i feel a certain certainty
that i am going to burn myself
in the warmth of your fire.

i used to be so afraid of getting burned.
but the longer i'm in this fever dream,
the less i seem to care.

if i must be icarus
unable to resist reaching for the sun,
then so be it.
if i must be icarus
flying headfirst and blind,
trying to find your heart of hearts,
then so be it.

yes, he burned
and he fell.
but has anyone
ever known the sun
as only icarus did?

so let me burn
and let me fall,
fall hard into the cruel blue ocean waves.

let me know what your sunlight is like at point-blank range.

i wish we could drive away, get out of this town. i wish we could pack our things and let go.

we’ll listen to music we like on the drive and drink ****** fast food coffee.

when we get where we’re going, i’ll give you a smile.

we’ll go to museums and look at art, hoping it’ll give our lives structure.

we’ll wish that we never have to leave.

it’ll hurt to leave;
we’ll bear it together.

i wish i could go
to the place where the sun shines
where i could smile &
all the cracks in my heart could merge

i wish i could go
to the place where flowers bloom
where i could laugh &
the weight i put on your shoulders is carried far away

i wish i could go
to the place where the sky is blue
where i could close my eyes &
you apologize for barbed words stuck in my throat like thorns

i wish i could go
to the place where it never rains
where i could wake up &
my dreams are true

you are the night's first sip of whiskey
hot as it burns down my throat,
but i take another swig.

you are the cigarette i’ve got between my lips
cool and calm even as it slowly kills me,
but i take one more drag.

you are the smoke i puff into my lungs
clouding my mind,
but i breathe in deep.

i whisper in your ear,
'you're not good for me'
i feel you smile against my neck,
'princess, when has that ever stopped you?'

with you
i learned change is quiet
even when you were screaming clawing begging for more
it was too soft to notice

you are the missing limb i feel
twitch, twitch, twitch,
by the time i look--nothing.
you were always too much of a phantom.