lying facedown on the train tracks;
home is where the heart is.
i sharpen my alibi on my mother’s bones
blink blink blink
the rays of the sun gouge my eyes out and
i blink, feeding on her conscience
through roots in the dirt.
regret metastasizes inside of me
like the very consumption that killed her

i found a way out, what now?
the daylight picked out my ribs one by one
the moon died and i buried her in the flowerbeds.
brave molly, come save me, the train's at the station

maybe today
i can talk to myself
out loud on the way there.
primal scream therapy.

(in between bittersweet fragments of memory
i can say your name without—
gangrene makes a home within my brittle skull.
cyanotic lips preach to me the
everlasting weight of my sin)

today
i’ll talk to myself out loud
on the way there
and maybe the echo won't
sound so **** scared

cut roses
sustained by memories of warmth
and love
is it pitiful?
slippery little fox
tear me apart limb from limb
still
what will i do when you die?

\should i strive to be
more
or less...?
devastatingly handsome//
mystery *** box
if i could, i would leave you
as you left me

"a fallen world"
all gone to hell,
it's not good enough
don't close your heart to what comes next
so long as i am here,
let me be the unreasonable one

I Can't Believe It's Not Closure!
it was guilt all along--
a woman coming on top of me
"in the old butch way,"
more
or less
like
you

i've seen too much
bring me back to life

Let it slide,
let it flow
let all the anger go.

Take a breath,
relax a bit,
don't let them get to you,
with their ****.

Whistle a tune,
with the birds,
sing on out
some light hearted words.

Let it slide,
let it flow
let all the anger go.

In the end,
it will be all right,
the sun will shine,
as will the stars at night.

Understand the situation,
knowing all your limitations,
feel the stress, then let it go,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

You have no need to worry,
tears and fears just bring you down,
you have friends here and there,
hear them sing this joyful sound

Let it slide,
let it flow
let all the anger go.

Stop coming into my life if you have no intention of staying.
I’ve ended us so many times,
But you push us back together.
No matter how many times I tell you,
Enough is enough.
Enough isn’t good enough for you.

Sneaking around was never part of a friendship that I wanted.
Lying about where I go, was never something I signed up for.
Being the other woman, was never in the description.
But being my friend isn’t all you want.
But yet you have no desire to be more than that.

You can’t keep coming in and rearranging my house,
Especially when I’m still putting it back after the last time you left.
I want you to visit, I’ve wished for you to stay.
But you can’t keep pushing in with no intention of paying rent.
Either sign a lease with me or keep your apartment.
Because soon, you will lose any place you ever had in mine.

I'm not saying I couldn't handle it,
But looking back, I should've
Thought it through
Because I knew what it was
When it came to
Me and you.

I could've offered you the stars
And you'd only want the moon.

Maybe I got too comfortable
Maybe you don't remember things as
I do.

I guess recollections can be romanticized,
Especially when connection can be identified,
When the basis of your argument was built on a simple lie.

I gifted you pieces of me,
And my heart clung onto you for free,
I held on for dear life
No matter the things people said to me.

You had me mesmerized,
Each time I left you with something
You didn't bother to keep memorized.

It's 3am

I'm on the phone
No one's awake and I'm alone

It's 3am

The radio's on
Songs are played on lonely station

It's 3am

I'm in my bed
My eyes are open and sleep has fled

It's 3am

I'm on the balcony
The sky is dark and just quite scary

It's 3am

Some windows have lights
Could they also not sleep tonight

It's 3am

I'm still awake
When will life ever give me a break

they cover my face from forehead to chin
they rest in the most uncomfortable creases
they are red as a rash
and big enough as a bug bite
they stick out, they lie under my skin
they hurt and they sting when I try to scrub them clean
i’ve tried washes, creams, pills,
special oils, face masks, lotions,
the works
i don’t like the mirror because it makes me look at
these things that take up half my face
i don’t like to take pictures when my face isn’t clear
and makeup just makes it worse
i don’t like to go out
because I know others are watching
and wonder how someone could be so ugly
these pimples just don’t go away
no matter what I do
so please, if you meet me
and want to give some advice
i’d much rather you not
because, you see
i’ve already tried it all
and please do not utter that phrase
for I surely will blow up in flames
”oh stop acting like it’s such a big deal”
try living as me for a day
and you will see
that this feeling of dread
about the bumps on your face
never goes away
and you will surely see
that you look like this
and they look like that
and I promise you wouldn’t want to be me

I searched the surface of your skin looking for the answers to my personal problems

I looked for answers in your scars that I already knew but wanted to pretend I didn’t

I wish our love was easy like listening to old people talk about gas prices down at the local coffee shop over cigars and old shared wisdom

I wish there was a metaphor for all of this, but it isn’t that easy

I knew how dangerous you were and how dangerous you could be but I strapped on my helmet like Evil Knievel because you made me feel like I could walk through fire and come out untouched by the flames

I made myself a certain kind of Houdini, like your heart was some kind of magic trick to be figured out

I dipped my fingers into love and painted your face my favorite shades of forgiveness

I used you

I used you like the 3 month old bar of soap that sits in my shower,
I don’t use it often, but when I do, I hope that there’s still enough left in it to make me feel some kind of clean

I built you up like a sandcastle on the nicest beach imaginable and threw away the tools I used without realizing that there was a hurricane coming and that hurricane was going to rip away all of the progress I thought I had made here

I look for myself in everyone that I meet

I wonder what makes all of them tick,
What kind of gears turn inside of everyone that make them the way that they are, and I try to mimic the gears and use them to make my own heart beat

I used to tell people that I knew how to speak multiple languages because I made myself become fluent in your heart beat

it’s so funny now that I think about it because once we lose touch with something we seem to lose it completely,
I only know one language anymore, sadness,
and it’s the sharpest knife I own,
I wish right now wasn’t the time I chose to become self destructive,
Because by the end of this I just might hurt myself a little too far passed broken

I learned how to love myself the same day I stopped seeing heartbreak as a house that I can build piece by piece

In my dreams I walk on the lines of reciprocated love and happiness and never fall off but as soon as I wake up I find myself lying on the floor of my bedroom and I do not want to remember how I ended up here

Faith has always seemed like something that only people who feel like they’re about to die have,
Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying to talk to God since the first time I set myself on fire

She said she wishes she wasn’t so bad at this,
I tell her sometimes I wish I wasn’t so good,

Self love goes by a different name now