I thought the stars had aligned
I thought he was meant to be mine
I opened myself to him
Heart in hand
Offered him the best version
Of who I am
He was my only lover
But to him
I was only another

They say I’m a healer
But is that true
Because despite years of love
I never healed you
Do they mean, instead, I search out men that need healing?
Do I chase this pain because I yearn for feeling?
Maybe I am not a healer
Maybe I am just naive
To think I can change lives
And to think this is more important than my own needs

I search for the love
I search for the healing
I hurt myself trying to regain feeling
Was I born this way
With the illness and the voices
Or did I ruin myself
With my own thoughtless choices

I want you to love me
Because your blood runs in my veins
And I’ve offered you my love
But you’ve only given me pain
So finally I hurt you
In return for hurting me
Yet I am left with guilt
I don’t feel better, nor do I feel free
Now I am left only with one question
Have you ever felt guilt
For hurting me

One day you’re there
And the next you’re not
But it wouldn’t be honest to say
You’ve broken my heart
I wanted you here to heal
What was already broken
To listen to my thoughts I have left unspoken
I wanted you to be my hero
And I was disappointed when you couldn’t be
But this was so much to ask of you
So I suppose the selfish one is
Me

The happiness is short lived
So short lived
I begin to doubt the love
Coming from the universe that made me

I’m left wondering
Why I accepted the abuse for so long
I ask myself if I deserved it
Even though I know you were wrong
And although I am proud of myself
For walking out of your door
I regret the choices I’ve made
And I will never be who I was before