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Oct 2014
Are there times when you feel empty? Are there times when you feel tired of doing the same thing over and over again? Are there times when youre just tired of being tired? And you ask yourself, "what's the point of doing these things anyway?"

Suddenly, we catch ourselves doing crazy things. Such as, smoking, drinking, spending too much time with friends, running away from home, running away from school just to escape this crazy world we live in. Just to escape even just for a while.

But still, you realize the moment you wake up that you cant escape it. So you try and try to live. And it feels like living this life is something we just cant escape. It kinda feels like we're required to live. Like we're trapped in a prison's cell.

There are also moments when we feel like we want to end our lives. Every night, we think of ways on how to cut our life line and end our lives. We think of hanging ourselves, cutting our wrists, jumping off the building or maybe drinking pills until we're overdosed.

But most people like us come across of the thought of what will happen if we end our lives today? Will we even make it to heaven after doing such crazy things? Will God even acknowledge us and welcome us after hurting ourselves? After hurting Him?

I am a Christian. I was born in a Christian family. My dad was a leader in church, my brother and sister were an active members of the children's choir and my mom teaches the whole children's choir. I, in the other hand taught children about the Bible and became an active member of the worship team.

However, most of us agree that Christians like me can get depressed, but can Christians get suicidal? I suspect that many in the Church unconsciously believe that Christians do not and should not become suicidal, because suicide is, after all, something that only happens when you lose all hope and dont Christians have the best Hope there is?

I always believed that God absolutely, 100% has the power to heal me of my depression. But during those darkest nights, i didnt believe that God would heal me, even though i knew He could. I never lost hope in Jesus, but i did lose hope for recovery. All i wanted more than anything else was to rest in the arms of my savior.

It was the hardest battle i had ever faced. I lost all hope and faith in God. I rejected all comfort and advice being given by my family and friends. I started isolating myself from the world, my family and especially God.

The temptation to **** myself felt like too much to bear. And so i had two options, to give in to the temptation and commit an irreversible but not forgivable sin, or believe God's promise in 1 Cor 10:13, β€œGod is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it”
Judex Banzuela
Written by
Judex Banzuela  Manila, Philippines
(Manila, Philippines)   
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