that sacred reality that becomes a *****
I'll let nature do the talk

Evil patterns stemming from internal evil shapes
Because it's known does not mean it's okay.
Jul 4 · 27
That girl
In memory of all those broken children. Don't let them win! Win back your soul! Stand up! Fight!
PS: All you ******* could not **** me.*

That girl in the corner of the world
Shoring up the waste and the beauty of her soul
She died, but oh her corpse
I carry it some of the time

That girl that can't believe her own worth
That she's not utter **** or something worse
That she's human, has got a heart
and a body, and it needs to be loved.
The girl bullied anytime she speaks,
anytime she dares to merely be. In her **** sweater and unsexy jeans,
tangled up hair, deadened stare,
her fear to breathe, for fear the air will choke her.
(It will)

She's dead. She had to die. Otherwise, I would have.
But that girl carries corpses and demons inside!
She smiles, so wide and bright
and gets high
on stupid compliments because she still thinks what she was told
or shown
or punched to accept!
The venom seeping deep in her veins
how to forget the dark in the middle of the day?
A goodbye when everybody has just arrived

She's dead. But I am not.
And now I flaunt my weirdness all along
and people love me
and most of all: I can love myself
and the pills they do help
but the path is carved by myself, I guess
This poem is about bullying, something I have suffered myself.
Jul 3 · 47
Oh, if you catch me
If you catch me...oh God if you do!
I can't assure I will resist you -
(I think of it quite often, I do)

We will walk calmly down the street
have a drink or two
but if the night approaches in a forlorn alley
and your hand reaches for my body
I can't assure I will turn you down - won't say no

You are the key, even if the lock is not yours
You are so hot - I can't resist

Is this true or is it just me
resisting change, resisting the end of this

If you catch me - I don't know what will be
But I can't stop thinking
about you whispering "I love you" in my ear
Even if it's not real.
Jul 2 · 24
Weather forecast
The weather forecasts
a summer of unbearable heat for us
Scorching feelings
and surprises all around

We won't perish this I know
we will surely have a ball
we will thrive in the chaos
we might die but we'll be reborn

A summer of the heat you bring to me
Of blue eyes and thrills
A summer that we can't foresee
"This is going to be different", we won't forget in years
The weather forecasts a wave that will stay here

Big waves! Change!
And the eternal always remains

Ice cream and friends
and the chaos of the present there
Seizing me close, losing my breath
Kisses that spring and the rabbit hole
Drowning my hands further on
Lick the world like it was yours

Love, love, love
that elusive charm
And the weather forecast
as an empty, filled with ever omen
We watched Ruby Sparks
My whole life flashing in front of my eyes
A quite unstable kind of day

Can you see me
no you can't do because you ain't him
or is it just I don't allow you to peek?

I am Calvin, I am toxic
I am Ruby, I am submissive
I am reduced to you if you don't stop me
I will feed my problems on your image
(Why am I even thinking of you right now
where does it lead?)

But back when we were one
it was the same old brick wall
I can be loved, but I never allow anyone too close
This tangle of thorns I never fully show
because they could get lost and so I would too

This is going to crash
This ****'s sure gonna crash
I don't see anything clear now
My head aches

And you might grow inside of me
even if now it seems the roses will never spring
You planted a seed
but he's a big old oak tree

I feed the monster every day
I have affection and lust for you
but can I stay?

And it's the mood of the day
Thinking of you all the time
Confused, torn between two men
Who'd have known at 13!
(The lonely, virginal girl
who sleeps with demons in her bed)
You're bitter, you're sweet
I certainly don't want you here
But oh, you creep...

You lingered today in my thoughts
Maybe I was broken, and that was all
But same old strong
same old love?

I hold on to you
wish I knew what for
(but there's a truth though)
Wish I understood and unfold
Wish I could do right
My dad's getting angry about some crap
I have a lot in my mind
Not sorry that I am
Jun 29 · 22
Funny, the jealousy
I have no reason to be mad
and I am not at all
Are you kissing
another girl?
We have no control over each other's
not so far

I have no reason to get suspicious
because you are not my man
But I can't help wondering
about what you do right now

Anyway, I won't ask you
I have no right to
But it's fun how we become
jealous right when things haven't even begun
It's just an afterthought I had, it's only fun
I have to walk along with this wound
turning to scar sometimes, at last
I didn't choose it, but it seems to be it
I am not my illness; but it walks along me

And I have to come to terms with it every morning
It sabotages me and makes me strong.
I can't kick it. It is like a smothering rope, around my chest.
I am not my illness; but we are united bitterly

Lover or nurse - don't make me choose!
My illness came to make the most of me
It was something I had to touch with my hand
She's a topic to explain,
She's something I can't explain quite well
Yet she is there
I am not my illness; I will get free
Drown my hands in this rabbit hole
till I reach MY SOUL
Jun 29 · 18
Little story
Such a heavy feel, such a heavy sensation
the first day I met you!

