My grandfather chose cremation, and he regretted it for the rest of
his life. He said: "The guy from the cremation company was so
persuasive that I signed up for cremation without questioning
him. It was awful! I still have a scar on my left food from a
ghastly burn. I don't advocate cremation for anyone."

Always have emergency supplies on-hand when hurricanes
attack! Buy pounds and pounds of flashlight batteries and
slip in a few battery-shaped hand grenades for fun.
"Honey, here's a flashlight battery that's really
a hand grenade," a wife might
say to her boyfriend.

THE HORROR OF NORAH - Norah was an ex-lesbian and descendant of Noah from the Bible. She proved this by building a boat in her bath tub. For 40 days her shower ran all day till a bird appeared as a sign that dry land was nearby. She carefully waded ashore, confident that God would provide for her even though she didn't have a college degree or anything.

IN 1827 laundresses would toss wet garments into the street for trucks to run over. It was the fastest way to launder tuxedos and bikinis (which were just 2 rags sewn together).

I'M COLDER THAN A MOON THAT NO MAN LANDS ON - I hate "replacement neighbors" but not as much as the neighbors they replaced. 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐎𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐚 𝐏𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐧 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐑𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐥𝐭𝐚 𝐢𝐧 𝑮𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒄𝒆. 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝-𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐰 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐨. A day after the cows ran away, we ate their hay. After the shop burned to the ground, the owner could not be found. He's in hell now sharpening pencils, putting ointment on his *** and cutting out stencils. Echo of a misunderstood man: Hello! What?! I hate these surveys! The Crotch Department has gone too far! You can cough after you die and you'll still be dead: burned alive like Jed who smoked in bed.

Richard Gere is old and his days of gerbilling (inserting gerbils
up his ****) are coming to an end. Soon he'll be deceased.
His wife will get his money and his gerbil collection.

You beat me with a rusty crow bar
after running me over with your car
I sustained horrific injuries to my face
before you sprayed my eyes with mace

like a Chinese surgeon.

and bare your toes for the Toe Watchers of Arizona. Thanks,
but I prefer to keep my shoes on and so does my sister.
Alright. The next room belongs to the **** Yankers
of Alabama. Oh boy! Now you're talkin'!

and sprained her ankle was a frightful night that I never
want to know again. The next time I see her scaling a
major monument I'm going to tell her to stop.

I want to look like the late Teresa Teng and not just a little bit, of
course I mean when she was alive. I'm sure she doesn't look
very well now, probably no better than Lawrance Welk.

Where are Alvin Toffler's personal force-fields from 1974?
How about this 1? “Quaker Oats: as close to **** as you
can get”? Throw me a bone to grow on! I'm in a bikini
mood: ½-****, so tow a cannibal car to your Jacmel
Beach bar then lob a grenade my way
while my ponies play