How dare you make such an impression on my mind
When before you were merely a blimp in the back that I hardly noticed
Now you’re an all-consuming thought that I can’t seem to ignore
And these images of you gnaw at my very core
Complicated.
It’s cliché but that’s what it is
What it was
I walked out that kitchen wanting, yearning, to tell you so much more
But a simple goodbye was all I could muster
Unsaid.
I suppose there was a lot unsaid between us
Trust me; your flirtations did not go by unheard
In fact they made waiting tables even less of a chore
And even though indifference is a trait that I feign
Your sweet words and playful pokes
Made me blush behind closed doors
I’m not ashamed to admit
I wish you would reserve those black eyes solely for me
And I would sometimes peer over the line to watch you
Scrap away at the grill, partly wondering what it would be like
To feel those same arms wrapped around me and to hear your deep voice
Brush over the nape of my neck
Or what it would feel like to have your hands
Clutching the back of my head
I so wanted to push at your sleeve and trace my fingers
Over your tattoos, pressing you to tell me their significance and importance
Why you would choose to ink these things onto your skin
But such intimate scenes of you I fear will only exist in my imagination
You mentioned we were different, very different indeed
Our backgrounds and life experiences are on opposite ends of the spectrum
And I fail to see what a single dad could offer a post-college grad
Most perplexing of all is that my heart really does reside with another
“I saw you have a boyfriend, does that mean I’m out of the picture?”
In all sound theory, yes it does
Unfortunately. Maybe. I’m not entirely sure.
But for now I assure you
These thoughts of us that rest within my head
Are best left unsaid.

“You’re perfect”
“Perfect? I’m not perfect I have my flaws like everyone else”
“Even your flaws are perfect”
Such a heavy word, I suppose this flattery should make me grin like a school girl
But honestly it’s kind of terrifying
You’re placing me on such a high pedestal and I’m scared that one day I’ll fall off
I’m terrified that eventually you’ll wake up and glance over at my face
And you won’t see this perfect angel anymore
Only a boring routine in need of some serious changing.

Not Sure.
I guess that’s how I would describe us
How I would describe my stance with you
Are we a we? Is there an us?
I feel like there could be
Should be, you see
I feel pretty natural around you
“I’ve never been with a girl I can just be myself around,”
Well what’s holding us back?
Let’s dive into this thing head on
Oh but…but…
There are a lot of “buts” between us
But we don’t live in the same city
But you’re afraid and nervous of commitment
But you lose interest in women easily
But it’s just not a good time in our lives
“I want to be your boyfriend but,”
It sometimes feels as if my happiness with you is on the other side
Of a tightrope I’m struggling to keep balance on
Or more specifically it’s the distance between San Antonio and Austin on 35
And I hope I’m not dodging all those 18-wheelers for you
Only to get dumped in the end
But
I also know that happiness with you is as simple as eating Blue Bell
On a lazy Tuesday afternoon in your bed
Or teasing you in the soda aisle of HEB for your
Single-guy gamer-esque love of Mountain Dew
Happiness with you is as simple as laying my head on your chest
In the middle of Zilker Park with stars and Downtown Austin in the background
Or playing Smash Brothers in your living room
Happiness with you is even as simple as hearing your hearty laughter
It’s more contagious than you probably realize
I just keep thinking it feels so right
Whatever this is between me and you
But relationships are a risk, no matter how they’re pursued
Maybe this is for real, but it could just be temporary
I don’t really care quite honestly
I just want to soak up every moment with you

You are a fleeting moment for me
For you see, I know how the pace of whirlwind romance flows
We tug and push and pull and grind
Sop up that exciting newness of freshly
Daunting skin and glances
Thirsty to drink what we feel is unknown
Thriving to delve into the sheets of a
Mysterious lover whose past we hope they unfold
But after the initial surprises die down
Surely a new conquest will be on the rebound
So I won’t mold you into something you’re not
Let’s enjoy the ride and this hasty lustful high

“Sometimes I feel like I’ll just float away”
Such words have never resonated
So well with my mortal being
I am alive but I feel no peace
I am here but I feel elsewhere
Like there’s no space carved out for
Someone like me
No true home or foretold destiny
My blood is stagnant and stale
Never boiling or anticipating
Or shivering in lust and fear
These bones could very well turn to ash
And disintegrate into the earth’s cold soil
Perhaps then
I could reconcile and feel whole
Once again
Perhaps then
I could appease my anxiousness within

Tricho-tillo-mania.
It rolls quite nicely off the tongue
Like the type of disease one with
Deep seated fears and complex facades
Would possess
When did this bad habit begin and form?
Has is always been silently lurking within this body?
Ready to pounce on any destructive opportunity
That would arise from my gut

Tricho-tillooooo-maniaaa.
I can overcome it, I know I can
Wait no, an hour went by and oh
Another pile of discarded hair on the floor
Again. And again.
If this luxurious mane of thick, dark hair is so
Admirable and wanted.
Why can I not stop plucking it from the very
Fibers of my skull’s skin?

