you love him,

I’m actually  sure you do.

But you have to understand

that if he was a man,

he would not allow himself

To hurt you.

it took me forever to realize
that the darkness
is fine

just not
all the time.

my phone is at one percent

and strangely, I feel no urge

to plug it in.

if my phone is my brain

and my charger my eyes,

when they close and theoretically I die,

but really

I just begin again.

a gun is pointed at my chest,
and instinctively,
I squeeze my eyes shut.

he pulls the trigger, and steps back
one bullet tears through my breast and exits from my back.


my tears fall,
expecting to feel pain,
expecting to see blood.

It never came.

For his bullets were just words,
insults and slurs.

Once I realized no damage was done, I thought to myself,

“He needs better ammunition”

I wish I knew myself

as well as I know you

I
don’t
know
when
my
petals
died,
but
I
do
know
that
I
survived

if I had a dollar for every time
I wished upon a star
I’d have enough money
to envision a galaxy in which my dreams actually made it that far.

before

I could have recited the wrinkle lines
at the side of your eyes
when you smile
as if they were etched in my brain
like a song
I could not forget to sing

after

But now,
I know you
as well as I know myself

which is

hardly

at all.

I present myself as easy,

a *****.

So others don't view me as a

*****,

a bore.

But which is worse?

Is it better to give it up
or never give in?

Will I ever be known as something besides my sin?

Do I continue saying yes,
but meaning no,
while these men
undress me with their eyes
and leave with my soul.

I have a bad reputation,

and I know how I got it.

I like having ***,

and you can bet your ***,

I flaunt it.

the monster sized hole you left in my heart, is the monster in my closet, that keeps me awake in the dark.

you stayed long enough to fill my lungs and left as quickly as an exhale

I’m tired of being used and abused by weak men, who say what they think we want to hear.

Just so they can get us in bed and **** with our heads.

And oh lord if we say anything or call them out on their *******, we’re just another ****** ***** that got too attached to the ****.

**** that ****.

loving you
is easier
than
loving
myself

I’ve never used *******  
in my life,

but being loved by you

is what I imagine

the high feels like.

what is the ******* point
in trying

when you’re the only one

who is.

playing with my heart

is like playing with fire

because my soul

gets just as

h o t

when it scorches of desire.

I realized
I don’t have to love myself
I just have to know myself.

having ***, just to feel

s o m e t h i n g.

getting high, just to feel

s o m e t h i n g.

taking shots, just to feel

s o m e t h i n g.

popping pills, just to feel

s o m e t h i n g.

doing stupid **** to feel something temporarily hurts you most in the end.

because before you know it, you’re back to feeling nothing and the cycle starts again.

you’re sweet, honey.

and yet the bees still buzz as if

you aren’t enough anymore

the longing in your eyes

engulfs the deepest parts of my soul

in flames,

and soon,

the flames envelop us both

and we succumb to the flashes of orange, yellow and blue,

only to burn for an eternity

and that

is what you do to me.

I used to love you

so badly

that

if I were without you

I couldn’t breathe.

All the while,

I never realized

I was suffocating.

I felt your soul leave me
before you physically did.

good girl

he said
too bad you’re a good girl
and I rolled my eyes
then laughed

because after I laughed,

this good girl,

blocked his ***.

i spend my days
pouring myself into the cups of others

only to find that
when it’s time for myself
to take a sip

all that’s left
in my cup
is the remainder of a girl
who gave too much

allowing myself to fall
so completely for him
is the scariest thing
I have
ever
done.

"Hey, what's up"

"Oh, you know, nothing much, just hanging with the boys before I have to leave to do something that I shouldn't be"

The I said "oh nice with a couple laughing emojis followed by, I'm about to shower"
and he hit me back with "can I see"

At that point I paused because I know where this leads.

Do I play with the fire that's building up inside of me?

Of course I do, I'm a young female with needs.

So I bust out my ******* and start feeling on my chest,
because it's been a long time since anyone's felt my chest.

He opens the snap video immediately and my heart starts racing when I see his name come up on the screen.

I open it and groan, it's a **** pic.

That's not going to do **** for me.

marry her.

you ruined me

I don’t know when my petals died.

I don’t know when the flower that is my soul stopped blooming in the morning when the sun shined in through my bedroom window.

I don’t know when the leaves that are my consciousness became wilted and flew off from my being.

I don’t know when the roots that are my spirituality gave up on hope and light and thus became broke and weak and incapable of support.

I don’t know why the sun still shines, and the birds still sing, and the bees still buzz and I don’t know why flowers die.

The world would be an ugly place without flowers

lies are supposed to be sweet.

I’m not sure if this even counts as poetry

it’s more so just a vent

I just want to say that I am TIRED

of busting my *** at a job that I hate

so I can barely make my rent.

I argue with my depression almost every hour

she’s a real ***** sometimes

she’s the main reason I have the call in

number to my job memorized

I just feel like it’s all so *******

pointless?

why am I living to work and provide a place for myself to have peace

if being stuck in my head in my “home”

is the last ******* place

I want to be.

I get really tempted sometimes

to just stop.

Stop working

Stop trying

Stop surviving

Stop crying

And then get the hell up

and go.

except I have no place to go

so I don’t

and I won’t

so cheers, I guess.

To paying bills.

I can’t wait to start loving myself again

I think I like him,

but I hope that's where it ends

because I do not have any more pieces of my soul to give.

love looks a lot like you

I want him to be mine
forever

not just at 3 am

I swear

I would take a bullet for a man,

who
wouldn't
even
try
to
stop
the
****
bullet
from
hitting
me


even though

she
was
aiming
at
him.

and so the moon weeps

for the millionth time

as it is the millionth night

far too few souls

are willing

to dance in her light

he read my poems
and tears filled his eyes

I’m not sure he understood
a lot of these words

grew from his lies.

and just like the sun,

i’ll rise.

changing yourself does
no good

unless things change about the people around you

too