awake and it's hopeless
insomniac and opened
pandora in the corner crying
everything she had is stolen
taken from her in the woods
***** and robbed of all her good
roped and ribbed avoid her, good
not so brave and power gone
boxing gloves no longer on

i wonder why i dream of ******
smoking, lying, dealing in corners
chain chain chain
of fools, that's me
i stop to turn and look
i bleed
i can't keep up i'm my own treadmill
running always up up uphill
constant loop i step on my face
panting wheezing come on ***** pace
ball toe heel for freedom freedom
walking, telling myself that i run

a thousand times a year they say to me
you look like my cousin's best friend's cleaning lady
shut up i dont care, stop stop right there
the old conundrum
never knowing who i am
wake up soldier, break time's over
breaking brakes and driving over
cliffs
and i wonder will i ever be the older
one in a partnership, mentor to a little kid
parent to an alien, wriggling chewing bubble gum
do you believe in a one, 1, One?
do you believe in america, son?

rocking, waiting for chernobyl
melting down and starting over
rocking, forward backward forward
on my mind this pungent odor
why's the light so cold and broken
why's the day time rank and molded
why's the sky so hazy hazy
lie in bed so heavy, crazy
coffee, cream and sugar lady,
eat too much and starving lately
give give give me all you have
be my friend, my soul, my sin
understand it's paper please
cuz i can't go back i'm on my knees

wish that i could keep a promise
one, just one
and i'd be honest
but i lie and steal and break
i ******* **** **** ****
wish i could believe in something
once, just once
and i'd be saintly
i never did pray to god
i pray to the people i love
the people who tear me down
the people who build me back up

hey why's it so hard to glue things
together?
let air dry
and avoid contact with eyes
permanence a concept i just cant realize
never knowing anything at all
paralyzed after the fall
stop stop stop stop stop stop dont call

waiting awake my brain a seussian landscape
pandora and the lorax get it on under the moon's haze
i know that im not comical i box it in
i want it all
check this box, this box, this box yes
give it up come, come don't protest
close your eyes and sleep will happen
ready for lift-off, everybody strapped in?

I piloted that gleaming star
into the hissing sea
and search lights probed the inky depths
but could not rescue me.
I reached for something solid, grasped it tight
and whispered truths,
but it floated down the trench
to where my eyes no longer looked.
I couldn't hold my breath that long,
I tried to give my life,
but rose up to the top again
and then my death you took.
Alive and well I held you near,
but in my dreams I saw
the horror, chaos, maladies
I knew so well before.
Did I reach the 9th and do I now ascend?
Or the devil in ice himself did I mistakenly befriend?
Am I to dare to crawl on land?
Or should I wriggle back
to the sea in which my shining ship
was overcome crack by crack?
Beware the sun
says the moon out of spite
and I'm left to ask the stars
which of these lights is meant for me,
the bright glare or the gleam?
How far does agency extend,
and tell me, does it matter then
what I might choose or think myself
if all is writ in plan?
I hope, I hope, and still I'm pulled,
I know not whether to stand.
For now I lie wrought near in two
on the eternally wet sand.