If I had died..
you would have to live with the guilt
the guilt of knowing
you killed me.
maybe you’d eventually
forget me
replace me
let go of that guilt.
but maybe,
when you look at her
in just the right lighting
you see my face
instead of hers
or you look at your daughter
and remember that you helped me pick
what ours would have been named
or maybe when you see roses or the moon
you’ll remember my tattoos and how badly I wanted them and how I always wanted more of them
and maybe you’d feel guilty again.

what we had was not love
what we had was insanity
it was rough kisses
hair pulling
pushing and pulling
taking what you wanted
and giving what I needed
it was obsession
calling and texting
checking in
finding me when I wasn’t lost
making sure I wasn’t getting over you
it was heartbreak
you leaving in the hardest time of my life
leaving me alone to mourn the loss of two people

This anger slithers up to me
From across the room
I am helpless as it sinks it’s fangs
Right into my heart.
This is the violent anger.
The anger that boils my blood,
The anger that makes me want to tear my own skin off,
The anger that makes me want to break all the mirrors in my room and play in the glass.
This is also the anger that makes me want to punch you in the chest, so you can feel that pain just like I did,
This is the anger that makes me want to hit you in the stomach so you throw up, just like I did at 3 am, and 6 am, and again and again even though there was nothing there to begin with.
This anger leaves me clawing at my own skin
Chewing my lips until they bleed
Biting my fingernails until there is nothing but blood in my mouth.
But as this anger dissipates,
I remember why I could never hurt you
And I remember that hurting me is hurting you too
I don’t want to hurt you

let me explore
let my fingers find
your scars,
your beautiful imperfections.
let them leave goosebumps behind.
let my cold feet find yours,
under blankets, but still shivering.
let my lips find
your soft lips,
your ears
and your neck,
to gently kiss you
again and again.
let my hands
run through your hair
and steal your hat,
claiming it as mine for awhile.
let my legs
wrap around you
and be prepared for
surprise attacks for piggy back rides.
let my mind
understand yours
and know how you feel
just by one look.
let my eyes
see all of you
and know that it is mine.

i have finally realized
why
why i stayed
and told you i loved you
again and again
after you ****** me over
again and again
its simply because
when i felt like
i was 25,
you brought me back
down to being 16
when you partied
i stayed home
with a baby
and you were my party
you made me drunk
even if i was drunk on jealousy
it didn't matter
because
i was your princess
i was your munchkin
i was your only one
until i wasn't

i find myself curious about a boy
that stares at me as if he knows
i don't know what he knows
but he knows something
i think its about me
but he stares
and be blushes when i catch him
which is quite often
he has big sad puppydog eyes
and honestly
i would like to see happiness in them
i want to see a smile on his lips
that would match his eyes
he looks at me
behind square glasses
and white earbuds
shoved into his ears
playing loud music
and i am curious about him.

are you ******* kidding me
if i could i'd slap you
across the face
and my handprint would be there for a long time.
i can't ******* stand you anymore
what the hell did i do to deserve this
what the hell did i do to be lied about
what the hell did i do to be called names
what the hell did i do to you
you know what i did?
i ******* loved you
that's what i ******* did to you.

say you love me.
say it like you mean it.
tell me you hate me.
I know you mean it.
say you can't take me.
I know you don't.
tell me I'm too much.
I know I am.

you will never care
the way I do
you can leave me
when i'm killing myself
from the inside out
when I stay and tell you
every **** time
you made me smile
or my eyes bright
just the way you like them
you leave when I cannot
concentrate on you
when i'm all over the place
but I stay when you're
drunk and high
even though I hate
how you talk and laugh
at things that hurt me
like they're a joke.
long story short,
*you hurt me every **** day

i seem to always
get the worst when
Christmas is right around
the corner
who knows why
but something about this time of year,
makes me so upset
so angry
so out of control
that i don't know what to do
i can get all the help in the world but
nothing helps
the way i need it to.

that's what you have called me
since you were about
one and a half.
who knows where it came from,
I certainly don't.
unless you were telling me
that I had a pizza face.
and maybe I did.
I was only 13
maybe 14.
you were the cutest
little girl I had ever met,
of course.
you still are.
a bit of an *******.
just like your mom.
just like your aunty pizza.
but cute,
loveable,
and certainly
wonderful.
you are hilarious without knowing it
laughing along because
we were.
you are going to grow into
a fabulous woman.
I know it.
and I know i'll watch it.
I know i'll help you
grow up, make mistakes, fix mistakes.
and Lacey,
Aunty Pizza
will always be here.
even if that's not what you call me,
that's who I am.