Tricho-tillo-mania.
Keep it up and there will be naught
A single strand left on top of this girl’s head
My fingertips are aching and raw
Pleading with me to stop this
Nitpicking of these brown straws
Even as I type my nails
Scratch and burrow into my flesh
Pricking and prodding for what?
I wish I knew so I could tell you.

Trichotillomania.
Maybe my innermost desire
Is to rip this bruised skin and broken hair off my body
Until I am nothing more than a hot, ****** mess
Of congealed, dripping, internal organs
And a new case of polished, refined
Poreless, porcelain skin
and ruby- red sensual lips
Could **** me up and out of it
A perfect stranger would emerge
Free from my vice and sin.

Wake up. Half dazed. Another day. Once again.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Get Up. Clothes on. Down the stairs, eat the stale toast.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Get in car. Drive off to work. Fight the traffic. Make it on time.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Sit at desk. Hear complaints. Boss, not happy. Big shock.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Unfold the tuna sandwich, take a bite. Hear coworkers mull and gripe.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Fill the forms, do the inventory. Fall asleep at desk. Good God the Boredom.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Get in car. Drive back home. Take off those work clothes. Collapse on the couch.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Surf the web. Read the book. Watch the news.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Put on pajamas. Brush the teeth. Get in bed.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Always repeating….
What am I reaping?
Is this what I have to look forward to in life?
If this is true, dear Lord, take me so.
Your kingdom must be more fulfilling.

I suppose I have been too
Harsh and quick
To place all my grief and heartaches on your
Unfortunate shticks
No, we are both at fault for these
Burdens I bear
We were each other’s fixes
Simple as that
Equally to blame
I know that is fair.

A former lover stuck you
In a romantic rut
You needed healing and a worthy distraction
Guess I was good enough
I latched onto your affections
To ease this loneliness I had amassed
You would defer these depressive complexions.

Yes, we are equally to blame
For both of our pains
But make no mistake dear friend
I am not a strong believer in His doings but
Maybe we were meant to teach each other
A thing or two about more selfless love
And a greater realization.

I miss you I miss you
Oh this is nothing unique
Countless writers before me
Have been stuck on this
Destructive streak
But I am not in denial
I know what is true
We were never meant to have
Our hearts beating in tune
Your path in life steers right
While mine inevitably turns left
But I oft wonder why
We cannot make them contrive.

You see, I miss you so much
Your face, it does haunt
My every waking move
Your gaily laugh and cheeky grins
Those geeky glasses too big for
That stupidly small stubby nose
And don’t even get me started on
That long mass of unkempt
Purple hair
Purple, my favorite color…
Well it is
Back to that plain, ordinary brown I suppose.

You messaged me a few weeks ago
“I miss you so”
Really?
Do not bother
With such half-assed quips
I doubt you miss me so much that you
Are crying like a newborn in a crib
You “miss me” because you have not found
A proper replacement
Once you meet that new girl
I know I will be resigned to
A fading light in the corner of your mind’s basement
You “miss me” because there is no new
Furrow for you to Burrow
I am guessing you’ve been unlucky
In seeking opportune ******
Once you plow the fields again
A forgotten mishap
Will surely be my fated past.

You miss me you say
Well I doubt that is the truth
You don’t miss me like I
Miss you
Because you see,
I still love you
Ardently.
Through and through.

Sometimes I fear
It is wrong of me to yearn for happiness
When I so knowingly unleashed
A fury of pain and solitude onto the soul
Of one I had one cared for so deeply
How can I seek those rays of bountiful sunshine
After stealing them away from another

And yet this gnawing of raw
Bitterness and resentment
That eats away at my inner core day after day
Won’t go away after having
Those same rays stolen from me
I am sitting in an old bath filled with murky
Dead water
Thrashing about and angry because
It refuses to revert to its warm temperatures
I need to let the water drain down the tub
But
Maybe if I sit here just a little longer…

Well it doesn’t matter
After I dry myself off and lay this body to rest for the night
I will wrap my arms around Remorse’s silent torso
Dare I say Contrition’s lips have never tasted sweeter.