Then it got strange
the demons started howling around
The demons who never went away,

Ah, the days in the mall
Feeling you all
A smile in my lips
water flowing underneath

But I'm *******
Am I?
Jun 29 · 22
Perfect vision
I hope you never call back again, I hope you never do
But yet I want you in a muffled way, and I am nervous too
I went serious because it's too much lately
so much **** to write about but the heart is heavy

Perfect vision, hands tied
No way to help what's projected inside my eyes
I wish I could break away the unknown spell
And I think of him, every now and then
Do not repeat the same old evil patterns

Oh, you touch me and I come alive
but then again I'm a gutted girl
Who gutted me, then?
Was it me or was it him

I am like a programmed machine towards crashing
Who programmed me?
Which tracks I am trying to cover?
Who can help me now? Holy water?

It hurts it hurts it hurts
and I wish I could turn a blind eye
but I can't
What happened in my guts?
No more stars - but the ones of hurt

And you hold some keys
it might be the case
but I'm like a ******* maze
Jun 27 · 26
Where it goes
I have no idea where it goes
what I'm building or what I want
But I am going further on
I can't stop
And I want him, I think this is safe to say
is it a flower of one day?

I've got problems instead
the fireflies want to go astray
they linger in my *******
and if I call them they go away

I have no idea what I'm doing now
But I can't go back to your house
I was getting free, but
I always **** up in some way
Feels like this is a crashing delay

Let me open my wings
I will fly
give me time
I am so deeply afraid
of this bunch in my chest
this arousal leading nowhere
this obsession holding me down
I just want you
I do - pardon my knot
it hurts it hurts it hurts
Jun 26 · 29
Ophelia or Gertrude
You have to choose!
Ophelia or Queen Gertrude
draw blood in your arm
lose your mind for a man
dry your tears and be blamed
because you've done

Ophelia - broken girl
never a woman, always less
Ophelia are you my fate
I refuse to wear your name!

Queen Gertrude oprobium,
hate, and guilt upon you
Because you dared to be yourself
Give up the chains, simply reign
Rocked yourself to ***
You dance at life's pace.

But I feel Opheliac this morning
and I know it's not the deal
She died young and had no fun
She's no role model to me
I've already had my share of her ilk -
I've already lost my mind and gained it back

And I felt Gertrude yesterday
and I felt such shame
But to be on fire kills all blame

But ah, maybe real women are not
black and white schemes
we carry the rainbow inside
you can't put us into boxes and if you dare to do
I will indeed be Queen Gertrude,
because I am not going to die anymore
I am not taking blindly what comes,
I won't accept the idea of doom
I am not mourning for you, I know more now, I do
Jun 26 · 23
Pornographic hell
What drove me here?
It's pleasure with a knife
I was doing so well
Why did I have to **** up
Who to blame?
Is it the pornographic hell -

And you, you lie there
I want you bad
What is the secret to get out of the maze?
A pressure, a pressure on my chest
And *** is there, but it's not the ******* same

I was doing well,
what happened then?
Do I need a lover, or a nurse?

I seriously do not want to drown
But what is the answer then?
I am drowning maybe, anyway -
I was doing well.
But I won't let myself be ****** under

An ******, a God's kiss
is never a thing to miss
but it seems to have lost
the sparkle and the bliss
Jun 24 · 35
The tear
You were way too young and tender
for the devil to call you out
You could not make sense back then
So you simply started to drown

And afterwards, you shattered.
Slowly but incessantly.
You simply could not reach out
from the terrible visions you found

But they were just visions; a nightmare, perhaps.
Everything is a dream: no use in worrying about.
You slept for nearly 10 years, because you had simply broke down.
You were too confused but precious, with it all you could not put up.

