mask

i’m behind a
mask

but it’s no ordinary
mask
it’s hiding my emotions
shielding others from my
depression

my mask
hiding my true self
displaying happiness
but a mask will never be the truth
a mask will always be
a hiding place
some wear for fun
some wear for theater
some wear to be funny

but i wear my mask
because i’m not
happy

happy

what a simple word
however a chain

i pull this chain
behind me
my mask held up
by my scarred wrist

happy

Five letters
but five tons of weight
will i ever be happy?

this mask
may hide my feelings
from others
but it will never
hide them from me

mask

i’m behind a
mask

something
i wish for
is for
someone to love
me

people joke
but there's a twist
they joke about terrible
things

they joke about
suicide and
mental states
why do they do that?

something i want
is for something to just
go my way for
once

i want
for someone to be
kind and
acknowledge me

rain falling outside my window
represents all of
the tears of the world

dripping
and the droplets
of the sky
cling on to trees

like i cling on to hope

suicidal thoughts cloud
my head every day
i always
push
them away

falling into depression
both the suffering
cell-mate and
the cruel jailer

i want the door to swing open
and to be free

but with bad things
repeatedly happening
i don't think it'll open

no friends
school is hell
my sister hates me
my dog doesn't even love me

get out of this hell
maybe live in another world
being a fangirl
that would truly make me happy

because is there anything in this world
that wants me?

click clack click

keys are pressed
and the girl
who is pressing
them types away

assignments
are flooding her brain
sigh
can i do anymore?

papers litter
the desk
blue light flooding
the girl's face
one thing's for sure
she won't be able to sleep tonight

typing on her laptop computer
hair up
dark room
only light is coming from the computer

and she hates it

the clock reads
10:48
red led lighting up a small part of the room
hardly bright enough to read

click clack click

squinting her eyes
she leans forward
there's not much more she can do
a yawn escapes
her mouth but she keeps
working

because she knows that she has to finish
this tonight or wrath
will be unleashed on her
so she works
and works

stress on her mind
papers full of unfinished work
she knows she'll never finish it all
but she could at least try

another yawn escapes
and she scolds herself for feeling tired
but it isn't her fault
as her eyes grow heavy
and she falls asleep

dreaming of unfinished papers

the night is full
of stars

freckled
with millions of stars

i know that
it's my ancestor's fault
that our sky is
hiding the stars
from us

their irresponsibility leading
to the heavy pollution

hiding the stars from us

and yet they are angry at us

you're the one
who's at fault

i want to look at the stars

it would help me
comfort myself

i've only seen pictures

i just want to see a sky full of stars
the indigo void
freckled with the infinite stars that exist

they say
"I believe what I see"
does that mean that i shouldn't
believe in stars?

thank you
for polluting our world
and blaming us

it's you at fault

the blinding light
of the sun setting
two people
insignificant
compared to the near twilight sky

a comet
falls through the
sky
and the sky lit from the beautiful

two people run
around a large crater
and as they pass each
other, three years apart
they stop

the sun sinks out of sight
and shifts to twilight
the bright light
lessens to show
the two standing
together

"kataware-doki"

the girl cries in happiness
while the other smiles
they hug
And the girl questions
"When will I see you again"

the boy suggests
"let’s write our names on each
other, so we don't forget"
he pulls a pen out of his pocket

she agrees, and the boy
writes on the palm of
The girl he has known
for a short while, but
feels like he's known for years

They exchange the pen, and
The girl writes the one line-

and the pen falls

the beautiful can become the terrifying
the comet nears the small town
the crater overlooks
splits
and falls

i am
a girl
but some people
might see me
differently

because i don't look like
the average girl
i can be called a
boy
just because of my short hair

i don't like
frilly or lacy
clothes
i prefer casual plain
shirts
plain dresses
and does that mean i'm not a girl?

no, it doesn't

it means i don't fit the
social norms and
stereotypes don't fit me
the only stereotype that might
work for me
is that smart people
wear glasses

but then
people will still judge
me
people will still
hate me and
people will still
misunderstand me

but the most important thing
is for me to try
then maybe i'll have a
real friend

before you decide
i am your friend
here's something you should know
about me

i am
insecure
depressed

i may look happy
but that's not
the truth

i don't
belong

someone has always
found a way
to remind me that
life is hell
and can i trust
you?