"you okay?"
"no, i'm close to tears,
i'm close to a breakdown,
an anxiety attack.
i'm exhausted.
i'm falling apart
so ******* quietly
that you can't hear.
I want to scream,
god, I just want you to know.
I just can't tell you."
"i'm kinda tired, that's all"

LET ME DROWN IN
MY OWN SORROW
YOU DO NOT LOVE ME
THE WAY I LOVE YOU
AND IT KILLS ME
AND I'D RATHER
DROWN
IN MY SORROW
THEN BE KILLED
BY THE ONE
I LOVE SO VERY MUCH

i am walking across thin ice
waiting to hear that final
crack
that lets me know
i am about to plunge
deep
into the fridgid water
and i know i wouldn't even fight
to come back up
because once i go down
i cant come back up.

"stop"
"no you *****"
"i said stop! get off!"
"you deserve this"
"get off of me!"
"you're a tease"
"you said you loved me"
"i do love you"
'then get off of me!"
"no this is what you wanted"
"no it isn't this isn't what i wanted get off of me!"

i am going to scream
i am going to scream
so  ******* loud
i am going to scream
so   ******* long
i am losing my voice
i am losing my strength
i am losing my *******  *mind

almost two years,
oh god, two whole years
and you still *******
haunt my mind.
still wake me up at night
breathing heavily,
bathed in sweat,
crying harder than i think is possible,
screaming for you to stop,
hands off,
not yours.
i haven't been
"yours"
for almost two years
and you still
hold a knife
in my chest.

the nights
i go so low
i forget who
i really am
and just want
to be torn down
those nights i need
you the most
but you are so
far gone,
out of reach,
vanished.

i'm broken down
on the side of the road
and when people pass
they just drive faster
so they can pretend
not to see
so they cannot feel guilty
about passing someone
who desperately needs help
and i wonder why
they can get behind the wheel
when i can barely stand up.

i wish the memory
of you would go.
you need to leave my head.
there are no vacancies here.
did you hear me?
we're full.
get out of
my head.
nobody asked
you to be here.

here i am
bleeding ink onto
a clean page
when i should
be safe and sound
with the dreams
that include you
and slowly become
my nightmares.

i just want to go back
back to the day
where you kissed me
you and i
on that roof
the memory
will not fade away
and suddenly
all over again
i feel the pain
in my chest
stomach, back
and my throat closing
as i hear those
two words
that you yelled over the phone
"i'm done"

you tell me you are falling
falling for my eyes
falling for my smile
falling for my sweetness
falling for my craziness
and my dorky side
and you like to tell me
that i'm perfect
even when
my eyes don't shine
my smile isn't real
and i'm not so sweet
and my crazy likes to get the
better of me
and you especially like telling me
when i'm rambling
and talking myself in circles
much like i am now.
i wonder what you'd think of this poem.

lost in a sea of red
i just want to stop the noise in my head
please, just leave me alone.
can't you see?
you can no longer help me
out of this ocean
because i am stuck in its motion.

don't do this
don't
don't raise your hand up
not again
you're scaring me
look
now i'm crying
why do you do this
how can you do this
now i'll wake up with another bruise
but i know you don't care
how you leave me
you just care that i hurt.

you will never take me
not alive nor dead
i am not yours.

i've had a share of
new england boys,
tall,
with long legs
that tangled with mine,
long hair
that loved to be played with,
lips that smiled
and kissed me a hundred times
after smoking a joint,
arms
that never held tightly enough,
and words,
oh their words,
were oh so sweet,
but oh, so unreal.
a promise of happy endings
that never came true.
so i find myself
running away from these
new england boys.

i've lost control
thrown into the backseat
of my hearts desires
all my defenses lowered
my reasoning pushed aside
my begging ignored
my sleep deprived mind is giving up
whispering a faint "yes"
when i know i should be shouting "no"

i am not good at writing
love poems
unless the love
is hurting me
i used to wonder why this was
but i have realized that
when i cannot cause myself pain,
i like others to do it for me.