Now you have to go back where it all began
Because the very corpse of death stares at you from all sides
Now you have to dig with your hands
deeper! deepest! You have to go that far

You tore; the wound becomes a scar
The future lays questions, answered with the past
but a fundamental new light
to read those lines
Jun 21 · 17
Funeral for a joke
Today I mourn our death
A devastating pang in the chest
Although what never was
Can never die, or survive
But my hopes my love my pain
they were real as ****.

You never ever bought
me apart from selfish ***
And what should I do next
My house crumbles, questions to make
If this is love, I'd stick to hate

In what point did we become this?
I gave my whole life to nothing
And you kept it for yourself
Selfishly, as you always were

But the ******* - they are mine
My thirst - I used you first!
We ****** each other to death
To unlock what I had between my legs

And you might be the sickest man
Proof starts to overflow my hands
So far from what I thought we had
A hell boiled inside of me
Burning deep but I could not see

You never were for me, my man
At least you could have behaved, right?
You never were so nice -
Skeletons in the closet - plain old crap

I am not going to your bed ever again!
I don't need you to be complete now
You force me to be brutal and strong
You force me to be what I don't want

But to learn is our goal
I will learn again to love
Just sever the right from wrong
And go girl, go along.

You or anyone will never stop me
Jun 21 · 17
Away from the ward!
I've been on the psych ward for years
Unaware of everything around me
Wasting my time on what was my ****
Away from the world, including my core
Now they allow me to go out
because I forced the doors
I simply had to allow myself to do so
I guess it was all according to a plan of God

Now I frantically try to live
Sometimes I just want to hide in me
I want a kiss but sometimes I want to disappear
All I can do is merely to be
I've got scars in my face but they are not me
And it's a big question everytime we meet
I am the mad girl, how do you feel?

Hell never fully went away
It just got hidden in the folds of my skin
I just don't want to move from here
it's all useless to me
Hell is the address where I live
It makes no sense at all I'm wasting my time
because I can't tell what I desire

I've got such a dark place in my head
***** all my glee and my progress?
Nothing seems to be really worth the pain
but what about the gain stemming there?
Time to move on, shed on the chains
If you need it, tell about your special ways
But you are really not all that much of an alien sight
You're just a hybrid form of life
Jun 19 · 21
Reality is problematic
Where does this trail of whatever lead
Am I veering towards the easy deadly?
Do I have to fight again
For my identity

Every night is a triumph and a struggle
I am going higher and going lower and lower
Where is the truth?
Somewhere I held it in my hand
without looking at it, no intention at all
but it flees from me
this is what made me truly lose it

All the guessing and the imagining
the plotting, the theorizing
to explain what really makes us crazy
Reality is problematic
Jun 18 · 24
Queen Gertrude
I have become Gertrude - that old widow
I keep men close, you're still a fresh corpse.
You might be mourning me but maybe you won't.
I don't do it out of desperation, or love gone wrong
I do it because I gotta move on

And I've got a hole yearning to be filled
And I discovered, there was no hole in reality
It hurts, sometimes it really does
It's your judgement chastising my existential lust
You try to punish me because I am alive
Was Gertrude such a *****? Or did she already cry enough?
Is Gertrude in her room with her hand below
I am the *****, the unsensitive one - for once
You hurt me much! I had to get my life back!
You died, it's true - you killed it with your hand
Jun 18 · 34
The needle
I don't want you now - that chapter is done and closed
Again I could put up with it much more
With all the **** you made me take
The shapeless unraveled we became
The painful, the hopeless, the fear everyday

You worded it first: you touched my soul
The needle was stuck on our hearts
The drug directly pumped to our cores
And the abstinence now it shows
Even if at uneven times and hours
The precious waste of our broken love
But I can take withdrawals pretty well
Do you, dear? Are you already ******* some girl?
And you appear, yes,
and I see your faults, but I watch your love
Such a dissonant meaningful song
Jun 17 · 22
Oh, man
Oh man, I pictured you in my bed
But we are turning sour or at least I do myself.
I rotted away, but it wasn't you
I die for your kiss: but can I go further than that
(I want it bad, I want you bad)?

I know the answers I just can't read now
I have to listen to my heart - and my *******

How quick! Is this the comeback I expected?
All my energies again all distorted!
I was doing so well - now uphill
counterflowing again

To fight for what you want: you mustn't
To give in to this rhythm: you musn't
How to find the way
in this very knotted thread!