Hello dear friend
how do you do
heard from a little birdie
you found a new boo

now I know it might be pretentious
what I dare to assume
but darling we both know
what I'm about to say is true

I don't doubt one day
this pretty young thing
will be giving you those ***** bedroom eyes
as she slowly unzips your fly
she takes you in whole
performs that sickly divine act

inevitably your mind will wander back
to a time before
where this was our norm

a dissatisfaction will arise
one you won't ignore when you realize
this new girl can't **** like a *****
her lips aren't mine and that's such a shame
because baby we both know
I had no trouble making it rain

Dashing by day,
A simple flowery dress,
Posing so prettily,
And seemingly sweet,
You appear warm and radiant,
Sunshine abounds,
Motherly compassion,
Such traits you say you've found
But what is thee by night,
When the sun dips below,
And the eyes turn blind,
Perhaps then your true colors show,
Malice and greed,
Such dominance you pursue,
A tight control of others,
Who may not even have a clue,
You may feign such flattery and love,
But your facade is fading,
And you poor child,
Do try hard to hide the wrath of those who are faking.

These past few seasons
I have been sitting on a bench
Observing others and not minding myself
I have been content yes
But full no
There is something lacking
Perhaps a certain glow?

I have noticed this absence
One that I feel is constantly addressed
But what can I do?
Besides sit here and wait
The future will foretell
You must not rush this issue
It needs time to grow
For those impatient
Or longing for this glow
It can gnaw on your conscience
Turn your brain into snow

Oh this longing
I try to keep it suppressed
One cannot dwell
On those matters you cannot control
Best to keep to yourself
And watch the ongoing show

But I saw you from the comfort of my bench
Something about you compelled me
Soon you caught my attention
This pent up feeling flared
Bursted into life almost
And now you having me standing up
Moving away from such complacency
And towards the unknown

Come and walk with me
Show me your all
I care not where you come from
Or how you rise or fall
I am intrigued
Very much interested
This scent you wear
Keeps me enlisted

How to describe you
Or call your name
It boggles my mind
Perhaps it is turned into snow
This effect you have
I can neither savor nor bare it
These feelings you inflict
I feel outdated, out of wit

But there is a quirk in your smile
And a sweetness in your face
That I cannot ignore
And perhaps has blinded me all the more

But let bygones be bygones
Let's journey down this path
For where it leads to
Only we shall ever know

I turn the silvery nozzle,
Let the water fill the tub,
Slowly slipping in,
Letting the steam rise above

They say a hot bath cures all,
It relieves stress and pain,
As it washes over those who are tired, drained,

My physique is feeling fine,
But lately it's my mind that's been aching,
Doubts and frustrations,
Sweet apparitions that bear no fruits,
Fill my brain like a silencing mute

Sinking in, I let the bubbles sway and pop,
The refreshing dampness takes its course,
I try to relax and close my eyes,
While both the heat and darkness arise

But I struggle and cannot remain still,
As the gallons pour,
I reopen my eyes and realize,
That no amount of physical remedies,
Will ever take these thoughts of you away

No matter to which waters I may seek,
The sultry seas of the Mediterranean,
Or the holy healing powers of the Lourdes,
It presents no issue,
For there is no cure to wash astray,
Images of my dear in these upcoming days

Sometimes I wish
Life was a given
And decisions weren't a burden
Sometimes I wish
That our paths were clear
And that we were told to go "here, here, and there"

Sometimes I wish
That friends could just stay friends
And that my feelings reminded purely platonic
Sometimes I wish
There were no longings for desire or affection
No rejection or affirmations

Sometimes I wish
That these thoughts of you would go away
They seems so rash and illicit
And yet sometimes I wish
I could give into this temptation
With no retributions or puzzled stares

I admit that sometimes I wish
You were secretly adorning me
The way I have with you

And it is foolish to believe
That sometimes I wish
There could be a great love between us two

I would rather dive head first
into the sea
than get on my knees
and beg you to come back to me
yet deep inside I cannot deny
that visions of you
I do still contrive

It seems so easy to relapse
and reminisce
about those times
long gone by

Glasses placed beside the bed
Fingertips tracing over lithe limbs
I felt so warm with you
by my side
and when I looked into those blue-green eyes
the butterflies would never die

Forever locked in a sweet, misty haze
I thought we could stay this way
and yet as I lay in ecstasy
you were already done with me

I do not blame you
for what you cannot control
yet I still pine for you ever more
and as I watch the break of day
I just have to tell myself
you're far away