Good--I'm glad I have your attention. Look, I don't have much time before those nut-hoarding ******* discover my secret contentions! The furry devils want what's yours and mine and won't stop until we're captured! Some people think I'm lost my mind but I think I can trust you with my words. As I speak, those tree scurrying devils spy upon all us of from behind! Some fools think I'm absurd, but in their pompous accusations I revel! The heathens aren't just burying nuts-- no, food storage isn't what this is about. They get what they need from bird feeders. They've finally gathered enough guts to plant listening devices all around, while they listen inside oaks and cedars. They want to take over the human race and steal our resources for their own use. The cretins are smarter than you think! They feel scorned by the genocide taken place-- rendering them roadkill--flattening their faces! We run them over; drive them to the brink, and for this they wish to make us pay. Please, heed my warnings and prepare for a war unlike any you have ever seen! There is carnage coming this way, to be dealt by tiny, fuzzy hands, but don't despair. It's not too late to stop their regime!