What do I do everynight
What do I do everyday.
Chasing men and chasing a dream tinsel made.
How do I put my pieces back together?
With this schizophrenic puzzle I create

Throwing myself towards the barbed wire of ***
Such a curse and so blessed
I want it so bad, yet I can't get
Timing of the universe, be good to me this time!
Universe, please hold my hand! Please do not let it die!
Jun 17 · 13
Lost in the airport
I did not come but I saw the world
Gotta know so called love won't get you far
But maybe it's the only way out
of this hell where I am now
Lost in the airport, waiting to arrive home

How to push my head out of this smothering hole
or is it a womb?
Oh God carry me to my destination.
I am tired of being here lost in the airport.
Lost in my thoughts.

I did not come but I saw the world
and I saw my sad attempts, my getting lost

Can't wait to kiss you
Can't wait to get over this

The fear that ****** me down
I can see the puzzle falling into place
all of my dysfunction, all the maze

How to run away from the smothering embrace
of all those things that want to take LOVE'S place
hiding themselves, in fancy clothes and paillettes

So much **** to work on
I don't even want to look at
But running away forwards, backwards
never helped anyone
Jun 17 · 14
Getting off
What does this mean?
Coming from the guts of my soul
But my soul is hostage now, I fear

I've been here
weird 14 year old
and I say
no more, no more
It's not so distorted - my core
Loose ends, unfitting scenes
Unclosed, missing links

And I love you, but what does this say?
Think with your heart and you'll know.
The answer lies somewhere you're satisfied
The answer is away but close
at the same time
Is it a wish I must rehearse?
Am I going too low?

I know this is a point of connection to the world
a peculiar hotspot -no pun-
I know this is the key to finally walk
It's self exploration warning without
Could love **** love?
How many feelings, how few words

I yearn your embrace, your hands all over me
But this everynight gift makes me feel weird.
Everything so weird.
Jun 16 · 26
No easy answer
You were the answer - for some years
Now the tunnel opens up - trembling fear

And I think of going back to us
like a bandage
or some days, a message even from above.
like God and his army playing drums
And I know you are the core,
and I believe in love...

But no way to go back to such time.
Because you did me wrong.
Girls in your phone.
Not caring about this anymore.

But...your eyes lost in mine.
the rush everytime you come to mind
The peace you gave - so shaky in the very last times

No easy answers now - there never were!
You, simply, were not the answer
that I deserve
I will fight till I break - this is it right now
And you can't run away
Gotta take the road - far from the house we called home
Only God knows -
What if, what if
What about, what about
Words seeping out of my mouth
The fear is so big
But there are big enough to fear

What if I have been bound all the time
which are the ropes and how do they tie
around my arms
Have I been bound forever
am I bound back?

I want you so much
I want it so bad
The more I push
the more it gets far

This is not love
and it won't get you anywhere

A fly interposes in my view
Promises to clear up but all she does is to blur
Self discipline in the face of this rigid chaos
Which is not love!

I gotta keep an eye on myself
Not to **** up again
The pile of failure is so thick
sky length

Chase the Sun - does it work?
Tao in my way - but is it my own?
My terrible tendences
I never fully catch them
What is the secret to this ******* mess?
Can't let them catch me again
Jun 11 · 59
Vicious Matrioshka
Been thinking about it all
what does it mean and how it fits
in my map
maybe too much

I am like a matrioshka
a box
you gotta reach my core
I gotta do it too

Sometimes ***** others rotten away
With no kind of sense
(That's my aim!)
Because in the end it all fits

Why do I give myself away
to no one in the end? Dying so unaware
Lose my golden thread
that leads me to such a good place?

I think I liked him, like I could like anyone else!
And in the everyday charm, I fell for
And I lose my vital spark, for living life
what a paradox! what a strife!
I slipped once, not twice

So unsure! I drive to my destination
So lost, I find my direction
Why do I cling to men, instead of clinging
to myself
so I can really then turn to them

where is the lever I pulled wrong
where are my notes, where is the antidote?
No time for panicking anymore -

The wounds and the disease didn't leave
It will chase me till I face the demon clear
Maybe all I need is time - to heal
Maybe there is something wrong I need to steer
The answer won't be spoken or said, but found
Where am I now?
Jun 10 · 19
Mad girl
Mad loving girl, can you take?
Am I made to stay here - till the end
I wanna be picked up some day
But my metal legs - they pull people away

I came out of the ward yesterday
I want to drown in your eyes - all the time
I want to see the bright city lights
which were nothing but fireflies

And I am already obsessed
and I'm already such a mess
I will always be myself
this is my curse, but I'm also blessed
Haven't I learnt?

