. Hello, friend. Do you smell sulfur instead of coffee when you enter your place of work? Does your boss insist on being a mean-hearted individual, despite having a nicer everything than you? Do they cringe upon the mere mentioning of words such as, "God," "love," and "raise?"
If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, then there is a possibility that evil incarnate might very well be dwelling within an office near you. But not to worry friend, if you suspect that His Infernal Majesty is indeed lurking in the walls of your workplace, there are indeed methods of ascertaining proof as well as steps you can take to prevent yourself from being dragged into the fiery bowels of Hell from the confines of their musky office.
Firstly, let's go over some proven methods of detecting whether your boss is indeed the scourge of humanity, or merely hellbent on making your life miserable.
1) The next time your boss attends one of your presentations, subliminally insert religious symbols, such as substituting the Cross for bullets within your PowerPoint. If your boss is the Devil, they will be unable to look at the screen and begin to profusely sweat. You may also notice them start to mutter under their breath in tongues.
2) Make doughnuts for the office, but substitute regular water for holy water. Ensure your boss takes one and then watch them carefully. If they consume the doughnut and immediately begin to choke, they may be indeed be Satan. Alternatively, they may not be Satan and just plainly be choking. Rest assured, if they are Satan, they will not die. Take this opportunity to play it safe and resume your work.
3) Place a thick line of ordinary table salt at the threshold of their office door on the ground. Ensure the line is complete and unbroken. If your boss is a familiar of Hell, they will not be able to step over the line of salt as it is a religious purifying agent. Only attempt this method once, as it is a obvious sign of detection within the office and your boss will begin to take immediate measures. On top of this, repeated use of the salt technique may result in the janitor becoming hostile and assaulting you with cleaning instruments.
Now that you seen whether or not your boss is indeed Lucifer, you can now begin to take preventative measures against them. Please, proceed with caution, friend!
1) Have an ordained minister or priest wait with you outside of work. When your boss is outside, have your religious aide recite The Lord's Prayer. The power of Christ may force the heathen back to the gates of perdition. If this does not work, more drastic measures are recommended.
2) Find Carlos Mencia and tell him your boss is his number one fan. Carlos Menica will fly himself to your location in order to redeem himself after stealing everybody else's jokes and follow your boss around every hour of the day. Eventually, Mencia's tired jokes will drive your boss to the brink of insanity and he will be glad to banish himself back to Hell, as well putting Mencia on his blacklist. If this does not work, even more drastic actions are recommended.
3) Tell the cast from the Expendables you have a plot for their next potential movie. Inform them that your boss is secretly a cult leader bent of brainwashing the masses to try and demolish the government in an effort to reform America into a Communist state. They will jump at the chance to make this movie and fly themselves over to your location. The action stars will immediately pummel your boss back to Hell.
Congratulations, friend. You are now free of the Devil and can now go back to resuming your work without the fear of having your soul being consumed.
Hey guys, Frank here with another Public Service Announcement! Please let me know what you think as always. And, I welcome ideas for new ones so please feel free to give me topics you think might be funny! Much love.