The stars find themselves in my eyeline so often, and I reach for them, for other worlds outside of my atmosphere but I feel like Im always being pulled back into the worthlessness of dirt. ****** into the ground and suffocated by all my precious addictions.
I havent been able to find myself in the stars lately though...My memories are encased in the soft lining of all the different drugs ive done. Nostalgia for an era of pleasure that only hid pain in a closet until it became my boogeyman, kicking doors down and gouging my dreams out through my eyes.
Even blind, I find myself licking the memories like wounds, not hoping theyll heal but swiping at the idea of getting that feeling again. Feeling euphoria, feeling starlight crawling under my skin like paranoid cockroaches.
Somehow therapy made me want it more. My tongue pierces through dirt and worms, licks the faces of child molesters, searches the placid layers for a just a crumb...just one more hit.
In the past, I used drugs to see more. To shout so loud I could ***** the thin layer of glass the clouds slide on, to watch them fall into me as the stars came into view again…
But See me now, here on this plateau of remembrance, mourning the feeling of being free from responsibility. So lost in the ether of pure being that the world could only be fog outside of my window. And its here...in the stark burning shimmer of bountiful light, the sun hugging me through the fog, its here where I realized how my addictions held me.
With my eyes clasped in darkness, seeing not stars, but sunshine breaking through holes in a thin reality. One id drenched myself in, one that fit better for me than staring into the eyes of the past.
Ive finally let the sun kiss me...and in the days since my eyes have been opened, I saw stars. They look like the sound of guitar strings plucked just right. The reverberations of light filling my eyeline, singing hope from my toes to my fingertips as I reach out to hold them.