Because I met you in the twilight
and the twilight became my life
Now the Sun does not illuminate anymore
Now something gone wrong

Just take tiny steps
learn to control your inner stress
Jun 9 · 34
Aphasic driver
I told myself to chase poetry - my life's purpose
But something is dragging me - making me low
Handicaps and tests all along the road
things just froze

I am confused, utterly disturbed
The meaning of the lights and the signs
no longer I can describe

Only when I'm immerse in the pain
I can see where I must stray
only when I'm head deep in ****
I can speak, but I'm bound
It's painful to be caught
in this aphasia of thought
of the heart

This is life through a window pain
this is make believe living for amputated girls
never never succumb to its spell
you've already had this - you were living dead
remember those days?
So many words to say, which will indeed find their way
but maybe not today.

Can I run away from the ruin of us!
No, I cannot. I am hurt like a hunt deer
and we are dead so I live through this
I breathe through this. But I do not live.
But you haven't broken me - it was me

So here I am, an aphasic driver
trying to get to my destination
trying to understand
trying to roam again
so ******* misled
right is wrong and right is left
trying to steer the wheel
like I always did
Jun 8 · 25
What is God's plan now -
how are things going to turn out
Some cleansing, after all

Psychosis is the cleanser of the soul
But I don't feel I've been unclean
I am in fate's hands, I've always been
Go deeper, till I find me
Sweat this fever, if such thing
(Take it easy, never entangle this)
Jun 8 · 25
The compass
I've lost my internal compass
did you take away, have you seen it 'round?
I want to talk, but I just blurt
I want to sing, but I just squawk
I feel unwell, too much **** to (un)say
The rabbit hole! Show me all!
My metal legs - they will stay
Why do I need to calm myself?
I get lost - a meta knot of thought
A jungle, made of concrete
A place, with no dreams.
A swinging smothering tide
A feeling you will lose this time.
Jun 8 · 31
Oh dear I got tired
but I don't know why
Do I?

Was it my pain in the chest
every Saturday night
was it paranoia
or was it God shedding some light

Was it my insecurity
playing tricks on me
or were you tricking me
with these chicks
I don't know - all of this
A part of me feels
like it has been heard so it doesn't scream

And I am not sure - but it's not us
I just feel overwhelmed, don't want to
be unright
We are coming to our end, and there are no tears in sight
I cried much before this came.

I can feel it in my bones - a new era comes
and it's up to me to learn from the rabbit hole
get bigger, never small
But the words freeze when they come to my mouth
I want to sing but I just blurt
Words get
I get lost, I get lost
Everything so critical, everything so strange
Everything so distant, everything on the edge
I just want to lick the blade...its taste
Don't let me die here, in a world so contained.
I don't want to cry, I just need my inner life.
Jun 6 · 30
Now (Hope)
Now I roam till I get lost
Now I flirt with men I don't really want
Yet I can't stop

Now I am confused – a girl of my zeitgeist
Now I come – but always a question afterwards
Where did I go?

Should I go back to your arms
that place I trashed so much now
the high comes every night yet I can't make it right

Now I live with hope
but the devil knocks my door!
The ghosts call out
even if they sing
Death is kicking hard
Life – just hold on tight
Am I missing it this time?
Jun 6 · 31
The generating point
You visit me like an omen from the past
If you knew me now, maybe it could last
I can feel my body tense and tight
like that old night, like that old good night

How you broke my heart - you are the point
where it all starts
Now that I am slave to a fickle rhythm
Thomas, if I catch you now, ai se eu te pego, man
Let me show you what I learnt so far!

I am not the same girl - scared and so in love
Now I am free and I roam till I get lost
I felt the force, this time it could work
I felt my breath as shook as it was back then.
If I could step in time and catch back my strength!
A dream to keep breathing, a dream to go on.
Jun 6 · 16
Partners in crime
I killed you, it's okay I did
I killed you because I needed to breathe
But we killed this together - partners in crime
And your ghost lingers around
Jun 6 · 74
What is it about men?
What is it about men
what's wrong with them?
Why do we rotate around - if they never respond?
We love too much, never get back
We gave it all, you never grew up

Is it the zeitgeist, the sign of times
or what is it like?
why all of you look so fine
but break hearts despite
and you stay all perfect in one piece
because you never dared to bleed
Is it Tinder? Is it capitalism?
Is it Catholicism? Is it egoism?
It is despair? Is it the true nature of ***?
Is it the loss of family values, is it ****?
Tell me, then!