At night, when I close my eyes I see my demons.
      One looks just like you, daddy.
      As a little girl, I run towards you.
      You grab my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
      But, mommy yells and you hit me.
     Daddy, why? I want to scream. But you no longer listen.
    A little older, I walk down the hall.
      I see my grandmother. She looks nice.
    But when I sit by her feet her true form shows.
She kicks and screams hurtful words.
I’m once again a little older as I stand up.
I get up again and I see his face in front of mine.
He opens his arms.
I think he looks innocent enough.
I think he won’t hurt me.
But, I’m wrong. He hugs me, and then pushes me down.
Down into a deep dark tunnel that I won’t come out of.
And that’s why I’m afraid to close my eyes at night.

I am the bad                                                                           you are the good
the sad                                                                                                 the happy
the angry                                                                                            the mellow
I see half-empty                                                                        you see half-full
                                      but we get along because
I have a piece of good                                                   you have a piece of bad
a piece of happy                                                                              a piece of sad
a piece of mellow                                                                        a piece of angry
a sight of half-full                                                               a sight of half-empty
a little of you                                                                                      a little of me

me                                                                                                                    you
I trust too easily                                                           you trust slowly, deeply
I am broken                                                       you have not yet been touched
I throw myself into "love"                 you throw yourself into what you love
I believe what people say to me      you take everything with a grain of salt

my smile is a lie                                                                           you laugh truly
      but I love you                                                         and I hope you love me
                                         because i'd do anything you ask
                                         because you are more than a friend
                                             you are my sister
                                         and sisters stay.

february 14th,
you came into school late
carrying a dozen real, red roses
and one fake, feather rose
held them behind your back as you hugged me,
told me you loved me
And handed me the roses,
saying,
"I'll love you till the last one dies, baby girl."
and i smiled at you
and held your hand
letting myself believe you.
But, as usual,
roses withered away
and that last,
unlucky 13,
went up in flames
with us.

The day
i saw you with her,
Holding her hand
and talking excitedly,
the way you used to with me,
Made me realize
I do not miss you.
I do not need you.
I never did.
i do not love you anymore.
I have set you free
the way you did when you left.

Your selfish ways
My violent days
Your whispers in the dark
My shouts from the heart
Your mindless thoughts
My thoughtless mind
Have brought the end
Of us.
Stop pretending its the end of the world
I assure you, it isn't,
It isn't even close.

Don't let me jump headfirst into this
Unless you have the strength
And the plan
to find me
When i get lost and
hold on to me
So i don't drown.

falling for you was like
jumping head first into
the deep end of a pool.
I knew I shouldn't
because the water was
too cold and too deep
but I did it anyways,
because I wouldn't mind drowning myself in you.

the room is spinning
or maybe its just my head
things are pulling themselves apart
or maybe I'm just looking through a kaledascope
my mind is screaming
or maybe its just my mouth
my hands are searching
maybe looking for you.

Are you mine
Or just mine tonight?
I can't help but wonder
How long this will last
How this will end
But maybe it won't.
It will probably end
the way everything else ends for me
in blood, tears and sleepless nights.

my phone just died
right in the middle
of our conversation
I was sitting on a
friends' kitchen floor
with a purple blanket
wrapped around me
keeping me warm and safe
from falling into your words
and you said you loved me
and I didn't know how to reply
but after a minute of silence
I whispered
"I miss you"
but you never heard
because my phone died
and saved me from
making a fool out of myself
fur telling you the truth.