all of my friends
that were real have
left me
and if they
weren't real
well
you know the rest
how that plays out

if you want to be
my friend
listen up

my friends
don't lie to me
friends don't keep a simple
secret bottled up
friends
don't leave you in the
dust
leaving you waiting

friends are honest
kind
tell me if they change their mind
and are patient

but those friends have
already left my side

so tell me
can you live up to this?

can you be my friend?

no
you don't want to be my friend
you're just another one of the fakes
and if you truly
want to help me

i am begging you
stay by my side a little
longer

longer
longer
be a friend that tells me
if you're leaving
so that i can at least
get to see you in person again
before you move
across the country

and i'm left holding my hand
out
to a ghost of a friendship
that was once real
but now nonexistent

if you want to know me
stay by my side
and don't leave me
like all of my friends
before

drip
drip
drip

the rain
falls
streaming into the
gutters that led below

falls
running down the rivets of
dancing umbrellas like
sprinters in a
race, each drop competing to be
the first to hit the ground

droplets fall and
hang
from leaves and
fall
onto the wet earth
slowly the
next drop falls and the
next

small creatures hide in
their cozy hollows of
trees they call
home
watching the tears of the sky
fall

umbrellas that were just
weaving through crowds of
others just
moments ago
are set to dry on porches
and the umbrellas are
soaked
and their tears start to
hit
the
ground

drip
drip
drip

why
do i
have to go to
school

suffering
my teachers
get paid

but no one else does
we must
work
and work
and work

until we are
"smarter"

oppressed to be
"creative"
but they don't want us to be
creative
do they

the smart
know
that we are being worked

so that we can get a
job

but we are already working a
job

and we're not being paid

work
work
and work some
more

all-nighters just
to survive the
drowning
of homework

i want to escape
from this
hell
they call
"learning"

in this large world
from the beginning of humans
there have been two types
male and
female

as time goes on
more genders are sprinkled
into the mix
what you're born with is
no longer your identity

let's forget that for a second

even since there were only
two
males have always been
"better"

**** that

we
women
are just as capable

we can swear
we can fight
we can act
we can write
we can lead

we can
we can
we can

so shut up with that *******
"because we're men
we get to do what you can't"

imagine
living in fear
of the person who forces you to love them

imagine
nobody acknowledging
believing
you when you say something
because of what's between your legs

imagine
you being ***** and the person responsible saying
"it's their fault for looking pretty"

we need to stop this now

i'm in bed
but i'm falling

which is it?

both realities
feel very real and
what could it possibly be

cuddled up in bed
very safe
or falling into an open abyss
falling
falling
falling

a stray light
splayed across oak hardwood floor
a girl
wonders
who they are

a girl with a
unique identity
they struggle over finding
out who they are

while they are
accepted for
who they are
they are forgotten

their preferences thrown
out the window in
favor of sticking to
the status quo

what is fear?

there can be many definitions

a hard word to define

fear is
falling into the abyss
falling into depression
worrying that you'll never fly back up to
the clouds labeled
"happiness"

fear is
rain
sprinkling off
a car
as the lights
reflect off a
young girl
lying in the
road

fear is
not knowing what lies
in the shadows
as your flashlight
only spreads
out a small part
of the land
and a shriek
fills the air

fear is
many things

not a singular item

but a million miniscule thoughts
and people
not just people but
everyone feels
fear

one thing they
wonder
is if
they will ever feel
relief
or never feel again

music
this is my lifeline
50 songs just waiting
to be played
3 hours of bliss

escaping from the
world
and delving deep into my own
created world

i
am
nothing

criticism
is a compliment
white is black
light is dark
and i seem
happy on the outside

but
even though
there are some things
to my life that are
okay

why
must
It
be
this
way

i
am
nothing

to have a true friend
who would stay with me
would be a heaven

but nothing stays forever

even though
i wish i felt differently
about this cruel world

to fly would
be like floating
the opposite
of my life right now
because
the truth is

i’m falling

falling
into
the open abyss
below
falling
into
the black hole of depression

is my dog even a dog?
because she doesn’t seem to care
about how I feel
she only wants food and love
she doesn’t know
that this little girl just wants some love too

why
must
it
be
this
way

in my world of red
everyone has a thread tied
to their pinky finger

sometimes it is a couple
that is connected, the small string
in between not
the only connection

sometimes
and this is most of the time
the string leads elsewhere

in my world of red, i am the
only one without
a thread of fate
tying my destined partner and i
together

except
until i met that certain
green-haired boy

i gently tell him my
greatest secret
surprisingly
he believes me and
goes on with his
life

he asks me about the
threads in my vision
and i try to answer

but one question

i cannot answer