Why do we fall hopelessly
it's not commitment it's not a ringwish
Affection and closeness - all I need

Girl get free!
don't fall prey for his tricks
do not ever sink
under the spell of
unknowing the true nature of love
Which I can't express, but I can know

I touched sky, with your hand
But you never dared to fly, stayed in the ground
We could have been bigger than the world
But you didn't want

Girls let's get free and get away
we don't need them to feel great
Keep your fears on check
Never run away
Don't let yourself be played

What about girls and men
in the XXI century?
How to make sense of this topsy-turvy?
Jun 5 · 53
God's frenzy
Teenage lesbian - I thought I was in my bitter hour
I come every night and every night I wonder
about why I lie in such a crossroad of pleasure

Men, what do I want from them?
Girls, what is this crap, does it make sense?
I am trapped in such a devilish web
But I don't mind if I go to hell...

I don't understand where it all came from
But **** it did, and it didn't feel wrong

Every day I fall further and further
And away and away from myself.
And closer and closer
this is the paradox!

After this the whole world glows intensely
With all its pain and its glory and its meaning.
I don't want to get off the carriage
Let me hop on and off
So I can make sense of my own heart
Jun 5 · 36
Little lost cheater
Shuffling men like one shuffles fate
Really has no type of sense
but a lot of meaning there

She's just a little lost cheater
She gets high on the thrill of the hunt
She's clueless but she conceals it good
as well as she can do

This is an **** move
This is something not cool
This red thread around my neck
Giving me hope and anxiety and chills
Strangling me with a kiss

I am cheating on you.
Can you say you haven't been there too?
Our million emotional affairs
That dragged down what we felt
This pain...this love so close to death

Truth shines but truth is schizophrenic and elusive like me
I just see omens coming clean, my helplessness cleaning up the mess

And I want none of them.
I could love them - I could learn
But I'd be still who I am
I'd still be myself
With all my stars and all of my hell.
So I would rather learn
the routes of my maps and pathways
Jun 5 · 19
The Process
I was a inert, idle doll
Head full of dust
Made of cement
and sparkle and unrequited love

Someone came and kissed my pain
kissed all of my cold away
The forces of nature met on my chest
setting fire to the old state
God is watching from afar

I love to burn every night and day
I am not dead, I will live to death
The fire got ignited
must mean something else!

And the pain and the desire
meet at your place
My heart got entranced on the things you gave
But they were not yours
They were mine all the time
I just have to recollect the harvest and
claim it mine

Am I ready for this next step?
The more I run I feel more scared
Can I make it? Are my metal legs squeaking again?
When is one ever ready for the big stuff
to leave the comfort of the room
to fight demons that keep you down
to claim your portion of the world!

It doesn't work that way.
World claims itself. All it takes
is a night staring at the sky
with eyes open wide
and you will be able to feel
the rhythm, the melody inside
Jun 5 · 26
Glorious days in the Sun!
They are gone, they are gone
But not a single tear I've shed for us
I cried much time before

Glory days - when we met
a state of mind that's gone astray

The devil (or is it God?) weaves our lives
we thought we could cheat on his plan
But this is something you can't run from

I know you loved me - I know you did
I know I could fulfill you - but in some point I ceased to be

Your hands all over my body. My hands all over yours.
Our love, our love, made of soil and Sun.
Which turned to dust - the Sun burnt my palms
Pleasure and pain became one.

You were my everything and I was your something
all my good and my wrong
you became it all
now it's time to go back home
rearrange it all but let's keep
the piece of my heart you gave to me
Jun 5 · 20
Time travel
There is a stone in my heart
There is a blockage saving face
It's draining me, leaving me dry
Everything - twirling, spinning inside
Every day, a thread of mistakes.

There is something I process but don't grasp
I've been here before - somehow
I've seen the green plastic grass
I've seen the cloudless and threatening sky

I've been through a lot, so I want to become
the girl of my dreams, dreams pushed by the world
Get a younger lover, get along better with my parents.
I can't carry on with my own mind. My own desires.
I got too heavy for my own life.

I guess I can get off the train, step back again.
It takes discipline - how to tame feelings?
Today another messy knot in my head.
Today all the hell appears back again
but I can handle, not the same girl
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